23 things I hate about my life.

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It’s time for a little shameless self pity.

I’m actually not in a negative mood right now, but I was yesterday for awhile and I desperately wanted to vent. It’s great to try to be positive and look at the bright side of things, but to deny the shit in our lives is like denying that sometimes you just have to get it out, whether it’s emotional shit or the other kind. Holding it in is bad for you.

So I’m getting it all out here right now and then moving on.

1. I hate the fact I’m over 50 and make poverty level wages. Being poor does seem to be a common complaint among those of us who were trained to be victims by narcissistic families. We just never learned how to navigate the world and lack the confidence to do it very well.

2. I hate the fact I have a job that has nothing to do with what I really love and don’t really know how I can parlay writing into a career.

3. I hate that I love the beach, live so far away from it, and can’t afford to go. I haven’t been to the beach in six years.

4. I hate the fact I want to date again but am terrified of that prospect too. I don’t want to die alone but worry no one would want to stay with me.

5. I hate the fact I have no health insurance and can’t afford to buy any. I don’t qualify for Obamacare because my income is too low and this state won’t allow me to get Medicaid. We do have a free medical clinic in town but I hate the condescending way they treat you there.

6. I sometimes wonder why the hell I ever moved to this state, although it’s really not so bad.

7. I hate the way I acted when I was younger and cringe in embarrassment and shame thinking about it sometimes. I want to divorce my younger self sometimes and pretend she never existed, even though I know that to heal, I need to make peace with her and learn to love her.

8. Sometimes I feel like a huge loser in life. Of course this idea has been drummed into me by my narcs and I’ve internalized it. It’s not an easy belief to let go of.

9. I hate the fact I sometimes doubt my faith.

10. I hate the way I sometimes still hurt people without meaning to.

11. I hate feeling like I’m always guilty of something and always have to apologize.

12. I hate that I’m so socially awkward that people sometimes think I’m daft. Having hearing issues on top of Aspergers and Avoidant PD sure doesn’t help with this.

13. I hate how fair I am. I can’t tan anymore (I could as a child and teenager) but at least I don’t have wrinkles.

14. I hate that I had an abortion and never got to meet the son I would have had (it was male and would have been born in March or April of 1999 so he’d be 16 now). At the time I didn’t feel like I had a choice.

15. I hate the fact I spent three months in a mental hospital in 1996 and at the time didn’t take the DBT training very seriously. I kept the books and do now though.

16. I hate the fact I wasted my young adult years chasing men and obsessing over finding the perfect man instead of focusing on my education and training for a real career in journalism.

17. I hate the fact I don’t have any close friends IRL. I won’t let anyone get close to me because I’m afraid if they found out too much about me they would hate me.

18. I hate the fact my family of origin sucked and have never been supportive of me or loved me unconditionally and judge me so harshly.

19. I hate the fact my family thinks my mental disorders are just an excuse and take no interest in them or why I have them.

20. When push comes to shove, I still can’t say I’m really a very happy person. I’ve gotten better but I wonder if I’ll ever really be happy. I’m looking into getting a therapist.

21. I wish I had been a better mom when my kids were young. I still beat myself up over not having been there for them when they needed me most.

22. I hate that I haven’t seen my son in two years because he lives 700 miles away and I can’t afford to travel to see him.

23. I hate it that I still have so much trouble speaking up when I’ve been hurt or standing up for myself when my rights have been violated.

That felt kind of good.

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21 thoughts on “23 things I hate about my life.

  1. This is why I love your blog. I never know what you’re going to post next because you don’t have a one-track mind like most of us bloggers seem to have, and because your posts have such a level of honesty. Most of us barely scratch the surface of who we really are, but you go all the way down to the marrow of your bones. Just… wow. ❤

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  2. I always look out for your blog when I am up and about. This has been a tough battle this week and it is only Tuesday but what I am going to do, is do the opposite of my favourite otter…. I will do my favourite 23 things of life….. xx No, I am not condescending or ignoring yours, you touched my heart and I drooped, but will pick up with 23 things I love about Life. I ask you to do the same when you are ready xx

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  3. Is there any way you could alter your life to fit in some of the things you’d like to do, even if it’s just in a small way? (If not, fair enough!) I realised that I liked writing, so I asked a small magazine related to my studies if I could review a book for them. It turned out to be really dull 😀 , but it was a way of getting some writing out there. Maybe you could ask to write for a local magazine or send a comments piece to a newspaper, and start building up a writing portfolio? (I suggest these because they’re things I thought about doing.)
    It makes me sad to read that you think if people knew you, they wouldn’t like you. It may be true of some people: No one gets on with everyone! But I am sure that were you in a good position to socialise regularly people would like you very much! (That said, I share your fears about my own life.) I don’t know really. I hope you manage to achieve some of the things you want in your life.

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    • Thanks for the encouraging words and I’m ready to try some of these things. It’s getting in the pool that’s scary, but once you’re in it it’s not scary at all! Thank you.

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  4. Thank you so much for your blogs. I can relate very closely to what you write. I also feel your pain. Your writings are so like my life, it’s like looking at my own reflection in the mirror. You are able to express it so much better than I can. My thoughts seem to get all jumbed up when I try to put it into words. You are a confront, that I’m not alone with this. And an inspiration, that one day my thoughts will come together, so that I may some day write as well as you.

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  5. Pingback: 23 Things I Love About My Life | An Unscheduled Journey

    • It is amazing how years of abuse can brainwash you into feeling that you do not have the same rights to basic things, that your partner does….like simple choices.
      Input on where to live, what you can eat for dinner, whether or not you are allowed to eat dinner….

      The feeling that you are a real human being comes as a shock when the veil is lifted.

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  6. Every single one of these is the same for me except 5 of them. …5, 7, 13, 14, and 22.
    Although I did kind of have an abortion but it was an emergency DandC to stop profuse bleeding.
    I do wonder about that child and if I will ever see them.
    So we will say all but 4 and a half of these are the same.
    I felt like I was reading my own list. I sighed when you mentioned the beach….I can almost hear the ocean waves crashing….

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