The stages of becoming malignant; moments of clarity

I just received this comment under the currently spiking article (linked in the previous post).

jamcomment
Click to enlarge.

I’ve embellished my reply into an article because this was such a fascinating issue to me.

Becoming Malignant
Malignant narcissists who became that way later in life by making an evil choice (such as making a genuine deal with the devil, becoming involved in the dark arts, or committing a heinous crime against their will, such as in war, may not be entirely seared and the real self can occasionally shine through. But they can’t leave the darkness without an almost supernatural force of will. They may know they’re this way and may even hate it and suffer, but THEY CANNOT LEAVE THE DARKNESS once they’ve made that choice. It’s like they already died and went to hell (I’m not sure I believe in a literal place called Hell, but I think you know what point I’m making here).

The Infection.
Malignant narcissists are incredibly dangerous because they can infect you with their sickness. They can literally rip out your soul and replace it with emptiness and blackness. A formerly good person can also become MN themselves if they associate too long with an MN abuser. There are several stages to this process. It doesn’t happen immediately. It’s very insidious.

Here is the machinery of evil:

1. The Honeymoon: The MN love bombs the intended victim with charm, fake love, gifts, and kindness so they learn to trust them.
2. The MN will pretend to agree with everything the victim says and seem empathic. What’s really happening is the opposite. The victim already trusts the MN and has been partly brainwashed already, so whatever the MN says, the victim agrees with and think it was themselves who thought it
3. The MN changes and his games become cruel and anything but loving. The honeymoon is over. The blatant mindfuck begins.
4. Over time, the spirit of the abused breaks down. They begin to feel like they’re worthless and the insane and abnormal begins to seem normal.
5. The MN abuse becomes worse. They make it impossible for the victim to escape, using various means and separating them from friends and other loved ones, often through turning everyone they both know against the victim through the MN’s lies, gaslighting, and triangulation. The victim becomes isolated and thinks they might be going crazy and start to doubt their own reality. If the victim has figured out the MN has turned everyone into their flying monkeys and started a campaign against them and try to call out the MN, they will be told they are crazy or imagining things. The classic psychological horror movie “Gaslight” shows this process so well that the term “gaslighting” was named after it. At the same time the victim realizes they have become entirely dependent on the MN.
6. This is the make or break moment. The abuse escalates into abject, intolerable cruelty. The victim may begin to fight back (this is the point at which a person can still leave the relationship before their soul is destroyed). If they don’t fight back they will succumb even further and are doomed, because…
7. As a defense mechanism, the victim begins to identify with the MN. This is known as Stockholm Syndrome. It’s the only way they can cope with what their life has become and the pain they are undergoing at the hands of the MN. They begin to collude with the MN.
8. Once they collude with the MN (even if it’s to insure their survival or the survival of others like their children), the transformation is complete. The victim, newly turned MN, can never go back. As they age they will keep getting worse.
9. The MN who infected the victim at this point will probably leave and move on to his or her next victim. There is nothing more he can with the first victim.

I got to Stage 6. Thank God I didn’t get any further along than that. Once I began to identify with my abuser(s), it might have been too late…

I’m getting mega chills writing this. This is scary stuff. But it’s real.

Moments of Clarity
On the other side of the equation, the opposite could happen (the MN turning good), but it’s far less likely than the first scenario, which is all too common. If it does ever happen to an adult, it’s extremely rare.

Even the most malignant narcs have these bizarre moments of clarity. They don’t happen often. It’s kind of spooky because it’s like all of a sudden they have another personality, but it’s fleeting. It’s as if they wake up for a second and even their look changes to a different, more human one. It’s very, very weird. I’ve seen it myself. It’s a moment that could change them if they really wanted help. Usually it passes too quickly unless God steps in. A really good therapist might be able to get through if the narc presented themselves for therapy, which they sometimes do (when they’ve lost all their supply and have sunk into depression).
Still, we can’t delude ourselves into thinking they will get better. The vast majority will not. In fact they grow worse with age.

I’m reminded of a scene in “The Shining” (the book, not the movie), where Jack Torrance (the possessed father) comes out of his trance for a second or two and tells his son Danny, “RUN! Get away from me, I love you!” Then he goes back into his murderous rage. It was incredibly creepy.

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21 thoughts on “The stages of becoming malignant; moments of clarity

  1. Maybe this is a possibility with the less malignant ones or ones who are not sociopaths and there is a sliver of conscience left. I have never seen this happen with my mother or GC sister. There never was a moment of clarity or true emotion to give me hope. I know with them it was extreme. With lesser narcs and less malignants, sometimes you will see them at battle within themselves.

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    • It probably doesn’t happen with psychopaths or the very malignant MN’s (your FOO does sound like they are too far gone).
      Isn’t watching that battle creepy? *shudder* I’ve seen it. It freaked me out, omfg.

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      • Yeah mine are pretty far gone. They are indeed scary people. I was on FB and saw a glimpse of Aunt Scapegoat in the background of a picture of a cousin’s baby. She looked horrible. I have not seen her since 2010. Like darker and darker spirit around her. One thing I notice about the narcs they seem to change in appearance.

