My head was exploding with ideas for new posts this morning (creative new ideas are almost out of control! Halleluia!) but since none are long thoughts and all came to me as I was running my morning errands and buying a few groceries (By the way, if you’ve never tried Bolthouse Smoothies, you haven’t lived. Blue Goodness is the best. Naked brand smoothies may be a little cheaper. Of course you can make your own too if you’re not lazy like me).
Free association #1. My daughter’s victory.
I got a text from my daughter saying she pressed charges on Paul last night for assault (he had slammed her into the door, which was why it broke) and theft of property (he did still have everything of hers, including most of the money!) and the sociopath who passed himself off as such a “loving” boyfriend was arrested this morning.
Then the unbelievable (well, maybe not so unbelievable) happened. He called her from jail, crying and apologizing over and over again. I would doubt it’s genuine remorse as he is obviously a skilled psychopath–he’s probably just scared to death of her now and the fact he was called out and actually arrested for his despicable behavior, and he lost. I told her I was proud of her for having so much courage and getting justice.
I am ever so grateful. This proves there is justice in the world and karma WILL come back to haunt the evildoers who have no remorse for their actions. At the end of the day, they will get what they deserve, even if it takes longer than we expected. Sometimes we just need to grow some balls (even if we’re female) and throw away the Cowardly Lion act. With God’s grace and patience, we will be vindicated.
Free association #2: Pride: seductive and deadly.
Proverbs 29:23 – A man’s pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit.
Galatians 6:3 – For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.
Proverbs 11:2 – [When] pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly [is] wisdom.
Proverbs 26:12 – Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit? [there is] more hope of a fool than of him.
James 4:6 – But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
Proverbs 16:18 – Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.
I’m treading on dangerous territory now as big changes are beginning to happen since I left my narc and was inspired by God to start a blog. Doors that seemed forever locked are now opening. I feel like I take up more “space” in the world–before, my world seemed very small and claustrophobic. I felt hopelessly stifled, and at the same time I was afraid to venture out into the wider world, which I am doing now, even if right now it’s just the wider world of the Internet.
This is all fine and dandy, but it contains a deadly pitfall: the sin of Pride.
Pride in moderation is fine and healthy, as long as we don’t give all the credit for our joys and achievements to ourselves (because we are not gods–in spite of what sociopathic “prosperity preachers” like Joel Osteen tell us). We need to realize that as humans, we are vessels made by God and our first priority is to give glory to God, in whatever manner or talents He has gifted us with.
Each and every one of us has a special gift or talent we were given and the painful lessons we learned in life may be the key to what our purpose in this life may be and where our true abilities lie.
If we neglect to credit God for imbuing us with his Spirit in the form of creative, empathic, scientific, or any other type of vision, we can become full of pride–and pride is a slippery slope to full blown narcissism. That’s why so many Hollywood celebrities have become so narcissistic–because they failed to realize they are not gods themselves–their success or outstanding talent is a tool that God imbued them with and they are merely vessels. God wants nothing but the best for each and every one of us. He wants all of us to realize the potential he created us with. However, his gifts are to be used to help us best serve Him and others, not to serve ourselves.
I need to continually remind myself of God’s enormous role in the changes I’m beginning to see in my life–as well as this new, unfamiliar, optimistic feeling that I actually have a future and a purpose in this world to help first myself and then pay that forward to others.
Sure, of course, there’s going to be a little narcissistic pride (like always bragging about my stats LOL), because we are human and imperfect. That’s okay as long as I NEVER forget that it’s not all about me. God wants me to use my writing and blogging ability not to become full of myself over what it can do for ME (because that’s the point at which everything falls apart, as these Bible verses tell us), but to use it as a tool to help others fulfill their OWN potential and help them find the person God wanted THEM to be so they can use their own Godgiven gifts…and pay it forward…just like in that old 1970s shampoo commercial that said if you tell your friends, then they’ll tell their friends, and on and on and on….I know we’re not discussing brands of hair products here but the analogy is a good one.
God wants all of us to succeed, in spite of what our abusers and narcs have convinced us is true. They are lying. Because God made you special, he made me special–we are images of Him and how special and loving he is.
If you think God didn’t give you any special gift, you are mistaken. If you think you lost or wasted your gift, you are wrong. I was sure I had frittered away and wasted all my talents and abilities due to prolonged narcissistic abuse. I was sure God hated me and was using me as an example of how NOT to be, how NOT to live, as a pitiful laughing stock to the rest of the world…I really believed this!…but again, I was so, SO wrong.
Just be careful about Pride, because it’s very seductive and deadly and can veer you WAY off course, into narcissistic selfishness and darkness…and will affect all those around you in a negative way, especially yourself.
Free association #3: Could insightful narcissists be healed?
I like to look for the good in people and maybe I’m just hopelessly naive and unrealistically optimistic, but I absolutely refuse to believe (as many people do) that certain narcissists can’t ever recover from their disorder. Perhaps true psychopaths/sociopaths and the most malignant, evil narcissists have crossed a line into darkness and it’s too late for them to change, but I think as long as a narcissist has insight into their own behavior, there is hope for them to heal. I think insight is the first step to healing for someone with this devastating personality disorder.
Right now I can think of several narcissists who have enormous insight into themselves and I think they do have hope of recovery — even if they themselves don’t believe it. There are three I am thinking of in particular: Sam Vaknin; the narcissistic commenter KWWL who recently posted on my blog about their NPD and desire to heal; and my own daughter, who may have NPD (or BPD) but has expressed a true desire to change and stop doing manipulative and bad things. I am sure there are many others, and some of them may be reading this blog right now.
