In spite of the hopeful, positive dream I had early this morning where I seemed to discover my own power over my inner demons, I actually have been feeling very bad. For the past week or two, I’ve been much more stressed than usual, more depressed, more nervous, more negative, quicker to anger, less mindful, and generally just feeling a lot more triggered by small things. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears a lot too, even though I can’t actually cry. People at work have noticed too, and I got asked a couple of times this week if I was “alright.” I hate the fact that people can tell and I’m so bad at hiding the way I feel (it pisses me off–but am I pissed at them for noticing or am I pissed at myself for being unable to maintain a false front of good cheer? I don’t know). People have always thought I was a little “off.” But they are right. I am not “alright.”
The only explanation that makes sense is that because I’ve been looking more closely at my early life, and at my family’s behavior toward me, it’s triggering a lot of unpleasant feelings and making me feel dangerously vulnerable and also angry at the same time. All this negative emotion could mean I already dived into the void and if so, then that’s a huge step toward healing (which the dream seemed to be about). I don’t know. I always email my therapist what I want to talk about and have him print a copy so I can remember (I like doing things that way), but I think I might have to talk about this instead. Thank God I see him tonight. I’m going to ask if I can see him twice a week while I’m going through whatever emotional crisis I’m in right now. I’m just feeling really…bad right now. Is it normal to feel better at the beginning of therapy and then start feeling a lot worse later on? I know we’re starting to dig up things I wanted to leave buried before. Maybe its sort of like giving birth–and these are emotional “labor pains.” I don’t know.