Narcissists *can* love…but run!

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This article by psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg makes a surprising claim about non-pathological narcissists (those who are not malignant or psychopathic, which means high spectrum Ns having ASPD traits)–they CAN love. But the “love” is shortlived because it’s really intense infatuation (limerence) and depends on the other person fulfilling the idealized image of the person the narcissist has formed in their mind, and such a relationship is doomed to fail.

Narcissists Can Love–But Run! Understanding Narcissistic Codependent Love
By Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT

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Considering Narcissists have hurt and damaged the lives of so many people, it makes a great deal of sense why there is a proliferation of information, advice, articles and books on the subject of narcissism. There seems to be a surplus of people on Facebook, YouTube and other social networking sites who are making it their life’s mission to vilify narcissists, while making themselves out to be specialists (or even experts) on the subject. Those who contribute are often victims of narcissistic abuse and want to help others avoid their mistakes. I am thankful for their efforts, especially since it is connected to codependency recovery, which is where I spend a great deal of my personal and professional effort. It seems to be one of the biggest psychological movements I have seen in recent years.

And there are well-researched and experienced experts in the area who have and are making valuable contributions to the understanding of narcissism. Sam Vaknin is one such expert on narcissism who, just by his own efforts, has almost made the term “Malignant Narcissist” a household term. But even with his contributions, and perhaps because of them, there has been a backlash of misunderstanding on the subject. By focusing on Malignant Narcissism (which happens to be the condition he purports to have), he has accidentally and unintentionally given the impression that “Malignant Narcissism” is the same clinical condition or psychopathology as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The truth of the matter is Malignant Narcissism is a subcategory of NPD. Moreover, those with NPD, or what I call “garden variety narcissists,” do not display many of the same characteristics as those with Malignant Narcissism.

One common mistake about Narcissism, which I see frequently on the Internet, about which there is now a deluge of articles, posts and blogs is that those with NPD cannot love and do not have empathy. This subject was discussed in detail in a recent YouTube collaboration video with me and Sam Vaknin entitled, “Can Narcissists Love and Do They Have Empathy?” Although Vaknin and I agreed it was a complicated question that has an equally complicated answer, we agreed for the most part that narcissists can, in fact, feel and express love and can be empathetic.

We also mostly agreed that Malignant Narcissists and those with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD or Sociopaths) cannot feel or experience love. Because Malignant Narcissism is often confused with ASPD, it is necessary to simply define it as a subcategory of NPD, which is not only a pathologically narcissistic disorder, but also combines traits of Paranoid Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. For more information on Malignant Narcissism, consider reading Vaknin’s book, “Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited” (2015). It is, therefore, correct to assume that Malignant Narc’s and ASPD’s cannot love as it is understood in our general culture. But it is incorrect to make that same leap for those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which will henceforth be referred to as “narcissists.”

Please read the rest of Dr. Rosenberg’s article here:
http://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/narcissists-can-love-but-run-understanding-narcissistic-codependent-love/

19 thoughts on “Narcissists *can* love…but run!”

  1. They are entirely focused on what they can suck out of the victim.

    I mam who loves a woman wants to protect the women he loves. A Narc is interested in his wants and needs and protecting himself. They can not love.

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  3. In my experience, the infatuation of a narcissist is very intense. But it isn’t real love. The narcissist loves the way you make them feel. They love what you can do for them. They love the perfect image of the perfect lover that they have fantasized about in their head, which they have now projected onto you. YOU are the perfect lover they have been searching for all their life! They are so overjoyed to have finally found you, so enthralled by your (projected fantasy) perfection, they treat you like you are the greatest person who ever walked the earth. They worship the ground you walk on, because you make everything you touch turn to gold, in their starry eyes.

    But as soon as it becomes apparent that you are really just another imperfect human being, their intense love does an immediate 180 degree turn and becomes intense HATE. At this point, the disappointed narcissist actually believes that it is all your fault! They believe you deserve to be hated. You deserve to be mistreated and abused. They believe you deserve the worst, as punishment for breaking their poor little baby heart by not actually being the perfect fantasy lover they thought you were.

    To a needy codependent like I used to be, all the intense love-bombing in the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is a huge high. But when the love-bombing suddenly comes to a screeching halt and the devaluation and discarding begins, it feels like going cold turkey off a highly addictive drug. Starved for love to begin with — because that’s how needy codependents are made — you feel like your whole world has ended, like your food and oxygen have been cut off and you’re about to die. You cry, you beg, you desperately try to get them to love you again — and then the narcissist is doubly disgusted by how “pathetic” you are.

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    • Dang, I probably should have made that comment into a post. Can you tell I’ve lived it? Whew…. this article brought back some memories.

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    • Yes, you nailed it. Their feelings are very intense, but it’s not real love, you are a mirror. But the heady excitement of a new relationship with a narcissist beats nothing. It isn’t worth it though, because of what happens after that. 😦

      I think that’s why so many people, especially victims who were never mirrored properly themselves, are attracted to the Ns, because they pursue you with such intensity…they seem to validate you and appear to give you the love your parents should have….only they are never really seeing YOU. You’re basically just reliving the trauma bond you had with your parents.

      I agree about the devalue and discard. It’s typical black and white thinking. Once you fail to live up to their image of you or mirror them the way they need mirroring, the abuse begins. And it will always begin, because you can’t ever dream of living up to the image the narcissist sees.
      Wow…this is triggering. I’m remembering all the bf’s and lovers I ever had, they were all narcs, and all those relationships were intense and ended badly, in one way or another.

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    • Why do they search for other lovers all the time? During the point of infatuation they continue to search all over the place for more…addictively. They have to be aware of what they do, because they actively do it all the time.

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      • I have wondered the same thing, Mary! I suspect it may be because these people are so dead and empty inside, they think keep searching outside themselves for something or someone who will make them feel alive. It’s like they can never be satisfied with imperfect reality… they have this crazy idea that a perfect love exists somewhere and they keep trying to find it.

        Or… maybe they are just a$$holes….

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        • Yes Iike those dollar signs because I think they they look to steal money from women because many are failures that can’t hold jobs.

          In my church they helped this guy who was a Psychopath a while back, and he told me that he always kept 3 women at the same time because he was petrified to be alone. He also warned me that men like him steal money from women. He said they are con artists.

          I don’t know why he told me the truth about himself. I think it was because he was in an AA program for a short time and he was living inside the church. But he fell off the wagon fast. He was very young. In his early 20s.

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            • No… I doubt he will. He robbed a bank and then served a juvenile sentence. They let him out on good behavior and put him in a decent rehabilitation program. Then he became violent and beat his roomate up. One time late at night at the church he stated to flip out on me. He claimed I cut him off while he was speaking and he raged and screamed at me. I knew he was going seriously bonkers.

              Another time he brought me around a bunch of crazy friends…so I went to my car and called my friend Creed to get my mind off the creepy people. Then I had to get off the phone with the creepy people.

              They were so out of it. They wanted me to bring them home and they were so crazy they couldn’t explain to me where they lived.

              After that… I never got myself involved with that kind if church missionary work. A person has to be somewhat sain in order to be subseptable to help, and Creed told me to just let them be. He felt it made no sense to help them.

              Creed is the singers son from the band Earth Wind & Fire.

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