Keeping it all in perspective.


Tonight I needed to step away from blogging and take care of practical matters. If you’re a person prone to an active imagination or lives inside your head (like most Aspies), emotional and spiritual growth can be tricky because it is so extremely seductive for people like us, and far, FAR more rewarding and exciting than the physical world of chattering neurotypicals, abusive narcs, bills, jobs, traffic jams, annoying bosses, and people who walk four abreast and block your way in the aisles at Walmart.

We’re all at different stages in our journeys, and we move at different rates. Everyone’s experience is different, and God has a plan for every one of us. But God’s plan will be different for each person. You will not experience your awakening the same way I will, and what you are called by God to do will not be the same as mine.

I never felt close to God until about three months ago. For years I tried–I prayed for faith even–but always felt my prayers fell on deaf ears and that God, if he even existed, didn’t like me too much. I tried various religions over the years and none of them spoke to me.

My awakening wasn’t earth shattering, I didn’t have a Saul-to-Paul like sudden conversion. I didn’t see a burning bush. I wasn’t struck by lightning in the desert. I didn’t fall on my knees and sob in repentance. I didn’t see Jesus on a piece of toast.

I didn’t suddenly become cured of my Aspergers, PTSD, anxiety, avoidant personality, and (possible) BPD. I still struggle with these things every day, and will probably continue to do so for quite some time.

But being able to see beyond the everyday physical world was every bit as exciting as those dramatic conversions you see in the movies and TV. Mine happened over a period of weeks, but was no less emotionally intense. It might not have made good TV, but I was never trying to get on a reality show anyway.

Besides feeling alienated from God, I felt alienated from my abilities and talents. As someone who was emotionally numb for so many years, my creativity was in the toilet. After years of narc abuse, I didn’t think I could think for myself. I was sure I forgot how to write. In fact, I was quite sure I lost quite a few IQ points. I felt helpless and incompetent, one of life’s losers. I’d internalized my family’s opinion of me. I also thought I didn’t deserve these God-given gifts since I hadn’t really used them, so it only made sense he’d take them away.

All that being said, my awakening has been rapid. It’s a little dizzying and disorienting at times, but it’s never been scary. There are a lot of changes in me, and I can see this reflected in my writing since September. My early posts tended toward fluff and the merely informative or entertaining; even my entries that comprise “My Story” seem as if they were told by someone other than me; they give the details, but seem to be lacking much feeling. I was still in my PTSD state of emotional numbness. I felt disconnected from myself. All the colors in my world were washed out and grayish, like the colors in an old color photograph that’s been sitting in a musty attic or in the sun way too long.

My recent writing has been about deeper subjects and my style far more analytical. As my knowledge about narcissism and narcissistic abuse has grown, I’m exploring topics I never intended to on this blog–the metaphysical and supernatural, for one, especially how those things relate to narcissism, which I’ve come to realize is more a spiritual disorder than a mental one. And overall, I think my posts are a lot more positive. I complain less and when I do I can find the humor there now too, even if that means only laughing at myself. Because everything has its humorous side. It’s just a matter of perspective.

I’m seeing things and knowing things and not understanding how or why or what it all means. But it is. Things are revealed as they need to be. It’s okay and isn’t frightening, but can be a little disorienting. Sometimes I have my doubts about these things but that’s normal for those of us who have been trained to never trust our own judgment.

Because my creativity has taken a sudden upturn too, it’s too easy for me to confuse a creative vision or idea with spiritual truth. In fact, the two are related–creativy is very close to spirituality and each depends upon the other for its existence. Sometimes they’re one and the same. For me, blogging is a melding of creativity and complete emotional honesty.
But they’re not always the same. It’s important to step away to gain perspective on which is which, and when they not the same.

When I talk about my awakening sometimes I think I sound a bit insane. After years of being told by my narcs that I was always imagining things, always the crazy one, I learned not to trust my own judgment. Like most victims of narcissistic abuse, I didn’t know what was the truth and what was a lie. Because I couldn’t trust my narcs, I couldn’t trust even concrete evidence being waved in my face, and trusting any sort of intuition? Fuggeddaboutit.

With all this shiny new clarity, I often have doubts about my thoughts and feelings being real. I worry that people will think I’m some deluded woowoo. Sometimes I wonder about it too. I pray for the ability to distinguish truth from my own vivid imagination and/or wishful thinking. Like I said, I never could trust my own intuition because my narcs told me it was all a lie.

But truth doesn’t lie, and when you feel something, know something, to the core of your bones, and can’t explain it but just know it as truth, you must trust that what you feel is real. You have only God to answer to; no one else in the world can take away your truth. You are not deluded. Trust your intuitions.

We need to keep things in perspective though. It’s easy to get carried away emotionally by rapid spiritual growth and allow it to consume us or remove us from the need to still engage with the everyday, material, and all-too-often boring world we know through our 5 basic senses. We sometimes feel above it all, like it’s not worth our time or effort because the spiritual realm is so much more captivating, exciting, meaningful, and mysterious. Over-imaginative creative INFJs like me tend to prefer the spiritual and mental realms over the mundane physical one. We also tend to have poor survival skills, especially if we’re also suffering from PTSD (or Aspergers).

