Why are there no appropriate Mothers Day cards if your mother is a narcissist?

mothers_day
Uh…no it wouldn’t.

“Honor thy mother and father.”

For people who have loving parents this may good advice, but I don’t think this Commandment applies if you were raised by malignant narcissists.

I know many adult children of narcissists who have gone No Contact with them will not celebrate Mothers (or Fathers) Day. Some won’t even send a card.

I’m not one of those who won’t send a card for Mothers Day (I don’t hate my mom, it just saddens me that we never can have a normal, loving mother-daughter relationship) but sending cards on Christmas, Mothers Day and her birthday is just about the only contact I will have with her.

The frustrating thing is looking in the stores for an appropriate Mother’s Day card. Almost all the cards in the stores are sappy and sentimental that express sentiments like, “You are my hero and my inspiration,” “You were always there for me when I was down,” or “your heart is larger than Chris Christie’s underpants.” It’s very difficult to find an impersonal card that simply says, “Happy Mothers Day.” Sometimes the only cards I can find that don’t express a sappy fake sentiment I don’t feel for my mother are the funny ones. But my mother has no sense of humor, so those aren’t really appropriate either.

Usually I can eventually find a card that applies and doesn’t have a phoney message. But it’s not easy. I always have to spend a while looking.

What have your own experiences been, if your mother (or other relative) is a narcissist? Are you so No Contact you don’t even bother with cards, or do you have the same sort of difficulty finding an appropriate card that isn’t all flowery and expresses feelings you just don’t feel?

Mothers Day is sad for me, because sometimes I do so wish I could feel those flowery sentiments for my mother, but I just can’t. I don’t hate her though. When I think of my mother, I really don’t feel anything much at all. I feel as indifferent to her as I would to a stranger.

45 thoughts on “Why are there no appropriate Mothers Day cards if your mother is a narcissist?

  1. My mother wasn’t a narcissist, well… I don’t think she was. She was just a deeply troubled and depressed woman who lived so much in her past that she had no time for me in her present. I always had a hard time finding the right card for her too. That sappy stuff couldn’t relate how abandoned I felt. However, I never bought my exNarc anniversary cards. It was hard to find a card that said… you murdered me day by day… or something to that effect. Great post as usual!

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  2. Mine passed away many years ago and it’s only recently that I gave voice to the idea that she was probably a narcissist or perhaps a borderline with strong narcissistic overtones. As you can imagine, our relationship was a very difficult one, despite the fact that as a very youngest child (there are ten years between me and my next closest sibling), I wasn’t scapegoated. However, the older I became, the more she tried to live through me and control me. She became ill and passed away before she was able to turn me into a scapegoat.

    I don’t know what I would do about Mother’s Day if she were still living. Perhaps think of it as it was orginally intended – as a day for mothers to protest the loss of their sons on battlefields? A good question and one to which I don’t have an answer.

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  3. I always found in general their are way too many sappy cards. I always felt valentines cards were overly sappy too. I use to write my own funny valentines day cards to enlighten the effects of Narcissistic men.

    I know what you mean about mothers days cards. I don’t bother to buy them for my parents. They do not like cards. They only like the gift. I enclose the receipt to probe how much I paid for the present. The price point is important to that older generation,…so just leave the tags on and receipt in the box because they return everything.

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      • My parents just had their 60th. I know you saw that on Facebook. I decided to just buy my mother a big mother’s day gift…cause my dad doesn’t appreciate gifts anymore. So I bought her this pretty fashionable necklace and a bottle of Estee Lauders, White Linen. She likes that. She is from the Estee Lauder…Chanel #5 generation. I use to work for Estee Lauder. I never met Esteem, but I did meet Evelyn Lauder (Esters daughter in law), and Aaron Lauder (Estees grandaughter). That family did so much when it comes to breast cancer. They are responsible for the whole pink ribbon breath cancer awareness month.

        I got so off topic here. Lol

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  4. I always had a hard time finding a card for my mom. She was a miserable bitch, but I had to at least send a card or my siblings wouldn’t hear the end of it. The plus side of living 300 miles away from her. She died six years ago, and I don’t miss her at all. She was nicer to her friends than her own children.

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    • Same here, Cornfed. I don’t think I will even cry when she passes on….if I do it will be crying for what could have/should have been, for lost opportunities, not because I miss her or anything. I haven’t even seen my mother since 2010.

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    • I experienced both extremes. I was devastated when my mother died 29 years ago; I was so depressed I could hardly function, and it took me years to recover. But nine years ago when my father died, I felt almost nothing, other than relief that his suffering was finally over (it had been a very long, slow death — the sort no one wants, and no one wish on anyone else). It was like reading an obituary in the newspaper of someone I barely knew.

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  5. I never send cards bc they are a waste of money. I try to do nice things for those I love all year. I also don’t pretend to feel sentimental if I don’t.

