You.

Pointing_Finger (1)

You know who you are. I know you read this blog. But no one held a gun to your head telling you you had to read it. You actively sought it out. Your anger is unfounded because:

1. Every word I said about you is true. But by all means, keep telling yourself that lie that I am the problem.
2. I never used any real names, not even my own.
3. It didn’t have to be that way.
4. People who do the kinds of things you did to a child deserve to be called out on it.
5. I’m becoming a better person in spite of what happened to me, and maybe even because of it.
6. Adversity breeds wisdom.
7. This is my blog and I can’t be censored by you or your kind anymore.
8. I am going to die a happy and fulfilled person in spite of being so crippled emotionally.
9. No one held a gun to your head telling you to read this blog. Sometimes if you stick your nose where it doesn’t belong, it might get bit off.

Since you stopped by, let me make your visit worth it by sharing a song that reminds me of you.

 

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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16 Responses to You.

  1. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    Is this post a result of something specific?!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Diana says:

    Raw, beautiful and TRUE…… I so relate to you!   

    Liked by 1 person

  3. katiesdream2004 says:

    Yes to the freedom to call evil what it is! If a victim of a Narcissistic family resists abuse and names it and calls it out, the Narcissists project shame and reproach. It is just another way the scapegoat bears their shame of a soul-destroying evil system. I’m now no contact with my remaining family because they never stopped making me the family scapegoat. I went no contact because I finally understood I had the right to peace in my life. Peace would never happen with those shame mongering tyrants in my life. My former misguided sense of ” we must not air family dirty laundry, it is dishonorable” is replaced with the truth that the shame and dishonor is all theirs.
    This last few months I looked in my mirror and said “you have a right to joy” . Joy is an act of resistance!” I prayed for joy because I didn’t know how to have it and live in it. No contact helped clear the fog of their deceptions about who I really am that was a beginning step toward joy.
    Now I go out of my house daily and find free things to do instead of hiding. Because I’m poverty stricken it has to be free but there are a lot of free great things to do. I post pictures on facebook of me having a happy and good time. While none of my siblings are “friends” I know they check on me hoping to see me post sad and broken and desperate posts. Instead I’m expressing abundant happiness which I understand eats at them. They wish misery for me. Despite their great wealth and their pompous displays of it, I have the thing they cannot have; peace of mind and conscience and increasing joy. Joy as an act of resistance to those messages of worthlessness is beginning to really change my environment too.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      This is good. Joy is something we need but can’t have if we’re in an active relationship with a narcissistic abuser. They won’t let us have it. If we do, they’ll destroy it for us.
      I have moments of joy now–fleeting, but they’re getting more frequent. True joy that comes from within. I’ve prayed for joy and peace too. Therapy helps, so does blogging and so does God. As bad as things were, narcissists can be our tough teachers. If we use the lessons we learned, we can become stronger and help others who suffered in a similar way become stronger. That’s how I prefer to look at it these days, anyway–that the difficult people and narcs who come into our lives come into it for a reason-to teach us something. But we have to go through so much pain first, don’t we?

      Liked by 2 people

      • katiesdream2004 says:

        Absolutely agree with you on this. At one time I was married to a batterer and heard someone say “there is no recovery if you are being abused’ I realized I was never going to get a life that I liked and remember who I really was as long as I kept getting physically and emotional beaten, That was a great aha moment and I began to find a way out. Still, I remained in the orbit of the family narcissists that kept knocking down every step I made toward a stable life. Its only been this year that I understood they may not give me black eyes but I was never going to recover any real hope if I stayed in their orbit too. I didn’t grasp that they hated my stability I disproved their lies so they’d find ways to destroy it. I finally saw the truth that they were invested in my destruction. After almost 10 months of just being numb and sleeping a lot after no-contact with the narcissist therapist sister, its only now that inklings of joy are coming back. So yes, joy waits when we unload the heavy burden of these humans off our backs whose goal is to create havoc and pain

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Lady Quixote/Linda Lee says:

    That song on the music video is very moving. I looked up the lyrics:

    Because Of You
    By Kelly Clarkson

    I will not make
    The same mistakes that you did
    I will not let myself
    Cause my heart so much misery
    I will not break
    The way you did, you fell so hard
    I’ve learned the hard way
    To never let it get that far

    Because of you
    I never stray too far from the sidewalk
    Because of you
    I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
    Because of you
    I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
    Because of you I am afraid
    I lose my way

    And it’s not too long before you point it out
    I cannot cry
    Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
    I’m forced to fake
    A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
    My heart can’t possibly break
    When it wasn’t even whole to start with

    I watched you die
    I heard you cry every night in your sleep
    I was so young
    You should have known better than to lean on me
    You never thought of anyone else
    You just saw your pain
    And now I cry in the middle of the night
    For the same damn thing

    Because of you
    Because of you
    Because of you I am afraid

    Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
    Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

    Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
    Because of you
    I don’t know how to let anyone else in
    Because of you
    I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
    Because of you I am afraid

    Because of you

    Songwriters: BEN MOODY, DAVID HODGES, KELLY CLARKSON
    © EMI Music Publishing, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
    For non-commercial use only.
    Data from: LyricFind

    Liked by 3 people

    • luckyotter says:

      Thank you so much for posting these lyrics. I think they are very relatable for those of us who had narcissistic parents and have disorders because of it. I read that Kelly wrote this song when her parents divorced when she was 16.
      Music can make me cry when nothing else can. I think it’s because it’s somehow “safer” to feel emotions when they’re somewhat removed from myself. I can cry at movies too.
      Whenever I need to have a good cry, music can get the waterworks going. Today, this song made me bawl. It felt good. I related that cry to my own situation and I felt like I was grieving for my own lost childhood and lost self.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lady Quixote/Linda Lee says:

        You are welcome. I had never heard this song before, but i relate a lot to the words, especially to these 4 lines:

        “I was so young
        You should have known better than to lean on me
        You never thought of anyone else
        You just saw your pain”

        That’s so true in my case, too! I mean, what in the hell did my momster think would happen when I was 12 years old and she sat me down and told me about her plan to gas us all to death????

        I think I need to take the dog for a good long walk now.

        Liked by 2 people

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