HSPs and empaths, take heed! You cannot heal a narcissist!

sad_angel

In my readings and observations of people in the narc-abuse community, I’ve become aware that Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), empaths in particular, are highly attracted to narcissists. The reverse is also true–narcissists see an empath and smell blood.  As an HSP myself (though not an empath), I have always been drawn to narcissists as friends and romantic partners.   This has gotten me into a world of trouble and almost destroyed me until I finally learned to resist their “charms” and go No Contact whenever possible.

Why Empaths are so attracted to Narcissists.

empaths_narcs

It’s a psychological truism that we tend to be attracted to people similar to the people who raised us.  For those of us who were the most sensitive child in the family and as a result, became the family scapegoat, developed codependent personalities, or even developed a form of Stockholm Syndrome toward our abusers, we continue to carry our legacy or “people pleasing” into adult life and find ourselves drawn toward other narcissistic people, who are very good at promising us the world and vowing to solve all our problems.   But getting involved with a narcissist is the ultimate bait and switch–they make a lot of empty promises to love you unconditionally and never betray or hurt you, but they don’t deliver.  Not even close.  All they care about is feeding off of your love and generosity in order to keep their false self inflated like a balloon toy.

Not only are we fooled into believing the narcissist will be the answer to all our woes and fill our own inner emptiness, HSPs and empaths are also drawn to the “hurt inner child” inside every narcissist.  Most people can’t see the emotional void and deep unhappiness at the core of an NPD; they just see the narcissist as either a likeable charmer or a huge A-hole (depending on their role to the narcissist or stage of the relationship), but empaths see beyond the “false self” to what really lies beneath the carefully constructed facade.    This is why empaths and HSPs were so often scapegoated as children–because they were children who could see the ugly truth and sometimes even blew the whistle on the narcissistic parent–and nothing terrifies a narcissist more than being exposed as living a complete lie.

I’ve talked to quite a few empaths who actually seek out narcissists to love, in spite of having been educated about narcissistic abuse and the very real dangers they pose both spiritually and emotionally.  Empaths who choose to love a narcissist and think “this one is different” really ought to know better.   They look at a narcissist and don’t see a predatory, toxic individual who only seeks to use and abuse for their own gain; instead they see only the “hurt inner child” living in darkness beneath the bright, cheerful facade.

Their observations and feelings are actually not wrong.   Because empaths can see the truth about people, the damaged person they take so much empathy on is real.  Narcissists are indeed hurt, damaged, deeply unhappy people, although some abuse victims prefer to think of them as inhuman devils without souls at all.   Narcissists are definitely human, but they are dangerous, and especially deadly to an empath, because of how much such a person tends to give of themselves and how codependent they can become.

Like moths drawn into the flame.

moth-to-the-flame-3

Narcissists are drawn to empaths because (even though an empath can see beyond the false self, which scares narcissists), they give them everything they want.   Deep inside, what every narcissist really wants is someone to love them unconditionally, and empaths are more than capable of doing that.  They are also deeply envious of the empath’s ability to feel with no shame, even if they deny and hide their own feelings.   Empaths are compassionate, patient, self-denying, always willing to listen without judging, and generous with their time, money, possessions, emotions, and everything else they have to give, both tangible and intangible.  An empath’s love for a narcissist will cause them to stick by them no matter how much abuse gets dumped on them in return.   Empaths are perfect candidates for Stockholm Syndrome.   They will keep giving and giving, while the narcissist gives nothing in return except heartache and pain.

Some empaths may seem masochistic because everyone else can see that the narcissist is sucking the empath’s lifeblood away, turning them into a dried up husk of the whole person they once were, but the empath, like a moth driven to a flame, continues to give and give and give until they have nothing left to give.   It’s not masochism that drives an empath to stay with the narcissist and allow this abuse, though–it’s the deep belief empaths have that their unconditional love alone can heal the narcissist and make them whole again.

