I finally got my new diagnosis (sort of).

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I know the labels don’t really matter, but I’ve been wanting to know for months. I also wanted to know if I’m really a covert narcissist. I got my diagnosis on Friday.

Trust..

trust

Before I talk about that, I just want to say that I know I picked he right therapist and it’s because of the way he showed me his empathy and got me to trust him.

Modeling empathy.

empathy3
We originally had our appointment for Thursday but he forgot.  It turned out it was a mixup in his calendar due to the confusion over Thanksgiving week.  The first thing he did when I showed up and he realized his mistake was to apologize.  He  said he would make it up to me. I felt a niggling of rejection  (how did he forget??? How could he possibly make it up? I had important thing to tell him!)

I worried that maybe he didn’t really like me and was trying to get rid of me.

He must have known this because I think he saw the look on my face (that I was trying to hide with laughter and “no problem” reassurances) but he knew that was an act, I think.

“Why don’t you swing by tomorrow?” he said. This guy saw how I felt, and empathically addressed the situation and in so doing, removed my worries that he might be trying to get rid of me. I told him that I was glad he remedied things so quickly because, I admitted, if he hadn’t done that I would have continued to feel rejected.

His quick remedy showed he had a lot of empathy and was concerned how I felt. That made me trust him. I also realized he was modeling empathy for me, something I never got from my parents and very few other people growing up.

The Diagnosis.

psych_cartoon

He knows I have a BPD, PTSD and AvPD diagnosis, but from the very first session I told him I think I’m also a covert narcissist. I explained what that was in case he didn’t know (since it’s not recognized officially). This session, which was my third, I finally worked up the courage to ask what he’d diagnosed me with.

“Well, I don’t really believe in the medical model,” he said. “Also, the Axes have been removed from the DSM-V.” This was news to me.
He was staring at me. “What?” I said.
“Do you want me to give you a diagnosis?”
I stared back and looked away, licking my lips nervously and giggled a little.
“What’s going on?”
“Uhmmm, nothing.”
“Why is it important to you to have a diagnosis?”
“It isn’t, really…” But it was, and I didn’t know why or how to explain it. “I’m just curious, I guess.”
“I won’t give you a diagnosis but you do appear to have symptoms of PTSD and some borderline traits….”
His sentence hung in the air.
“and…?” I asked, waiting.
“Well, you wanted to know, so I’ll tell you. I don’t think you have NPD, but you do have narcissistic traits and are probably on the spectrum.” That’s about where I thought I was. I was relieved I didn’t have NPD.

But it was like I went down the rabbit hole all over again, feeling dissociated and lightheaded but only for a minute. This time I had my emotional water wings on and floated back into reality. I was so overcome with relief that my eyes watered.

I think it was the relief of having some kind of closure.  I’ve been so confused for so long.  Well, I guess I’m sort of in limbo between narcdom and non-narcdom, which doesn’t clear things up a whole lot more than they were before, but somehow now the confusion makes more sense.

14 thoughts on “I finally got my new diagnosis (sort of).”

  2. Yea! You’re just a run of the mill crazy person! Like me. LOL I’m so glad you don’t have full blown NPD. I hope you weren’t wanting that diagnosis. I’m sorry you’ve suffered so much. My narc friend would never admit to any kind of mental or emotional problem, much less actually sit down with a counselor. Rather, she’d project her problems onto others or just blame them. Rock on, L. 😉

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    • HELL no, I didn’t want that dx. I was SURE I was…shaking after I asked him, fearing I was one of THEM. I DO have a lot of narcissistic traits and am on the spectrum so I’m ALMOST a narc, but not enough to be NPD. Thank God. I guess I’m too insightful and willing to change to be a fullblown NPD. I think severe PTSD can shade into all the personality disorders–basically it’s PTSD that started in childhood due to chronic abuse or neglect. I had all that. I do have BPD (bad enough!) and AvPD but thank God no NPD, haha! Just a REALLY bad case of the FLEAS.

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  3. I would really love to know what your narc traits are and what you consider supply? Do you feel a need to obtain supply? I think the only time I really want it is when someone has strongly angered me or attempted to crush my ego (not very often). I would really love to know more about your narc side if you ever want to share.

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    • I think I do. I worry a lot about supply. Blogging brings a lot of supply (but of course I get a lot more out of it too and do genuinely care about the people who post here). Almost everyone needs supply. It just means everyone needs approval, accpetance and validation and no one likes to be rejected. Unless you’re a total doormat you are going to have a few narcissitic traits. I have more than most people: self-centeredness hypervigilance/paranoia (I just wrote about this), envy, and I can and have been manipulative and used people. But some of these things are seen in BPDers too. I’ve been using my DBT workbook I got years ago and have been practicing mindfulness. I’m hyperaware of how I act and treat others now, where I wasn’t before. Rather than making me feel self conscious though, it’s actually liberating. I feel like I can see myself now the way others have always seen me, and am now able to stop myself before I do any damage. But most of the damage I have done has been to myself.
      On the N spectrum, I fall between “healthy narcissism” and NPD–there’s a lesser form of narcissism called DNP (destructive narcissistic pattern disorder). That’s what I have.
      This is an interesting website that talks all about the spectrum. The blog owner hasn’t posted since May–I hope she is alright. But it’s a great blog and I always recommend it:
      http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/

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      • I was thinking of the kind of NS a narc would want, like tricking someone or doing something mean to see the reaction. Normal supply isn’t sufficient for a narc. I didn’t know if you wanted to talk about getting or needing that kind of supply, but it doesn’t matter. I appreciate so much what you do. You’re a great writer!

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