NPD mother.

matchingoutfits

I read this post on City-Data.com tonight,  and this sounds so much like my mother it’s not even funny.    Even the time frame seems to be the same.

There is a difference though. My mother wasn’t above taking me to Sears, J.C Penny’s etc. to buy MY clothes, while she always shopped at Lord and Taylor’s for her own. Later, when we moved to New York, she bought her clothing at Bloomingdale’s but mine always came from Alexander’s (closed in 1992).    Not that I minded (I didn’t care), but it’s interesting that I always got the “low rent” stuff.

As for the hairbands mentioned in this post, my mother always bought me elastic ones.     At least they came in different colors.  I doubt she would have bought me a glittery plastic hairband either if I had asked for one, although she probably would have let me wear one and griped about it endlessly.   I remember she went nuts when I bought some pale blue nail polish and little decals to stick on my nails because of how “unnatural” and “tacky” it was, but she didn’t make me take it off.  When I was around 5 or 6, she  was also into those “mother and daughter” matching outfits that were so popular in the mid-196os.  Perfect for creating a mini-me to perfectly mirror the narc mother’s impeccable taste.

 

glitter_hairband

I was an extension of my mother. And I reflected her beauty and taste.
I grew up in the 1960s and 1970s and attended public schools. But my sisters and I looked as though we were “high society” – but you wouldn’t know it.

While my friend’s parents bought their clothes at Sears, Penny’s or even Macy’s; my mother pronounced those stores as “common” – pretty much her absolute worst word for anything.

She took us to Lord and Taylor, B. Altman, and Bonwit Teller. Frequently, the suburban branches were not deemed “good enough”, so we were made to drive an hour into NYC to buy triplicate Scottish wool kilts or velvet portrait collar dresses for Christmas day.

Same with the dentist! She didn’t like the shape of my lateral incisors, and they were capped in 6th grade!

As with everything though, there was a dark side to all of this.

I really wanted to wear a plastic hair band in the summer. Some were pearly and others were glittery. I thought they were “beautiful”, I was seven and I liked things that sparkled! Everyone in my neighborhood and my day camp had them in many different colors!

She wouldn’t let me get one. Not one. I mean it was a hair band and not a tattoo! It was a fad one Summer forty years ago.

She did relent about hair bands towards the middle of the Summer and bought me a tortoise shell one. It was drab. It was tasteless. It didn’t stand out on my head the way the wonderful glittery ones and lavender pearl ones did.

Worse, for a seven year old, no props from my friends. They thought it was ugly.

I took it into the woods and snapped it in half.

One afternoon she asked what happened to “that thing that you forced me to buy for your hair”.

I told her that I’d lost it. Her reply “thank God”, followed by a snicker that confirmed that she was lacking in any empathy at all.

 

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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48 Responses to NPD mother.

  1. This is sad. A mother lacking in empathy for her daughter.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. ibikenyc says:

    Whew.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hm, well I guess there’s some perks to having a father for a narcissist as opposed to a mother for one. (Sarcasm and a little humor…very little. lol)

    We also weren’t wealthy so no one was wearing those fancy things. In fact my mother sewed. One big thing I regret is not learning how myself from her.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yesterday I was reading Nina Brown’s book, Children of the Self-Absorbed, and I took the quiz to determine where your parents fall on the narcissism scale. To my shock, both of my parents scored very high on the scale. I guess I never thought of my dad as “that bad,” because he wasn’t as abusive as my momster. But he actually scored 1 point higher than her. Yikes.

      Liked by 3 people

    • luckyotter says:

      My mother sewed too. She actually MADE us her own mother-daughter dresses.

      Liked by 1 person

    • ibikenyc says:

      Mine sewed, too, pretended to encourage me to do the same, actually LET ME go for professional lessons (in the basement of the Singer store; anyone else remember those?), and then (short version) yanked it all out from under me in what I only just a few months ago learned was a MASTERPIECE of Narcissistic GOTCHA.

      Liked by 2 people

      • luckyotter says:

        I went to one of those SInger classes too! I was terrible at sewing, but I liked the trim-the rick rack and all that edging stuff.

        Liked by 1 person

        • ibikenyc says:

          The one I went to was on 63rd Drive in Rego Park, across Queens Boulevard from Alexander’s.

          I STILL love to look at all those trims! The feathers! The sequins! The glitter! The rhinestones! WHEEEEEE!

          Liked by 1 person

      • Ouch! That is so wrong. 😦

        Liked by 2 people

        • ibikenyc says:

          Thanks for your kind words.

          The other thing I realized recently is that at the time it happened, I wasn’t even surprised.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Sad. We become acclimated to the pattern. Were you disappointed even though you weren’t surprised?

