Distraught, depressed, and confused.

In spite of the hopeful, positive dream I had early this morning where I seemed to discover my own power over my inner demons, I actually have been feeling very bad.   For the past week or two, I’ve been much more stressed than usual, more depressed, more nervous, more negative, quicker to anger, less mindful, and generally just feeling a lot more triggered by small things.   I feel like I’m on the verge of tears a lot too, even though I can’t actually cry. People at work have noticed too, and I got asked a couple of times this week if I was “alright.”   I hate the fact that people can tell and I’m so bad at hiding the way I feel (it pisses me off–but am I pissed at them for noticing or am I pissed at myself for being unable to maintain a false front of good cheer?  I don’t know).   People have always thought I was a little “off.”  But they are right.   I am not “alright.”

The only explanation that makes sense is that because I’ve been looking more closely at my early life, and at my family’s behavior toward me, it’s triggering a lot of unpleasant feelings and making me feel dangerously vulnerable and also angry at the same time.   All this negative emotion could mean I already dived into the void and if so, then that’s a huge step toward healing (which the dream seemed to be about).    I don’t know.  I always email my therapist what I want to talk about and have him print a copy so I can remember (I like doing things that way), but I think I might have to talk about this instead.   Thank God I see him tonight.   I’m going to ask if I can see him twice a week while I’m going through whatever emotional crisis  I’m in right now.   I’m just feeling really…bad right now.  Is it normal to feel better at the beginning of therapy and then start feeling a lot worse later on?   I know we’re starting to dig up things I wanted to leave buried before.   Maybe its sort of like giving birth–and these are emotional “labor pains.”  I don’t know.

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About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
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23 Responses to Distraught, depressed, and confused.

  1. Erica Herd says:

    Sorry you have the blues.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. S says:

    You will get through this. Think of it as growing pains. You are growing but at a difficult point right now, and good things are a little later on down the road. It can get worse before it gets better. You’re job is to get through the days and work with your therapist. I believe you need he/she now more than ever. Something big might be around the corner. So hold tight. And talking to us as well as giving us your guidance, it’s a little like having friends which we scapegoats seem to have trouble maintaining. I do know it mostly the narc mother interfering with our contacts. You can wind up pretty isolated. You know who else isolates people? My Pastor said Satan does.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Mysticalwriter says:

    Hi, I feel your pain, it is not easy to deal with these ugly feelings! I say to you take tiny baby steps, glad to read also that you will be seeing your therapist tonight. Just remember that you are a strong person & an important person to yourself first! Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lady Quixote/Linda Lee says:

    I hope you feel a lot better soon. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. katiesdream2004 says:

    I’m sorry to hear of your sadness I know the weight of sorrow can be heavy and made worse in that it feels like such a solitary thing. Sometimes I think these distress calls of our soul are asking us for attention. To do healing things for ourselves, a dose of beauty, or attention to a splinter that someone left that needs to be pulled out. I’m becoming aware over time that random sorrow isn’t random that sometimes it is an anniversary of deep loss I forgot about. Facebook can be a place where I see a former boss getting all sorts of recognition when I know she walked all over people and I get sad and hopeless for awhile.
    Or I see my sister like something of one of my adult children said on Facebook knowing her unapologetic abuse throughout my life and it rankles me. I’ve blocked her because I don’t want to see the lies and hypocrisy, but then unblock her because I want to know what she is saying to my hildren

    Because I can slide into a place so dark that it is dangerous for me I have a few self care things that help when I see the descent begin. It is good to note those in your life, they are different for all of us. Paths with trees, far away from people are soothing as is sleep. My growing exhaustion and shortness with people (mostly in traffic or the grocery store) is showing me something in my heart is crying out for healing, I need to ask my own heart what I need to hear and what I need to do about it. Lately, I’m sleeping a lot, and maybe that is good. It is part of healing too.

    Be kind to yourself–you’ve endured enough unkindness from a world you are trying to make a better place

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Thanks so much, your words mean a lot. I know what you mean about Facebook, and that’s why I try to stay away from it. I think for those of us who feel like everyone else gets all the breaks and we’ve been cheated, looking at other people’s profiles, with their happy families, social lives, vacations, new homes, etc. (even though a lot of the “happiness” and “perfection” is probably fake) can instill envy and sadness.
      I have no trouble sleeping! It’s one of the things I do best, especially when I’m depressed.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. ibikenyc says:

    I realize this is way easier said than done, but I try to think of it as teething.

    Hope you connect with the payoff real soon!

    Liked by 2 people

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