Depressed.

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my_head

My daughter moved out last night with her current boyfriend. This was of course the plan, but I’m really in the dumps today because we fought last night. It ended with me telling her to pack up and get out last night, which she did. For a couple of months she has been sleeping on the couch (my roommate–yes, she’s still here but has been a bit better–has the other bedroom) and just got a job last month. She had paid nothing toward the rent because she was saving to move out. I had told her this was okay.

We are usually best friends but because we also both have diagnosed BPD, things can get heated between us sometimes. There can be drama. I hate drama. There was plenty of it last night though. Two things happened that made us fight.

1. When I was in the shower, she stole $10 from my purse. I wasn’t so much upset because this was all the money I had until Friday (which is bad enough–go ahead and try to make $10 last three days), but because I’d started to believe I could trust her again. (She used to steal from me a lot). I confronted her about it and she admitted she took it but called it “borrowing.” This led to a fight, because what she did was STEAL, not BORROW. I told her she didn’t seem that remorseful and that worried me. Later on she did admit she was wrong and admitted it was stealing, but that didn’t happen until several hours later, after she was gone, and it didn’t help my mood at all.

2. My father called her and asked if she had received a gift card and birthday check (her birthday was last week) because he hadn’t heard anything. She never did receive anything in the mail. Now she believes I took it when I got the mail (apparently the check was made out to me) and cashed it and used the gift card without letting her know. I don’t collect the mail (my roommate does, which makes me wonder if SHE took it). I have never stolen from my daughter and never even entertained the thought, but due to the circumstances I could actually understand why she would think along these lines. I’m also afraid my father will believe her over me, if she tells him she thinks I stole from her. I don’t know why I’m worried about this but I just am.

Even so, I was hurt that she would think I would steal from her. I told her I didn’t want to live with someone who not only stole from me, but would accuse me of stealing from them when I didn’t. I can’t convince her it might have been lost in the mail. She isn’t mad anymore but still believes I stole her money. There is nothing I can do to make her think otherwise.

It’s for the best she’s out. She is 22 and too old to be living with mom. I can’t help feeling a little sad though. I’ll miss her, even though I’ll be seeing her almost every day probably. I’m used to having her around.

I have more space now and can actually use the living room again, but because the fight happened late last night, I was so upset and wound up I didn’t sleep at all. I had to call in sick to work today (which always makes me feel guilty). It’s a pretty day and I may go outside for awhile and work in the garden or just sit on the porch and read. But right now I just want to lie on my bed and sleep the day away. I know that will only make things worse. I just want to cry right now.

ETA: I called my father and he said he never sent her anything (he doesn’t trust her and is sort of No Contact with her, so I thought it was odd he would even be sending her money). So she is lying to me though I can’t fathom why she would do that. I am going to confront her with this information and see what she has to say for herself. She doesn’t have NPD but is good at playing some of the Narc games that she learned from her father. BPD’s can be almost as manipulative sometimes.

28 thoughts on “Depressed.”

  3. Oh my, my mother and I too both have been diagnosed BPD, and we can get crazy. We are not best friend status, never have been, and sadly, most likely, never will be. It’s hard because I would love a relationship but when we are even in the same room things just get volatile. She is arriving Monday and spending three weeks with us as I’m having my second daughter on the first of May and she loves her grandbabies! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think it’s hard for 2 Borderlines to be friends, but somehow we have managed it because we both went through a lot of the same exact shit with her father, a malignant NPD. She also makes me laugh. We understand each other, but every once in a while she plays some NPD-like game and I just feel so disappointed in her when that happens. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I know its tough with kids. But yeah I agree with Michelle, this was the best you could do for today, and you have hope tomorrow will be better.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hey! I’m still around, and starting to pull myself out and up too! I kicked my son out at that age. It was a tough thing to do, but later he told me that it was the best thing that ever happened to him. Your daughter will forgive you, you will get your relationship back with her. Hopefully, she’ll learn something from this too!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Having some space between you and your daughter will potentially make things better? At her age, she does need life experience being on her own and having to make those “adult” decisions. So perhaps this will also make her appreciate your stance on many things. Take care!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes even non-disordered mother daughter relationships can be a challenge as the daughter grows into an adult. BPD/NPD definitely complicates things. Then there’s the grief too. It’s always hard to let go, no matter what.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. I found your post off the OM blog page.

    My mom and I went through a similar argument right before I moved out. As much as it hurts and as much as the circumstances are undesired, this will make you both stronger. I agree with your statement she is too old to be living at home. At 22, she should have a sense of responsibility – and stealing from your own mother is NOT it.

    I promise you that things will get better even though they seem rough right now. Allow her to grow and use this as a learning curve. The space will probably do both of you some good. (Being together all the time may be too much of a good thing?)

    I’m sure you are a wonderful parent and I’m sure that she loves you very much, as you do her. This is just a small rough patch that will get smoothed over and when you look back in a couple of years, it will seem like an ant hill.

    ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  9. So sorry, Hon. Wish I could give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on.

    I went through this with my son last May. He was 33 and had been living in our house rent free for 10 months, along with his fiancee, her teenage daughter, and their two cats. My husband is severely allergic to cat dander, but we allowed them to bring the cats anyway because we did not want them to have the heartbreak of having to give up their beloved pets. We invited them to live here and we told them we did not want any rent, because we wanted to help them get back on their feet financially. We also bought a lot of food for them during those 10 months, plus warm winter coats and gloves (they did not realize how cold the winters are in New Mexico so they weren’t prepared), and we also paid for an expensive emergency dental treatment for my son, plus we put gas in his car several times… and we did more that I don’t remember.

