Nothing much to say.

nothingtosay

My daughter broke up with her boyfriend (the engagement has been off a few weeks) and she and her dad (my ex) are going to get an apartment. I worry about that, because it seems like he is freeloading off her the way he used to freeload off of me.  He uses her guilt and  feelings of duty to him to get what he needs from her.    She has a good job and seems fairly happy, and he isn’t abusive to her in the same way he was to me (he doesn’t dare and he’s too ill now anyway) but I still worry because that’s not much of a life for an almost 23 year old.  She seems incapable of maintaining a relationship for too long because she grows bored once the limerence wears off.

Sometimes I worry that she’s going to wind up being  one of those dutiful adult daughters who never marries or has a family of her own but devotes the prime years of her adulthood caring for her aging parent, in this case one who she has a very codependent relationship with and manipulates her to get his way.   I don’t want him to devour her soul, but ultimately it’s her choice.  She knows it’s not a very healthy relationship and she’s a codependent sort of person, but she loves him and feels like it’s her duty “because he has no one else.”

She’s spending a few days at my place, but she has to sleep on the couch because my housemate has the other bedroom.

I saw my therapist tonight and I wasted time talking about everything but my feelings.

Other than that, I don’t have anything else to write about tonight.

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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7 Responses to Nothing much to say.

  1. S says:

    It’s not possible he was partly responsible for the demise of her relationship is it? I’m just putting that out there because narc mothers will do that. Maybe a father would? I don’t know. Could your daughter compromise somehow and keep it all going? Live independently but visit her dad and date the bf? Or live with her dad but maybe he gets a part-time HHA so she can have a social life? I don’t know, you know the situation best, but, just dropping it all and moving in with dad doesn’t sound like she is keeping enough of the bases covered.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      It’s very possible, though I’m not sure in what manner that would have happened. She does have a history of growing bored in her relationships, not sure if her had anything to do with it. She’s still young though. I’m in no rush to see her marry or have kids and neither is she. But it’s just a pattern I’ve noticed. I think she’d always put her father ahead of any relationship, and he’d probably make her choose if push came to shove. I want to see her go to college, since it’s paid for until she’s 26, but that’s her own choice too.
      I hope and pray she sees the light while she’s still young, not in her 50s like me. I’ve tried to educate her about narcissistic abuse, and she understands it and knows on an intellectual level that he’s using and manipulating her, but her sense of guilt and duty overrides all of that. I think she has to “get it” on an emotional level, or reach a point where she simply says “enough is enough.”

      Like

      • S says:

        “Her sense of guilt and duty” There’s a blog out there somewhere called Out Of The Fog or something like that. F=fear, O=obligation, G=guilt. I definitely hear the guilt and obligation part going on. Duty and obligation are pretty much the same. I worry too even though I’m just a commenter here, it’s true, being older we do have a wisdom that younger folks don’t have. It’s never wise to put all your eggs in one basket.

        Also it’s like on the airplane, they always say for the adult to put on their oxygen mask before the child’s. It’s great helping others but be obligated to yourself too or the whole ship could go under.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    As a parent I have a lot of empathy for your tough position. I suppose I could say that, if you feel that you raised your daughter well and she has a good head on her shoulders, then trust she can and will make good choices.

    Liked by 2 people

    • hbsuefred says:

      She’s only 23, for Pete’s sake. Way too young to make a lifelong commitment to another person, which is what an engagement and especially a marriage should be. She has a whole life ahead of her and has hopefully learned from her mom that she needs to find her happiness in her own skin/head first!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. annj49 says:

    That was rather a lot to say for someone who had “nothing” to say 😉
    Thanks for sharing your love and your concerns for your daughter….. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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