It’s a beautiful idea, that unconditional love can heal a narcissist and transform them into loving, authentic human beings.  It would be nice if things really worked that way, but only in fairy tales and movies do such things happen.   The Beast is won over by Beauty’s love and is transformed into a loving prince;  the miserly Scrooge is transformed into a generous and compassionate philanthropist;  The Grinch grows a huge heart out of the hard little stone in his chest when he hears the Whos singing down in Whoville in spite of having all their Christmas presents stolen;  Jerry McGuire changes overnight from a selfish, materialistic jerk into a nice guy.  Usually it’s the love of someone else–often a woman or child–who is the catalyst in getting the narcissist to change their evil ways.  These movies and stories touch our hearts and bring tears to our eyes because we wish life were really that way.

grinch_heart grinch_heart2

It’s tempting, if you’re an empathic type of person, to want to reach that hurt inner child inside your narcissist and through your unconditional love alone, give them the courage to jettison their false self and let that inner child out, and finally learn how to love.   But what’s far more likely to happen is that in spite of your best efforts, the narcissist will not change and will resist or even attack your efforts to transform them.   They will just keep taking from you, for they have no idea how to give of themselves or how to love.  You become drawn deeper into their web of misery and darkness, and eventually have nothing left to give and finally, your soul is destroyed beyond repair.

The only way to help a narcissist.

You cannot help a narcissist by giving them your love.  The best way to help a narcissist is to stop giving them narcissistic supply–in other words, going No Contact.   Only then is there a small chance that without that fuel, they will be forced to confront their own emptiness and pain, which could lead to them seeking professional help.   But don’t count on it.  Most likely, they will just move on to a new source of supply or try to hoover you back in.

I’ve stated many times that I don’t think most narcissists are beyond hope.  I’m one of the few narc-abuse bloggers that holds to that view, and sees narcissists as a different, more dangerous type of abuse victim.   It’s not a very popular view, but it’s mine and I’m not likely to change it.  A few weeks ago, I wrote about Apostle Paul, a malignant narcissist if there ever was one, who was changed by the Holy Spirit into a righteous (if still slightly arrogant) devoted follower of Christ.    I know of NPDs who are in therapy or treatment, or were in therapy and have actually been deemed NPD-free or are at least working hard to change their ways and become more authentic, loving people.  NPDs  are sad people who know their lives are empty and shallow and essentially meaningless, even if they never admit it.  Some even become consciously aware of how exhausting and essentially unfulfilling their dependence on others to feel good about themselves (and what they feel good about isn’t even who they really are) really is.

I’ve always believed that with both self-awareness (knowing one is a narcissist) and willingness to change (disliking what one has become), that healing becomes possible.  But change isn’t something that can magically happen through an empath’s unconditional love.   If it’s going to happen at all, it takes years and years of difficult and grueling therapy by a trained professional who knows exactly what works for this disorder (and what doesn’t)–and because they are trained in this, are not going to get pulled down into oblivion by allowing the narcissist to feed on their heart like a predatory animal.   Healing can also come through an act of God, as it did with Paul.    We can love a narcissist (but from a safe distance!), and we can ask God to help him or her–and maybe that will turn out to be God’s will too.  You never know.  God may have a special mission for them and decide to remove the scales from their eyes.   But please, empaths and HSPs, never try to cure a narcissist yourself through your unconditional love.   It won’t work.  You don’t know how to do it.  Leave it to the professionals and God.

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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73 Responses to HSPs and empaths, take heed! You cannot heal a narcissist!

  1. Joel F says:

    Thanks for sharing this. I learned a lot from this article.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. L.Mary says:

    Great post! I agree with lot’s of what you say here. I’ve also always wondered if the attraction between narcissists and empaths (I am one) might also be germane to their respective constitution and temperament? Maybe one has been designed to be a socket (a receiver) and the other to be more penetrating (like a plug). Maybe these two creatures were actually designed for each other had not their respective distortions caused the whole relationship to become convoluted? Maybe the empath possesses a more feminine receiving disposition and the narcissist more of a masculine phallus? Because I have attracted SO many narcissistic men in my life and they were all very masculine and penetrating individuals. They possessed a quality that is not inherent in my nature. And the attraction was always very strong for both parties. So I think your description of empaths is accurate…I just wonder if we were deliberately designed that way? What better method for the creator to employ than to design a socket and a plug and then require them to learn how to merge and mature and relate to one another in appropriate life affirming ways instead of dysfunctional ways? Because it’s helpful to recognize that the empath has as much of a problem as the narcissist. There is an innate stubbornness of both personality types to modify their primitive drives. There are a lot of personality features shared by both types. I’ll give you an example. There is a man on the internet that I came across years ago and I knew instantly and within seconds of seeing him across my computer screen that he and i would be candidates as a romantic match. Before I even knew a single thing about him. And it had nothing much to do with his appearance. It was the way he carried himself and the way that he spoke. The forcefulness of his presence came right through the computer screen. I am all the things that you describe about the empath and he is all the things you describe about the narcissist and I knew it was a match within seconds. And, knowing much more about him now, I can confirm that it is a energetic match. Now…I am happy to report that I am mature enough and healthy enough not to act on my attraction to him…but I bring this up because it is interesting to note that certain types of people may have been designed for each other deliberately. And that we may have been created to be drawn to each other for the purpose of Iron sharpening Iron. But…perhaps because of the fall of man in the Garden of Eden….things went horribly wrong and maybe somehow that perfectly matched relationship got completely perverted? My motto is ” Keep the phallus but grow the boy to manhood”. lol I don’t want to castrate the narcissist. I just want for him to grow up . lol

