High anxiety

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rawnerve

I’m having one of those days again.  You know, those days where you feel like all your nerves are beeping and buzzing  and flashing the red DANGER sign.    I deliberately stayed home from work today because I felt like sleeping in (and honestly, I wasn’t feeling well–I think I’m coming down with a cold, the flu, or maybe Ebola).  But once I got over the anxiety-inducing hurdle of actually calling work,  I curled back into my nice warm bed, expecting to drift into pleasant dreams, but instead  I couldn’t go back to sleep!   This happens A LOT when I try to relax:  my mind starts racing and my heart begins to palpitate, while all my morbid, negative thoughts of unnamed disaster start to overtake my brain.   This always happens, especially  when I’m trying to relax.

When I was young I never had this problem.  The 20-something version of myself could languish in bed until 2 PM or even later, with nary a sense of guilt or anxiety.  I would drift into the most incredible, lucid-like dreams like someone on a mushroom high.  I woke up ready to take on the world.  But things have changed.  As I’ve grown older, my attempts to sleep in just make me feel like I deserve to be punished and my body responds in kind.   What’s up with that?

sleep

So I finally gave up trying to get back to sleep.  I untangled my legs from under the covers, stood on the cold floor and walked to the kitchen where I made a strong pot of my favorite hazelnut coffee (I’m weird–coffee sometimes makes me sleepy) with cream and no sugar, put on some socks and opened my laptop.   I read some blogs and blogged a little myself, but the nervousness was still there.

Around 11:30, I could no longer stand laying around in the clothes I sleep in (last night it was a tee shirt with threadbare drawstring pajama pants with Lucky Charms logos and leprechauns all over them) and got dressed in real clothes.    But I still feel that unnamed sense of dread.    My palms feel sweaty and my heart is in my throat.    Should I go for a drive?  Mow the grass (which is still overgrown and weedy looking even though it’s been cold)?   Read a good novel?  Cook something scrumptious that involves plenty of chocolate and butter?  Arrange all my books in order by color to make my bookshelves look like a rainbow?   I just don’t know.    Now I wish I went to work today.   I don’t know why I take these “mental health days” when I always wind up feeling guilty for doing so and crazier than if I’d just gone to my crummy job.

pajamas
The crazy outfit I slept in last night.  Maybe going to dreamland with kittens and leprechauns is the stuff of nightmares. 

Am I the only one?  Do any of you suffer anxiety and guilt when you take a day off from work when you’re not really sick?  What do you do to combat your nerves?

 

11 thoughts on “High anxiety”

  1. I never really take time off work. But on a sunday when I don’t have to work and I have spent all week looking forward to not having to wake up early. ……..ping! I’m wide awake earlier than normal and then the parrots start to scream for their breakfast 😦
    I can’t really remember what a lay in feels like anymore.

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  2. Thank for Sharing.
    For a moment I thought you might be speaking about me. I can never rest my mind when I go to sleep. I think about all the things I did or didn’t get a chance to do. My heart pounds as my mind runs wild. Tossing and Turning till I throw myself out of bed. Coffee actually helps me to relax, as some might say it keeps them going. Im sure some of my Anxiety comes from coffee as I drink espresso a lot. I rarely call into work, not to leave them short handed or inconvenienced.
    Seems we have similar issues.
    shophomedecorandmore

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  3. I tend to never take time off work (besides using vacation days). I think it just comes down to having a good work ethic. That being said, if my kids are sick and I need to, I do not feel bad for doing that.

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    • I don’t take off work often. I’m usually pretty good about attendance. But this morning, I really felt kind of crappy, with a sore throat and achy limbs. I could have gone to work though. I feel better now (physically anyway)

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  4. Probably Aspie overload. I remember when I still could work, beyond the physical problems I had, I got easily overwhelmed. I had to cloak all day and most jobs had way too many social demands, that wore me out. I don’t know what your job or career is, but maybe think about some of those needs. I was leaving teaching–constant lay-offs and stress to be a paralegal before I was disabled because honestly I just wanted to be put in an office with a pile of paper work and maybe some one on one time with clients if that. I had to take mental health days off work AND SCHOOL all the time.

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