To my parents…

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tomyparents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know you have found this blog, through the fake name I have been using on social media. For obvious reasons, I do not use my real name on social media for anything that is associated with this blog. This is not only to protect me, but to protect the privacy of people I write about in my posts, because what I write about those people is for the most part not complimentary.

I did not want you to know about this blog. Not yet anyway. Maybe someday. It’s gaining an online presence though so really, it was only a matter of time.

But since you do know about it, please allow me to explain my motives here and the reason why I am doing this.

When I disconnected from my ex (called Michael in this blog), I realized I was suffering from PTSD and intermittent deep depressions. My mind and spirit had been crushed into almost nothing. Malignant narcissists like “Michael” are evil to the core and can literally destroy your soul. It’s as much a spiritual disorder as it is a mental one. “Michael” very nearly turned me into someone like himself. I was one step away from developing “Stockholm Syndrome” and that would have turned me as evil as himself. There would be no turning back. I was very lucky to have the strength of will to get away when I did. Malignant narcissists have that ability. To steal your soul and turn you into one of them.

For almost a year now I have been working on myself and discovering the things that I thought had been lost forever (such as my ability to express myself through writing) had not been lost at all. But I felt lost and was still suffering from deep depressions, anxiety and hypervigilance. I plugged away at becoming independent, at thinking for myself for a change. I realized I needed therapy, but could not afford one.

I started reading a lot of blogs by others who had suffered abuse at the hands of a malignant narcissist or psychopath (which are pretty much one and the same). Many of those blogs were written by ACONS (Adult Children of Narcissists). I realized in my readings that my family of origin was very dysfunctional and well, narcissistic. It was what it was. I don’t hold that against either of you or have any animosity toward you, but I couldn’t hide from the truth about my origin.

One day I decided to start a blog, and its original intention was self-therapy. I wanted it to be public to form a sort of support group. I didn’t want to just make it a private journal because to me that feels like screaming into a void. Feedback from others, including professionals in the field of NPD and psychopathy who read my blog, gives me clarity on my own disorders and those of others who have damaged me. I also hoped my story might help others along the way to recovery and it appears that is starting to happen.

One of my caveats in starting this blog was complete and total honesty about both my marriage and my family of origin. There are things in this blog that you will not like reading and that you may disagree with. Some things may anger you. But this is my blog and these are my feelings. They may be incorrect, but they are still my feelings and impressions. If I were in therapy, these are the kinds of things the therapist would hear. This is public group therapy for me and why I don’t use my actual name.

It’s the best thing that ever happened to me, or rather, the best decision I ever made. I have learned incredibly things about myself in this undertaking, and one of the side benefits of this was that inadvertently, other people told me this blog has inspired and helped them deal with their abusers too. I am happier now than I have ever been and a lot less anxious all the time.

I feel like everything that happened–with “Michael” and all the school bullying and alcholism and other dysfunction in my family of origin (FOO)–was for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. I realized God wanted me to use these experiences to help other people. He wanted me to tell my story because so many others can relate and be inspired or given courage. In the process of writing this blog, I have found God and a church that I feel comfortable with. I will never be a fundamentalist Christian or take the Bible as a literal document, but I have also accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal savior. For the first time ever, I am understanding His presence in my life and the unbelievable things he is doing for me. He is the best friend I ever had.

I always thought God hated me. He does not. He loves me, and that’s why he gave me all those experiences–to teach me things about a devastating mental disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well as other disorders I have realized I suffer from. Not long ago, I realized I had Aspergers syndrome. I am self-diagnosed, but this was confirmed by a psychiatrist. It explains so much about my lifelong social awkwardness, difficulty making and keeping friends, and inability to read social cues. Things are getting better though, and through this endeavor, I am making new friends who truly understand me and what I’m all about. There are many people with Aspergers on the Internet, because the Internet is where most of us feel most comfortable expressing ourselves. I also suffer from PTSD (from being with “Michael” so long and allowing him to manipulate me because I wasn’t strong or courageous enough to leave or resist his games), but that’s getting better. I’m feeling less numb and am starting to enjoy life again and appreciate the simplest gifts God has to offer.