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      The plog-socket theory is interesting…and I have thought about this myself. I’ve wondered if nature or whatever has somehow designed empaths and narcs for each other. There’s only one problem with this theory. I could believe this was by divine design IF the relationship was more symbiotic (mutually helpful to each other). But it’s more parasitic than symbiotic–with the narcissist taking everything and the empath being destroyed in the process. Sure, parasites are natural, but there is absolutely no benefit to the host, so I don’t think it’s by design, maybe just chance. It’s a good question though, and does make you wonder why empaths continue to find narcs so attractive. I think it may be because so many were raised by narcissists and we tend to be attracted to people similar to our parents. They also see a tortured person they think they can help. Thank you for your comments!

      Like

  3. survivednarc says:

    Agree with every word!
    Great post. ⚘🌸

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Evan711 says:

    I thoroughly enjoyed this post.. Thank you…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The timing of this post is UNBELIEVABLE. I accept the unchangabilty of the narcissist but I’m still praying for the scales to fall!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ruud says:

    You are not an empath? I don’t see how that works with borderline? Would you mind sharing?

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I could be, but I don’t think so. I’m HSP because I’m very good at picking up the emotions of others around me, and seeing the truth about people, but I’m not a “giver” and not all that empathetic to those in need. I don’t think I lack a normal amount of empathy and caring, but I don’t really go out of my way either. I’ve developed very strong boundaries, after years of codependency, to the point of being nearly counterdependant. My reticence in getting involved in other people’s problems is what keeps me from being an empath. But I do have the level of sensitivity needed for it and could probably be one if i chose to be.

      Like

  7. katiesdream2004 says:

    Great post with keen observations, thank you for writing this. A certain segment of highly manipulative narcissists present the wounded little boy that has been done wrong by some “bad” woman/ This ploy is to sucker in an emphatic, caregiver type person. I’ve been played that way and then find out after my life is wrecked by the constant gaming that the previous “bad” woman was the true victim in the relationship.
    The supposed cheating previous wife didn’t cheat at all but the supposedly wounded and innocent and loving husband was a serial adulterer. It is very enlightening to get in touch with ex’s after you gather the ashes of your life and hear the real story. There should be a warning label “will be hazardous to your physical and mental health”. Not only was the person I was trying to “heal” not healed, they destroyed me in every way (and had fun doing it).
    I agree only God can heal such persons, the problem with therapists working with narcs is finding one that isn’t suckered in to rescue the narc from you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Why don’t they come with warning labels? I wish they did! I agree, you have to be careful with therapists. Some are narcs themselves! (I know your experience with therapists was very negative).
      The kind you are talking about that act needy are the covert narcissists, and they can be as bad or even worse than the more grandiose ones because at first they can seem like anything but and you have no idea what you’re getting into.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. The ‘better’ I get after years and years of therapy, I’m starting to realize that almost everyone I associated with was a Narc and that’s why the relationships don’t work out so well anymore, because I don’t put up with their crap anymore. They didn’t get worse, I got better, and they were always that way. So it’s like I’m making a whole new life, it’s lonely right now. My last relationship was with an N, I truly did love him but I was almost completely destroyed, I mean bad. It’s a shame because he had to lose me too. I was really all he had and he didn’t even know it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Susan says:

