Spiritual crisis.

sun-breaking-through-dark-clouds

I’ve always hesitated about getting too religious on this blog, since people of many different faiths (or none at all) come here and I don’t want to alienate non-Christians or atheists. But there’s no possible way to write what I’m about to write without at least acknowledging the presence of God (good) and Satan (evil). I will be referencing God because He plays such an important part in what happened to me this morning, but prefer to use the term “evil” or “forces of darkness” rather than Satan or the Devil. It’s all the same thing.

This morning I had a wake up call from God. Like so many other times when God knocks me upside the head with the truth, it hurt–a lot! But ultimately, it proved to me He hasn’t given up on me yet and has shown me the way to get out of the spiritual mess I’ve gotten myself into. But when He’s not pleased, He definitely lets you know. It’s my own choice what I do with this information.

As many of you know, I’ve been struggling with depression, lack of motivation, and strange dissociative episodes, where I often feel as if I’m out of my body. My “muse” seemed to have gone AWOL without any warning. I couldn’t figure it out, and thought I was having some kind of mental breakdown or a relapse into the numb depression I was in before I started to blog.

I didn’t realize until this morning that what was happening had little to do with my mind but a lot to do with my soul. Now when I look back at everything, I can’t understand how I didn’t see it, but Evil has a way of sneaking around and convincing you it’s Good when it’s the worst thing imaginable. Evil wants your soul and will do anything it can to get it, even convince you that bad is good and good is bad, and have you questioning your faith, if you have one.

I felt like God was very far away. I prayed, but half-heartedly, and no answers were coming. It was frustrating. Had God played a trick on me, or maybe didn’t even exist? Or maybe God just didn’t like me very much.

For weeks, maybe several months, my efforts at writing new blog posts felt forced. I felt that I was losing interest in narcissism and would have to take this blog in another direction. At the same time (and this is VERY insidious!) I found myself reading a lot about dark subjects, just because I felt drawn to them somehow. Yes, I admit it: while I want to be a good person and walk on the side of what’s good and right, there’s always been a part of me that’s attracted to darkness, even though at the same time I feel repelled by it. In fact, it’s much the same kind of “attraction” I’ve always had to narcissistic men–both attracted and repelled at the same time. I know it’s bad, and know it’s bad for ME, but rationalize to myself why it isn’t that dark or why it’s okay for me to be drawn closer to it. I thought I could delve into dark subjects as a sort of “spectator,” without getting really involved. I rationalized to myself that I wasn’t offending God because I wasn’t actually engaging in these activities. The power of the demonic is in its insidiousness. The way it sneaks up on you.

false-prophet
Evil can masquerade as “good.” Be careful.

Last week I posted an article (which I removed this morning due to its content) about the use of psychedelic drugs as therapy for Cluster B disorders and PTSD. The article was at best irresponsible and misleading, and at worst potentially destructive, even…evil. But at the time I wrote it, I had somehow convinced myself it was okay as long as I prefaced it with a “disclaimer.” It never occurred to me that although I never would take such drugs myself, even as therapy (for the record, I don’t do any drugs and rarely even drink), that someone else might be convinced to do so, and find themselves in the midst of something they would not be able to handle or even in the ER! They could also find their souls in jeopardy.

That might sound dramatic but let me explain. In spite of my unhealthy obsession with dark things, I’ve shied away from anything involving the occult ever since my bad experience using a Ouija board at age 17. The occult scares me because I believe it’s possible to attract dark forces or spirits when engaged in it. Psychedelic drugs scare me too, but I find their effects (including their effects on me in the past, which were always negative) strangely fascinating. But when you take a psychedelic drug, you’re altering your consciousness and this often involves something called “ego death.” When ego death happens, people tend to dissociate quite badly. At high doses–or on strong psychoactive drugs–you lose your sense of yourself and forget who you are, where you are, or even that you’re human. At the same time your cognition remains intact. It’s at this point that many people either freak out and have a bad experience–or enjoy the experience and begin to think of themselves as “like gods” since they feel like disembodied pure consciousness and “see” things that are unbelievable in the context of the material world.