            Liked by 1 person

            • ibikenyc says:

              What a thoughtful question!

              Huh.

              Ya know what? I don’t think I have (consciously) felt one quark of disappointment about ANYthing since I was, oh, nine years old:

              After a while, even a kid learns to take a hint.

              Liked by 2 people

            • Maybe learned to numb your emotions. (?)

              Liked by 1 person

            • ibikenyc says:

              I remember very consciously deciding I was gonna MAKE MYSELF be Too Cool To Care, now that I’m on it.

              Thank you very much, Tiger; I’d forgot about this, and it’s really significant!

              (THEY CAN ALL “GO STRAIGHT TO HELL, BOY!”)

              Liked by 3 people

            • luckyotter says:

              Let ’em burn! 👿

              Liked by 1 person

            • ibikenyc says:

              Quoting Joe Strummer & Company, there!

              Liked by 1 person

            • Yeah, it’s weird how we can ‘just decide’ to feel a certain way when we’re so young. I think it’s because our survival depends on it.

              You’re welcome. I didn’t do much, just gave you a small nudge. It always helps me to come to the realization of something I didn’t see before.

              I hope you’re Ok.

              Liked by 2 people

            • ibikenyc says:

              Aww; how nice. Thank you for saying so!

              I was, additionally, THE person about whom that bumper sticker “You’re Ugly, and Your Mother Dresses You Funny” was written. I had a lot of very compelling reasons to wanna be cool and/or disappear entirely.

              Found out only within the past maybe year or so that she was a Narc, and as chilling as that discovery has been, it was SO NICE to have EVERY SINGLE THING just slide and click into place with that nice, heavy, solid, VALIDATING ka-thunk.

              I am okayer since than at any time before.

              The reason I always felt as though I’d got (as I think of it) Thrown Up (as opposed to having Been Raised) and abandoned when half-baked is that OMG I HAD!

              Liked by 1 person

            • I know what that catharsis is like. It really made much of the ruminating questions go away for me.

              For me it was mostly about my sister, or a significant other. How can she…? Why would he…?

              “Oh yeah! He’s a narcissist…She’s a narcissist.” Is really all that needs to be said and all those other questions as to their behavior and treatment of others is pretty much answered. Done. No more ruminating.

              Liked by 2 people

            • ibikenyc says:

              Sorry for taking so long to get back to you.

              Glad you’re over the ruminating. Thanks for a little hope!

              I’m still not there, at least with Mr. Happy. I am annoyed mostly at myself these days for BEING SO DENSE ABOUT THIS WHY DO I EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE WHICH PART DON’T I GET?!

              Even so, I know it’s “just” a habit I haven’t yet broken.

              Liked by 1 person

            • Ha! No I’m not completely over it either. I pretty much meant in the moment. It helps to stop the ruminating at the time I catch myself doing it.

              I still have issues with reliving and then ruminating about what I’d wished I’d said in quite a few situations, when it comes to my family or an ex.

              Like

  4. When my twin sisters were toddlers in the early 1960s, my mother had matching yellow mother-daughter dresses for the three of them. That looked really creepy.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Susan says:

    I searched my e mail search term “mothers” and lucky otters haven.. to see where to post this. I know we discuss mothers often ! this was only one though that came up in MY email.
    I couldn’t believe this I found this morning
    this is the WORST kind of narc mother! the kind that , takes her grandchildren away from their mother! (her own daughter) and when the daughter is homeless and has NOWHERE TO GO, her mother TAKES her children and doesn’t let HER,her own daughter stay with her!!
    you can see it ALL in minutes 11-17! (skip to 11 to see mothers introduction) oh my GOD.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I’ll check that link Susan, thank you.

      Like

      • Susan says:

        thank you! let me know what you think of that mother! minutes 11-17 mostly.. she is one of “those” I cant believe she let her daughter have no place to stay and yet took her daughter’s kids in… I hear of this often . (even parents taking CUSTODY and then not allowing their child to see their own children!) when their child is homeless down out and NOT on drugs or in trouble with the law or anything like that!
        also I just enjoy youtube for posting flashbacks from the 80’s and 90’s such as talk shows!:)!

        Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          I will watch it later. There was something called “throwaway kids”–I was one, kicked out of the house at age 17 — I wasn’t particularly bad, not on drugs, but my mother just decided she didn’t want me around anymore. To be fair, we did fight constantly, but that’s another story for another time. I wasn’t THAT bad. i had to move in with my dad, who was living with his gf at the time and didn’t want me either
          Years later, my mother told me to “go become a nun” when I was faced with homelesness or to live in a shelter. What kind of mother tells their own daughter that? Mine does.
          Oh, and she found my # and called me tonight. :/ I got off the phone quick but I still can’t just TELL her to leave me alone. She scares me still.