      😦 me too. I know what you mean by “I was almost completely destroyed” its like there were moments where you questioned if it did completely happen right? like “snap” moments. he drove me so crazy I FELT my mind literally get lost. and considered checking myself into a hospital. and would have if only I could’ve been instantly transported there. but in those snap moments/DAYS I couldn’t even function enough to GET there. I mean get dressed and go..was utterly baffling to me. I laid on the floor.
      he wanted me to be his mother. as I look back io see all those moments he was trying to manipulate me into being his mother. or what mother means ..”give all of yourself”
      and he take
      he had a vasectomy and abortions etc..and just wanted MY love all to himself..yet.. begged me to “have the things other women already had” like house car etc
      for HIM
      he wanted to be my son
      and I supply all. love, home, car, job etc
      I hate to have to say It like this..but in this case after what he put me through.. he is therefore as a full grown adult and not my child a “righteous abortion” BECAUSE of what he expected to be to me,.. in place of any life at all.
      this is how I think of him now
      he did it
      I cannot love such a full grown creature/adult.. that destroys life in every way for it to all be for himself
      that’s an abomination

      Liked by 2 people

      • I get what you’re saying. I think because probably we were that much more emotionally healthy and loving they wanted us to be the mothers they never had so all the destruction they do might actually be them testing us not to leave them. A mother doesn’t reject her child so therefore neither would we. And the destruction can so far that you become like a sacrifice. I also get how some of these narc men try to combine people and make it all work in one. Your love but another woman’s house and car like you said. You just don’t and can’t combine people into one without someone getting seriously hurt.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Susan says:

          very good point! exactly
          add to the mix the most destructive of all
          I can admit looking back I was looking for a FATHER
          talk about bombs going off
          I was RAISED in a Christian belief that the men takes care of the woman… man is the caretaker! financially
          and my father was that actually
          and I end up with someone who wanted ME to be the man in a sense
          but he saw that as mother.. but failed to see the man provides it
          it is frustrating for a man to say “you should “already” have a house car etc” with NO MAN involved!!!
          im all for women working and such.. BUT NOT UNDER this circumstance for then id rebel from it and say no YOU do it
          you have to be WORTH the work! and he wasn’t at all
          ironically anytime I got a job he prevented me from keeping it…. stating my first paycheck and id flee from him (true) but not my intent!
          his CONTROL over me was that all his self fulfulling prophecies… he made come true by never understanding he has to be worth it
          to waste my life by continually rejecting all my efforts is in my opinion a grave sin and God saw it all
          by using someone for your self fulfilling prophecies is WASTING their time and life
          now he comes around for more gameplay
          stating he ruined my life and what? wants to repair it lol
          he cant get over it
          its been 11 years he is still NOW off and on writing me or texting me under fake names on facebook.. still thinking I am some game to work out. still giving excuses and reasons all of which still sicken me. they HURT me because they all always miss the point and mark.
          I always block them (facebook)but he gets enough words in to be toxic to me
          he is like a turd that wont flush and yes I did tell him that
          (was that said in a die hard movie lol?)
          his mother abused him a lot but I had to hear about it every single day
          I was abused and could never even mention it.
          to me he was like a walking open sore continually pouring out/not binded up

          Liked by 1 person

    • Susan says:

      I feel the same way too,lonely..they stayed the same… not worse,but as we are better (not putting up with anymore) don’t you now look at them as so appalling that to even imagine spending a day like that again makes me physically sic and NAUTIOUS and I am GRIEVING the loss of my self.. meaning.. from a safe space and distance to see myself go through that..is like watching a child abuse movie.. I am grieving! my own self whicjh feels so unnatural
      its like an ouroboros!
      by the way ouroboros destroys the whole world
      because she as a “mother” lovingly kills her “7 children” to save them
      well… the whole point of ouroboros that the “snake eats its own tail”
      there was nothing else to eat! <—- think about that.
      the symbol of a snake eating its own tail is a tale of NEGLECT..it also means to "start over" as this is a failed creation its saying
      but she /the snake/mother…. eats her own tail… she is alone and one… its a scary symbol to all the worlds religions.(of judgement and them all failing her). and it is to me too. its a painful symbol
      she ran in a circle and only found herself
      symbol of destruction and rebirth
      I feel the same damned way
      im trying not to

      Liked by 1 person

      • luckyotter says:

        I’m grieving the loss of myself too. I was never accepted for the person I was. Never. Not by anyone growing up really. I’m very triggered right now by a lot of things brought on by my father’s death and my hypervigilance and paranoia is at full bore. I’m also experiencing lots of rage. I’ m not really fit to even be around right now.

