I’m stuck and scared.

scared_mouse

The election happened 3 days ago, and I can’t move on from the shock and grief.  I’ve never reacted like this to any election of a new president.

I had no idea I’d react this badly.  I really didn’t think he had a chance.  But I remember watching that map light up in red state by state and thinking, “this can’t be happening.  What the hell is happening?”  It was very surreal.   I felt dissociated the next day.  I still feel like it isn’t real.

It’s not that I was any big fan of Hillary either.   Both parties are corrupt and neither represents the interests of most of the people.  But with Hillary, we’d just have more of the same, basically.  I could live with that.

What I can’t live with is this.  An America run by a racist, sexist sociopath and malignant narcissist who would stop at nothing to destroy everything we’ve been gained in the last 50 years.

I can’t believe women actually voted for him.   What woman with any respect for herself would vote for a man who talks about grabbing pussies and generally talks about women as if they are sex objects or chattel?  Who even made sexual references to his own daughter?   What woman in her right mind would just look past that?

And yet….53% of white women voted for the orange faced man?   WHY?   I can’t believe that figure is really true.

I think there’s something fishy going on with the votes.   I think they were tampered with. I also think Hillary voters were fooled into “voting” on those websites that told them they could just vote online instead of having to go to the polls.  Those votes were bogus because they didn’t count.  I think those sites were set up by Trump’s goons to fool gullible Democrats.

During his acceptance speech (more subdued than what we’ve come to expect of him), his young son, probably about 10 or 11, stood next to him.  At one point, someone in the crowd could be heard shouting,  “KILL OBAMA!”  A few others joined in.  Trump didn’t even flinch.   He said nothing and just kept yammering away.  But his son did flinch and looked very uncomfortable.   I felt so sorry for the kid.  Why didn’t Trump ask these goons to STFU?  Well, of course he wouldn’t.  Because it’s people like that who are his supporters.   God, there’s a lot of disgusting, ugly people in this country.

This is the whole acceptance speech.  You can hear the “KILL OBAMA” at around the 5:32 mark.  Watch his son’s face.

I’m just sick over this.    I’m also very triggered.   This man scares me to death.  He reminds me of Hitler.  And he reminds me of my own FOO, who know nothing about love or compassion but only care about themselves.  He makes me feel helpless, terrified, and powerless, triggering memories of how my FOO and my ex made me feel.

I have no idea what’s going to happen now.   I just know it’s going to be bad.  Riots are already breaking out because of his racist policies.   Our first black president is being replaced by someone who the KKK has endorsed.   I don’t blame them for taking to the streets.  This is going to escalate into civil war.  California is threatening to secede. If they do, I may drive out there and live in my car until I can get a job and settle somewhere.   I don’t want to be left behind with the crazies.

I couldn’t stand George W. Bush or his policies, but I would kiss him right now if he offered to come back and take the presidency away from Trump.   Reagan too.  Hell, even Goldwater!  At least those men had principles.  They believed in something.  Trump believes in nothing but himself.   He has no principles and no ethics.

And now I’m really appreciating Obama in a way I never did before.   I’m going to miss him and am very scared when he steps down on January 20th to let this narcissistic demagogue take the reigns of the U.S. presidency.

Is it normal to still be in a state of shock and depression three days later?   I can’t even think about anything else.   I’m really stuck and feel like I’m in a never-ending nightmare.  Am I the only one?

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About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
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21 Responses to I’m stuck and scared.

  1. No, you are not the only one. I just renewed my home equity line of credit in case I need to get some quick cash. I started the renewal process last week. I too sat with my husband watching the states turn red. I kept asking him, how is this happening? He’s going to get us all killed. I barely slept the night of the election, and had my phone next to the bed so I could see the results when I got up during the night.

