A new day.

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It’s the first day of Summer (or is it the second?), and things look much brighter today than they did last night. In the midst of a severe BPD/C-PTSD “episode,” (I’ll explain more in a minute), I published a post, “Why I’m a Wreck,” which I just set to private and will probably delete eventually. I thank all of you for your prayers and good wishes. I feel like I have a family here. ❤

I’m very symptomatic right now and overreacting to everything. I’m paranoid and hypervigilant. I see evil everywhere and demons in every corner (but the demons are only in my own mind).  I’m having trouble being mindful and trying to stay in the present.  I’m thinking in a more black and white way (splitting) than I have in a long time. I’m catastrophizing and imagining the worst possible outcomes about everything.  I’m “going off” on people and getting angry at them for no reason.    Example: I don’t agree with my roommate’s religious views, and I became very judgmental and actually yelled at her, telling her what she believed was “stupid.”  I immediately felt terrible about it and apologized; being so judgmental is not like me (but it is like me when my BPD is in full bore).   When a lot of things happen at the same time, it can really overwhelm anyone’s system (even if you’re free of BPD or C-PTSD) and it’s hard to keep your grip and stay mindful.

An example of my “catastrophizing” was believing my son has NPD. I talked to him again today, and he certainly does not. He may have a few of the traits of narcissism, but he does have empathy and he isn’t manipulative and he doesn’t play evil mindgames. He was in a bad mood last night and it was late. We talked today and he was much more sympathetic.

Two things have brought on this sh*tstorm of triggers and symptoms.

1. I’m getting deeper into therapy, into the really “difficult stuff.” It isn’t fun anymore. It’s hard, painful work now. I found this hard to believe when I started, that I’d get to a point where I’d be in so much pain as buried traumatic memories begin to emerge to consciousness. I have to keep reminding myself that this is all good; the pain and “regression” back into earlier ways of dealing with stress means I’m healing.

2. My father’s death. I’m grieving in my own way, but more than sadness is a lot of anger, and a lot of old, painful memories are being triggered by this too. I’m actually remembering events I thought I’d long forgotten.

God works in mysterious ways. It was my father’s time to die, but it also happened at a time where I felt “stuck” in therapy–not moving any faster and not able to access buried emotions brought on by trauma. My father’s death has made it possible for me to do this work, and it is work.

As for my daughter, her moving back in with me, as one of my commenters (Susan?) said in the post I just deleted, may be the best thing for both of us. I just need to set some firm boundaries but I think she will respect them. I never thought her living with her dad was a very good idea.

And, I’m not sure yet, but there may be a out of state move in our not very distant future–one that would bring the three of us (me, and both my kids) together as a family again and have a fresh start.  I don’t want to get my hopes too high about this though.  But it could happen.

26 thoughts on “A new day.”

  1. Pingback: A new day. – narcmagnet69x96

  2. Please! Oh, please, don’t delete that blog. It is really awesome. So deep. So real. Don’t go “no contact” with your darkest moments. You have protected your and your children’s identities so it’s not a matter of protecting their privacy. But I hope you will reconsider deleting. The whole point of these blogs is to explore the truth, especially the more painful parts. “Down the memory hole” is for Big Brother and 1984. BTW, I hope your daughter is doing OK. I remember being scapegoated at work and losing my job because of lies. If I’ve experienced it, lots of others have probably experienced it and can relate and learn from it. I think many workplaces are intrinsically toxic. It brings out the worst in us. When you speak of her “evil” father, I assume you mean your “ex.” After you took him in and let him sleep on your sofa for so long, he kicks his (your) daughter out of his house? How perfectly despicable!

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    • I hear what you’re saying, but it’s too embarrassing. 😳 I didn’t delete it, just set it to private so I can always make it public again later on.

      Yes, her father is my ex and he is certainly despicable. A rotten excuse for a human being, an extreme narcissist and sociopath who cares only for himself and whines like a baby when he doesn’t get what he wants.

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  3. Glad you are feeling better. I’ve certainly had many episodes like the stuff you describe. Catastrophizing, hypervigilance, triggered, etc.. It’s never fun!

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  4. I am happy for you that in a way its getting better as for the diagnosos of your son and new plans like your daughter living with you and plans of moving away. Wish you better winds and lots of best wishes that you reach a state where you can feel in peace and harmony with what you have. 🙏🏻🙏🏻☀️

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  5. Sometimes moving away is such a great opportunity for a new start. I had some very traumatizing memories in a place I was living previously. A lot of physical and other abuse happened to me there, I moved to a state that was a horrible choice (frying pan to fire) and after 2 years made the last move I need to make. Its been such a very good decision. God will lead you and give you uncommon wisdom to make the choice that will best heal your life. I’m living a miracle now because He did so for me

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    • I really, really hope it happens. I don’t know yet, and if so it probably won’t be for a while yet. But I might be moving to Florida to live near my son, and am trying to convince my daughter to go down with me, since there really isn’t anything for her here anymore and I think she needs a fresh start too. I think being near the beach would be so healing. I love the ocean, and although I love the mountains, I hate being so far inland that the closest beach (Myrtle Beach, SC) is a 5 hour drive. 😦 My son lives about 5 minutes from the beach. I grew up in NY and NJ, and went to the beach every weekend in the summer. I really miss that.