    Because our house is so small, only 2 bedrooms, my 300 pound husband, non-petite me, and our 80-pound dog lived suring those 10 months in our claustrophobic 24′ 5th wheel travel trailer that we keep in our back yard. Of course, that meant that we also had to buy a lot of expensive propane to heat the RV through the winter. Traveling in our RV is fun. Living in it full time is Not Fun. We were soon calling it our “incredible shrinking trailer.”

    Meanwhile, after my son and his fiancee moved into our house, they waited three months before even looking for a job. My son said they had to wait that long for their urine to clear up to pass drug testing. Three months?!? Then my son’s fiancee got a job at a 24-hour convenience store here in town — and she quit that job after only 4 days. She said she did not like how they treated her. My son finally got a part time job in a Hastings retail store for the holidays, but he quit after two months. He said he did not like how they were treating him. Then he waited another two months to look for another job — saying he was depressed!

    It all came to a head when my husband had a motorcycle accident in March of last year. After being in the hospital for 13 days on IV antibiotics — his doctor told me that for several days he had been afraid that my diabetic husband would lose his right leg — while my husband was in the hospital, my son and his fiancee did not visit my husband once, nor do they ask if they could help me with anything while my husband was gone. Then, about 2 weeks after my husband was released from the hospital, while he still had his broken right hand and arm in a cast and a visiting nurse was coming to our RV several times a week to tend his injured leg that my husband could barely walk on, my son got mad at something that my husband said, and he yelled at my husband and ran at him with his fists raised up in the air like he was going to hit him! (All my husband had done was tell him that no, they could not keep the two very large stray dogs in our house that his fiancee had picked up off the street earlier that day, and then, while he was at it, my husband asked my son to stop going behind his back to ask me for money, and also to please stop calling me every day to complain about his new part time job, because listening to my son complain about every little thing in life was giving me tension headaches. Then my son ran at my husband with his fists raised, while yelling “She’s my f*ckng mom and I can talk to her about anything I want to!”– and my injured, elderly husband just stood there and looked at my son and then he quietly said “And this is my f*cking house and you can get the hell out of it.”

    When my healthy young son ran at my 65-year-old disabled injured husband with his fists waving in the air, simply because he did not agree with what my husband had told him to do (and by the way, I did not agree with my husband, either, I believe it is up to ME to tell my son if I don’t want to listen to his whiney complaints and his requests for money — but you can disagree with someone without threatening to hit them!) — when my son did that, I told him that he had 3 days to pack up his things and move out of our house. I thought 3 days was more than fair, under the circumstances, especially since my son had recently told us that he had $3,000 saved, plus his biological father has more money than he knows what to do with and could, and would, easily help. But my son freaked out and called the cops to complain that we were throwing them out without a 30 day notice! Out of our home where he had never paid a penny! So my husband and I went to court and filed for protection from abuse, to get him out of our own house! (Meanwhile, my son’s fiancee, whom I had always gotten along with and had done a lot for, buying her and her daughter warm winter clothes, etc, sent me a long hateful email telling me that all my kindness to them was phony, that I did not REALLY care about them, and accusing me of being a fake Christian.)

    The judge ruled in our favor and then sheriff deputies came and supervised while they moved out of our house. They did a lot of damage to our house and to our furniture, too. Multiple thousands of dollars worth of damage.

    It is coming up on a year since that all happened and it still HURTS. I knew my son had emotional problems, but I did not know he was that bad. In court, he told the judge that his mom is a “F*cking B*.” …..Do you know what hurt me the most about that? The fact that my son is so ignorant, he actually thought that would help his case with the judge!!!

    Eeek, sorry I went on and on. This really REALLY hit a sore spot with me.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Man, I’m really sorry I went on so long. My comment should have been about you and your daughter, not me and my son. How narcissistic of me. 😦

      When I read at the end of your post that your daughter was lying about your dad saying that he had sent her money for her birthday, and then she falsley accused you of stealing the money she never got… which she never got because he did not in fact send any… that sounds, I hate to say it, but it sounds so N. Stealing, lying, and projecting all of that onto YOU, accusing YOU of stealing and lying, in order to take the heat off of herself… when she knew that her dad never sent her any money.

      How heartbreaking it is when we realize that our kids are all F-d up. And then we look in the mirror and wonder what we did, or failed to do, that caused it.

      Liked by 2 people

      • It does sound very N, doesn’t it? I still sometimes think she might be a narc, despite her BPD diagnosis. Sometimes I think maybe the psychiatrists got it wrong. But she does show empathy and can show remorse, and has. Just not all the time. It’s so confusing. I definitely thought this was very N behavior and is one of the reasons I’m so depressed. It seems like a huge step back. I confronted her with what I found out and she did admit she was wrong, but still.
        Raising kids is so hard, and her father really did f*ck with her head and I allowed it for so long because I had no idea what else to do.

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    • It’s okay, Alaina. I really wish I had the energy to say more. I’m sorry it hit a sore spot with you because of your son’s behavior. I’m sorry you had to go through that with him.
      Our kids can break our hearts, and when one of your kids might be N or at least somewhere on that spectrum, it’s a terrible feeling. I don’t know what else to say. It’s very depressing.

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      • I wish I could rewind today and do it all over again. Shortly after I left this too-long comment about the drama with my son, my daughter and I got into an argument long distance. Now I am so sad. I feel like a terrible mother. It feels almost unbearable when we have problems with our kids, doesn’t it, no matter how old they are.

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  11. I read your story and feel sorry for you. Though I can’t express my full feelings for my bad English. I’m a Bangladeshi, in our country, the relationship between parent and kida are not like same and it’s totally different! It’s very friendly and helping each other.

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