I have a great deal of empathy for narcissists like these, and in that spirit, I want to say a prayer for all narcissists who have been given the divine gift of Insight:
Please show these troubled people that they have goodness in them, and are the way they are due to how they were treated as children and their terror of removing the masks that serve to protect the hurt child inside, and that they have become so comfortable wearing.
Let that hurt and lonely child out in the fresh air, let that child be nurtured with your love and our prayers, keep that child safe from further hurt, teach that child that doing the right thing can be just as satisfying (and much more so) as doing the wrong thing, and show that child where their true talents are, so they can begin to walk on the side of the sunlight instead of forever attempting to walk the fence that separates the darkness from the light.
Narcissists, even the most insightful, are in grave danger of losing their balance and falling into darkness (as we all are). Father, please keep them safe from themselves, and teach them that at the end of the day, their false pride can destroy them, not to mention those they come in contact with.
Finally, Father, for the narcissists without insight, please bless them with this gift. For those with insight but who don’t want to change, bless them with the desire to change.
Disclaimer: I am not a professional therapist, and do not have an advanced degree (just a BA in Psychology and Art), and have no guarantee anything at all would work for narcs, but in thinking this problem over so much (and doing so much reading by experts in this field–M. Scott Peck, Vaknin, Hare, George K. Simon, various bloggers who believe NPD can be cured, and others), I think an insightful narcissist could be healed through a four-point program–difficult and probably very expensive, but something that possibly could work for some under the right circumstances. (These ideas are not my own–they are an amalgamation of the ideas of others–even the spiritual element of prayer and faith are from the ideas of M. Scott Peck).
How to cure an insightful and willing narcissist.
1. Emotional catharsis (brought on by loss of narcissistic supply and preceding Cold Empathy from the therapist working with them): https://otterlover58.wordpress.com/2014/11/30/could-reparenting-actually-cure-a-narcissist/
2. Dream analysis and training in Lucid Dreaming (because this may be the only time the True Self is accessible).
3. Retraining the conscience through CBT (cognitive behavioral training)
4. Faith and prayer (from others)
Insight and willingness to change must precede all of this, of course.
I am also not suggesting we should enable or give narcissists what they want. We still need to go No Contact with the malignant, psychopathic ones and those who have done damage to us, and sometimes even the ones who just annoy us.
Narcissists, if they are ever to recover, need TOUGH LOVE.
Note to narcissists who may be reading this.
This is not and never will be a narc-free blog (see my Rules in the header). If you are a narcissist and want to talk about it honestly and civilly here, as some have already , I am inviting you to do so. If you want help, even though I can’t help you myself, I may be able to help direct you to some good resources (also see Info and Support in my header). If you don’t want to post on a public blog like this, you are free to email me with your questions or story.
I’m glad I found your blog😊 Praying with you…I often wondered if the narc/psychopath in my life could have changed…I tried so hard, as did other loving spouses to him before me. We all believed there was good in there somewhere….I still have a button of hope, as we have 12 more years to raise kids together…but in the meantime-extremely low contact…💜
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If you have kids with your narc, No Contact probably isn’t practical or possible so you are wise to keep it Low Contact.
Keep praying for him and so will I.
Some narcs won’t get better, probably most won’t, but I do think there is hope for some of them.
Of any mental disorder, narcissism is the one that can destroy the soul the most (and those of the ones who are closest to them).
APD (antisocial personality disorder) is another disorder similar in many ways to NPD but involves more impulsive behavior and people with APD don’t plan things out so are more likely to be in jail and therefore less of a danger to the rest of us.
You have touched my heart💜 I pray for him, but mostly for my children…that God protect their minds, hearts, and spirits. I know, as do at least two other women, how far down NPD abuse can send a person…at least their time with him is only 30%. There is hope💙
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Never, ever give up hope. Your children are the most important and should be protected as much from him as possible.
How do you get those awesome hearts in there anyway?
Lol…they are emojis…it is an alternate keyboard you can download. I learned how to install it from a YouTube video😄👍 The kids have them on their iPads, and they communicate with them…it’s cute😉
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I was just wondering Lucky Otter if your daughter could be examined for BPD. If she is she can be treated and she will be normal. I knew so many people with BPD and they were being treated and they were so normal. If she is then it will be an enormous relief as NPD there is no meds that work.
I know in the states it is expensive for meds but if she has a disability like that she could be covered for all drugs. I just think it could be an enormous relief for even a slightest chance of treating this. I took my daughter to a psychiatrist because I thought she had BPD but she was diagnosed as NPD. So yeah, it might be horrible to find out. But you could get the greatest relief of your life too if it is BPD.
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She could very well have BPD, in fact several years ago a psychiatrist diagnosed her with that on Axis II (diagnosed bipolar on Axis I)
She does take medication (mood stabilizers for the bipolar and Paxil for anxiety, but that’s it right now. I don’t know if here is any medication to treat BPD (I would think not since personality disorders are not usually treatable with drugs) but if she can agree to therapy (one of my caveats of her living with me is that she see a therapist) we can find out if she is really BPD or actually NPD. If she is NPD I would say she’s on the lower end of the spectrum. I hope not though.
There’s so much we have to talk about. She just arrived home tonight and seems in good spirits and agreeable to some new rules.
They can treat BPD, it is a disease and sometimes it takes awhile for the doctor to find the right cocktail of drugs the individual needs. I worked in mental health at one time.
Wonderful to hear she arrived home tonight, I hope it all goes very well.
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