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      • I moved near the ocean and it is the best decision I’ve ever made about location. There are no high income jobs that I am aware of and yet people take what work they can, and get creative about cottage industries for the wonderful outdoors lifestyle. I was visiting this area for a few months staying in a relatives camper when I realized I felt much more peace by the ocean. Its healed my soul and body

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  6. I’m glad you are feeling better:) And I’m glad you saw good things from your son, that is encouraging. You also have been through a lot but I can tell you’re working to keep yourself firmly grounded. Anything is possible, but, we want a good outcome for you here. Take your situation and make it work for all of you. It’s all in how you frame it. Reframing is a useful tool.

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    • Reframing is a useful tool. Later I’m going to write up a new post based on something Insanitybytes said to me over today in a comment. 🙂 I get inspiration sometimes from my readers.

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  7. It may be painful, but it’s a good sign that you’re opening up with your doctor. I appreciate how things suck right now, but it seems you’re doing all the right things. Keep it up.

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  8. I am so glad you are feeling better today. It would be good for you and your kids to be able to be there for each other. I think it might help all three of you.

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  9. Sharing something i came up with and helps:
    (self talk)
    1. What you feel right now will soon change.
    2. Your opinion about what’s going on now will soon change.
    3. Stay still and observe for an hour. (then another). Until something changes. My limit is one day. If my opinion doesn’t change after one day, i give permission to myself to destroy massively.

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  10. I can relate. Sometimes it just takes a certain trigger and you’re off and running = no fun at all.

    But I think you’ll be fine, and you will snap out of it, probably sooner than you think. 2 steps forward, one step back. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Keep the faith, keep moving on. You’ve obviously come a long way already.

    And thanks for sharing, it’s good to hear other people go through things like this too. And I’m in a place where I can guarantee you this too shall pass.

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    • Thanks Jim. I know it’s only temporary and already I’m feeling a bit better. There might be more during this time, but I’ll try to prepare myself for them.

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  13. My God, Thank you, for helping my friend out here. Amen Hallelujah All praise and honor are yours now and forever.
    Friend in the name of Jesus, let all the evil spirits that are tormenting you right now, that are keeping you down from receiving the full grace of Jesus Christ, that will make you soar away from them forever, I call you out, and I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ, you leave my friend alone.
    And I anoint you with the most powerful and precious blood of Jesus Christ our Lord, the one thing that Demons actually fears, for that is the blood of freedom, that is the blood of forgiveness that is the blood of love, that is the blood of that only begotten son, Jesus Christ, who has destroyed demons and evil spirits and have conquered them all.
    Friend believe in this
    Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, – Romans 8:1
    And I tell you what, you get down on your knees right now, let your faith save you.
    Let is be done according to the will of God the father.
    Who wants you to be happy who loves you and cares about you a lot.
    And I have challenge for you friend, if you can stop your therapy, start praying, I was severely depressed, for 1 year I moved from person to person, from Councillor to psychiatrists, end of the day no one helped. Nothing can change my situation, neither can make me stronger to bear them.
    You know every day I used to wake up and tell God, why did you not killed me this night? Now how can I live my life? One whole day, can you imagine that God take my life right now.
    And you know I thank God now, for not hearing my prayer that time, but loving me a lot instead.
    When I understood that my death is inevitable and nothing is working, I was on my knees I was crying before my alter, alter of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and I said only these words, my Lord, Help me, I just cannot go with my life anymore, if you do not help me now, I will die. Please Lord I beg you to help me, and you know what, from that day only my life changed.
    And this is the story I am telling you, before 2/3 months only, just before the Holy Week.
    Just imagine friend, if God can create this universe in 6 days, what can He do with your life, if you accept him as your Lord and savior, and keep on going deeper and deeper and deeper every single moment, by saying YES TO THE LORD, YES TO HOPE, YES TO LOVE and not to satan, no to death, no to hopelessness, because always remember this in your life, write it in your heart if you can, NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IN YOUR LIFE “GOD IS IN CONTROL” AND HAVE FAITH IN HIM, AND IN HIS TIMING. AND YOU WILL SEE THE MIRACLE HAPPEN.
    See Jesus also believed in his Father, and He also died on the cross, just because His Father has commanded him too, love us, and to die for us. He also died in the Hope of Resurrection, in Faith the Our Father in Heaven is in Control, and That Faith in God the Father made him to Resurrect even from Death. Imagine this friend.
    Believe and you will see your wings, making you rise above your sins, above your problems and sufferings. AMEN HALLELUJAH
    GOD BLESS YOU AMEN
    I would end by this amazing song which I am hearing right now.

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