    I have read so many posts by people who are truly frightened. I just wrote a post myself. Life isn’t always fair to people, and I’m sad all these people who voted for him really think he’s going to do anything for them. He’s already tapped three of his kids to be on his transition team. He wants to surround himself with lobbyists. Nothing good can come from this, except that our young people will rise up and hopefully not let this nimrod ruin our way of life.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Dawn V. Cahill says:

    If I could step in and offer some thoughts…I do know women who voted for Trump, & have read blogs and posts from others. The prevailing mindset seemed to be more fear of HIllary than of Trump. They were just as terrified of her as many of us are of him. She’s perceived as having, at best, poor judgment, at worst, reckless disregard for national security. (I didn’t vote for her either.) Many women are concerned about more than typical women’s issues. They also want to keep their families safe, and they saw Hillary as more likely to get us all killed than Trump. You can look at this this way: if he were to grab my pussy, I’d kick him in the balls and sue his ass. But if Hillary got careless with national security secrets and our enemies came after us, there wouldn’t be a thing I could do to protect my family.
    You may not agree with these other womens’ sentiments, but I hope we will do our best to try to understand where they are coming from.
    It just sickens me that this entire election was all about fear: Vote for who you are less afraid of.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

      Very solid counterpoint.

      Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I didn’t like Hillary much either. I don’t think there are any honest politicians anymore, or very few anyway. But the laundry list for her is so much shorter than the one for him. Also she is not an obvious malignant narcissist that even psychiatrists have diagnosed as one without meeting him. Although I’m sure she is narcissistic (most politicians are).

      I don’t like his racism and sexism. I don’t think it’s okay to make those kind of comments against women and nonwhites that he does in public, but he does it anyway. I don’t care about political correctness but there’s a such thing as respect and he shows none to anyone who isn’t white, straight and male.

      Although Hillary may not be trustworthy either, I would trust her with the nuclear codes more than I’d trust him. The man is mentally unstable and I would not put it past him to push the button and destroy the planet. I do not think families will be safer under him, in fact far less so.

      Mike Pence scares me too. He believes in “conversion therapy” for homosexuals, which does not work and is cruel to boot. I do not believe a gay person can change. And why should they? I may be a Christian but I believe everyone has a right to love who they want to love. As long as no one is being hurt, what is the problem? Not all that long ago, homosexuality was actually listed in the DSM as a mental illness. They would have it return to being a mental illness instead of a preference.

      As far as repealing Obamacare, I have mixed feelings about that. Obamacare has its problems for sure. But I think it was a step in the right direction, for all its flaws. At least it gets rid of the “pre-existing condition” clause and allows parents to keep their kids on their own health insurance until age 26. I don’t think it works though for many people though. For me, who doesn’t earn enough to qualify for Obamacare (but lives in a state that hasn’t expanded Medicaid) this means I am forced to pay a fine at tax time, which is a huge burden and unfair. All states should have been required to expand Medicaid — or replace Obamacare with what every other developed country has: single payer healthcare. So I have mixed feelings about it being repealed.

      The other thing is that Hillary at least has political experience and knowledge. Trump is woefully unqualified. Running businesses is not the same thing as running a country.

      He has been endorsed by the KKK, Hillary has not.

      Global warming (which as far as I’m concerned is a scientific fact) will get worse, since he thinks it’s a myth started by the Chinese.

      And that brings me to this: although it’s not really his fault, some of his followers are very scary–violent, authoritarian, racist thugs — like the guy shouting KILL OBAMA in the above video. The people protesting are doing so peacefully, as far as I know. But they are being roughed up by Trump supporters.

      But of course, I am not going to judge you personally for who you voted for or supported. These are just my opinions and you have a right to yours too. I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind.

      Like

      • dennis says:

        Uh, conversion therapy is being done to autists currently – concocted by the same wretch, in fact (Ivar Lovaas). Doesn’t help either group – causes more harm than good, in fact (I know it does that for autists, anyway – know that by personal experience.)

        About the only way to ‘cure’ either condition, barring divine intervention, is murder. (Autism would need a ‘full brain transplant’ – it’s not a buggy application – it’s the whole operating system that’s (regarded as) wrong – which means the autistic individual would effectively ***die***, and some Normie would effectively ‘move in’. I’ve ***no*** clue about ‘gender confusion’ beyond ‘you can’t beat it out of them’ (as was done to me, so i might not embarrass my personality-disordered family) – and ‘killing doesn’t solve the person’s problem, either’.)

