I am keeping my promise to remain 100% honest about everything on this blog. It’s my journal, and I’m going to continue to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. If that bothers people, they need to get over it or go read someone else’s blog. This is my blog and my life, and I will censor nothing that goes on in my mind.
Last night I insulted Sam Vaknin. My insulting him was unintentional and probably clueless, but he was angry enough about it to block me on social media and tell me to fuck off. Those were his exact words. Fuck off.
It wasn’t even me that insulted him. Well, not directly anyway. One of my commenters who frequents this blog made a sort of joke, seemingly at Sam’s expense (or at least I took it as a joke, which is why I approved the remark). I wasn’t actually sure if the jab was directed at me or at Sam. See, I’ve spent my whole life being paranoid and not knowing how to take jokes or how to respond to them (being Avoidant and socially awkward has a lot to do with this, plus having been bullied as a child has made me wary of snark and jokes made at my expense).
This joke was no exception. I was unsure about how I should react to it. I spent a long time trying to decide how to respond or if I should respond. I considered not approving the comment. Sometimes it’s just hard to know what is the best course of action when it comes to things like that.
I thought it over and over in my usual obsessive way, and when I weighed things out, it seemed the best course of action would be to go ahead and approve the comment, “like” it, and respond to it with a “LOL.” I want to be seen as someone lighthearted, a person who can take a joke (because I wasn’t sure if the comment was actually directed at me). I value this member’s opinions and her friendship. She also has an amazing blog. So I reasoned that her remark, no matter who it was directed to, must be all in good fun and a simple “LOL” would be harmless and would hurt no one.
Apparently not. I had no idea Sam would react so badly to my joining in with another commenter in “making fun of him” and failing to defend him from what he felt was “abuse.” Apparently that’s what he expected of me? I can’t say about the other commenter’s feelings, but my intention wasn’t to make fun of him at all, just try to act lighthearted and hope no one would be hurt or insulted.
But you can’t please everyone. If you go out of your way to please one person you are bound to upset someone else. Running a blog sometimes can be difficult. You are required to respond to comments in a way that engages conversation but doesn’t run people off or anger them. Sometimes you have to call them out on bad behavior or issue warnings. And you are going to insult people sometimes. People are going to disagree with you. It can’t be helped.
But when you’re dealing with a narcissist, even an educated and insightful one like Sam, you have to walk on eggshells. I refuse to walk on eggshells for anyone. I’ve had enough of that crap from all my IRL narcs. I still feel guilty about insulting him by proxy though, because I just hate making anyone feel bad.
I want to apologize to Sam, but I know I shouldn’t so I won’t. Because I didn’t really do anything wrong. At worst I made an unwise decision about someone else’s comment, but any normal person would be over it by now. To any normal person it might have even been funny.
I hate making people angry. Probably because I grew up in a household filled with seething anger, open hostility and constant discord. Anger scares someone like me. Of course it’s not realistic to expect a narcissist to not be easily upset and angered. They are incredibly hypersensitive about themselves. They hate being insulted or made fun of more than anything in the world. Still, it never occurred to me something I didn’t think was a big deal would set him off and make him think I was his enemy (I’m not).
Narcissists have no sense of humor (my mother was a perfect example of a narcissist with zero tolerance for any jokes or criticism at her expense, no matter how mild they were). Narcissists cannot laugh at themselves. I have never known one narc who can. What made me think Sam was any exception?
I admit Sam’s blocking me and telling me to fuck off really bothers me, because I was enjoying his input here and he was being so nice to me. It was a shock to find his angry epithet toward me today. It was a Jekyll and Hyde moment. I was gobsmacked.
I have a phobia about making people angry because during my childhood, it seemed all I ever did was make my narcissistic mother angry, and in my marriage to a malignant narc, if I breathed the wrong way it set him off into a narcissistic rage. Like Barack Obama, I try too hard to please everyone, and wind up pleasing no one. In this case, my decision to approve the commenter’s remark and reply with an “LOL” was a bad call, I guess.
But with a narcissist, sooner or later they will show their true colors anyway, so it probably was just a matter of time before it happened.
I’m not sure what the best action to take is now. It’s probably wisest to just ignore him and no longer feed his narcissistic supply by posting any more articles about him, at least until this blows over (if it ever does–I don’t know if Sam holds grudges but most narcs do).
I don’t think I really need Sam anymore for this blog to be a success. I appreciate and am forever grateful for the jump start he gave me in gaining more visibility, but I can continue the momentum on my own now without his help. I still respect Sam’s brilliant mind and his writings, but today he showed me his true colors as the malignant narcissist he actually is. It was a wake up call. I had my doubts before about the malignancy of his narcissism (maybe because I didn’t want to believe it); now I have no doubts whatsoever.