Sometimes I yell at God.

angry_at_god

I talk to God a lot in my car, driving to and from work.  Sometimes I talk to him at other times too, like when I’m in the shower or cleaning a house.   Lately I’ve been getting in the habit of talking to him first thing upon awakening, even before my morning coffee.  I think this is progress.

I guess you could say what I do is basically prayer, only it seems friendlier to to me think of “prayer” as having a conversation, and that’s what God and I seem to be doing.  Even when it seems to be just a one sided conversation, with me doing all the talking (which it usually is), I just know that God is listening.   And God does provide answers–maybe not right away, and maybe in ways I don’t expect, but my prayers do get acknowledged.

All relationships have their ups and downs, and my relationship with God is no exception.   Sometimes I’m filled with gratitude and have nothing but praise for my Heavenly Therapist; but there are times when I’m mad at him.  I mean, really furious-mad–spitting foam out the corners of your mouth enraged.   When I get that mad, I yell.  I know God can take it.  Humans are more fragile; you can’t just go around screaming in their faces.  Some people do that, but you might get beaten up for doing it.   I know God won’t beat me up if I yell at him, and he won’t send me to hell either.

I used to be afraid to get angry at God.   But I’ve come to know God well enough to know he’s not going to judge me for stating my opinions or even blaming him for the things that have made my life so ridiculously difficult.   Like any loving father, God loves his children unconditionally, no matter how badly we behave.  God knows what’s in our hearts, and yelling at God at least acknowledges I know he’s present and listening.   And so, yelling at God becomes a form of prayer.

I screamed at God again this morning in the car.  I woke up feeling triggered again by issues that were brought to the surface of my consciousness by my dad’s death almost a month ago (has it actually been that long?)   I was feeling sorry for myself, bitter, enraged, sad, guilty, and regretful all at the same time.   But the primary emotion I’ve been feeling is anger (which I know is a flimsy cover for the hurt and pain that lies beneath that).    I wanted to get it off my chest and needed someone to blame, so I blamed God.

screaming_car

“Why did you let an emotionally fragile person like me be born to callous, hardened narcs?”  I screamed at the top of my lungs, making the driver in the next lane stare at me curiously (my windows were rolled down).  “It’s not f__king fair!,” I bellowed, not giving a damn that I dropped the F bomb in the presence of the Almighty.  He was going to hear it from me!

“You are Almighty,” I continued, “you have all the power. You could have made things different, but YOU CHOSE NOT TO!  WHY?  You could have let me be born to people who knew how to love me and wouldn’t abandon me and turn against me later.  Who would have helped me build healthy self esteem, who would always be there for me no matter what.   You could have stopped me from marrying a sociopath narcissist who tried to obliterate me  and almost turned my kids against me too!  You could have let me develop enough confidence to be successful at something in this world and take a few risks instead of being a little pussy too afraid to come out of my box.   But, NOOOOOOO,” I screamed sarcastically like the late John Belushi.  “You let me suffer instead!  You let everyone keep victimizing me even though YOU COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING ABOUT IT!  WHY? WHY? For the love of God (yeah, that’s you–OWN IT!), WHY??? (this said banging my fists on the dashboard after each “WHY?”). Why do you keep letting me struggle to survive, live paycheck to paycheck, even though I work and work and work and work until I feel like I’m going to die?  And then get looked down on by my own family for not being as successful as them!  Why does everyone else get all the breaks in life and I never do?  I don’t have ANY advantages, NONE!  I don’t have financial security, own my own home, I don’t have a supportive family, I don’t have a large circle of friends to stand in for family because I lack the confidence to reach out to anyone!  I have no self confidence, I have no husband or lover, I’m all ALONE in the world, ALONE!  DO YOU HEAR ME? Dammit.  I can’t get close to ANYONE!   And I’m SICK of it!  You let people who do NOTHING throughout their whole lives, who had everything come easy to them, who haven’t suffered more than a chipped fingernail, people  who never lift a finger for anyone else, EVER, who ABUSE others, then they get rewarded even more than they already are? WHY? WHY? WHY?  HOW IS THAT FAIR?  I DEMAND an answer.  Dammit, I am MAD.  What did I do to deserve this, God?  WHAT? Nothing, that’s what!  Sometimes I think you hate me!  Sometimes I wonder why you let me even be born–it would have been better if I was aborted because the pain would only be for a minute or maybe not at all and not for a whole f__king lifetime!  WHY, GOD, WHY? I DEMAND ANSWERS!”

After one of these rants, I’ll feel a bit better–exhausted and a little out of breath, but kind of relieved and relaxed too.    Sheepishly, I’ll apologize for my outburst, and ask God to forgive me.

