Why my parents disowned me.

disowned

I was going to skip over this post, but I think it’s an important thread in my entire story of psychopathic abuse. I’m going to keep it as short as possible though, just because I really don’t feel like writing too much tonight. But I’m afraid if I don’t write about it now, I might forget.

I have already explained that I’m certain my narcissistic mother never loved me, although she pretended to when it was convenient. I spent much of my childhood and adolescence in a state of “learned helplessness” as a result of their incredible mindfuck–I was expected to achieve (on their own terms) and punished if I did not, yet at the same time I was being psychologically programmed to fail. For more detail, you can read my earlier entries (click on “My Story” in the green header above) which will explain how this mindfuck worked.

To make a long story short, I think I would have been disowned regardless. If I had become a financially successful adult, I would have been a HUGE threat to my NPD mother and she would have cut me off. I have noticed the way she denigrates and says terrible things about any powerful woman she envies (she is very transparent)–my mother always dreamed of being a Martha Stewart-like success story. She always took pride in her homemaking, entertaining, and “gourmet” cooking. And she always admired and envied the rich and powerful, something Martha certainly is. My mother’s achievements don’t hold a candle to Martha’s and she knows it. I remember several years ago my mother ranting over how ugly and gauche she thought Martha Stewart was. I saw right through her hatred–for a narcissist, almost all their hatred is fueled by envy. If I had become more successful than my mother, she would have cut me out faster than a surgeon cuts off a wart. She wouldn’t be able to handle someone outshining her, even her own daughter.

But I digress. As things turned out, I never became what most people would consider successful, at least not in the financial and material sense. I had a few opportunities and false starts, but through either self-sabotage or sabotage by others (described in my earlier entries), anything I started I’d give up quickly or never follow through on. I hope that pattern has finally changed.

In her later years, my mother, dependent on her oldest daughter (the one she abandoned as a child but who has now become her flying monkey and biggest apologist) will not allow me to visit them in their home. My mother and I are No Contact now (my own choice), but a few years ago, after my mother reluctantly moved from New York to Chicago to live with my half-sister, she told me I would not be allowed to come there because “Rebecca doesn’t like you.” WTF?!? Rebecca hadn’t seen me in over 20 years! She barely knew me. I mentioned how outrageous that was but my mother just said, “Well, it’s her house. Those are her rules. You are a very difficult person to get along with, you know.” I was offered no other explanation other than my sister’s “rules” and my horrible personality.

I thought about that conversation for a long time and finally got it–my mother was embarrassed by me! Always obsessed about her social standing, I had become too “working class.” My lowered social status would certainly offend her fake upper-middle class ideals and pretentions. I actually had to laugh when I found out my mother was no longer able to find any professional-level work and was working part time as a clerk in a department store. But it took a cousin of mine on Facebook to tell me that. My mother would have died before admitting that, especially to me.

I remember a few years ago, burned out by office and retail work, I mentioned to my mother I wanted to start a housecleaning business. It was something I could do without a lot of capital, it was physical (I like to move around when I work), and I was qualified to do it. I thought it might be fun, and I would be able to work alone and set my own hours instead of having to punch a clock and sit in front of a monitor or phone all day. I even had business cards made up. My daughter was interested in getting into it with me–we were going to call it “Two Blondes and a Bucket.” (no matter that I’m not really blonde anymore–I could dye my hair). Here is what my mother said: “I don’t think anyone would want to hire you. You’re a slob and you have a police record.” (she was referring to the pot charge I got when I was married to my Narc husband.)

dontlikeme

When I showed her my novel I wrote back in 2004, she glanced through it and said, “well, you should focus on getting some articles in magazines first before writing a book–you’re not ready.” I may not have been ready to publish a novel, but my point is, she always berated me for “not improving my circumstances,” and yet any time I presented an idea that might lead to a better life, she shot it down. It was the old mind-fuck all over again. She’s good at it.

That’s why I refuse to use Facebook anymore. My mother and her flying monkeys, as well as my father and his current wife who may well be NPD or at best, someone with OCD and a lot of narcissistic traits, have found me there. My stepmother is a control freak and an ultra conservative Republican who can’t stand me “because I’m a failure” and because I allegedly subscribe to “a mindset of dependency” (even though I haven’t asked them for anything in years). My Narc ex has found me there too, and even hacked into my account. He also trashes my character all over his Facebook page (he’s not dead by the way–he was in a psychiatric facility). I might delete my FB page if I figure out how. So much hatred. My family sucks. There, I said it. I’m like fucking Cinderella.

