Does your narcissist do this?

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no_empathy

There is something I noticed narcissists do, that is one of the most infuriating things about them. They seek to invalidate your experience or side with others who have hurt you, even if there’s no real reason for them to do this.

Here are some examples from real life:

You: “I don’t really like that person.”
Narcissist: “Well, *I* never had a problem with them.”

You: “I really like that person.”
Narcissist: “Well, *I* don’t!”

You: “I wish we got paid every week instead of every two weeks.”
Narcissist: “Well, it doesn’t bother *me*!”

You: “I’m so heartbroken since he left.”
Narcissist: “Well, if you had been more attentive he might have stayed!”

You: “I wish I had more friends.”
Narcissist: “Well, you’re not that easy to be around, you know.”

A great example of this is the way my mother used to act when I told her about a problem I was having at work. No matter what the situation, it was always my fault. One time I made the mistake of telling her I thought there was a lot of favoritism at my job and I was being passed over for promotions (a problem that’s familiar to me due to my avoidant/Aspie personality). Instead of getting sympathy or support, she shot back with, “Well, you must be doing something wrong. You’re not the most pleasant person to deal with, you know.” This sort of thing happened all the time. Everything bad that happened was ALWAYS somehow my fault. That’s how narcissists invalidate your experience and diminish you at the same time.

Another version of the same thing is if you object to one of their insults, they will accuse you of being too sensitive or having no sense of humor.

“I really take offense to what you just said.”
Narcissist: “Well, it was only a JOKE! Lighten up.” (usually what they said was not meant to be a joke, so this is a lie).

Narcissists will never offer support, encouragement, or comfort. They seek to demean you by never taking your side, even when there’s no reason not to. They like to be contrary just to be contrary and “keep you in your place.”

15 thoughts on “Does your narcissist do this?”

  1. Excellent post. I especially relate to what you said about your mother always blaming you for everything that went wrong in your life. My mother is exactly the same. When I was being bullied at school: “The problem must be YOU. The whole world can’t be wrong and you be right.” When my first marriage was falling apart and I was crying because my husband had told me he never did love me: “What makes you think you are so special that he should love you, anyway?” When my second marriage was falling apart: “The common denominator in your failed marriages is YOU.”

    Not only did my mother kick me when I was down by blaming me when my life was falling apart, she spoiled my few good times by predicting that my happiness would not last…a.d that it would be my fault. When I came home from a date at the age of 16 and excitedly told my mother that my boyfriend had asked me to marry him, she replied: “He only thinks he loves you because he doesn’t really know you. After he has lived with you for awhile and has gotten to know the real you, he won’t love you anymore.”

    After a lifetime of desperately trying to win my mother’s approval and love, I finally went No Contact when I was in my 50s and she was in her 70s. After a couple of years of me ignoring her, not calling, not writing, and not visiting, my mother got in her last licks by sending me a 60+ page hate letter telling me everything that was ever wrong with me throughout my entire life, going back to my earliest childhood. She also sent copies of that horrible letter to others in my family.

    They never change.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I can relate to this so much. Besides the invalidating/putting me down for everything that went wrong in my life, she also downplayed my achievements and goals exactly the way yours did before you went No Contact. Anytime I brought up something I wanted to do or try, she’d shoot it down with “reasons” why it was a bad idea, or tell me why something I’d achieved “didn’t really count.” It’s infuriating and made my self esteem almost non existent. And then to make matters even worse, she would blame me for my “bad” emotions–saying things like “your feelings are not my responsibility” or “you choose to feel that way” or accusing me of guilt-tripping her. I haven’t spoken to her in 3 years, though we do still exchange birthday and Christmas cards and I never *officially* went NC with her.
      No, they never change and never will. I am done trying to please someone who will never be pleased no matter what I do or don’t do.

      Liked by 2 people

      • It’s sad, isn’t it? All the love, all the shared good times that might have been, all wasted. And why? In my case, it seemed like my mother was extremely jealous. Any time that anyone paid the least bit of positive attention to me, even when I was a tiny toddler, you could almost see the jealousy radiating off of her.