        Unless, of course, you reckon the deviant person to be ‘beyond redemption’ – and (because they’ve effectively chosen to be ‘evil’) the only possible choice is to kill them so as to stop their (spiritual) taint from spreading. (Which would explain a lot about autists being murdered. Gays, not sure)

        Like

  3. Hi, dear, do you have any chance to move to another country, dear? I have left my own fasict – rasist country. I feel so lucky. I am sure I could get a mental breakdown there. It is horrible from this distance, too, but I feel safer, anyway. Please, instead of being scared and frightened and shocked, move on, think, find a solution. I know you can do that! All the hugs from me!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Scott says:

    Interesting but Hitler was actually left wing and would have been protesting in the streets too. NAZI actually stands for National Socialism. The more amazing thing is that all of those in the shock and horror category are still not even prepared to think…maybe I am wrong. Maybe I really did get it all wrong and am missing some very deep and important points. Not even a little bit. So many woman and minorities could vote for Trump? Obama’s safe states were where it was lost?. How? Things will never make sense when you are trying to say 2+3=4 and when you want to avoid the obvious at all costs. Since yes, many people do think very differently on many issues. And as shocking as it may seem, the real danger is when everyone agrees. When any dissenting view point is shut down, that is when real catastrophe happens. Perhaps the Right is wrong… but history shows it was never the Right that was at root in Germany, China, Russia and so on. History shows it was the Right that fought against slavery, that championed civil rights (while Hillary was interning for a Senator that opposed it.) Just maybe the other side knows these things, perhaps they fear the left based on fact even more. Perhaps they are disillusioned. Perhaps not even being aware that there was a wider community out there with views very different is the most intolerant thing of all.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. 😦

    I feel more numb from shock, than fearful. When I start to feel fear, I remind myself that fear does not help or change anything. Most of the things that I have worried and stressed over in my life have never happened. The terrible things that HAVE happened were usually things I never anticipated or worried about. Like the horror of 9-11, and my sweet cousin drowning a few hours after our last phone conversation.

    I figure that whatever is going to happen during the next four years, it’s probably going to be something we don’t even expect and can’t possibly foresee. Like the election itself — we did not expect that!

    Life, more often than not, is spontaneous and unpredictable. Which is part of its charm, I think.

    I could not bring myself to vote for either Clinton or Trump. So I followed my conscience and voted Libertarian, for Gary Johnson. My political views are more in line with the Libertarian party, anyway, than with either the Republican or Democratic parties. But until this election, I always bought into the two party thinking that a third party vote “doesn’t count.”

    But you know what — it does count. It sends a message. A third party vote says “I don’t want either of the two party candidates.”

    Prior to the election, a lot of people were saying that a third party vote was really a vote for Trump. I am sorry, but that is just plain irrational. A third party vote is a third party vote, period.

    Here in New Mexico, more than 9% of us voted for Gary Johnson. All third party votes combined totaled more than 11% in this state. And yet, Hillary won more than 48% of the vote here, while Trump only got 40% of New Mexico’s vote.

    So clearly, a third party vote did not equate to a vote for Trump. Otherwise, with more than 11% of New Mexico’s votes going to third parties, Trump would have won New Mexico for sure.

    Maybe if more voters had understood this, we would all be celebrating a real breath of fresh air coming into the Whitehouse next January.

    I think the reason that so many people thought that a third party vote was a vote for Trump, is because they figured that all third party voters were alike, that we would all vote for Clinton if we were forced to chose just one of the two candidates.

    This is also a fallacy. My husband and I are a case in point. He told me that he voted for Gary Johnson. But he also told me that he would have voted for Trump if he had been forced to vote for one of the two main candidates. I voted for Gary Johnson, but if I had been forced at gunpoint to pick one of the other candidates, I would have thrown up and voted for Clinton.

    Anyway, what’s done is done. And yes, there was definitely voter fraud involved, I have no doubt. My stepdaughter was all excited about going to vote Tuesday morning, after finally deciding who she was going to vote for — and then they told her she could not vote, because she had already voted! I KNOW that’s not true! But… was there enough voter fraud (or “computer glitches”) to sway the election? Only God knows.