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  2. For me, step #5 was executed by character assassination. My ex was saying some awful things about me which caused everyone to pull away from me. When people everywhere we went started treating me different, I didn’t think it was him. I mean what husband begins to bad mouth their wife shortly after marriage. I thought I was imagining things. He was frustrated because he couldn’t manipulate me the way he wanted. I asked a lot of questions when what he said didn’t make sense. To him, I was being disloyal to him. To me, I just wanted to know the truth. After a while, I realized that his truth was subjective and I couldn’t tell the difference between truth and fiction.

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    • My ex did the same thing to me. He was charismatic and was able to turn most of our friends into his flying monkeys — and had EVERYONE believing I was a crazy bitch and he was blameless. He would say things then deny he ever said them. It was all crazymaking mindfuckery. I never felt so alone or hated by everyone. That was exactly what his intention was–to isolate me from others so he could do even more damage. Fortunately I finally found he wherewithal to GTFO.

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      • Until I read this post today, I didn’t realize it was a strategy to isolate me. I thought, in his delusional mind, he really believed his lies. What was mind-boggling was how people just automatically went along with him, how they were so willing, no questions asked, to believe that I was this God-awful person that he was married to, when actually it was the other way around. Eventually, I learned that he was projecting himself onto me. I am not sure if he is malignant or not because he battled with himself. Thinking of him conjures up images of a “tortured soul.” Glad That nightmare is over.

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        • Thank God you got away. Mine reached the point of no longer battling with himself. He became thoroughly malignant. I actually saw this happen to him. When I first met him he was definitely a narc but he had moments of goodness even when the honeymoon phase was over. He became more evil over time, after he started dabbling into the occult and heavy drinking and taking drugs. His interests became very dark. He totally changed.

          The gaslighting and triangulating and lying they do to isolate you is intentional. They know exaxtly what they are doing. You were probably targeted because you had something he wanted and envied–such as empathy. They do project all their bad qualities onto you. My MN used to tell everyone I was the narcissist–how selfish I was–and EVERYONE believed him because he had more charm and charisma than me. They usually do have that weird charisma and the ability to brainwash everyone around them. You really begin to question your sanity when you’re the target of their games. They want you that way–weak and feeling worthless, and believing their lies.

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  3. I once knew a malignant narcissist that I’m sure knew right from wrong. She was always moralizing everyone and make me feel like I was the nastiest person on the planet, and she so good.

    My kids and I saw her mistreat her daughter then smirked. We still remember that. She also threw a fit if I ever disagreed with her.

    She was so smirky after hurting me and making me apologize. I never thought it bizarre when she told me that I was a crappy person and I should just accept that of myself. Oh, and she was a social worker.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, you will find MN’s in the helping professions and as pinnacles of their churches, because it’s in these places no one will suspect them of being the monsters they really are. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. And they absolutely know the difference between right and wrong, it’s just that they choose wrong over right.

      It’s the people with APD (antisocial personality disorder) who really can’t tell the difference between right and wrong. They are also impulsive and don’t plan out their actions, so people with APD are more likey to be in prison than people with NPD. For these reasons, they are less dangerous.

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      • That woman you describe sounds exactly like a boss I had years ago. That woman had it in for me from day one and turned the entire office against me. She said cruel things to me and about me to others and always had that smug, smirky look on her face. She enjoyed my pain.

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      • That was the reason everyone believed him because he was in the church, actually in and out, never staying too long. He definitely used the church to his benefit. He had no empathy for people. He actually despised them. He thought he was a prophet, but he was a sheep on wolves clothing. People are so gullible when it comes to the church. The few people he couldnt charm, he used character assassination against them. It was crazy!

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  4. These kind of people might be born and raised without ever learn about empathy. They can really destroy our lives and do it. I’m happy that I got away after around 7 years. The time after was really tough to find myself and that I still had value in our world.

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    • Yes, most MN’s were probably this way from an early age due to neglect, abuse and genetics (narcissism runs in families), but good parenting can override the genetic trait, at least to some degree.
      It’s good you got away. That’s how long I allowed my narc to continue to live with me and use me AFTER we divorced. It was scary being alone after I finally made him gtfo. But I am so glad I took action. So.glad. It was the best thing I ever did for myself besides starting this blog, which has become my therapy and my passion. I’m not the same person I was–I felt like I was dead inside. Not anymore.
      They make you believe you are worthless and a failure at everything. But it’s really just them projecting their own failures and worthlessness onto you, because that’s what they do.

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      • You are right, that is what they are doing.
        I found my way to escape and didn’t allow him to come inside my new house after advice from my therapist then. This helped me to keep him away from my new life, which he also tried to destroy, but without luck. He just need to be happy, that I got away, otherwise I would have killed him, I was very close.

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        • There were times I actually thought about killing my ex. That’s where my head was at. Of course I knew I would never do it, but I actually hoped something would happen to him, like an accident. He threatened suicide all the time, I was at the point of, “fine, just get it over with already.” I lost all my empathy for him. That was just before I finally made the decision to make him leave and get a restraining order. I hated him.

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            • It’s not hate anymore. Sometimes I even feel sorry for him (but not that much–because that can be dangerous too). But at the time it was–and that was good because it injected me with enough anger to separate myself from him finallly. Without that “hate” or anger or whatever it was, I would still be with him. Or dead.
              But in a general sense, yes I agree, hate and unabating anger poisons us.

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