I have been getting letters and comments from other survivors who say this blog has helped them and that means so much to me that every time I read one of those I get tears in my eyes. I never thought I could be of any positive use in this world having too many issues of my own to deal with, but instead, by working through those issues publicly, I am helping others too.

This blog is gaining a presence, due to my determination for it to be successful. I try to balance all the seriousness with lightness and humor and the negative with the positive. I write about other things besides narcissism to keep it balanced. Recently, a writer who has written well known books in the field of narcissism has discovered my blog and has done me an enormous favor by pushing it out there on social media. I’m enormously flattered by this but it has brought me many more views than I would have without his help. This blog has also appeared on blogrolls and lists of resources for ACONS and victims of abusive relationships.

It’s only been over 3 months since the day I sat down and on a whim decided to start writing, but it’s taking off like firecrackers now. I’ve also been asked to write a review of a new book that is coming out and I will be writing a biography of someone important in the field. I was going to put that project on the back burner because I thought it was taking the focus off my own recovery, but I just was informed by another editor and writer that he wants to help me as far as obtaining interviews with my subject, who lives in a foreign country, and providing other information that will be helpful.

I’m not going to allow any of this to go to my head because I realize it’s not really me who’s doing this, it’s God directing me where I am supposed to be going. I give credit to God for all the great things that are starting to happen. Everything that ever happens to us is for a reason, and finally, finally I was ready to graduate from my “schooling” and DO something with all the lessons I learned.

My lack of success thus far has everything to do with allowing others to control me and being too afraid to think for myself and be completely honest. Now all that is going to change. Some people are late bloomers but they can still bloom.

This is God’s will for me, his way of using me in this world, and I am sticking with this until the day I die, or until He has another plan for me.

I realize some of this will be hard for you to read and may upset you. You may just want to skip over parts of it. Please try to realize these are just my feelings. This blog is about brutal honesty. I will hold nothing back. I won’t lie or sugar coat anything. I also will never make this blog private. It’s open to anyone who wants to read it. It’s not my intention to antagonize or anger anyone. I just want to be a whole person and writing about my experiences is cathartic and healing for me. It’s working.

Note to my Dad: actually, it was you who started me down the road to recovery when you sent me M. Scott Peck’s book, “People of the Lie,” which I have reviewed here on this blog. When I read it, like you, I recognized my ex for what he was, and even though it was years before I was able to totally disconnect from him (we call it “No Contact” in the world of narcissistic abuse), it was like a bright shining light I couldn’t escape from. It planted the seed for what was to come, and for that, Dad, I want to say Thank you.

To both of you: in spite of the things you may read here, I do love both of you. I wouldn’t be here today without you. You brought me into this world and taught me much of what I know, even though much of it was painful. I also rememeber good times too. Keep in mind, I started this blog due to “Michael” and his abusive mindgames, not as a way to trash my family of origin. He did the most damage to me, I am sure of this as I am sure the sun will rise tomorrow. But that’s okay because today I’m a better person for it.

30 thoughts on “To my parents…”

  1. Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
    Your total honesty will undoubtably wound some but it has helped so many. I hope that your parents read this with pride. Parents do the best they can. My break through in life was to realize that my parents were human beings with all the foibles we all have. They did the best they could with what they had. I know they loved me that was all that mattered in the end. We all need to go down our own journey alone but our parents put our feet on the path. To Otter’s parents. You did good. You created a caring person that uses her talents to help others. That is a beautiful thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for the encouragement. When I found out they found me, I almost passed out from terror. But why? They are just human beings like me, and though not perfect they do have their good points and in their own way, made me the person I am today, and I think of myself as a pretty good person even with all my faults. I am so hypervigilant and still worry so much about whether other people “approve” of me. But the important thing is, do I approve of myself? Does God approve of what I’m doing? That’s all that really matters. Everything else is just gravy.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. You are truly awesome. Not. Because I say so but because God says do. It’s a wonderful thing when a person truly realizes that all things work together for their good. This post brought tears to my eyes and inspire me to continue on with my writing endeavors. I am thoroughly convinced that narcissists are evil and they come into our lives to kill, steal or destroy us because we are children of God. I have written a memoir about my experiences growing up with my mother. I did not realize that my mother was a narcissist, even though I was married to a narcissist for a couple of years, until I was doing some revisions. What a mind blower, but it all made sense. I want to start a blog too about narcissism but was concerned about my family reading it. Thank you for sharing this blog with me and the rest of us.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Go ahead and start a blog. You won’t regret it. Like any therapy it might bring up painful things and memories, but just go ahead and feel the pain and work through it, and remember God is always with you. I love the “Footprints” prayer, which is in the tab in the header called “a little inspiration.” Corny as that prayer is, it has given me a lot of courage.