My father is sick with Parkinson’s and my stepmother, who is also his full-time caregiver and mouthpiece, acts as a “gatekeeper” to keep me from “upsetting your father.” If I call their home, I always have to go through her first, and tell her what I want to talk to him about before I’m allowed to speak to him. Hello? It’s my FATHER, you controlling bitch. When I do get to speak to him he is usually very loving (when I can understand him) but he’s completely dominated by his wife, just as he was completely dominated by my mother–only it’s even worse now because he’s physically dependent on his wife too. He’s always been drawn to Narc women and is a huge enabler. I do believe he has love for me though, I always have, even though he was very strict. I was cut out of his will after I allowed my Narc ex to move back in with me. (My father saw his true colors early on, and detests him). I want so much to explain why I did that, to have him read my blog and maybe he would understand the reasons–but his wife would not understand and she’d have to “approve” it first. Because she’s a cold person with very little compassion, I doubt she would.

It makes me sad I can’t have a healthy or loving relationship with my aging parents, who won’t be around too much longer. But it is what it is, and I can’t focus on that or regret we don’t have that kind of loving relationship. All I can work on is me, and finally stop trying to get their approval, because it ain’t ever gonna happen. If I can feel proud of myself, and even help others along the way, I think that’s more than enough. This blog is the beginning of that, and of course my parents will never know about it, if I can help it.

About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
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9 Responses to Why my parents disowned me.

  1. truantone says:

    I can’t imagine the strength it took for you to detach. Funny how the destructive patterns in our life do not give up easily, and that includes relationships.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. luckyotter says:

    I just hope these destructive patterns aren’t passed onto my kids and then passed onto theirs if they have them. I think my daughter’s vulnerable to that, and seems to be attracted to destructive men (who are similar to her father). My daughter’s an interesting case–I see her as both a user/manipulator–but is also used and manipulated by others. She has a lot of empathy, but can be quite narc-y at times too. She’s actually borderline so it fits. But she’s very young too–she may grow out of some of those behaviors as she gets older. She already is, I think.

    Like

  3. Alaina says:

    Oh my goodness… after reading this, now I have to go to the beginning of your blog and read everything. Your story and mine have so many similarities, it’s eerie. Different details, but the dynamics are very alike. You are what I call an Extreme Survivor.e Survivor.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Alaina says:

      Uhm, what? That last sentence is supposed to say: You are what I call an Extreme Survivor. Period. Did WP have a hiccup? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Please do read it. Actually if you just want to read my “story,” it’s in the header under “My Story.” If you just scroll from the beginning it would be harder to find the relevant posts (although they’re all there). Of course then you’ll come across a lot of my other kinds of posts too. I write about a lot of things, and not just narcissism. Take a look around! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Carrie says:

    Your story is incredible and moving. I read it straight through in one sitting like a good novel. I have experienced a number of the same things and have so many thoughts but want to make one comment because it is late.

    A little background…I was raised by a narcissistic father and my mother is his flying monkey. I was the scapegoat in family and psychopaths sniff me out easily enough, I’ve had my share. When my daughter was born something changed in me and I was able to see the denial I had built in myself from years of trying to survive my parents and a chaotic upbringing. Of course this led to the demise of my relationship with my psychopathic ex. (yay)

    The reason I am commenting on this post is that gaining the approval from my parents had guided so many bad decisions I made for myself and it took a long time to figure that out (I had serious denial). However one day it occurred to me that if I knew my parents as peers, the people next door, I wouldn’t care at all if I did/did not have their approval. We do not have the same interests or values. In fact, I would not approve of how they treat people and would distance myself from them. On the day I had that simple realization I no longer felt any need to gain their approval and really could care less if I do or don’t have it. That feeling of longing just stopped and also my awareness of people increased tenfold.

    Keep writing, your story is amazing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Alaina says:

      Carrie! What you said: “….one day it occurred to me that if I knew my parents as peers, the people next door, I wouldn’t care at all if I did/did not have their approval. We do not have the same interests or values. In fact, I would not approve of how they treat people and would distance myself from them. On the day I had that simple realization I no longer felt any need to gain their approval and really could care less if I do or don’t have it. That feeling of longing just stopped…”
      WOW WOW WOW. I think I need to tattoo that on my arm. Or at least print it out and hang it on the wall. Brilliant. Life-changing. WOW. Thanks for sharing that!

      Liked by 1 person

      • luckyotter says:

        Alaina, I think what Carrie said is excellent and can be really helpful to those of us who still struggle with what our FOO thinks of us. We all need to stop living in fear of them and their stupid judgments. They JUST DON’T MATTER. I need to get that tattoo too!

        Like

    • luckyotter says:

      Carrie, sorry for the late reply, I didn’t even see your comment until today.
      That is a very good way to think of narcs in your own family– as neighbors or acquaintances, you don’t care what they thnk of you…really, your FOO (family of origin) is no different. They are just people and their judgments on you are not always going to be accurate, and if they are narcs, they are hardly ever going to be accurate.
      Sometimes blood runs thinner than water. My true family are the amazing friends I’ve met through blogging and opening up about myself, and of course my children.
      I’m glad you are getting something out of reading my story, and I hope you decide to stick around. So happy you found this blog. We’re like one big family.

      Like

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