Narcissistic Parents

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About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
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20 Responses to Narcissistic Parents

  1. Wow! That’s intense.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Judy says:

    You read my mind Luckyotter – this is what I was thinking about today. This is so true with regard to my mother’s golden child, my older brother, who, at 53, has conformed to every narcissistic delusion our mother ever had, especially those she holds against me. It’s so true it’s creepy. He’s always making excuses for her most erratic and cruel behavior against me. Recently I confronted my brother for not believing reality when it smacks him in the face, and told him that the reason he never trusted good women, or competent authority, is because deep down he always knew the mother who he idolized as a little child was a psychopath liar.

    I, on the other hand, his innocent, victimized little sister who he had an obligation to protect, has never lied to him.

    The way he responded to this was to suddenly start using what psychiatrists refer to as “language salad”, nonsense sentences much worse than his usual disordered and dissociated reasoning. He was texting this to me as if it made sense, and I don’t think he was drunk…at the time. Once again, I find myself feeling sorry for my older brother, who not only never supported me, but undermined every attempt I made to get my mother proper psychiatric treatment. It’s like he is complicit in her crimes. He has been diagnosed with bipolar II but I seriously think his disorder is more like schizoaffective, triggered by his own form of CPTSD.

    Has anyone else ever had a similar reaction when confronting siblings who grew up in the same household, when you confront them with the truth?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Judy, in answer to your question: “Has anyone else ever had a similar reaction when confronting siblings who grew up in the same household, when you confront them with the truth?” — yes, I got similar weird reactions from two sisters, when I made a couple of statements about our mother that they knew were true. There was no way they could deny the truth of what I said and still be in touch with reality. So their response was like your brother’s, word salad.

      Liked by 1 person

      • luckyotter says:

        You’re no longer sure what’s real and what’s not. Or if you perceptions are accurate. That’s why it’s such a massive mindfck.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you both for your answers. I guess to me, having the mother that I loved bludgeon me in the face when I was five was such a massive mindfck, I find it hard to accept my brother’s refusal to face a reality which is a lot less personally painful to him. But I guess I have to not be angry, as screwing with a child’s mind in anyway is a crime, and I’m not my brother, nor do I know with what she visited him in the middle of the night when we were children. I just trusted my father and told him everything, where my mother brainwashed my brother into being her pantywaist. (Gotta love that word, “pantywaist”. Lol) The emotions alone from angry to sorrowing over my brother are enough to drive me crazy, but I know angry is the wrong route, the one that leads to delusion and error.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Prairie Girl says:

    All I could think of when reading that was my youngest sister, who has copied almost everything down to what our mother looks like and acts like. She mirrors our mother like it’s her job, like it’s her duty.

    I was going to say that she copies our mother like her life depends on it, and I think that must be so to a certain degree, insomuch that I think she would be frightened of what is would mean for her existentially if she were to forge her own identity.

    Like

    • “I was going to say that she copies our mother like her life depends on it, and I think that must be so to a certain degree, insomuch that I think she would be frightened of what is would mean for her existentially if she were to forge her own identity.”

      Wow. Yes. For those of us who have unraveled our own upbringing, who have been set free by doing so, who have discovered we were innocent all along for doing so, it is easy to forget how reality lurks beneath the consciousness deceptively like a dangerous monster, frightening those very people away who really need to look at it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Prairie Girl says:

        I read that the scapegoat has a better chance of finding a way out of lies and fears that bind them. I’m beginning to realize that this is because we have a willingness to do so that a golden child my never have – we do so because we have nothing to lose, they cannot because they’ll lose everything.

        Liked by 2 people

        • luckyotter says:

          I agree with this 100%.

          Liked by 1 person

        • Yes. We start to suspect “wait a minute…this is so crazy…I can’t be that bad…” And the moment we realize “the opposite may indeed be true” our inner critic disappears as if we have finally grabbed the stick he is beating us with away from his fierce grasp.

          Liked by 2 people

          • Prairie Girl says:

            Awesome way to put it! I think that’s what finally happened with me as I got older – the whole “okay, this is getting ridiculous” aspect of living this way. And even when the inner critic totally disappearing my not happen right away, at least we now know to grab the stick from it and to start beating it back!

            Liked by 1 person

            • luckyotter says:

              One way I did wake up was to finally get the courage to make my MN ex leave for good. Even though the inner critic still lives on, it’s becoming fainter- but would not have if i’d not gotten away from that.

              Liked by 1 person

          • luckyotter says:

            Well, I wouldn’t say my inner critic disappeared. It was so ingrained in me that trying to make it go away (or at least be kinder) is like trying to quit smoking or stop doing drugs. For me, even after I realized they were full of BS, their voices lived on inside me. Only now am I learning not to listen and to hear my own inner child’s voice instead.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Prairie Girl says:

              We have the proper inner voice as children but as adults we take on the inner critic’s voice of our parent. I wonder if this is because it’s the only adult voice we know, being that we never developed our own adult voice through proper loving guidance as we were growing up. Just idly thinking on this. I’ll think about it.

              Liked by 2 people

            • luckyotter says:

              I think it is. In therapy I’m learning to listen to that child’s voice and hear her needs, and be the loving parent she didn’t have growing up. It works — it’s never too late to tune out those tired old voices and hear yourself for the first time.

              Liked by 1 person

        • Perhaps it’s kind of like an abuser or cult leader giving favors of privilege or exemption to the more cooperative victims. My brother would always boast he was “better” at dealing with mom, i.e. he never held her to account for her actions. But in reality I think he’s more terrified of her than I am and that’s why he behaves that way. It is tragic. It’s painfully, horrifically tragic. No one should allow undeserved power to rest in the hands of an 86 year old sociopath and minimize their codependency as a communication “skill”.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow – very deep -very true – and can be tragic

    Liked by 1 person

  5. hbsuefred says:

    I saw myself, my parents’ golden child, in this. Fortunately both Sis and I have worked or are working towards hearing our own voices more than those of others. However, I don’t think I can totally blame my covert narcissist mom or even her sometimes mean mom, my Bubbe. I just came back from visiting Mom where we went through some of her old family photos. One the back of a photo of Mom and Bubbe, Bubbe had written “two fat asses”. Have to wonder how and why a person would write something like that about herself and her child, which I hope to learn through genealogy research I have recently started. Mom has constantly been on a diet for almost her whole life, though I think she has backed off that recently. Bubbe, who was obese in Mom’s wedding photo, converted her body into skin and bones by the time we took my uncle’s wedding photos. To this day, twenty plus years after her death which was probably hastened by her apparently lifelong unhealthy eating habits, I wonder why she did that to herself and, through the generations, to my mom and me.

    Liked by 1 person

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