      There is nothing I can do now that my parents know except accept it. I realize its all part of God’s plan. Maybe some healing can even comr from it. I just sent my dad an email and asked him to call later. I’m “out” now, and proud.

      I would love to see you start your own blog and I’ll definitely follow it and comment too. It’s would be a great gift you can give yourself.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I didn’t want to start a brand new post about this, but my father replied to my email. He has read quite a bit of my blog and isn’t upset. He thinks it’s good for me and is happy I’m no longer in contact with my ex and hopes it sticks. He even likes my “new name,” LOL!

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  4. It’s a nice letter but also remember you don’t have to explain yourself to any narcissistic abuser parent or not. Your Dad I think it is a good letter for, but your mother doesn’t deserve it. For some of us the abuse was so bad, all love dies or never was there. I tried to make myself love my mother but had to face facts she hated me, and with all the abuse, I was only playing pretend. I know there is a wide spectrum in narcissism though and the malignant’s don’t love. Maybe that did not apply to your parents or at least one of them. Your Dad sounds like he was trying to warn you with that book, and that definitely was an act of love.

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    • I figured my father would be more understanding. I haven’t heard from my mother, and I may not. I can’t see her taking well to this, but who knows? I think God meant for them to see this though, so I have faith it will all work out. I mean, what can they do really anyway? I haven’t used any real names so there’s no libel or slander and besides, everything I’ve told is the god’s honest truth. I’m not worried.
      I agree Dad sending me that book was an act of love. I do think he’s on the narcissist spectrum but very low on it so he isn’t lacking empathy. I don’t even think he has NPD. Hell, I’m probably on the narcissist spectrum myself (low! I hope). I have more than a few narc traits (envy is something I struggle with), I’m not proud of them either.
      I agree Malignants are another story. They are evil and cannot love or ever feel empathy or compassion.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am glad your Dad is supportive. Hey let your mother read of her misdeeds here, it may be a way for her to face what she did if there is any conscience left. You have first amendment rights to do blog and write what happened to you. Everyone has a degree of narcissism, there is a healthy level of course. ACONs can get a few fleas from bad upbringings. I am glad you understand the Malignants are a different story. For a few years I tried to see if there was any conscience left with my mother. I had too many frightening moments with her, to figure out there wasn’t one.

        Liked by 3 people

        • Several years ago I actually sent her a list of the DSM criteria for NPD and she never mentioned it and acted super-nice to me after that for awhile. Hmmm…I think maybe she recognized herself. The mirror can do that. It might be good for her to read these things, not that she will change but still good.

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        • I told my mother point blank she lacked empathy, had no conscience. If she has seen my Pinterest under my real name, I basically call her out as a sociopath. Nothing touches mine, she is too cold even to be like yours to nice it up a bit, maybe thinking inside something is wrong. Mine believes she is perfect through and through.

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    • “For some of us, all love dies or was never there.” This is the brutal truth of the matter for most of us that we’re raised by a narcissistic mother. People with NPD have no empathy. Everything is about them. I’m glad Otter is living her life in spite of. Her mom is probably jealous of her happiness (like most narcissist), but oh well because she no longer holds the key to Otter’s happiness in her hands like she did when she was a vulnerable child.