        I don’t understand it. When my daughter was dating a NASCAR driver and traveling first class all around the country to his races, I was thrilled for her. Then when she was engaged to a wealthy banker and vacationing in Guam and Cancun and looking at property and drawing up plans to build their own mansion together, while my husband and I were living barely above poverty level, again I was nothing but happy for my daughter. And last year when my daughter and I stayed for over a week in the Beverly Hills home of a handsome actor friend of hers, while she was recovering from surgery, with me in my second hand clothes and her in her glam dresses, I was thrilled beyond words with all the flattering attention my daughter was getting, while “old mom” faded into the background. I couldn’t help thinking, though, about how different it would have gone, if my mom and I had been in that situation.

        I guess it’s normal to want to be the prettiest, most desired woman in the room and to feel a twinge of envy when you know you aren’t…. but not when it’s your own daughter. That is, not if you are a normal mom and actually love your child!

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        • Maybe this could be one of the 50 Shades…. aging mothers who are jealous of their young blossoming daughters.

          Liked by 1 person

        • I’ve always believed that if you have a child, they never stop being your child no matter how old they are. No, that doesn’t mean enabling or supporting them when they are perfectly capable of doing that themselves, but it does mean that when the chips are down and your child is struggling, the nice thing (though not required of course) is to offer to help in some way, even if it’s just emotional support or listening without judgment or condemnation.
          If either of my kids were struggling (and I had the means to do so) I would certainly give them a temporary place to stay or help them out of their situation. That’s not enabling; it’s love.

          It breaks my heart that my kids struggle so much with money (most Millennials in their 20s do because of the shitty economy that requires even college graduates like my son to work in the service industry–although as a server, his income is much better than most his age) and i can do nothing to help them this way. But I do listen and try to not judge. It’s all I can do–at least it’s something. Sometimes I wish I could do so much more when I see them struggle. But I can’t.

          My parents’ attitude about children is that once you are 18 or 21 you are an adult, on your own, and should not ask or need help from anyone. I certainly don’t and have never wanted them to support me (I would probably refuse it anyway) but it’s good to know the option is there if disaster strikes. And of course, on the flip side of the coin, society tells me that someone my age should be helping their parents in their old age, but that is impossible given that I can barely hold my own head above water. And they obviously don’t want my help anyway–they have others besides me to take care of their needs. As the designated black sheep and family “loser” I would never even be considered for the job anyway.

          When I was going through my divorce and struggles with joblessness and abject poverty, all I got was condescending, sappy “positive thinking” memes and articles in the mail. Not even a self help or psychology book–and my parents have never acknowledged or taken any interest whatsoever in the 3 mental disorders I have that sometimes have made my life so difficult and made it so hard for me to get ahead in life (because they seem unable to think deeply about anything). I was actually given the “advice” to look for a “homeless shelter” even though I had dependent children living with me at the time. Finally, a social worker spoke to my father and was able to convince him to help me pay for a small apartment where my kids could at least visit. Funny they would listen to a total stranger over their own daughter. My parents are of the increasingly common (and ugly) narcissistic mindset that if you want or need something, you are totally on our own and should expect no help (even from family), and if you fail, well it’s all your own fault and has nothing to do with the economy, unfair job practices, or other outside factors that make bare survival so difficult for so many people, even those who don’t suffer from mental illness.

          Even Hilary Clinton said “it takes a village to raise a child.” There’s a lot to be said for extended families and old-fashioned communities who help each other at any age. There is so little of that anymore in this age of crass individualism where financial and material “success” is seen as the ultimate virtue. No wonder everyone is so stressed and there is so much mental illness.

          That sort of attitude from your own family makes you feel unloved and like you have no value. So I realized I need to be my own loving parent. I have long given up trying to get blood out of a stone because all it does is depress and frustrate me, and anger them.

          Loving yourself can be achieved without a supportive and loving family, but it’s not easy to get over the dismally low sense of self worth they instill in you from an early age that makes you so prone to victimization both by individuals and organizations that see you as an easily taken advantage of “mark” because you lack the confidence to stand up for yourself or demand that your needs be met.

