Victim-shaming and blaming.

victim-shaming

Credit: Healing from Complex Trauma and PTSD

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About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
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18 Responses to Victim-shaming and blaming.

  1. Ruby says:

    I hate that victim blaming thing. It’s got the mentality of, “If you wouldn’t complain, then, there wouldn’t be a problem.” Also, the defending of the perp with, he or she “Just wouldn’t do that.” If you are a victim and have a psych diagnosis, forget it. You often times won’t be believed.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. katiesdream2004 says:

    I imagine that quite a few people singing that song “don’t be a victim” are narcissists. I once confronted my eternal self-pitying narc mother about some gossip she spread about me that came back to me. It was a damaging lie, her reply to that was “oh you are the world’s greatest victim” in that mocking voice. She used that line from then on to shut down any conversations about “why did you do that mom?” Then she used that line to my siblings “here’s the victim”.

    The hypocrisy is that she claimed victim when she was actually the perpetrator. I’ve seen incredible bullies that claimed they were the victims. This is why I get nervous when people say that narcissists always blame other people. In the scapegoats life, if you correctly identify that you were set up to fail, then you are accused of being a “blamer”. The gaslight of it is that you were absolutely set up to fail while the world is screaming that what happened to you is all just your own bad choices. Abused nearly to death and then blamed for the impacts of the abuse. Its social gaslighting and projecting.

    Lastly I want to say as well, that I had a partner for 8 years that absolutely knew how to claim victim when he was perpetrator. He knew how lost little boy would get him sugar mommas and used that ploy all the time to exploit and steal from people. He literally stole anything that wasn’t nailed down and was so good at it he could talk his victims into believing that they gave him the item they just didn’t remember doing it. So… I’ve seen narcs pull the victim card, I’ve seen narcs insult true victims with the snarky “quit being a victim”. There is a lot of landmines around that word and narcs set them up

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      100% this. My mother never played victim, she was the type of narc who never showed any emotions (except rage) and rarely even fake empathy and god forbid, never self pity. She was WAY too “good” for THAT. But you could still tell she was miserable. A healthy person doesn’t act the way she did, a heathy person doesn’t have all that hate and anger that seethes out under a fake smile. Yes, they absolutely set you up to fail and then BLAME you because you did. WHAT DO THEY WANT????? Why do they do it? I’m still trying to wrap my brain around why. I don’t get it.

      They did acknowledge the abuse of my ex, but I actually blame them more than my abusive ex, because if it weren’t for the way I was programmed, I never would have been attracted to someone like him in the first place. I was programmed to be drawn to narcissists who would continue to try to kill my soul. He didn’t destroy me, because I was already destroyed at the time I met him.

      They always talk about “choices.” Oh, ______ makes bad choices, that’s why her life is a mess.” They refuse to take ANY responsibility for my inability to make it as a normal adult. To them, I just made bad choices. I don’t deny that, but I made them because I couldn’t help making them because I was programmed to make them. I was set up from the time I was a child. And they will never, ever acknowledge that or admit it.

      In therapy, I’m working to understand this mess, the set up, and try to undo it. Obviously I have to do it myself. I have to be my own nurturing parent, with God’s help. There’s no other choice now. But it sure would be nice if I could go back in time and make them understand and make them change. Not gonna happen though.

      Liked by 1 person

      • katiesdream2004 says:

        The ironic thing about the “bad choice” projection on a narcissistic abuse victim is that the golden child sibling can be making all sorts of bad choices, worse choices in fact, but get bailed out. My brother golden child, because of his narc entitlement and lack of empathy got in trouble with the law on occasions; had some affairs, beat some people up, but got out of any blame for it because it was always other’s fault. his affairs were his wife’s fault for not being attentive, and the other women’s fault for being hussies.

        He had the money to hire good lawyers. Then because he is male, he was given the family business, the tools to make it work, the financial backing and lots of support. He beat someone up, it was the other person’s fault and they asked for it. I got beat up by a spouse I was asked “what did you do to provoke that”. I learned to keep that part of my life secret and like narc abuse survivors was groomed to be an abuse victim all my life until I finally figured out the math that I didn’t deserve it

        The golden child turns around and says I”m successful because God blessed me because I’m a righteous person.” Meanwhile, my disability caused by so much physical abuse it finally left permanent injuries is called a “bad choice” on my part. He had 3 houses, 2 of them empty while I went homeless after brain surgery because I couldn’t keep my job from the impairment the surgery left. His comment “go get a job at McDonalds” (when I have a masters degree I got with absolutely no help from family) and I was vomiting so much from after post-surgery headaches I couldn’t work…..

        My poverty is blamed on my poor choices, he’s made for more than I have…. Why they do it? I’m finally coming to the conclusion they do it because they enjoy it. I recognise finally that it was pleasure of my mother’s face when she saw me suffer especially if my siblings caused it. I remember her saying repeatedly “I’m not sure why your brother hates you, but he really hates your guts” I think she liked seeing the hurt on my face when she said it. If he hated me she instigated it.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m thinking too now that the narcs get so much satisfaction out of seeing the scapegoat fail, who is set up to fail, is because it reinforces their delusion, and that makes things ‘right’ in their world. They knew they were right about us.

