Hello world. This is my very first blog. I’m not sure what the hell I’m doing yet or how the heck this thing (WordPress) works. I’m learning so please be patient with me.

So. Who am I and why am I here? I’m a high functioning autistic (formerly called Aspergers, a term I prefer). I’m also artistic. I love to write but haven’t done so much as even keep a journal in about five years or more. I’m a former medical editor in my past life in New York City. I currently live in a southern state and have been since the early 90s. I had to move far away from my mother. You see, I’m the survivor of a mother and ex-husband afflicted with Malignant Narcissism (MN). I have a son and daughter in their early 20s. I’m an underachiever, lack self esteem, and I’m definitely underemployed but not a quitter. I enjoy my alone time, probably too much. I love books and most solitary activities. I adore nature, animals, and especially the beach.

So what’s my deal here with otters? If I were a “furry,” my animal of choice would be the otter. Otters have a spirit I have always aspired to be like and think is there, somewhere, buried under all the shit I’ve had to deal with — they’re predators, yes, but they’re also happy, free and totally chill. They’re the funniest, most playful animals on earth and I’ve never seen one who seems miserable or unhappy. They live in the moment, every moment, never worrying about the future or regretting the past–just playing with rocks, eating fish and splashing in their happy streams. And they’re very, very smart. Much more smart than they’re given credit for.

I love shiny, glassy things that glitter and catch the light (most autistics do, as do cats, another animal I can relate to and own five of–as well as a dog). Sometimes I think I’d like a more active social life but I’m ambivalent about that too due to my almost debilitating shyness and social awkwardness. I’m average in weight but love junk food, especially sweets and ESPECIALLY chocolate, the darker the better. I love cheese–real cheese, not Velveeta or “processed cheese food,” bleh. I’ve always dreamed of starting a blog, but was too lazy and unmotivated. Well, here it is.

I’m fascinated by religion, but yet ambivalent about it. I call myself a Christian by default but am not “saved” because I lack the unshakable faith in the bible as a historical document and the conviction that Jesus is/was actually divine. I have a lot to say about this subject but will refrain from it here. I see all religions as having their benefits and drawbacks. I do pray a lot, every day in fact. I’m not an atheist. I believe in God or at least a Higher Power. I also believe in evil and that there are evil people in this world called Malignant Narcissists or sociopaths. They are all around us. I don’t think they possess a soul at all or if they do, at some point they “sold their soul” and became what they are. I first read about them in a book called “People of the Lie” by M. Scott Peck that my father had sent me (even though he has been surrounded my MN women all his adult life and to this day insists my mother is normal and “really does love you in her own way, blah blah). Anyway, something in that book really hit home. I recognized my own mother but at the time, not my then-new husband (who I am no longer married to). That book changed the way I see things but it was by no means the end of my nightmare. I seem to be a magnet and have always been targeted as a scapegoat by MNs. Again, more about this later.

I like to think of myself as a good person. I try to be. I feel that I haven’t done enough or given enough back to the world. Maybe I can start by sharing my thoughts in this blog and reading those you share with me. I’m starting this blog as a sort of self-therapy, as well as an attempt to form a sort of community of people who can support each other. I’m particularly interested in hearing stories from those who have been damaged or hurt by malignant narcissists in their lives and how they have learned to cope.

So, to wrap up my first post. Give me a good book I can bury my mind and soul into, unlimited Internet access (the best thing to ever happen to those of us without great social skills or who have felt alone in life for one reason or another), some dark chocolate rolled in crunchy sea salt (Trader Joes has the BEST–and theirs are enhanced with turbinado sugar crystals, YUM!), a blackberry-pomegranate smoothie (or a great cup of coffee), some waves to play in, and I’ll roll over on my back and wiggle like the bespectacled ball of fuzz in the photo.

Here are a few other blogs I have found extremely helpful.
The first I’m listing (and the first I came across in my research) is run by a psychologist, Dr. George K. Simon, who has written several excellent books about malignant narcissism and seems to know more about these creatures (I hesitate to call them human) than just about anyone else.
Here is his site.

The other three are by fellow survivors of narcissistic parents:
1. http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/
This blogger writes about many things, but often references her experience as the abused child of a dangerously narcissistic mother and sister.

2. House of Mirrors: http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com
I find this blog the most comprehensive and in depth on the topic.

3. Narcissists Suck! http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/
This is a fantastic blog, not updated in a long time, but still chock full of information and Anna’s posts are often irreverent and hilarious.

All these blogs are well written, insightful, sometimes creepy and scary, often quite funny, and in general just a breath of fresh air to those of us who always thought there was something very wrong with us but were all too often the victim of a phenomenon called “gaslighting,” a dangerous technique manipulators use to “keep us in line.” While I hate the idea there seem to be so many people out there who went through this special kind of hell, it’s heartening to know we are far from alone.

Later on I’ll relate my entire story. It’s a little too emotionally draining do delve into that right now, but I’m getting there. But do expect the occasional off topic or just plain silly post. There will be quite a few of those. Like, I might include a music video I really like, a funny cartoon or picture, a review of a book or movie, a rant about one of my pet peeves (I have quite a few of those), or just random thoughts and opinions. You’ll never know quite what to expect; hopefully that will keep this blog interesting.

“Remember you’re an otter. You can swim!” — Unknown author (ref to be inserted later).

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