        Like

        • L.Mary says:

          Luckyotter, you want to hear something? In Christian deliverance ministry circles they talk about people who are harboring a spirit of rejection (usually due to some type of secure attachment deprivation with the mother or some other type of annihilating experience endured by the child) People who were raised by narcissistic parents, as we were, tend to carry this spirit . And it’s an aweful thing to live with because it tends to follow us around like a dark looming cloud. It’s a dehumanizing thing to live with. I also used to have paranoia and at one time I had rage. So i COMPLETELY understand where you are at right now. I will pray for you !.

          Liked by 1 person

          • luckyotter says:

            Thank you, Mary–I do believe you are right about that. It really does feel like some sort of dark spirit has been following me around my whole life, like a damn curse. I think that’s why so many of us turn to God eventually. He’s our last hope.

            Like

    • L.Mary says:

      I feel the same way Rubycommenting. As I got healthier, I systematically distanced myself from all my previous circles of people . Those relationships would never have allowed me to grow . And I don’t feel bad for leaving or miss any of those people . It’s kind of the same as if I were once drug addicts…. and all the people I knew were addicts. . Then when I stopped “using” I had to leave all those people behind. You can’t hang out with addicts anymore while in recovery. The problem for many of us in recovery from codependency and narcissistic abuse is that it’s so pervasive in our society that it’s very difficult to find even reasonably healthy and well adjusted people. Not perfect people, mind you. Just reasonably kind and normal humans. What behavior should be considered a deal-breaker? In answering that you can probably lump 95% of the human race into the deal-breaker category. lol Because lets say that you encounter a potential new friend who is not necessarily pathologically narcissistic…but yet does have a compulsive need to compare herself to you resulting in jealousy and competitiveness. Well…we may not be dealing with full blown NPD……but we are still not necessarily in a mutually loving and supportive friendship. And I think this is where the “lonely” comes into play. There comes a point where one realizes and has to come to terms with the reality that the pickings are slim. And there is a sadness that comes along with facing that aloneness. But I’ve come to accept that God is at work in this situation and has a plan for our aloneness . I actually think it may be a necessary rite of passage into full maturity to go through it. . I eventually came to terms with the fact that I need to be ok with being alone because the tradeoffs that were available would have caused me to have to compromise my core values . And I came to terms with the fact that there may be long seasons in my life where things are not the way I wish they could be. But the reward for enduring those seasons is the knowledge that I have the fortitude to endure it. And that builds enormous confidence. Because very few people have the courage to take the path less traveled. People need others so badly that they will prostitute themselves to a shitty friend just to avoid being alone. Thats the reality. Lots of people who claim large circles of “friends” only really have a bunch of bodies who keep them from facing aloneness. Very few people are fortunate enough to have a few deep abiding friendships in their lifetime.

      Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Join the club, Ruby. My life is so lonely right now too. Recently I thought about every relationship I ever had and every last one (except for one–he was bipolar) was with a narcissist. We were programmed to find them attractive. A new red flag for me is: if he’s attractive to me, stay away!
      It’s very, very hard for me to trust anyone anymore and as a result it’s so hard for me to get close to anyone because I always expect they will hurt or betray me. Pretty much everyone else in my life has.

      Like

      • Thanks Lucky Otter. That lets me know that I’m right where I should be then. So many others are indeed sicker, and they ‘pass’ as healthy. It’s like we know better, but, we’ve had a lot of treatment, treatment that most don’t get.

        I had a medical doctor once, who knew I had a psych history, and I was completely fine, logical, coherent etc. I guess when she saw I was acting fine, that didn’t compute with ‘her opinion’ of me so she started making crazy sounds herself and then hospitalized me. I wasn’t acting sick so she did it for me. She should have been the one hospitalized. The story is unreal. Being healthy can work against you because of the way you measure up against the rest.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. L. Mary, your words were really very helpful. A way to look at it that makes sense. I guess the road less traveled woul be lonelier then, there are fewer people on it to begin with.