          Like

          • Susan says:

            😦 awww I feel that part,she scares you still. I still am not over mine also tellingme to live in a homeless shelter! which would be inner city Baltimore… as we lived in an affluent suburb well outside of Baltimore! but that was the nearest. she acted TRULY and HIGHLY personally offended and INSULTED when I said I wouldn’t CALL her from this homeless shelter I was supposed to go to (while her house had three floors and TWO empty rooms ) she was like ,(super angry crying shaking tone) “you wouldn’t call me from the shelter?” in all SERIOUSNESS like SHE was stabbed!
            I NEVER got that or over it ever.
            its like a delusion I must be having, surreal… too much like a bad dream. WAY TOO SCARY. I understand totally.
            I was only even telling her I “might” have to go to a shelter in fear pain and sadness in HOPES she would let me stay with her…rather than with with abusive ex… and that was all she really could say.
            my ex became more and more abusive….as a “result” (he knew my situation)
            these things CANT be understood. almost as if they seem to be INVALID to LIFE.

            Liked by 1 person

            • luckyotter says:

              Your mother sounds like a nut case. Narcissistic injury because you wouldn’t call her from the HOMELESS SHELTER she told you to go to? wtf, indeed. So deluded.

              Like

          • Susan says:

            also I had the same situation.. no drugs,no sex,. not a bad kid. just all that fighting and arguing (which is of course our fault,just throw us off to ‘society'(shelters etc)
            unbelievable
            my brothers stole cars ,did and sold drugs and much more..and they got asked to lunch and dinner out!
            but I just “fought and argued” and that’s too much to take. it was our MOUTHS. our talking back and being upset.

            Liked by 1 person

  6. Susan says:

    its the mothers (grandmother’s fault!) and she is bashing her daughter! she turned them(the sons) against her and hid her Christmas gifts etc etc…the main thing is her daughter said “you wouldn’t let me stay with you!!”
    that right there …. I know that all too well.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Susan says:

    why did her mother say as a stab “there is a difference between birthing a child and being a mother”
    when she is not being this “mother” to her own daughter!?
    she is being that to the grandsons! in ORDER to HURT her daughter!! its soooo clear.
    damn

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Susan says:

    Yeah, it’s weird how we can ‘just decide’ to feel a certain way when we’re so young. I think it’s because our survival depends on it. said above, I am unable to reply to her… I think about this everyday..about the survival.. its why flashbacks about our childhoods are like these starkly EDITED movies in clips and fragments… I keep obsessing now at an almost unhealthy level about the “GOOD” times I created.. I play them over and over in my head as a comfort.. I cant reconcile.. the JOY say of that easter basket in the morning that make your eyes light up and your soul jump….or playing with my brothers..all the NORMAL yet highly joyous times of life… coinciding with abuse,name calling a slap a beating in the SAME day…….so why NOW am I intently replaying all the good times now at this age.. its like I do it for dear life! I try to se ehear feel touch smell everything about the GOOD times… KNOWING mentally..that the bad was at the same time..
    I edit it out totally…is that delusional? like wanting to believe it was all good” id never do that!
    but I have a NEED for INTENSE nostalgia.. of my favorite memories…to the point I want to cry and die and give my soul to go back to it knowing what it was also like….how?
    someone actually told me in the afterlife or astral realm we only replay the good… for ourselves at will..on purpose and its ok
    but some also said the astral realm has soul vampires .. that feed off of negative. sounds just like real life
    basically its a torturous painful realization for me to come to the conclusion that if I COULD go back to my most joyful times, id also have to take the abusive family with it and I say no…
    that means they literally killed me/took my life
    what is left? making joyful times now cmon I cant leave my joy behind or my child self behind so to speak that’s asking too much to erase BOTH past and present…
    what kind of child says “ok to relive all the great times I will take that also?”
    I am just confused a sit always seems to be these people are not sorry and they themselves say “aha” you gotta take us too
    what kind of lifeform is that???
    I believe God creates your movie without them if they are that stubborn
    do any of you with abuse obsessively delve deep into your memories holding on tight to the awesome times?
    its just that I feel disconnected from “her” in the happiness
    maybe as an adult I am looking back and saying how> ? how eere you so happy in a warzone?
    I was an unusually jovial person… IN the MIDST of abuse… but like commenter above says.. to cope..to survive.. im shocked…………
    I even went hunting for yearbooks tonight
    I have a great need to go through these memories..only good ones…and say wow that was my life…there was a LOT of good…
    I am not creating any new memories now. I am just existing.

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