Several things can happen, and none of them are good. You can have a psychotic break and never “return,” you can “come back” believing the lies you’ve been told (that you’re “like a God” and can do anything God can do), or an outside entity (most likely, a bad one) can enter your body when you’re in this vulnerable state. I do realize some people claim to have had enlightening and even humbling experiences, and that may be the case for a few, but I think it’s the exception rather than the rule, and even then, you may have been deceived by dark forces. Some say that because psychoactive plants grown in nature and God created these plants, that they must have been put there by God for humans to use to achieve enlightenment. That may be the case but I doubt God wants us all tripping to know Him. They may have been given to us as medicine, meant to be dispensed by a doctor. We can’t know why they exist, but I have no business encouraging anyone to use them recreationally or as a method of self-therapy. There are too many risks and too many negative outcomes. It’s opening a Pandora’s box to the unknown. Just because you’re curious about what’s in that box doesn’t mean it should be opened. Personally I think psychedelic drugs are a form of sorcery (and I even said so in the article this post is about), and sorcery isn’t anything I want to get involved with.

I can’t help but think of Adam and Eve and the Tree of Knowledge, which may have been a psychoactive plant of some sort. Look what happened to them (and all humanity) after they ate from it! God specifically told them not to eat the fruit but they did anyway. We can’t know why it was put there if they were not to partake, but He must have had his reasons. They listened to the serpent instead who told them it was perfectly okay and not to listen to God. They fell for it and their disobedience led to the Fall. No, I do not believe this was a literal account of creation (I think it’s allegorical) but the message there is still very clear: there are some things God does NOT want us to do, and it’s not for us to question His reasoning. It could be that the answer would be too overwhelming for us to handle.

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It fills me with shame now to think that in posting that article last week, I was doing the same thing the serpent was doing in the Garden. Even with all the disclaimers and admission that I’d be too afraid to undertake any psychotherapy using psychedelic drugs, that article was still incredibly irresponsible to say the least. I can’t believe I even wrote such a thing, never mind actually posting it! But the dark forces can be very convincing and even hypnotic (much like a drug–or the serpent) and while engaged in activities that are more pleasing to those forces than to goodness (or godliness), you literally can’t see what you’re doing or why it’s a bad thing. Evil literally becomes “good” and that’s the lie the dark forces wants us to believe.

I now know why I’ve been feeling so depressed and dissociated. My soul was being pulled between good and evil. Being pulled in two opposite directions, I couldn’t “move,” hence the lack of motivation and dearth of new ideas. It also explains the strange out of body experiences and inexplicable sense of foreboding and panic attacks. These are all symptoms of soul sickness. Someone on another blog has said I seem very confused, and it’s true. I am very confused and have been for some time. The dark forces use confusion to disorient us and make us more vulnerable to their attempts to win our souls to their side.

I want to do what’s right; I want to please God, but at the same time I do find dark things alluring and seductive. All my life I’ve been surrounded by evil, and stayed with a very evil man far longer than I should have. I finally escaped, and found God, but the dark forces still want to get their hooks in me and this was their attempt to do so. I’m not strong enough to resist those forces without God, especially taking my background into consideration. If I deliberately dabble in things (and this includes even reading excessively about them) I’m leaving myself wide open to go down a very negative spiritual path.

This morning I saw a comment about this blog on someone else’s blog. The comments were not positive. The drug article was called out as being “evil.” I never thought of it that way, because the last thing I want to be is evil, but I immediately realized this person was right. I don’t want to post things that could be seen that way or could harm someone’s body, mind or soul. But that article WAS very dangerous and suddenly it was like my eyes were opened. I almost felt as if I’d just woken up and seen things as they really were. I saw myself in the mirror and the reflection wasn’t pretty.