    Liked by 1 person

    • L.Mary says:

      Rubycommenting I’m glad to hear that. Actually this topic has caused me to explore possible books on the subject because i also struggle with it myself. So I’m thinking of purchasing a book I found on amazon. It’s called ” On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone”. I’ve not settled just yet on that one. I’m going to look into a few different books on this topic and see which looks best.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. avaswan says:

    You describe my life completely. I was married to one 17 yrs and trusted him with my life. When we married I had a home paid for he was renting one. He talked me into selling my home to build a home of our dreams. We ended up buying land with 200 large oak trees and he decided we needed a huge home to sit on our five acres. He said his retirement would more than pay for things when he retired, so I believed him. Then at 62 he decided to retire early, so he didn’t get near as much as he had said. So he decides to reverse mortgage our home, and waited until the last minute to let me know since I wasn’t 62 I’d have to sell him my half for ten bucks. I had the flu at the time and couldn’t even function at the time with fibromyalisa also. So I did it, so for the next six years with my N life became from unbearable to out right abuse. His 40 year old lived with us and the two of them did such horrible things to me I ended up trying to kill myself with pills. Thank God I didn’t have enough for it to work. But his attitude about it was so uncaring and the fact his son had kicked my 11 year old dog, I left. It was funny how I would leave over his mistreatment of my dog but I didn’t even value myself enough to do it for me. So I am living with my son and family trying to start over.

    Liked by 1 person

    • L.Mary says:

      Avaswan, Wow… Thank goodness you got out. I’m so sorry for you . Hearing stories like yours is difficult because i know how deeply painful it is to live through those prolonged nightmares. People who have not lived through it just can’t comprehend that the Narc/Sociopath will stop at nothing until you are destroyed. May God support you in your journey in recovery.

      Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Yup, sounds like they were systematically trying to destroy you. That’s what happens. It’s so sad and I’m sorry that happened to you. And the poor dog too. 😦 They will stop at nothing.
      Right now, my sociopathic MN/ASPD POS ex is cozying up to the son he wanted nothing to do with, because it turns out he (my son) is getting an inheritance from MY father (I’m 90% sure I am getting nothing) . So my ex wants HIS piece of the pie, even if it means I get screwed out of anything at all. I don’t think my son would be that stupid though, knowing the money is from MY dad (who couldn’t stand my ex). My ex is a sneaky weasely evil con artist and almost destoryed me, pitting everyone against me and having people actually MOVE IN to join him in the abuse (like your ex’s 40 year old flying monkey). He also got 30K disability backpay for leeching off me for 7 years when he wasn’t actually disabled for most of that time (he just didn’t want to work) and spent it all in 2 weeks. He was able to find a way to DOUBLE his payments due to mental illness (they say he can’t work because he has “homicidal tendencies”–HAHAHAHAHA! Yup, he gets disability for that!)

      Nothing like a death in the family to bring out all the greedy malignant Ns and antisocials and everyone else’s worst sides too.
      I know I sound angry and bitter; I am VERY triggered right now. 😡
      I’m really sorry that happened to you but you have a lot of company here.

      Liked by 1 person

      • avaswan says:

        You have every reason to be triggered right now. It is so unfair what they do to us and anger and bitterness is what we get left with. I am feeling your pain about your dad, my moms last words to me, right before she died were”who is that jack ass over there”. She was dying of cancer and I had been up at the hospital for two weeks taking care of her. I called my only brother to come home she was dying and that night he flew in. He was her golden child and only wanted him at that point, the trouble is he was sitting in a chair on the phone busy. I got up and offered her ice chips and she hit my hand and knocked the Glass out of my hand. I was so tired from being there none stop and it hurt me that st the end I still wasn’t good enough. I went and sat in the chair because I just felt like crying and shut my eyes. That is when she said it, implying I was behaving badly. I went in the hall to get some water and calm down and before I got out the door my brother started yelling for a nurse and she was gone before I could get back in. Of course I fe!t terrible I was mad at her when she died. Lots of horrible emotions for me still from just that one incident, so I know the roller coaster ride and rejection we feel from our families. That is why I understand your pain so much.

        Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          What a horrible thing to say to her own child. Of course she knew it would upset you, that was the intention. Thats why she waited until you were sitting there with your eyes closed, almost in tears.
          God, I’m so triggered right now that what you just told me makes me see red. 😡 I have to keep telling myself, these narcs don’t KNOW HOW to love, they never learned how. I don’t want to get trapped in a cycle of hate.
          These narc parents should be sterilized.