We have to engage with the physical world whether we like it or not. It’s not going away, but it’s not all bad either. The physical world gives us the material tools we need to carry our whatever our vision is. In my case, it’s this laptop. I have to remember to maintain it, run a full antivirus scan every few weeks, clean up storage space, and dust my keyboard and screen every day. Without this $300 Hewlett Packard laptop, I would not be where I am right now. Thirty years ago, I would not have been able to undergo such rapid change, because I wouldn’t have this tool that has brought me into a community of so many people who can relate to me in a way no one else has ever been able to, my family least of all. So it’s this banal corporate-made piece of plastic and metal that has enabled me to engage with others and explore the deeper meanings of things.

We also have to remember to take care of our physical bodies. I don’t need to tell you how to do that. If you’re not healthy we’re not going to be able to reach those higher states of consciousness and you’re still going to feel like a victim. How can you not, if your own body is turning against you? We still need to stay in and engage with the real world, and that means staying (or getting) as healthy as we can. Your mind works better when the body is well fed and well rested.

If you have a chronic physical condition, do the best you can. You will still get to where God is taking you; it might just take a little longer. Take the best care of yourself you can.

It’s okay to disengage. In fact it’s necessary. Because it’s easy to get overwhelmed with all this new stuff of the spirit, heart and mind. It’s important to step back every so often and do something normal like bake a cake, clean the house, mow the lawn, shovel the snow, pay the bills, read a good novel. Take a walk. Paint a picture. Put in a new kitchen floor. Call an old friend. Take a long hot bath, light a candle, and feel yourself sink into the comfort of the water and let your mind wander. Those are times I like to be still and listen to what God is telling me.

I can’t spend every minute on this laptop , as much as I’d like to. Stepping away from blogging about and thinking about narcissism and everything I’ve learned lately gives me more clarity; if I spend too long thinking about narcissism or healing from narc abuse and even just writing in general, I can get emotionally overwhelmed. Even though they’re mostly good emotions, even those in excess can muddle your thinking and turn your thoughts into a confused jumble. There’s a such thing as too much of a good thing.

If your spiritual and emotional journey is moving at a faster pace than you expected,like mine seems to be, remember to step back and join the regular world at frequent intervals and I promise you will gain more clarity on things.

If your journey seems to be at a standstill, or is poking along like a tortoise, don’t worry. You are changing too. God is doing his work in you even if you can’t feel it yet. When God reveals his purpose for you, you will know it, because it will be a moment of utter awe. It’s hard to explain but you’ll know it when it happens. It may not be dramatic, it may be a quiet realization. You will know, and you will know why it has taken this long.

Pray for patience and faith, and most of all strength. If you are not a believer in God, believe in something and ask it for guidance. Remember to enjoy the small, every day things. Appreciate life in all its kaleidoscopic colors. Because even in the everyday things, you can find beauty and truth.

20 thoughts on “Keeping it all in perspective.

  1. This helped to provoke some thoughts. Thank you. I recently discovered (and this is horrible) that mother intended me to die. It wasn’t a small thing. Regarding abusive relationships, regarding me being so messed up I can’t hold down a job. Through it all I’ve been left hungry, beaten up badly. It was like she was pronouncing a death sentence over me from the time I was born! I’m now trusting God to help me, to be so screwed over like that, I’m floored. Mother was a murderer. But I stayed alive. There is a reason for it.

    I know that is horrible stuff. But I have to see the reality over it. That she wasn’t a good person. That’s the place I’m at right now in my journey, I guess, to see the truth. I wasn’t left alive for no reason.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ohmygod, Joan. Well, you’d be surprised how many ACONs say almost the same thing about their parents. You should read Peep’s blog, her whole family are like Satan’s minions and as cruel as they come. I was lucky in that only my mother was MN; my father is on the narc spectrum but benign, really more of an enabler and narc apologist and doesn’t play the narc games himself. When he thinks for himself, he’s great.

      Joan, I am so sorry she did that to you. I can’t comprehend a mother hating her own child, I just can’t. But MNs don’t think like we do; they have an alien mind and don’t even care about their own children and sometimes would rather see them dead than succeed in life and possibly show them up. I just don’t get that at all. I want my kids to succeed and not only do that, but do it much better than me. I’m a little overprotective and hovering, and that’s not always good either, but at least they can’t say their mother was a narc (just their dad).


      • Yeah, I love Peeps blog. I have no idea how she even made it. Lot’s of ACON’s didn’t make it. We must have somehow stayed out of their way. I think of poor little Kaley Anthony, and it’s terrible. Lot’s of kids have died, and some people never wake up to the truth of their parents.

        This is a miracle we are here and we are telling our stories.

        Liked by 1 person

        • It really is, and those of us who made it through this far are finding out why it all happened, and I think it gave us a special kind of vision, which I’ve talked about before. There’s a reason for everything.