    And that is where I am placing my trust: in God. Not in any political man or woman. I trust God, and therefore, to the best of my ability, I will not live my life in fear.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I was always skeptical about this (and still am), but I’m really beginning to think along the lines that we may in fact be in the last days and this is Satan taking over the world. Of course, this sort of thing has happened all throughout history, so we are not the first. It just seems like the end of the world because we are US-centric and now it’s happening here. Satan is given way too much power anyway, in my opinion (he was just a fallen angel but some people give him Godlike power). I’m not even sure if he really exists. I think evil is in the hearts of men, not an outside entity. But who knows? It could be true. If so, I hope Jesus returns before any real damage is done.

      The direction we’ve been headed in for the past 30-40 years has been a dangerous one, a slippery slope into totalitarianism and we are now almost there. The sort of things that are tolerated and endorsed today would have been considered fringe-crazy 30 or 40 years ago.

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with third party voting. I almost put in a third party vote myself (for Sanders). At least you are staying true to your beliefs and not selling out to “the lesser of two evils.” I had to hold my nose voting for Hillary but did so as a vote against Trump, who I see as much worse.

      We just have to hope for the best. I still feel numb too, a little dissociated. This is the way I felt after 9/11. I think this is a disaster every bit as bad as that — and maybe worse. I know I’ll get over it and do my part to make the world a better place, no matter how small or insignificant. There are still good people in the world but we can’t be afraid or sink into despair. We have to do our part to change the world and stand on the side of what’s right and just.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I like Bernie Sanders a lot, too. If he had been actively running on a third-party ticket, I would have voted for him.

        I know what you mean, wondering if Satan is real or if evil is in people’s hearts only. However, I have personally encountered a very real evil entity, on more than one occasion. So I know there are real, actual evil spirits. How do I know I didn’t just imagine it? Because others who were with me saw and heard and experienced the same things I did.

        In one of my encounters with evil, a man was about to attack me. Sensing that the attack was demonic, I said “In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, demon, I command you to come out of him.” Immediately, this overweight, out of shape man went from a flat-footed stance on the floor, to… I know it sounds crazy, but this is what really happened… he flipped up in the air, did a somersault in mid air, and landed on his head and shoulder on the floor at my feet. The man was retching the whole time as he was doing that, although he did not throw up. Then he sat up and meekly said, “What happened?”

        Wow. It still freaks me out to remember that, even though it happened in 1978!

        Yeah, people who see this comment are going to think I am nuts now. But oh well… it is time for this old grandma to stand up and fearlessly speak what I know is true!!

        Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          I don’t think you sound nuts. I’ve seen evil too, and a person’s face and eyes do seem to change. Of course, extreme rage/hate can make a person look like the devil too and gives them strength that seems inhuman. It could be a sudden rush of adrenaline that gives them that sort of strength, or maybe it is an outside entity.
          I don’t know about Satan but I do believe there are evil spirits. I’m terrified of Ouija boards and had a bad experience with one once. I stay away from the occult because I think it’s dangerous. So I don’t think you sound crazy.

          I liked Sanders because I sense he is a good man with a lot of empathy. I saw some heartbreaking pictures of him crying as he watched the results coming in. I think he really cares. Whether you agree with him or not, he has ideals and holds to them. We need someone like that. I read that he plans to run again in 2020. I don’t care that he’ll be almost 80, I will vote for him! I hope he lives that long.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I agree that extreme rage and hate can give someone supernatural strength, but really that’s not what happened in this case. He levitated, really. He did not do something super strength like jump up high or run very fast, no, he was standing with his hand back, ready to hit me, but instead of hitting me he floated straight up in front of me, did a mid-air somersault, and landed on his head and shoulder. It actually almost looked like slow motion, not a big adrenaline rush!

            In 1981, I took my mentally handicapped younger brother in to live with me. He stopped his meds suddenly without telling me, because he hated the side effects, and the shock to his brain made him flip out. I was changing my baby’s diaper, and my older son and daughter were with me in the baby’s room, at the top of the stairs. They were six and ten years old and they remember this.