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      • I can see that. It’s all about respecting what’s important to others. Perhaps in your case just a simple card that just wishes her a good day? I have the same issue with both mother and Father’s Day. I cannot give them cards that say “thank you for being there for me” which is probably why I don’t do the card thing at all.

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  6. For years I was like you, Lucky, looking for cards that don’t say too much. Now I am so NC I don’t even do that. Haven’t seen my mommy dearest since 2003.

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  7. I’m glad someone else wrote a post about not really being into Mother’s Day. I was worried I was going to be the only one being “disrespectful” [note: I rolled my eyes and choked on that word…].

    Personally I have no contact, no cards no phone calls no obligatory “I love you’s.” I relate with what you said about not really having feelings toward your Mom. It’s sad, but safe. Sometimes I hate her, but more often then not I just feel robbed of a healthy, loving relationship with a parent.

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    • I don’t think feeling this way is really uncommon at all, if your mother was a narcissist or abusive to you. But I think a lot of people are reluctant to talk about it, because there’s guilt in feeling so indifferent about your own mother. I feel less guilty about that than i used to, but there are times it still bothers me. You are not wrong to feel that way.

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      • Thankfully, I know all that.. it’s sometimes tough to let go of wanting others to be honest about their feelings, especially if I’m feeling lonely because I don’t relate with them. I’m glad to find other people being honest and sharing truth about flawed parents. None of this would leave a bad taste in my mouth if there wasn’t such a focus on how “perfect” mothers are [an impossibility for parents and children and the entirety of the human race].

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  8. I know this is an older post but I just found your blog and finding your different posts. I went 15 years no contact with my narcissistic mom and sister. We reconnected a year ago this month which included my mom’s birthday. I had to search for an hour to find one that was sincere. I couldn’t lie but I didn’t want my card to have the blaring, obvious missing sentiments of being a good, loving mom as she was an abusive, hurtful mom. I finally found one that complimented her strengths as a person but not as a mom which I sent her. I decided next year I would design and print my own but since my mom and sister only lasted 3 mths before they started their narcissistic games against me and my daughter I am at no contact again. I have been going through therapy this year and I only learned after I disconnected from them both this 2nd time that they are narcissists. I had no idea why they would sob at my being gone for 15 years and then, in less than a year, start shunning us, bullying us and lying about us to make us look bad and stupid. Just totally cruel and my counselor taught me about narcissistic families. I love your blog and am glad I found it!!!

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    • It is so hard to find appropriate cards when your parent is narcissistic. No, you don’t want to lie and be insincere, but almost all the cards for “mothers” are sickeningly sweet, sappy and full of sentiment, fine if you have a good relationship but makes you want to puke if you don’t. What also drives me crazy is people who had normal parents, and religious people, who tell you you HAVE to have a relationship with them and you are offending God if you do not. In what world is allowing yourself to contnue to be abused pleasing to God? In my book, parents like that don’t really count as parents so you are not breaking the 10 commandments if you go no contact. Welcome to this blog, glad you are enjoying it!

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      • I agree! With God, I truly believe it is a two-way street on “rules” and in order for children to fulfill their part to their parents, or a wife to her husband, the parents and husband need to fulfill their biblical parts and not be abusive. I do believe that if they are abusive God in no way expects that we can be in a open relationship with them or in one at all. So glad to see you are a Christian, I am one too! I am treated like a Jezebel by a lot of Christians. My church abandoned me when I wouldn’t pretend I wanted to stay married to my abusive husband but I had to leave him to save our lives and souls. Thank you for sharing it is awesome to find a Christian blogger who is so open about suffering and the effects abuse have on humans. Sometimes Christians act like we humans are already in our perfect heavenly bodies and that there is no cause and effect on earth when bad things happen to us like a Christian can’t have PTSD if they just have enough faith in God. BS!! I don’t have wordpress downloaded to my PC so I can like your comment. It only lets me like your articles. So LIKE πŸ™‚

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        • Just liking my articles is fine! πŸ™‚ I completely agree with you. I don’t think some “Christian” churches practice real Christianity. You have to be so careful. If they tell you you MUST honor your parents no matter what, or tell you you MUST stay with an abusive spouse no matter what, that is not Christianity. They are not following Jesus. They are trying to control and that is a RED FLAG. I’m actually Catholic, but the church I attend is not like that and I have found many wonderful. compassionate people there. I don’t think demonination is important (that’s personal preference), in fact I don’t even think it’s necessary to go to a church at all if you follow Jesus’ teachings and try to live according to the words in the Bible. I know several Christian ACONs (adult children of narcissists) who feel uncomfortable in churches because they find them too triggering. Religious abuse is everywhere. All you can do is pray and try to do what feels right to you. Hugs! I hope you keep coming to my blog.

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