          If the scapegoat represents all of the narcs shortcomings, and they believe us to be them(the bad them), then watching us fail proves their point to themselves, that they were indeed right about us(when it was never about us to begin with).

          I think the delusion part of it, is the part that is not their fault. They can’t help being delusional. THEY need meds to correct that. But I swear, it’s more than that. They have a mean streak too that I don’t think the scapegoats have. If the delusional part of it was corrected, would that make them nice people as well? I doubt it. There would still be a problem.

          Liked by 2 people

          • luckyotter says:

            I think you’re right about this. They are deluded. I think they really believe what they believe, they’ve been lying to themselves so long they don’t even know they’re lying. They probably even think what they’re doing is the right thing.

            The problem with narcs becoming “nice people” is that most have zero self-awareness, or even if they are self-aware, they think they’re just fine the way they are and it’s everyone else who has the problem. Some low level narcissists may not like the way they are and actually be willing to work on changing for the better, but that ain’t my family. They will never change.

            Liked by 1 person

            • When I say delusional, I mean the narcs actually confuse themselves with other people, like seeing the scapegoat as the bad parts of them, to them, we are the bad them(Maybe I’m wrong about that, I don’t know). It’s like they think it, and then want to see their thoughts come true and so it’s made to happen, the set-up to fail. Once it plays out, they can say, “I knew it,” to themselves. I don’t know if that makes any sense.

              Liked by 2 people

            • luckyotter says:

              Yes, I know what you mean. They project their own bad qualities (or the ones they reject in themselves) onto their scapegoats. My mother always rejected weakness and sensitivity and always wanted to appear as strong and invincible to others. She saw that I was a different kind of person, a sensitive, artistic child who tended to be a loner and deemed me as weak and over-sensitive. But inside, she is incredibly sensitive (you cannot ever criticize her or there will be hell to pay) but will never acknowledge this. She just projects it onto me and vilifies me for it. There are other things too. My ex did this as well, projecting his narcissism onto me, accusing me of being the most self-centered person in the universe and a terrible mother, when actually those descriptions fit him to a tee.
              Projection is one of the things they do best. But they’re so deluded they don’t even know they’re lying about themselves or about you.

              Liked by 1 person

          • katiesdream2004 says:

            Yes! The mean streak of narcissists is something not many scapegoats have. They need the meds but they are the ones pushing them on their victims!

            Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          I was raised as an only child, so I was in the crazymaking role of serving as BOTH scapegoat and golden child. I think it’s even worse than being a scapegoat only, because you never know where you stand–you can’t predict ANYTHING. It makes you truly nuts.

          When I “failed” to be a success (to my parents, material success and status means everything), make a ton of money, have a successful career, etc. etc. and failed to leave my abusive ex when they deemed I should (but I had nowhere to go for a long time and was scared), I was deemed a “loser” and now I’m just a scapegoat and was pretty much shunned by my family even before I went NC with them. I know she talks about me behind my back, about what a loser and fuckup I am and that I deserve nothing and that I never learn and keep making the same mistakes over and over. As far as I know, I have no redeeming qualities as far as they are concerned. They don’t value the good qualities I do have, because those are seen as “weak” qualities–or they deny or downplay them. I’ve heard what’s said about me from other family members. I have no reason to think they would lie.

          You never really get over the rejection, but I’m reaching a point where I no longer care what they think and am tired of hiding who I am. My values are pretty much diametrically opposed to theirs (I find their worship of crass individualism, no-holds-barred capitalism, and lack of empathy for the vulnerable people in society–ESPECIALLY using their elitist, right wing values to demonize their OWN CHILD–beyond morally repugnant) but I’m not sure if they became diametrically opposed because I rebelled, or whether I was always like this and that’s why I was turned against (because I couldn’t change who I was). I tend to think it’s the latter. It was a VERY bad fit for someone like me, but I sure have learned a lot in the past couple of years!

          I’ll take a look at your blog post about shame.

          Liked by 1 person

          • katiesdream2004 says:

            That would be crazy making absolutely. I’m working through the “shaming” that left such a mark on me by them. Shame is a powerful narc tool of destruction, oddly they are shameless. I just blogged about breaking free of the shame, I have a long, long way to go.

            I have a real shame trigger, mine got tweaked today randomly and revealed the narcs still have some prison bars around me. But, those bars bend when you know the truth about them…. We can be free, it takes time. yes, my narcs were extremely Capitalistic Its a good thing to not fit in with narcs! And as you learn you help the community around you learn, I’ve learned a ton since I started reading your blog

            Liked by 1 person

            • luckyotter says:

              Thank you. That means a lot. Shaming is the most powerful tool they have. They instill shame in you and you can’t escape it because you begin to internalize it. You develop this The Inner Critic and that Inner Critic just continues the abuse. Then you start to abuse yourself. It’s as if their voices continue to live inside your head and it destroys your self esteem. I’ working to break free of that Inner critic that makes me so scared of everything, never taking any risks, and being so ashamed of who I really am just because it doesn’t fit with my parents’ worldview of what I should be.

              I have a doozy of a post I’m putting up later tonight. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking abut shame, self pity, and self compassion. There are some important differences.

              Liked by 1 person

  3. Ruby says:

    I for one would like to see more people stand up for the victim, or at least investigate the complaint, or keep a watchful eye that it doesn’t happen again.

    Liked by 1 person

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