What does covert narcissism feel like?

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itsmytime

This was a comment in another post but I wanted it to be a blog post because I think it’s a good nutshell explanation of what covert NPD actually FEELS like, filtered through self-awareness:

I feel like…”everyone’s better than me and has more and I deserve to die because I’m a worthless POS”…but underneath THAT is this “how DARE they have more, I’m more SPECIAL and that’s why I don’t feel like bothering with you and people are stupid for rewarding you for not being all that,” (but this defensiveness stems from my fear of them getting too close and seeing nothing but a black void under that).

And under all THAT–inside the VOID I can’t let anyone see–is the true self I’m seeing more and more of, as she shows herself more. She’s creative and sensitive and cares about people–a LOT. That void isn’t empty at all, but I have to go in there and face the darkness…

Does that make sense?
We have TWO masks, not just one.

So it can’t be Aspergers. Aspies don’t have all that RAGE..and self hatred…and fake hidden grandiosity and bitterness…

I still have a long way to go but I’m feeling pretty good about it all. I hope that’s not being grandiose. I’m actually happier than I’ve ever been right now because I lost something really toxic during that bizarre journey of a week ago…I still get emotional (in a good way) thinking about it…

8 thoughts on “What does covert narcissism feel like?”

  1. As always, you make me think. And wonder. I suppose all of us have narcissistic tendencies, a survival mechanism that makes us seek food and shelter, etc. Only a few (oh, God, how I pray it’s just a few!) stay the self-centered idiot that is a 2 or 3 year old; the rest of us face the same abyss and work like hell NOT to. At the center of all narcissists is fear of abandonment and fear such as you describe–that you’re not worthy or good enough or even there. But that is everyone’s fear, if they have insight. That does not make you a ‘covert’ or closet narcissist–just human.

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    • Yes, I’m having some doubts but when I think about the incredible and mindbending way I came to my self realization, it just seems to ring true. But yes, all humans, even non-disordered ones, have those feelings–we all need “supply,” we all fear abandonment, we all feel empty inside to one degree or another, at various times.

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  2. Hmm. Interesting.

    After I read this, I sat here for a few minutes and asked myself what does it feel like to be me… and I realized that my feelings change considerably, depending on current circumstances — however my predominate, default feeling is simply… peace. Quiet, gentle, soft, accepting peace.

    Before I got off of caffeine, my dominant feeling was anxiety, and anger at myself because I didn’t know what was wrong with me that caused me to feel so anxious and fearful. But even on caffeine, underneath the anxiety was a quiet place of peace. Like an ocean that is stormy on top, but quiet and still at the bottom. I don’t understand it, but I am very grateful for it.

    About empathy — for most of my life I have had so much empathy, it was like I could actually feel other people’s emotions. But there was a period of about 5 years when my empathy was nonexistent. I was dead inside during that time. I did not feel love, did not feel empathy, did not feel anxious, did not even feel enough to call it peace. I just felt…. nothing, except for maybe an occasional cold shadow of an emotion.

    My deadness started with a severe head concussion, which occurred when my ex husband knocked me to the floor, then sat on my back and grabbed me by the hair and slammed my face into the hard wood floor, with all of his evil enraged strength, over and over and over again. I could not remember my home address after that, I barely remembered my name. For the next five years I was an empty shell of a person, the walking dead.

    Then, on the day after my daughter’s wedding, my emotions unfroze. I was flooded with an overwhelming gigantic LOVE for my children, the huge love that had always been there before my concussion. With it came all the empathy and emotion that I had lost. I sobbed for hours when my emotions came back! That was over twenty years ago and I am still alive inside, filled to overflowing with love and empathy.

    But… for five whole years I did not feel any love or empathy at all. I wasn’t doing evil, I wasn’t out hurting or manipulating people during that time. I was just… empty. Dead. A non-person. Was I a covert narcissist during that time? I don’t know. I think I was just simply…. broken.

    I shared all of this with you in case you might be able to relate, or maybe gain some insight into how our emotions can be tied to our physical health as well as our mental health. A concussion, a high fever, an infection, a severe trauma, the chemicals we consume, such as caffeine… all of these things can and do affect our mind and emotions. XO

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    • I know that dead feeling. I had it during most of my marriage.
      After we split, I overflowed with love for my kids to the point it was a little over the top. A lot of that was guilt for not having been there more for them when we were married because of the drama between their father and me, and my escaping into my fantasy life to escape my misery living with him.
      I can definitely relate.
      I doubt you were a covert narcissist, because cNPD doesn’t just go away on its own. It most likely was C-PTSD which I probably had also.
      Come to think of it, I’m beginning to think all the PD’s are actually deeply ingrained forms of C-PTSD that were caused by chronic abuse, rather than a single traumatic event. They’re all ways of coping with the world after abuse and show a lot of the same symptoms (dissociation, feeling “dead,” not feeling anything, not being able to connect or empathize, nervousness, anxiety, self destructive acts, rages, quick startle reflex, etc. It’s probably all PTSD.

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    • How dreadful for you. Your mind (soul) must have needed time to heal–not just the physical concussion but also the emotional one. Glad you’re peaceful and loving again! It took me years and therapy (and moving several states away) to get to that peace.

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