My first reaction was extreme. I felt such overpowering shame (similar to what Adam and Eve must have felt in the Garden when they covered their bodies) that for a moment I was VERY tempted to just take down this whole blog and disappear. But suddenly I felt God’s presence and another thought entered my mind–Repent. Retract the article (as well as others that have been seen or may be seen as irresponsible or damaging to ACONs or disordered people, or ANYONE for that matter) and publicly apologize. I knew that God was giving me another solution because He knows that blogging has brought me to Him and didn’t want me to destroy the gift He’d given me to heal myself. To take down this blog and disappear would be the coward’s way out. It’s the way I have handled so many other things in my life when I handled things badly or hurt someone unintentionally. But God doesn’t want us to be cowards. He wants us to take responsibility for our mistakes, to own up to them, even when it’s embarrassing.
I was wrong. There’s no other way to justify what I did.

Many people might think doing such a thing a public retraction and apology would bring more shame than just disappearing. But ironically, I felt relief and gratitude. Gratitude that God had NOT turned his back on me (as I’d feared) and still has a plan for me. A year ago he was working on my mind; now He’s working on my soul, and the lessons you learn are so much harder. God is endlessly patient with us. He knows we’re human and will mess up sometimes. I messed up big time. I asked for forgiveness but I knew that the feeling of relief and gratitude meant He’d already forgiven me, as long as I never do such a thing ever again.

And God does perform miracles too. Several small (or not so small) miracles happened following my eyes being opened this morning. I could have felt hurt by the negative comments on that other blog, but somehow I didn’t–because I knew that person was right. I didn’t feel depressed today, and I felt inspired to write this article. I realized how much I WANTED to write it. I couldn’t wait to get home to write it. I haven’t felt this excited to write any blog post in months! I just knew that it was what God wanted me to do, and God always knows what we need even when we don’t.

When I got home earlier, there was one other little miracle waiting for me. This:

succulent_flower

A single bright pink flower on a succulent plant in my kitchen that has NEVER bloomed in the three years I’ve had it. I never noticed it until I got home, and suddenly there it was! I felt God’s presence and knew this was Him letting me know I’d made the right choice and was pleased. So I uttered two words: “Thank you.”

I know there will be many more spiritual crises ahead of me. I’m far from perfect and never will be. But I know if I stay close to God and stray less than I have over to the allure of darkness, I may have fewer of them and find I’m a whole lot happier in general.

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13 thoughts on “Spiritual crisis.

  1. I have not had a chance to read your entire blog you just posted but after reading the first paragraph, I was filled with joy for you. God definitely spoke to you!! It’s a war of darkness and the war is about our souls. The enemy comes through our minds. The ones born from The Light are the most attacked and so why we experience depression.

    Great work reconnecting w God in Spirit !! He’s got you ! We doubt when we enter into darkness, but there is a way out and a way of enduring in our weariness because of Him.

    Proud of you !!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi Lucky. Sorry that it’s been a while since I commented. I’ve been reading faithfully but this post caught my attention. I am not here to invalidate your experience but want to offer an alternative explanation for you to consider.

    When you started this blog you were recovering from a long-term relationship (marriage) with a malignant narcissist. I am so in awe that you took all that confusion and pain and created a purpose out of it. You created this blog and, in the process, not only found a voice but have probably helped hundreds (or maybe thousands) of people who have suffered from narcissistic abuse. I know I am one of them. Thank you.

    Then you “came out” as a covert narcissist which I had trouble accepting. Admittedly, I don’t know you but your interactions with myself and others have seemed nothing but respectful, kind, and emotionally honest. Those are not stereotypical narcissistic traits, as you know. It’s possible you may have some borderline traits, as you suggested before which often has some narcissistic elements. Regardless of your “label” my personal opinion (for what it is worth) is this:

    You got to a place in your recovery where you wanted to do more than just talk about narcissism. The trouble is that you’ve gained a large amount of support in writing about this topic and it gave you a sense of purpose. You said in other posts that you suffer from SAD. It’s not yet super cold where you live but the days are getting shorter which may be triggering your SAD. With the combo of all these factors it makes total sense that you would be experiencing depressive symptoms.