          Like

          • avaswan says:

            Please don’t get triggered by what I said I only want you to know you are absolutely not alone in this. There are many of us out here, so you are not alone in how you feel right now. I just wanted you to know I understand how you feel and I hurt just feeling your pain sweetie.

            Liked by 1 person

            • luckyotter says:

              Oh, I wasn’t, I was already feeling awful about a few things that have happened over the past couple days, all having to do with my *cough* family.*cough*

              Like

            • avaswan says:

              I will pray for your healing for your brokenness dear sister. We are so much better off as humans from the suffering, we will become better than them, not as bitter as them.

              Liked by 1 person

  11. Jim says:

    Thanks for sharing. This is very helpful, and a very balanced perspective.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. dray0308 says:

    Reblogged this on Dream Big, Dream Often and commented:
    Follow Lucky Other’s Haven!!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. mariaholm says:

    Thank you for a very useful post on this important subject. I was married 9 years to a man with big emotional disorders like narcissism or worse. My father too had disorders so I see what you mean my not being able to judge in the situation where you meet a person like that

    Liked by 2 people

  14. nikitalondon says:

    Your article is so spot on and so enlightening and enriching. Lets pray to God he sends his light to all the NPD people who really want to heal. Some do receive the light from God. Thanks very much for this article . Really. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Pingback: HSPs and empaths, take heed! You cannot heal a narcissist! – narcmagnet69x96

  16. Susan says:

    I never thought i’d have to feel like one of the children in the Russian orphanages…that they say are so emotionally damaged that the adoptive parents must take on a huge task… when I was younger and idealistic I had FULL SUPPLY of love to give to such a child. and I wanted orphans to raise..now I am feel I am one.. and I am being “hollowed out” by God and about to be reborn and adopted by a new mother on some new planet somewhere
    I mean it feels EXACTLY The same as that!
    which Is gut wrenching because I don’t think id leave my earthly mother…..
    but I do feel.. “about to die” and just sitting here helpless in some vacuum or portal just awaiting my new body or something…like a cold hallway full of zombies and we each have a number
    and with all this “work” I need done in me.. it feels like the show is kind of being held up
    reminds me of a bible verse “he comes to the mouth of the womb and has not sense enough to come out”
    it was the baby;s job to “come out” or walk through the gate.. and he didn’t have sense enough
    I don’t either
    im like staying in the canal! birth tube
    I felt I was the giver
    now im the receiver?
    I feel desolate
    but bible says all the desolations are in the holy place…..
    this is beyond scary to me
    not just emotionally but physically like on a molecular level
    something to do with ascension…

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I can relate to the Russian orphans…

      Like

      • L.Mary says:

        Yeah…I wouldn’t even attempt to sugar coat the prolonged suffering that some of us have journeyed through. Ours are *truly* ” gut wrenching” biographies. Fucked up, lonely and violent childhoods, daily emotional and/or physical incest, Stockholm syndrome, Complex PTSD., BPD , Bi-polar symptoms …..you name it we have endured it. I’ve walked it….I’ve live it. I get it!

        Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Thank God for the internet. Without it, we really would be all alone. It’s so hard to find anyone IRL who has been through this hell. People just can’t relate.

          Like

          • L.Mary says:

            Amen!
            It’s true, Luckyotter…
            One simply cannot relate to this unimaginable journey unless you have lived it …through all it’s horrific complexities and undulations ….. for decades on end….. seemingly never ending torment? Yet in spite of it all…….I’m SO deeply grateful to my creator…. for…. because of my reference points …I can take so much pleasure in every single blessing of life. There’s not a moment of God’s grace that escapes me:-) The morning sunshine….my clothes from Goodwill and Walmart….I am frequently filled with great joy and appreciation for these things. And I’m really, really grateful for that! Deeply and sincerely grateful! How much is THAT perspective worth!
            Cheers!

            Liked by 1 person

  17. Thumbup says:

    Oh god! They better not be going around smelling me!

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Anna says:

    Thanks for this post. Like button will not upload on my ipad, so I press “like” this way instead 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I wish I would’ve read this article when I was still in a long-term, abusive relationship, although, I’m sure I would’ve read it and decided it didn’t apply to the abusive man I was with or to myself. 😕 Great writing!

    Liked by 1 person

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