What motivates me to keep going.

treasure

A few people have asked me how I remain so motivated to stay in therapy and so determined to become whole one day, in spite of the many setbacks I’ve faced and the inevitable triggers I’ve willingly confronted. Even my therapist has said I’m one of the most motivated clients he’s come across. People wonder if I’m just a sucker for punishment and even have masochistic tendencies.  Why on earth would I want to voluntarily embrace so much psychic pain instead of opting to remain emotionally numb the way I used to be?

I think the number one motivator for me is that I’ve learned to think of the road to wellness as an adventure of the mind and soul, not unlike climbing Mount Everest or exploring the ocean depths.    The only difference is that it doesn’t involve bodily risk. Staying as emotionally dead as I used to be seems as boring as staring at a wall all day.  Now that I’ve seen a glimpse of what I can attain, I never want to go back.  Knowing what I know now about myself, remaining in that particular hell would drive me insane.  So these days, I’d rather face the unpleasant challenges and do battle with them.   None are too big for me to conquer, even though at times they can seem to be.

By nature, I’m not a huge risk taker, but I’ve always been fascinated by the workings of the human mind.  My own mind is like a labyrinth right before my eyes, but within its dark tunnels and crevices I never know when I’ll find some treasure.

Being in therapy for anyone who suffered severe trauma and abuse can be extremely triggering and at times very painful.    I’ve left some sessions and fallen into vast yawning depressions afterward, feeling lost within the emptiness that I always knew was there even before I knew what was really wrong with me.

Faith that a higher power (or God, if you prefer) will show me the way to the treasure chest I know lies deep within is a huge motivator for me, but even now, without knowing exactly where it lies, occasionally I stumble across evidence that I’m getting closer.   A diamond here, an emerald over there, a small vein of gold embedded in the unforgiving granite.   It gives me hope and motivation to keep going.    I no longer doubt that it’s there….somewhere.   All I need is to keep going.   Therapy provides me with a compass to know which direction to go and the assurance that I won’t die trying to find it.   The journey may appear dangerous at times, but I know it never really is.   Staying mindful helps me conquer any fear that I’ve gone too far or too deep.

Discovering things about yourself that you never knew can be really sobering, even upsetting, but it’s also enlightening.   Awareness and insight about your own motivations is the key to healing from anything that plagues the mind and soul.   Self discovery is always fascinating and full of the unexpected.    It may seem like hard work, and it is, but I know the reward will be worth all the pain, and there are enough pleasant surprises along the way to keep me trudging along the rugged trail.   I can do this!    You can too, if you want it badly enough.

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About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
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12 Responses to What motivates me to keep going.

  1. rubycommenting says:

    This is a very good post. I enjoy your writing and self expression. I too had compared my healing journey to climbing a Mount Everest in a poem I wrote for a therapist because it sure feels that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. nowve666 says:

    Damn! I read the description of Covert Narcissism in Facebook, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201601/7-signs-covert-introvert-narcissist and saw a lot of myself in it. Shit! If I’m gonna be a narc, I wanna be the overt kind.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I have detected a bit of covert NPD in you, sorry to say. I know the overt kind seems cooler to many people, but also think those types are less likely to ever become self aware because their narcissism works for them and they’re less likely to ever take responsibility for what they do to others. I can see some BPD in you too. Most cluster Bs have more than one of the disorders. I know you say you are histrionic and I can I can see that too. Of course, I can’t professionally diagnose you so I could be dead wrong. It’s just what I pick up from you. I still like you though — you make me think and laugh, and you’re always nice to me. And you have a fascinating blog.

      Like

  3. JIm says:

    You have a very rich inner life, it seems to me. I guess that’s why I like your blog. Plus you’re an excellent writer.

    Man I wish you would start freelance writing on the side.

    I am so confident that within 2 years you could have already quit your crappy job where you don’t get no respect and be making $60k or considerably more and be more or less enjoying your work.

    It really bothers me off that you don’t start. 😦

    Oh well none of my business I guess. I should focus on my own life and problems and challenges.

    I just cannot imagine you would not succeed.

    It’s been on my mind when I read your blog, so I figured I’d throw it out there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jim says:

      Ooops, was gonna say pisses me off.

      Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      This is the year I’m going to write an eBook! (I agree with you).

      Like

      • Jim says:

        Cool.

        You have a gift. Max it out.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Jim says:

          I should rephrase because I really want to encourage you.

          Good for you with the ebook! And for the readers.

          You have a really valuable gift that blesses people. It is therapeutic to hear your honesty, the things you struggle with are super relevant for me, and for a ton of people I think.

          Certain people are healing to “be around” because they are authentic- you are one of them. It takes courage and honesty, so bravo.

          Plus I think your reflections are intellectually stimulating. And your writing style is so engaging.

          I think you are very bright, and have a ton of mental energy, so I think you can achieve just about any writing goal you set for yourself.

          All this to say I just want to encourage and challenge you to go for it and make writing your profession.

          It’s not too late for you, and I have little doubt you will be successful.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I cannot thank you enough for writing this post. This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I used to be completely emotionally numb too. It was a mess allowing myself to feel again at first, all my emotions just poured out all the time in these extreme intensities and it was really tough for me to just stay calm. Anyway, I’ve made a lot of progress since then, but recently I’ve hit an impasse in my journey of self discovery. You just gave me faith that I’ll find my way out of this and I simply cannot express my gratitude enough. To quantify it, I guess I’d say this post is worth more to me than diamonds. Thank you so so much for writing this.

    Liked by 1 person

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