I told my ASPD ex he was a narcissist, and…

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I woke up this morning feeling good. I’ve been feeling somehow…changed since my epiphany a week ago. I have been a little more grandiose acting, which I think is partly due to the outer mask of inferiority and worthlessness falling off during my trip down the rabbit hole.

In church I prayed for humility and asked God to not let me become too full of myself and to keep things real. Because I know grandiosity will be my defeat in the long run and the things I have planned ahead could be ruined by that. I never saw my grandiosity before, but then again I kept it hidden, even from myself, under an emotionally self-flagellating, almost masochistic social mask.

I was excited about my daughter’s big news. She wanted my malignant narcissist ex (her father) there also, so I knew it had to be pretty big.

Her boyfriend (well, fiance!), Ryan, asked to speak to us alone, separately, and actually asked each of our permission to marry our daughter. How chivalrous and old school and gentlemanly that was, and of course I said yes. I think he’ll actually get down on his knees and propose formally once she picks out a ring (they’re at the mall tonight). Anyway, I like the guy. He’s humble and quiet and financially stable. My ex also gave his blessing.

I found myself mouthing corny old cliches like, “I’m not losing a daughter, I’m gaining a son” and “never go to bed mad at each other!” (I said the same thing to my ex when we married but of course we always went to bed mad). So I had to laugh at myself for that. Suddenly the bustling, fussy mother-of-the-bride mode took over and I started spouting all kinds of ideas for the wedding. It’s going to be small and informal, possibly outdoors, most likely in April, right after her 23rd birthday.

Knowing what their news was in advance (mothers always know), I had brought over the tea-length informal wedding dress I wore when I married her father in 1986 (actually I found it in the prom department and it was a lot cheaper than similar dresses found in the bridal department). I made her try it on; it fits her almost perfectly . It’s a little loose in the bust but she can wear padding or have it taken in, depending on whether she wants to go fuller on top or not). She’s an inch shorter than me too, so the dress is slightly longer on her but that’s okay and actually looks better a little longer.

The first picture shows what the dress looks like on her.
The second shows the same dress on me at my own wedding 29 years ago. She wasn’t interested in the ridiculous 1980s headpiece I;m wearing, but I can’t say I blame her for that. 😀
dress2 dress3_me

I was feeling expansive and loving everyone after the wine I had and the announcement, and I started thinking how nice it would be if there could healing in this family, if there wasn’t always so much drama and animosity. So in my tipsy state, I decided to approach my ex and tell him I thought we were both narcissists, and then apologize for my part in the mess our marriage became.

I told him I was a covert narcissist (and explained what that was because he didn’t know), he did two surprising things. First, he told me he didn’t think I was a narcissist (after gaslighting me for years telling me I WAS one!)
I told him why he was wrong, because covert narcissists don’t act like grandiose ones. I explained a little about the mechanics of the narcissistic mind, and about the false and the true self.
Then I told him (gently) that I thought he was a narcissist too, that in fact I knew he was, but I didn’t hate him for it.

He said that based on what I’d said (he trusts my opinions about psychology since I majored in it and always impressed him with that line of knowledge) he knows he may be a narcissist. But then he told me he had something even worse–Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)–an actual diagnosis, which he’d known about for months. It came around the time I wrote this rant about his being rewarded for being a potentially homicidal psychopath. Obviously, my BPD rage was coming out in that article but it makes me laugh now. I can’t believe how much I’ve changed since I wrote that. It’s kind of embarrassing to read it now, even though I had every right to be mad as a caged hyena.

He still was able to gaslight me a little though, and said I was “manic” and “bipolar” about my excitement about both the wedding and my plans for my two blogs down the line and a possible book (an idea’s finally forming in my mind about what the book will be about but I’m not saying anything yet). I realized (with more than a little embarrassment) I was being a little grandiose (since my epiphany, I’ve become VERY aware of my narcissistic behaviors when they come out and have to catch and stop myself sometimes), but here he was calling me “manic.”

But at least he isn’t denying he’s a narc. Although we will never again be friends and I still avoid him as much as I can (low contact), I can tell he’s mulling the idea that he’s a narcissist in his mind and somehow I think that could lead to a kind of understanding, which would be nice with our daughter’s wedding coming up sometime early next year.

Also please see my article, 5 Reasons Why You Should Never Tell a Narcissist They’re a Narcissist

26 thoughts on “I told my ASPD ex he was a narcissist, and…”

  1. Congrats!!! You aren’t manic, you are excited! If you suddenly don’t sleep for days and start making extremely risky decisions then you might possibly be manic, otherwise you are just a normal mother-of-the-bride. How did your daughter feel about wearing your old wedding dress? Be prepared in case she changes her mind and doesn’t want to wear it (although it is pretty!) Is there an approx wedding date set?

    As far as your ex– Antisocial, eh? No wonder he is getting disability- that makes sense. But, jeez, now I feel even more for you for what you must have gone through being married to him. I am glad he is somewhat perceptive to the idea of being a narcissist.

    Liked by 3 people

    • She said she liked it a lot. I told her to be honest, did she REALLY like it a lot. She said yes so I think she was telling the truth but she still might wear a differnt dress, she hasn’t decided yet. I’m fine with it if she goes for something else. Narcissistic or not, she doesn’t have to be my mini-me! 😀
      I was just glad to get a photo of her wearing it–comparing it on both of us is cool.