    I’m a bit worried about you and your concept that evil is lurking out for you and influencig you. The last thing you need right now is to not trust yourself. Your ex beat your self-confidence into the ground.

    About your other post: it takes a lot of courage and maturity to admit when you are wrong. I think that’s great. Regarding the combo of drugs and spirituality you might be interested in checking out Madonna’s new song “Devil Pray.” She sings about how people try to do drugs to get to a higher power but how it’s a bad idea and won’t work. A lot of people consider her music sacreligious so if you don’t listen to it I’ll understand.

    Take care of yourself. I am so glad you are feeling better. ((HUGS))

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi, Quixie–
      I have missed you too. I’m glad you commented. I see what you’re saying and yes, SAD does have something to do with the depression too. I HATE thus time of year! 😦 But it’s weird how I suddenly felt so much better after reading negative comments of all things–but realized they were right, and the realization they were right overrode any hurt or anger I might have felt at the negative remarks. Yes, my ex did a lot to damage/destroy my self esteem, as did my parents. I did reach a place where I felt like I had nothing more to say about narcissism (or nothing new to add anyway) and was floundering around for things to write about. Some of those things were questionable to say the least. Others not so much. But I have been confused for awhile and that’s been adding to the depression. It’s funny how I felt almost normal today, and even grateful that person called me out. Sometimes I need to be shown or told when I’m wrong because I don’t always see it myself.
      I’m not beating myself up really–I did what I need to do and now I’m moving on. Taking down the blog would have been something I would have done before reaching the place I am at now. I would NEVER have been able to own up to that or take responsibility for it. Overall I’m mentally and even emotionally much more healthy than I was, but spiritually I still have a ways to go. Mentally and emotionally too, but there’s definitely improvement.
      I haven’t heard that Madonna song yet but will give it a listen. I always enjoyed her music.
      I hope you are doing well.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Well, kisses to you 😚 I appreciate your response and to know how you are doing. I am doing OK (at the moment). I had set my quixotic faith blog private but started a new (public) one: Quixie’s Mind Palace. I am excited to start afresh.

        I am going to get to bed but I hope you have a great Halloween tomorrow. 🎃Take care.

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  3. WOW! Where to begin. First, I am happy that you are over your depression, however, you had to do it.
    I disagree with almost everything you wrote in the above, blog. I guess you must think I am on the highway to hell. I’m saddened that you took that blog down. Have you ever heard of Jung? Of course, you have. Jung urges people to embrace their “shadow,” the part of their consciousness or unconscious that they consider “evil.” Your blog led me to think deeply about my own beliefs. I realize now that I don’t really believe in “evil.” I believe that everything is ultimately good. Some paths are twisty and dark but, as Blake said, “All roads lead to heaven.”
    I had an intense period in which I took psychedelic drugs religiously. I estimate I must have tripped 100 times. During that time, I “realized” that nothing “mattered.” But it did matter to me and I was in a quandary. At that point, I found out about Guru Maharaj Ji, otherwise known as “that fat 14-year-old.” I received the Knowledge and my life changed. I became more sexual and my trips (which, by the way, he disapproved of) got a lot deeper. I had one in which I experienced complete ego death. It was probably the most beautiful experience of my life. I didn’t stay a disciple of Maharaj Ji. I got what I needed from him and moved on. Funny that I had just written a blog called “My High-Maintenance Ego.” How can I be moving in such opposite directions? But it doesn’t bother me that I am. I have never questioned my path. I have always known what the next step was and taken it. I feel sorry for people who are so distrustful of their inner voice and think they are being led by “evil” spirits.
    I am saddened that you seem to be avoiding my blog. I guess I understand it though. I represent “evil” to you.

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  4. Don’t be too hard on yourself. FWIW, I found the article you are referencing interesting, but I wasn’t about to run out and immediately to have a DMT experience based on your post. No sensible person is going to act on a single blog post.