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          • I have found that the most generous people are typically those who have very little, or those who have gone through a time in life when they did not have enough. These people give because they know what it’s like to struggle for the basic necessities of life. They give because their struggles have taught them empathy and compassion.

            People who measure their self-worth by the size of their bank accounts are the greediest people I know. One such person asked me once where I had purchased an item and how much did I pay for it — I’ve forgotten what it was — and I told him I got it for a steal on eBay. I won it for the minimum starting bid, I explained, but because I knew the seller was losing money on the deal, after I received the item I sent an additional sum of money to the seller, more in keeping with the item’s worth.

            This guy looked at me like he thought I was crazy. He-he, it got worse when I told him that my husband and I have both done this several times over the years, sent more money after winning an eBay auction for something ridiculous like a 99 cent starting bid and free shipping, when the item was worth a lot more than that. Plus the seller has to pay fees to eBay, fees to PayPal, they have to wrap and package and then ship the item. We don’t have a lot, but we have enough that we don’t need to “rob” anybody.

            Our society isn’t like that, though, like you said. So many people won’t even help their own struggling adult children, let alone an online stranger. My husband and I are far from perfect. We’ve made a lot of mistakes in life. We definitely aren’t saints! But we have been in the situation where we both had to sell our blood plasma just to buy food and pay the electric bill. So we know what it’s like to do without. Our struggles taught us empathy and compassion for those who are struggling to survive. That’s why we do what we can for others who are struggling, especially for our own kids, regardless of their age. And that is also why we never take advantage of anyone, not even legally, like in an auction.

            Besides, nothing makes you feel as “rich” as when you can give something unexpected to someone and totally make their day. 🙂

            Of course, we do have to watch out for the freeloaders and set boundaries so we don’t enable a grown adult to not be responsible. We haven’t always gotten that part right, but we are learning. We have two great-grandchildren between us but we are still in school, so to speak. Which makes life all the more interesting.

            Liked by 2 people

            • Yes, I have had to sell blood plasma too. I did that quite a bit after I first made my MN ex leave. I hated it, but I could make up to $200 a month so it did help.

              I agree it’s tricky to set boundaries. Like with your own adult children, where do you draw the line between “actually needing help” and a codependent stuation where the adult child simply is lazy (or a narcissist!) and doesn’t *want* to work. You have to know where to draw the line and keep those boundaries firm. For example, if you are giving your adult child a room the condition be that they must be working/attending school and/or saving to get their own place. But if they just want to lie around watching TV and playing on the computer all day (like my ex did while i worked my ass off) then you need to read them the riot act–sh*t or get off the pot!

              Liked by 1 person

  2. Yep, sounds like dear old mom, and her two golden children. And i don’t visit because…? They don’t miss me either. Ask me if i give a rat’s! Not really, just too much water under the bridge.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like your attitude, Sue! Yup, I don’t need all that drama and dredging up unpleasant memories from the past either.

      I would love nothing more than for one day my mother and I to be able to have a REAL heart to heart before she dies…which, given her age, probably won’t be that much longer. I would love it if the scales fell from her eyes and she could SEE where she went wrong with me and feel genuine remorse and TELL me this…and of course I would do the same (I did things to hurt her too, especially in my teens and 20s–as kids that age do).

      But the likelihood of that ever happening? Zero. Because people with NPD that severely ingrained, especially at her age, are not going to change. In fact, they get worse with age as their looks (my mother is a somatic narc) and mind start to decline. That’s when they rage and that’s why old narcissists get so mean.
      Ha! I just posted this exact thought on another post.
      Hey, your comment didn’t go to spam this time!

      Like

  4. A big heck yes to that question! Sick how they get such a fix out of the double whammy of A) making you feel bad and B) making themselves feel better or superior. “That kind of stuff never happens to me”. Or, ” I never have those kinds of problems”. Heard it a million too many times! Gag, who would say such thing , only a narc!?!?!

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