            Suddenly my brother started yelling “YOU’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” He was coming up the stairs toward us, his arms raised menacingly.

            I handed the baby to the ten year old, walked out of the room and stood at the top of the stairs with my three children behind me. I began to pray loudly in the name of Jesus Christ for our protection.

            As soon as I began to pray, a transparent, pulsating force field came down from the ceiling to the floor in the middle of the staircase. It curved from wall to wall. My kids and I were behind the field, and my brother was on the other side of it.

            When my brother ran into the force field, he looked like he had run into a plexiglass wall! He smashed up against it, his face and clothes looked smashed against it, and then he was thrown backward. He landed on his back on the floor at the foot of the stairs, where he shook so violently that everything in his pockets flew out and scattered from one end of the long room to the other. Finally he stopped shaking, sat up, and asked “what happened?”

            The last time I asked them, my two older kids still remembered all of this.

            Whew. I was an idiot. I experienced these things and more, and yet I became agnostic in 1988, through 2003, because things happened in my life that I thought a good, loving, and all powerful God would not allow. Idiotic thinking!! God is on the throne, not me. His will sometimes includes some temporary hard things. Jesus said that in the world we would have tribulations. He said that they persecuted Him, so of course they will persecute us.

            I am so grateful that God forgave me and took me back after my years of living far from Him! But I don’t expect anyone to take my word for these things. We all have to seek the truth for ourselves.

            Liked by 1 person

  6. You are not the only one feeling this way. I am feeling this way too and also many people I know. Children are acting out in racial ways in school since they see Trump’s election as permission to do so. These are dark days indeed. I am shocked too that any woman voted for this man. And I too was feeling nostalgic for Bush who I couldn’t stand while he was in office. Anyone but Donald Trump!

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      I have heard about that too, about kids now thinking it’s okay to bully and namecall kids of other races. I heard an interview yesterday on NPR of a teacher almost in tears because she could not control the sudden increase in racial bullying among her students.
      It’s like we’ve gone back to the 1950s, before the civil rights movement. What’s next? Separate water fountains for blacks and Muslims? Sitting on the back of the bus?

      Yes, when liberals start to feel nostalgic for Bush, that tells me something, and it’s not good. I don’t think Bush would have stood for the negative slurs against Mexicans, being that there were Mexicans in his family. I never thought of him as racist or sexist, just out of touch but his heart was in the right place, I think. At least he had one!

      Liked by 2 people

      • I remember thinking that the worse that could happen this election would be Jeb Bush getting elected. And now, it is so much worse. And with a republican controlled Senate and Congress — will anyone be keeping this man under control?

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh…. talk about a shock. As I was leaving my last comment here, about some of the scary things I have experienced — which, by the way, I believe my getting into Ouija boards and seances as a kid, and my grandfather being into witchcraft, opened the door to — I heard several texts coming in on my phone.

    The texts were from my pastor’s wife. She was telling us that the associate pastor died just this morning.

    He was exactly my age, in apparent good health. He lived with his wife a few blocks away from us. My husband saw him and talked with him Thursday night at the men’s Bible study. I waved to him on the street a few days ago. He looked trim, fit, healthy and happy. Now he is gone?

    Like I said In my first comment here, the things that I fear rarely happen, but the things I don’t foresee, happen.

    We never know when our last day on earth will come. Meanwhile, we need to seek, and speak, the truth as we understand it, while we have breath.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. dennis says:

    So!

    I would not be surprized if we have a replay of what “the arms of Krupp” has as a chapter heading: “we’ve hired “. (He needed a handful of months from legally-appointed chancelor to absolute power as ‘der Führer’)

    I’ve had more than one nightmare in recent days where I was killed in a concentration camp environment, and the bandersnatch just might re-enact ***aktion t-4*** -as a prelude to a greater holocaust.

    Bandersnatch = pakhan? As in “the gulag archipelago” – as in article 58-10? Dugashvili? (The man of steel – what stalin means)

    Liked by 1 person

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