    I find reading your posts interesting and helpful. Since realizing that I have strong narcissistic traits or possibly even NPD, I’ve been trying to consider my next move, particularly therapy or no therapy. I don’t think I qualify as having the disorder because, I am not totally oblivious to other people’s needs and wants, and I do concede that sometimes I am wrong and apologized although being honest even then there is a strategic aspect in apologizing to make myself look better. I took the NPI and scored near the absolute highest for vanity and entitlement but not nearly as high for exploitativeness.

    There are pros and cons to therapy. First, it will be expensive for a highly uncertain outcome, it seems like treating narcissism has a low success rate. Second, it does seem like there are dangers involved. The false self evolved… Was created as a psychological defense mechanism. Yes, it is dysfunctional in some ways, but from what I’ve read it seems like the possibility of being in even worse psychological state is possible.

    Anyhow, I hope you will continue to write.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s a very difficult disorder to cure and has a low success rate, but few narcissists are self aware enough to want to be cured. I think if the desire is there, and they aren’t too high on the spectrum there’s a chance. I think it’s much harder the higher on the spectrum you are. I probably wouldn’t qualify as having NPD either. I’m self diagnosed. In fact I score really low on classic NPD tests but pretty high on tests for covert narcissism, which in many ways resembles or is almost the same as avoidant personality disorder.
      I agree the false self is a form of damage control and survival. It doesn’t mean it’s a good thing though.
      I will continue to write and thanks for sharing your thoughts!

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  5. What you said in this post is exactly right in my opinion. I feel it all the way to the marrow of my bones.

    I read the drug tripping post you are talking about, last night. I didn’t like it. I felt wrong for even reading it. I did not comment on it because I didn’t know what to say. But what you wrote here is making me smile from the inside out.

    For many years I was staunchly agnostic, almost an atheist. I did not believe in the existence of God and I did not believe in the existence of evil. But today I am a Christian because the overwhelming preponderance of the evidence in my life compels me to believe.

    I have experienced the presence of absolute evil. I can no longer doubt its existence even if I want to. I have also experienced the reality of absolute, perfect, holy love and righteousness. That wonderful presence was more real to me than anything I have ever experienced.

    Life is an incredible mystery, far too complex for a mere mortal to fully comprehend. God does not fit in any man-made religious box that I have ever found.

    In this world, there definitely exists light and darkness, life and deaths hate and love. There are forces that build up and there are forces that tear down. It is very easy for us to let down our guard and start going down a path that ultimately leads to death and destruction. But when we seek God, we shall find Him when we seek Him with our whole heart.

    I know this is true because I have experienced this first hand.

    “Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life.” ~Proverbs 4:23 Amplified Bible, Classic Edition

    Liked by 2 people

      • You are welcome.

        By the way, I had a much better day today. I lay in bed and prayed for a long time, maybe for an hour, basically just seeking God’s will in my life, whatever that may be. Then I got up and I had the energy to vacuum my whole house! Yay! Now my old great-grandma body is tired and achy. But I am happy. 🙂

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  6. You know it’s a good blog when people of so many varying opinions feel free to comment openly.

    I’m glad you’re listening to your own personal conscience. Listening to mine has saved my sorry ass many times. What’s healthy for one person may be devastating for another. No one should judge another for their own needs, or limitations.

    I try never to call others opinions or ideas evil, because we’re all on different journeys.

    One thing I know for sure, inner voices don’t throw heavy objects across a room directed at your head in front of many witnesses. They don’t expose themselves so openly to most , but I’ll never be shy about my spiritual abuse. I was so blessed to have attacks in front of friends. I usually lost those friends eventually since they couldn’t relax around me after the fact , but it saves me from thinking every supernatural sufferer is psychotic or bad.

    What I have to do to stay safe is different than most others. Lots of people shop at antique shops , estate sales and don’t have any scary results. Good for them. I’m happy for them. If they question my reality it makes me grateful for them that can be so safeguarded from ugly truths in the universe.

    Same for you. You be you. Write your own truth and follow your own path, and bless all the peeps on separate ones. 👫👪👬👭

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