Talking about money is something I hate.  It’s because I don’t have any.   My years of abuse as a victim of psychopathy was so demoralizing that it nearly destroyed all my self confidence (something I never had much of to begin with).   I think being poor is something a lot of people who spent most of their years trapped in the bubble of psychopathy have been forced to deal with–especially if they were the family scapegoat who was always told “you’re a failure” or “you’ll never succeed in anything.”   News flash:  we got brainwashed.   

I have the native intelligence to have become pretty successful, and I did have a few false starts and a promising beginning in publishing many years ago.  But I’ve always had trouble sticking with anything or following it through due to my pathetic self image and negativity.   When I’ve had opportunities either I (or my psychopaths) sabotaged them.

Being a person with autism doesn’t help.   As an Aspie,  I lack the social skills necessary to be able to connect and network well with those who could have helped me.  Family?   Fuggeddabout it!  They were never any help at all.  I won’t go into anymore detail about that in this post; if you’re interested in my sob story you can click on the link at the top “My Story” and link to my memoirs.    You might just want to do that anyway, since you’re interested enough in the topic of NPD and psychopathy to be reading my blog.

So, here’s the good part.   Currently I have a crappy job that barely pays more than minimum wage and I’m supporting myself and my daughter.   I was pretty much resigned to always being one of the “working poor”  especially since I’m over 50.     I didn’t have high hopes for the future.   I felt like I was just marking time until death.

Almost a year ago I kicked out my psychopathic ex-husband, who I wasn’t even married to since 2005, but allowed him to live with me anyway.  Pretty crazy, huh?   Being divorced but allowing him to live with me and use me for  7 years after the divorce.    Can we say insane?

At first being completely independent (and no longer depended on for narcissistic supply) was pretty scary and slow going.  Many times this past year I feared I wouldn’t make it.

I’ve always loved writing but thought I forgot how to write.  Actually I just lost the motivation and desire, and that was due to severe depression and C-PTSD from so many years living under the shadow of psychopaths.   My depression has been lifting, and one day not even two weeks ago I decided I would start a blog.  And here it is.

I’m pretty proud of my blog.    But more than just making me feel good about myself, I realized I never forgot how to write.   In fact, writing’s an addiction now, and I’m posting so much I’m afraid it might be too much and people will get bored.   But evidently they are not, going by the increase in my view and follower counts.

At first I was writing this blog just for me, as self therapy.  And it still is that.  I still have a LOT of shit to work through.  I’m not out of the woods yet.

But now I have a vision beyond just writing for myself.  I want to help others, and I want to make a living blogging while I help others.   I absolutely love doing this.   It’s a passion and I haven’t had a real passion in…forever.

I already got the custom design upgrade (pretty cheap at $30) and am thinking about taking a class in CSS at the community college so I can use those features.   I can try to use the tutorials here but find them a little hard to follow.

If this blog ever gets big (I’m not counting on it but you never know!), I’ll probably be wanting to upgrade to WP.org to get my own domain name and maybe allow ads on my blog which would also bring in a small income.  I have to learn a lot more about this.

Which brings me to my main point, which is a request of sorts.    I was afraid to ask for money because I didn’t set up this blog to make money and it just seems, well, greedy.  But here’s the thing.    You already know I’m strapped for cash and don’t make much on my day job, and I dearly want to keep my blog going, for myself as well as for others who may be helped by it.   But right now, I’m even struggling to pay for Internet access.    I could use some help.

So what I am doing is setting up a Paypal account and a link in the green bar in my header if anyone is interested in donating to my blog (the money would ONLY be used to keep the blog going, not for anything else-you have to trust me on this).   Of course I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to donate, and I don’t actually expect to get any donations.   But anything you could afford would be deeply appreciated.   If you can’t afford anything (or don’t want to donate), no worries!   Following and reading my blog is fantastic support in itself and is more than appreciated, believe me.

But I’m going to throw it up there anyway and see what happens.

One more thing.   I have been meditating a lot recently and there are some great subliminal videos on Youtube to help you do this more effectively and help you relax.    People may be skeptical, but something kind of weird happened.  While browsing meditation videos last night, I came across this one, which promised after viewing it, you would begin to find new ways to attract money you never had before.   I thought of the donation idea today and also decided I want this blog to more than just for myself and also become MY JOB.   So I wonder if these new desires are a manifestation of whatever subliminal “messages” were implanted in my brain last night.

Here is the video I watched.

Even if you’re skeptical about it’s money attracting powers, the images of space and the universe are beautiful beyond belief and the music is very relaxing.