What I imagine then is a bemused smile on God’s face, for he is all forgiving and doesn’t hold grudges.   I think he’s glad I turn to him in my moments of need, angry or not.  He isn’t going to judge me by my moods or emotions.   Ever so gently and quietly, he reminds me that adversity breeds wisdom and God has given me a difficult path because he has something planned for me that requires that particular kind of training–not because he hates my guts and wants me to suffer.   Finally, in his patient and gentle way, he’ll remind me of all the things I do have to be grateful for right now, that my life is really much more blessed than it seemed 5 minutes ago when I was ranting like a banshee from hell.

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About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
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17 Responses to Sometimes I yell at God.

  1. You know friend, I know that God is loving and merciful and he’s awesome!
    And you know what God can hear you even when you are silent, when you cannot speak, so ranting to him, well you can do that but its of no use.
    I mean I’m not rebuking you friend, I’m just suggesting that if something can be achievable by a gentle way then why use a tough way to do it?
    You know I found something, that when you are quite upset pray the Our Father Prayer, it actually has everything that one can pray about, praise, intersession, petition, forgiveness, commitment, surrender, acknowledgement, promise & the assurance that God will protect you in every single battle of yours against your enemies.
    God Bless you friend. Hallelujah
    Amen

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      The Lord’s Prayer is wonderful and of course it does have everything in it, but I like to use my own words when I pray. I know it doesn’t matter if you speak out loud, yell, or just pray silenty–God hears it all–but I get more of a sense that I really prayed if I do it out loud (this doesn’t mean always yelling). As for the yelling, it helps me because it relieves stress. I think God understands that. But thank you for the suggestion, and I have used that prayer a lot too.

      Liked by 1 person

      • God Bless you friend. May you be comfortable in any way you pray always for then only you will pray with whole faith and with a whole heart. And when we pray with whole heart with full faith. It’s bound to be answered. If its Gods will. Amen. Hallelujah.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. avaswan says:

    In your life struggles God has formed you into a more loving caring person of much wisdom and depth to help people like me and many who come to your blog to heal and grow. I can tell that money, fame, &power don’t impress our Lord. It is the one with a big heart and cares about others who will have treasures in Heaven.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Susan says:

    Moses talked back at God,Abraham did. Job did a lot! Jonah did!
    Moses said “what did I do to deserve this? just kill me now.”
    Abraham “argued” with God.. and even changed God’s mind. well lessened a judgement issued,not changed His mind..
    Job we all know.. was besides himself.. asking the Lord to just leave him alone long enough to even swallow his spit.. He protested being antagonized.. and complained about injustice
    Jonah ignored God and ran away from God and talked back to Him..
    I do all this too,its human. and we need to do it to heal and know who God is.
    the character and purpose of God we seek out. we need to know
    some BLINDLY accept Gods rules and worse yet ENFORCE His rules on others and ends up hurting countless people. due to blindly accepting and following them
    where people like us ask why? who what when where,us or them..? let ,me know
    its more sincere and God seeks such and uses such..
    a slave task master himself also follows orders to whip a slave…
    “woe to you if I/house master/ come back to find you beating your slaves and getting drunk”
    there is judgement done in love and ones done as a “stand in ” for God and God is not happy with.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Susan says:

    Jacob wrestled with the angel of the Lord til morn.. refusing to let him go until he blessed him
    that’s one of the Bible stories that intrigues me..
    maybe I am doing that it feels..definitely quite a fight to get blessed….a demand he gave to a seemingly unwilling angel..wrestling til morn!
    “Jacob prevailed” over the Angel of the Lord”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Luckyotter, I feel you! My Narcissist regularly used God against me, and since I wasnt raised in a particularly religious home I didnt have a strong connection with God on my own. For a very long time I felt like God love the Narcissist and didn’t love me, and I was angry about it quite often. My relationship with God is on the mend these days… but every now and then I still ask what the heck he was thinking for bringing the Narcissist into my life!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I don’t know why God “blesses” so many sensitive people with the narcs. I have a few theories though–one being that he is trying to chisel us into doing a special task. The Narc is the chisel. The special task could be anything–but for me seems to be helping others who have suffered abuse. I don’t think I would be as deep or as close to God as I am today were it not for the narcs. That being said, I’m mad as hell that I have spent almost all my life suffering because of them and not treated the same as others because they kept me from being able to access those things normal people have.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. nikitalondon says:

    Amazing Lauren. That you could get it all out. God is listening to you. Ask with #faith and believe that good will come.
    Bless you 💝💞

    Liked by 1 person

  7. lynettedavis says:

    You raised the exact same WHY questions that I raised. It doesn’t seem fair. It’s because of these questions that Romans 8:28–all things work for the good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose, is one of my favorite Bible verses. Thank you for sharing this transparent post because we all go there, way more often than we’d like to admit.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. lynettedavis says:

    It’s because of your unique experience that you share this blog that touches the lives of thousands of people. Keep your head up.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Your rant reminded me of some of the Psalms where David said essentially the same thing to God: Why do the wicked prosper? I think it’s something many of us have asked God at many times in our lives. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. hbsuefred says:

    Nice summation. I was going to add more specific comments but now they just seem superfluous.

    Like

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