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      • She thinks I am a loser, a lost cause. SOmeone with no motivation and who keeps making stupid choices. Well, all that was true because I was living with a narc for so many years. I have no idea how she’d feel if I become successful (she seems fine with my sisters being successful but they act as her flying monkeys and hate me even though they barely know me at all, so who knows?) , but I have no doubt she’d hate this blog if she read the parts about I wrote about her. I am not going to worry about it; it’s not my concern. I don’t live to please her anymore, because I have never been able to please her. I live to please myself and God.

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        • Mine will go into a rage when she sees my blog. I am sure of it. Part of me hope she sees it. I think it would be good for your mother. I agree about not living to please them and seeking to please yourself and God. I couldn’t be silent anymore. I was shamed and repressed by those people long enough. What is there to lose at this point? You know?

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          • It’s true. What can she do, disown me? I’m already disowned and from what I understand she has nothing anyway. She can’t sue because no names here are real. And I haven’t told any untruths.

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        • Otter dear, what the heck is successful anyway? And by whose terms? I am almost speechless and can’t write more out of mixed emotions mostly rage: what such parents have done to us, indeed I leave mine to his inner demons…

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      • Yes the love was never there for me. I tried to love my MN, [thinking at the time it was something a Christian was supposed to do] but how do you love someone you are afraid of or who is cruel or has abused you for decades? Facing and admitting the fact I did not love her, I felt was healthy and voicing the fact there was nothing there to love. She almost destroyed me. They have no empathy and they cannot love. Even the ones they favor like the GC are for narcissistic supply and human trophies. I am sure that narc mothers are jealous of happiness. I wish I had been able to pull off the living well thing a bit more.

        Liked by 2 people

    • Fivehundredpoundpeep, I too had to face the fact that my mother hated me. She messed up my siblings, too, but I was her scapegoat, the one who couldn’t do anything right. My Final Straw was 1991, when I went NC. I was already NC with one sister. I had an email correspondence with mother January 2013 because I’d finally recognised what was up with me, and boy, was I mad! Upshot of that was my remaining two siblings dropped me… and so did the entire extended family. It wasn’t Mother’s first smear campaign, but it will be her last because not a single relative has any evidence I’m still alive, and after horrific grief I’ve realised I’m finally free. At this stage it’s still the kind of freedom that means “nothing left to lose”, complete with chronic insomnia and C-PTSD, but I’m still hanging on and from here the only way is up.

      luckyotter, what a freakout that your parents found this blog! but great that it put you back in touch with your dad. Mine was a classic enabler, tried to be fair but couldn’t help himself seeing me through Mother’s eyes … yep, just like Donald Sutherland in Ordinary People. He (my dad, not Donald ;] ) had a ghastly mother — we children hated it when she babysat — and he married his opposite-sex parent as so many of us do. I miss the old man, even though his last words to me were: “I hope you rot in hell.”

      A few times in the past couple of years I’ve felt like I was doing precisely that.

      Did it occur to you you married ‘Michael’ because your upbringing groomed you to fit around a narcissist? I’ve had some really hideous things happen (rape, being bashed, being defrauded out of property, workplace bullying) and I can see my gutter-level self-esteem made me a target and prevented me making sound decisions. People (not on this blog, I trust!) tell me to grow up and take responsibility for my life. I think yeah, I’ll do that … just as soon as I get to the bottom of this mess.

      Hmm… looks like someone else needs to start a blog.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Leah, I get so tired of people (usually NT’s) telling me to grow up and take responsibility. They are not inside my head and have no idea what it’s like to be me.

        Interesting observation about us being groomed to “fit around” a narcissist. We are raised to be perfect victims with no backbone at all so that makes a lot of sense.

