The first flea bite :/

cat-flea
You’re disgusting. I hate you.

I have a telltale red itchy spot on my ankle. It’s the first one of the season.
I know what it is.

It’s a fucking flea bite. The first of about 1000 flea bites that I will continue to get until around October. By that time my lower legs, ankles and even a small area at the front of my stomach will be red, sore, oozing and unbearably itchy.

I am highly allergic to flea bites. I have 4 cats, and 3 of them go outside. I can’t keep them indoors, and no matter how many flea baths I give them, no matter how many flea collars I put on them, no matter how much off-brand flea treatment I massage into their fur (I can’t afford Frontline or Advantage), the fleas will stay. They will lay their disgusting eggs in my cats’ fur and my own skin. They will suck our blood like little vampires. They will burrow into my rugs and crawl in and out through the weave of my bedding. No matter how much I spray, flea-bomb, vacuum, and carpet-powder my house to kill the little fuckers, they will not go away. They never do.

By the end of the summer, I will, as always, look like I have a deadly contagious skin disease. Fleas love my blood for some reason. They never go after anyone else the way they go after me. I can’t wear shorts in the summer because my legs look like raw slabs of hamburger meat. I might scare people away. They might think I’m a leper.

Why do fleas exist? What evolutionary purpose do they have? Even maggots, disgusting as they are, at least break down dead meat into its basic elements. What do fleas do? They suck blood and make everyone miserable. They have. no. purpose. at. all.

You can’t swat them like a fly either. You can’t squish them like a cockroach. They don’t die. I have picked them up and tried to squeeze them to death by rolling them between my fingers, and THEY DON’T DIE. THEY JUMP AWAY.

It’s the only thing about summer I really hate. The damn fleas.

Maybe I should start a flea circus. At least that would put them to work.

24 thoughts on “The first flea bite :/

  1. Oh no how horrible!!! I hate the thought of you going through that all summer, every summer. You must really love your pets!

    When I got to the end and read: “Maybe I should start a flea circus. At least that would put them to work” — I couldn’t believe it. Humor? You can end this horror story with really clever humor? How do you do it???

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  2. I remember reading years ago an allegedly true story about a princess who hated fleas so much, she had a miniature cannon built, which she used to shoot at fleas. All day long. Obviously, this was in the days before video games. 🙂

    I just did a search on “princess shooting cannon at fleas” and couldn’t find the story. So maybe it was a fairy tale and I am remembering wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

    • THE FLEA KILLER

      Queen Christina ruled Sweden from 1632 to 1654. What did she consider the biggest threat to her kingdom? Fleas. The Queen hated them and wanted each and everyone one she found in her palace killed … individually. To accomplish this feat (this was long before the invention of chemical insect repellents), she commissioned the construction of a tiny, one-inch-long cannon, that was packed with tiny flea-sized cannonball. Whenever she spotted one, she fired the tiny cannon at it and occasionally made a killshot.

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  3. As usual, horrible stuff followed by your irrepressible humor! Have you tried spraying insecticide outside, around the house, & exit/entrance areas like doors & windows? That worked for me and I do it every summer. Killing them before they get on your cats & you is the answer.

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    • Thats a good idea. I might try that! One remedy I tried one year (and that actually works) was Neem oil. It doesn’t kill the fleas (boo) but it repels them and they leave. Unfortunately the smell of Neem oil is unbearable — kind of like garlic mixed with sweaty socks, it’s awful –so that’s a method I won’t be trying again.

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  4. Rainbow vacuum cleaners, even used models work wonders sucking up bugs and eggs. I wouldn’t survive pet owning without mine. Fleas are obviously the original malignant narcissists . Ugh!

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Fleas are the original malignant narcissists.”

      That made me lol. But it’s true. The original psychopaths too. I guess it’s no coincidence that in the ACON world, when a person is “infected” by narcissitic behavior by staying around a narc too long, that condition is called “fleas.”

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