      Liked by 3 people

    • Yes, I was surprised someone with ASPD (which didn’t surprise me really because he is SO malignant) would have any capacity to admit he is a narcissist or even that he might be one. I hope he can get to a point of wanting to change but honestly i think he’s too far gone and it won’t ever happen.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Not as much as I’d like. I don’t have ill will, but I have this underlying rage , envy and resentment even though it’s not ususally expressed. For years I thought it was Aspergers and recently discovered my “aspergers” is actually symptoms of covert narcissism. I will say I have a well developed conscience and stuggle with guilt and shame a lot, so based on that, I don’t think I’m that bad…but I want to be able to connect with people better than I can. It’s hard to access my deeper emotions sometimes but this blog has helped a LOT with that.
      I hope your not scared off. I’m self identified, but don’t have an actual dx for that and would probably fail a standard NPD test anyway.

      Liked by 3 people

      • From what I’ve seen, you probably would fail the standard test. That’s why I asked. It could just be the Aspergers n low emotional intelligence. U don’t try to manipulate, lie and you certainly aren’t obsessed with appearances n your image. I’m not scared off silly lol. I just don’t want u to mislabel yourself. I can always give you some of my empathy lol. I have more than enough to share 😉

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        • I’d love to have some. I seem to have mor than I did. I do feel empathy but in kind of a cold, disconnected, abstract way, it’s just so hard to connect with people and there’s all this underlying envy and shit I don;t want and keeps me from letting anyone too close.

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            • Pretty much all that. 😦 I feel like….everyone’s better than me and has more…underneath that is this “how DARE they have more, I’m more SPECIAL and that’s why I don’t bother with you,” that sort of thing. And under all THAT is the true self I’m seeing more and more of, as she shows herself more.
              Still have a long way to go but I’m feeling pretty good about it all. I hope that’s not being grandiose.
              I’m actually happier than I’ve ever been right now because I lost something really toxic during that bizarre joureny a week ago…I still get emotional (in a good way) thinking about it

              Liked by 3 people

            • I can’t imagine how you feel. But you are still you. Anyone that sees u differently isn’t worth knowing. U have guts n this is your journey. No one else’s. As long as u are true to yourself and always improving, things will only get better. Stay strong. Hugs xo

              Liked by 2 people

  3. Lol… when I read the title of this post: “I told my ASPD ex that he was a narcissist, and….” …..what flashed through my mind was the movie title “So I Married An Axe Murderer.” 😈 I’m glad it didn’t go that way! 😀

    Congrats on the great news. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      • Exactly!

        My second husband was a murderer. That is, he shot and killed someone when he was 17, it was premeditated and in cold blood. He got away with it by making it look like a deer hunting accident.

        Early in our relationship, he told me all about the murder. He spelled out how he did it, why he did it, everything. He cried and shook as he told me about it. He also told me that he had been diagnosed by someone as a psychopath.

        I was just 21 when we were married, and he was nearly the same age as my parents. He was charming, sophisticated, brilliant, fascinating,… superior in all those things that MNs and ASPDs use to lure you in. I was so dumb, or I should say naive, that I fell for his lines about him falling madly in love with me at first sight. I was so starved for love, that I believed everything he told me.

        He is the one who later tried to kill me, while explaining to me that he “had no choice,” he “had” to kill me, because our marriage wasn’t working out to his satisfaction and he couldn’t leave me alive, because I might go to the police with what he had told me about the murder he committed all those years ago.

        I managed to escape with my life and then I did call the police,… then I called the District Attorney… then I called the FBI. But I was blown off, every one of the people I talked to treated me like they thought I was making it up for revenge. They said the murder happened so long ago, and it happened in a different state, and it was my word against his, and he was still a minor when he committed the murder, so, basically, never mind.

        The guy is still alive, living in Europe now, although in his online pictures he is so old he looks more dead than alive.

        Where was I going with this? Heck, I don’t even know, lol. I guess I was just saying that I have also been married to a sociopath/psychopath and…. Good Riddance!!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. You weren’t manic, just excited about happy news! (Finally!). Enjoy the moment and be happy to look forward to your daughter’s wedding. That pic of you two in the same dress is lovely. You’re not being grandiose if you’re rightfully proud of yourself. You’re allowed to feel what you feel, to be who/what you are. Your other readers said it–you’re not using people, manipulating them to get what you want, gaslighting others to control them, etc. And your sense of being apart from others might actually be a good thing, as it is what Buddha encourages.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heh, now I’m having doubts that I’m really a covert narc. But I fit the descriptions so perfectly and “passed” a cNPD test I took, so I’m going with the assumption I am one. It’s okay, because I’m determined to be rid of it, and even if it’s NOT that, the things I’m doing to heal can still work on my BPD, Avoidant, etc.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Good for you! I just read a study that suggests that victims of toxic narcissists are so drained of life, hope, sanity (fill in the blank), they react like a narc for a time. They have to work NOT to be like their vampire. Best.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Maybe so, but I’m still going to assume I’m one for now and continue my self-therapy, because I’m becoming increasingly convinced all personality disorders are severe forms of PTSD so any therapy that would work for those would work for PTSD as well. I’ll be writing about this sometime. The labels don’t really matter when all is said and done. Abuse is abuse, and it was done to us,whether we’re BPD, covert NPD or just codependent. Anyone who’s self aware and wants to get better, can.

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  5. Ah, “gaslighting”…I’m still learning about that, even 10 years after I first heard the term. Thankfully, it’s easier to recognize when some family members try to do it!

    Congratulations on the upcoming nuptials…I know that you are proud as punch!
    😀

    Liked by 1 person

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