        Yes, you should definitely start a blog. I started mine in September as self therapy. Best thing I ever did, and it’s not hard either.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I know my family may find and read my blog. Sometimes I am scared of this because I can see even physical threats coming my way even though no one’s name is on it. They would know it is me because it had descriptions of my two rare medical conditions and other factors that describe only very few people on this earth including my extreme weight. My mother will screech that I am “crazy” and how could I write such horrible things and lies? A few relatives will call me up maybe to threaten to beat me up? It’s not a day I await with eager anticipation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Peep, if you think they are malignant enough to do that to you, be very careful. Do not share your blog posts on social media like I did, if they are on social media. (It’s okay if others share your posts because it won’t be under your account). Never use your real name.
      If they do find out, it may not be as bad as you imagine. They probably just won’t bother with you again, which it sounds like they don’t do much of anyway, except to harass you. You can always block or disapprove their comments if they troll your site. They probably won’t though. Maybe some of the lower level narcissists and flying monkeys at their beck and call will even have enough empathy in reading your story to think about their behavior toward you and how much your blog is helping others (and entertaining at the same time). It could work out for the best. But if you’re afraid, just be careful.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I keep me and my blog separate on social media. Sometimes that sucks because I write articles I want to share but I kept that boundary up on purpose. She may just imagine she did not see it and not say a word. She has done that with letters before I sent her. I can erase all bad comments. My relationships even with the fringe folks are breaking down, except surface politeness so I already have lost the whole family already. I had hope the lower levels and flying monkeys if they read my story more in depth would have more sympathy for me though more and more I doubt this since I told brother and cousins a few things and they never stood up for me either.

        Liked by 2 people

  6. No one’s even doing surface politeness with me these days, peep. Many times I’ve thought of contacting the better of my relatives to tell my side of the story, but she’s been telling everyone for decades what a ‘difficult’ child I always was and none of them is likely to question that, in light of my messed-up life. Talk about stitched up!

    But you know, it’s actually easier they all went. No more flying monkeys, no info about me getting back, no possibility of her ever getting to me again. My dad was very ill last I heard and I don’t even know if he’s alive. I doubt anyone will inform me and there certainly won’t be any inheritance. But I lost him and Mother in 1991 and grieved then, turned my hair white in a matter of weeks. I was 35.

    It’s damned hard to have no family and I hate when people ask because they always assume I must have been a bad egg. Why wouldn’t they? I believed it myself for most of my life.

    It looks like you might end up in the same state. I have nothing to look forward to (unemployed and in rental accommodation at 59) but on a good day I hope, like others here, that I might write about my experiences. That’s contingent on me surviving to tell the tale.

    We all know what a ‘good’ day is, don’t we? That’s when you think it’s possible you might actually have some life satisfaction or even just peace before you snuff it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. LuckyOtter, this letter to your parents is freaking amazing. I’m trying to find the words to express how I feel and… there are no words, I’m speechless.

    Then, as I was reading through all these comments just now, I was jumping up and down inside like a little girl on Christmas morning. I feel like I’ve finally found my kin!

    FiveHundredPoundPeep, Leah, latanyadavis, and LuckyO… I’m sending all of you awesome women a great big virtual HUG from my heart.

    Leah, what you did, going NC in 1991 at the age of 35… I believe that was the best thing you could have done. When I was 16 (way back in 1969), my psychiatrist urged me to get as far away from my family as I possibly could, as soon as I could, and to never go back. He gave me this advice after having talked at length with both of my parents and both sets of my grandparents. In hindsight, he was exactly right. But I didn’t go NC until a few years ago, because I was too needy. I wanted and needed a family so much.

    But the problem is that I never had a family.

    Today, the people in my life are few, but they are good. Honest, kind, and compassionate. I also have two rescue dogs. Our fur babies are some of the best people I know. 🙂

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    • Sometimes I think it would have been better if I never had a family. But I know the reality is, this family was God’s intention for me to learn some very important life lessons and be able to eventually use that to help others once I disconnected from all my narcs. So maybe even narcs are put here for a reason…? Yeah, maybe that’s crazy but without my background, I would not know the things I know now. Instead of this blog, I’d be writing a blog about cupcake decorating or pop music or something (not that there’s anything wrong with those things either).
      Thank you so much for your kind words, they really mean a lot.
      It’s the people we choose in life who become our true family. Blood does not always run thicker than water.

      Liked by 1 person

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