        • But so sad for those kids who didn’t make it….like little Kaley Anthony…and so many other children who were killed before they ever had a chance


        • Me too, Joan. My mother tried to gas us all to death when I was 12. When that failed, she intended to drive us off of a cliff.

          My dad wasn’t much better. I was 8 when he dangled my 2-year-old sister completely over the side of the top floor of a 4-story parking garage, chanting “I’m going to drop you Nina, I’m going to drop you Nina,” while Nina’s twin and I screamed and begged him not to hurt our sister.

          He did a similar thing to me on the Oakland Bay Bridge when I was a toddler. We were on our way to get my mother at her job in San Francisco when he stopped the car, got out, and carried me over to the railing, chanting “I’m going to throw you off the bridge, Alaina. I really will. I’m going to throw you off the bride.”

          I can still see the sunlight shining in a blindingly bright path across the water, and a small boat bouncing on top of the waves, looking like a bathtub toy, it was so far down. And I can still feel the cold metal railing pressing into my bare legs. “I’m going to throw you off the bridge. Alaina….” I believed him, and I knew I could not stop him. I went completely numb inside, in the moment when I believed him. It was like I was already dead.

          People don’t want to believe these things really happened. It’s unthinkable and, besides that, it sounds so insane. What are the odds that BOTH of my parents would be that batshit crazy? Surely, *I* must be the crazy one, making it all up.

          I’m sorry this happened to you, Joan. It should never happen to any child. Every time I see or hear in the news another horror story about another parent killing their child… I can’t even explain what it does to me. I stopped watching and reading the news last Halloween, when I read that terrible story about a mother throwing her 6-year-old son to his death off a bridge in Oregon. It feels strange, knowing almost nothing of what has happened in the news since Halloween. But occasionally, without wanting it to happen, some bits of news makes its way to my awareness. I was online looking up some information for my husband recently, when I clicked on a site that had a headline about a father in Florida throwing his 5-year-old daughter off a bridge.

          I can barely breathe when I read about or even think about these horrible things.

          It seems to me that only a few of us are able to survive such a childhood. I survived… but with a lot of scars.


          • You could write a book about this, Alaina. That’s horrifying. You are reacting the only way a normal person would to insanity like that. We are fortunate to have survived. Many kids did not.

            Liked by 1 person

    • Joan, please send me an email (you can find under contact me) so I have your address. There’s something I need to talk to you about. Thanks! 🙂


  2. Thank you, dear L.O.

    Right after I posted my comment to Joan, I started beating myself up emotionally. I felt really, REALLY bad. I kept thinking that I am wrong to write about these things, wrong to put negativity into the world.

    And yet, I know those thoughts and emotions are probably irrational. We need to speak the truth about these things — not to wallow in it, not to have a pity party, not to be a downer, but to encourage each other. I wrote what I did in my comment because I wanted, in essence, to say to Joan: “I believe you, and I understand how you probably feel, because I went through something similar. But there is hope. I am surviving, and you are surviving, and others are, too…”

    Thank you for this blog, LuckyOtter. You are good at this. You are creating a safe haven here for people like Joan and me to share bits and pieces of our stories, to help us heal, and to help us not feel so alone.

    I am still trying to find the courage to post my first post on my new Diary of a Mad Scapegoat blog. But right now I am battling with that “don’t put negativity out into the world” shaming inner voice. I am going through the same thing with my PTSD can Heal and my Healing from Crazy blogs… for days now, I have not been posting anything, although I have all kinds of post ideas swirling around in my head.

    You have tremendous courage and strength, LuckyOtter. I admire you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Alaina, I’m very touched by what you just said and a little teary eyed tbh. (I’m getting that way a lot lately– by little things–I’m just feeling a lot more).

      But I digress. Alaina, I think it’s very common for us ACONs to feel guilty whenever we’re “negative” or talk about unpleasant experiences or emotions, because we’ve been programmed so long by our narcs that this isn’t okay, that no one wants to hear us, and in my case at least, it was a sin to not be positive, smiling and happy all the time. My mother with her fake pasted on smile, that’s what I was expected to be. Well I could never be that, I can’t fake feeling all la de da when I don’t.

      The beauty of this community is we can be honest and let it all hang out–the negative and the positive. By talking openly and honestly about our negative, “bad” feelings, we release them and they begin to have less power over us. You’re also helping others because they may feel like they’re alone in their suffering and your sharing your feelings makes others feel less alone. So never, ever feel guilty about sharing your pain and suffering because we’re all doing that and we need to do that. I’d give you a hug if you were here right now but here’s a virtual one. ((((Alaina))))

      Liked by 1 person

    • Aw, Alaina I’m sure you would have an enlightening blog, not negative. That’s the way it works, it only seems negative. We need to do this. It is power of the internet, that is all we have right now. It seems horrible. I swear in my blog and it gets a little crazy, but it is the truth. Even with holes in it because my memory didn’t put things in proper place. Let it go. Once we speak our truth out into the world, it puts a better light on things. I still spend most of my time on other’s blog’s though, because that is what I like to do, we can do whatever we want. Truly though, freedom comes from writing. I’ll visit your blog, and post on it too.

      Liked by 2 people

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