Separating Ourselves from the Narcissist

Sometimes I think maybe there’s a reason they were in our lives. If adversity doesn’t kill you, it could make you an exceptionally strong person.

After Narcissistic Abuse

What Was Meant for Evil, God Uses for Good.

This post isn’t to glorify or laud the narcissist that intended to harm us with praise for helping us change. Not at all, in fact, this post is a testament to the power of the human spirit lit on fire, determined to heal itself and move past a traumatic encounter with a person who’s sinister character FORCED us to change.

These days, I am very much separated from the narcissist that abused me. I’ve gone on to forgive them and separated their character and actions from my life and core values; which freed me to do the recovery work necessary to regain my identity.

It was not without struggle, dismay, desperation, darkness, loss, and a complete overhaul of my worldviews not to mention a great deal of time and hard work. It’s not EASY to dig into your own defense mechanisms…

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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11 Responses to Separating Ourselves from the Narcissist

  1. ibikenyc says:

    I actually got this today in an email directly from After Narcissistic Abuse; oh, indeed.

    As far as being made strong, NOBODY coulda made me believe that I’d end up being sincerely grateful for being continually degraded, gaslighted, blocked, diverted, and shamed over the past TWENTY YEARS, but I am.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. katiesdream2004 says:

    What a great share that post was, thank you! My thought today as I looked back on the havoc, pain, insanity all that came from being raised in a NARC family and then marrying 2 Narcs was “God can make all this right”. I remembered the story of Joseph, the immature braggart that got sold into slavery by his angry brothers and how he eventually responded “God meant me good no matter what you meant”. In fact, he saved his nation from famine so God not only trumped the evil plans he made something magnificent and transformed Joseph’s character using pain and suffering to do so. I’ve been so defeated for so long that the years I lost to that pain were lost forever,but maybe not. Maybe I’ve yet to see how all things will be made good. Perhaps part of making good out of it is telling our stories in such a way that others come out of the fog, see the light and change their lives?

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      The story you shared about Joseph is an excellent example of how we can “make lemons out of lemonade” or use our experiences not only to grow stronger but to help others. Without the kind of backgrounds we have, I wonder if I’d have even half the insight into human nature I have. Sure it’s been painful but I’m beginning to see the silver lining on the black cloud that’s always hung over me. Before, all I could see was the black. Sorry about all the cliches.

      Liked by 2 people

      • katiesdream2004 says:

        It takes as long as it takes to understand this doesn’t it? I was grieving about wasted years and heard that inner voice “I don’t waste anything and I make all things new”. Every wrong turn, all the years of craziness with N’s pulling the strings, the confusion, the pain, the chaos, at last, I see what I couldn’t see. I can trust that the lost years will be restored. Prayer, which I’m turning to more and more, is powerful to transform our brokenness into strength

        Liked by 2 people

  3. S says:

    A wonderfully healing article. I should be more healed at this time in my life, but, I realized there was control by proxy going on(these past 12 months), when it really shouldn’t have been. So in a way, I just started healing again just this month.

    Hindsight is 20/20. The N will never admit to what they’re doing and have done so you have to look back and think and make sense of it. This all takes much thought and time.

    I spend a lot of time on this when I should be more in the moment of today, but, I think if I don’t figure it all out, it could happen again. One needs to know the method of their operation, ‘how it’s done,’ etc. It’s hard to believe the amount of effort and thought it takes the N to keep the abuse going. Imagine all of the good that could be thought of as well instead. But, thats not what they do.

    My abuse was so bad I will give an example. I was living with one. Munchausens by Proxy was apparently going on, and I was always scatter-brained and worn out and needing assistance and help and aid. Because I was put in such a bad way, I couldn’t always clean house properly and then my N would punish me for that.

    I knew I had to let the N go, but, at the same time, I was too ill that I was requiring assistance with errands and the like.

    Key point, I had no clue there was any Munchausens by Proxy going on. If I had, I certainly would have let the N go much, much sooner. It was like being trapped.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      Something about this comment stood out to me–the scatterbrained-ness. I was thinking about that today. All my life, people have told me how scatterbrained I am and that I lack common sense. It’s true too. It didn’t help being a blonde! I wonder if this is a symptom of complex PTSD or PTSD because you’re never completely in the moment, always a little dissociated. I may do a post about that.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. S says:

    Well part of the abuse they do, is to disorient you. Like moving things around where you know you last left something. Another thing, these last 12 months, the clock on my microwave kept ‘automatically’ setting itself to a wrong time. I was still getting sick even though I was taking care of myself. Things were breaking in my home that I didn’t do and generally it wouldn’t happen on its own. Once I figured out the ‘control by proxy'(a third party), everything got better. The clock on the microwave no longer gives me a problem, my health is improving. So because of the continuance of the abuse via a third party, the scattered-brainedness re-appeared. Basically, to sum it all up, none of these things should have been happening. I think others might get involved bc they are fed misinformation and there might even be $ to back it. I don’t know, it’s all that would make sense to me. So of course, as a result, my PTSD has intensified, again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Oh, yes. They will try to make you think you’re crazy, then turn around and tell everyone you’re crazy and of course they believe the narc because by that point, you’re going crazy!
      It’s called gaslighting. In the movie, Ingrid Bergman’s abusive husband kept dimming the gaslights and when she complained to him about it, he told her it was only her imagination. Then he upped the ante, going up to the attic and making noise, and then telling her no one had been in the attic, and again, it was only her “overactive imagination.” My ex used to do something like that. He used to take my car keys or other things he knew I needed and hide them. Then he’d tell me I was “so forgetful” and replace whatever it was, pretending it had been there the whole time and I just didn’t see it. What can you do or say? I wound up giving him the benefit of the doubt and began to question my own ability to remember things. When they get other people in on this (flying monkeys) then no one believes you.

      Liked by 2 people

      • S says:

        Yes so you do get this. I think what makes it so hard to figure out is #1 We would never even think ourselves of doing that to someone. #2 You trust the person(s) you are living with. My therapist told me that the N’s usually ‘go after’ the one with power of some kind. I’ve seen two types of power that would cause an N to go after the person. #1 Money or resources of some kind. #2 Knowledge or wisdom. Could be both.

        And then from my days as a professional is psych, I can remember a staff member once saying, “Where theres a psych patient there is money.”

        Liked by 2 people

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