I’m pretty sure I just got gaslighted.

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My daughter doesn’t have NPD (for awhile I thought she did) but she does have BPD and PTSD like I do and some narcissistic traits (what 22 year old doesn’t, though?)    In general her behavior’s gotten a lot better the past two years,  but I just got off the phone with her and think she gaslighted me.

I had called her this morning to make sure she got home from work safely last night (because the roads are very icy due to all the snow we had, which is now mostly melted).   She just called me back but was in the middle of having a conversation with a friend at the same time.   I don’t care for phones, and I HATE when someone is talking to someone else instead of talking to me if they’re on the phone with me.   It’s incredibly rude.  She kept saying “Wait, Mom,” while she was listening to her friend tell her a joke.  I sighed impatiently and told her I thought she was being rude.  Instead of apologizing or stopping to give her attention to me, she said to her friend, “My mother doesn’t know how to talk on the phone,” which is sort of true because I’ve always hated phones and am awkward on them, but in this case, she was just wrong and I told her so.   Sarcastically she said, “FINE, Mom,” at which point I thanked her for letting me know she was okay but that I had nothing else to say until she was ready to stop conversing with her friend.  I told her I was hanging up and I hung up.    UGH, I’m annoyed at her right now.   She mostly does that when she’s with her friends.  I guess she thinks it makes her look cool. 🙄

13 thoughts on “I’m pretty sure I just got gaslighted.”

  1. Ugh, that was rude of her. 😛 And she was wrong to say that you “can’t talk on the phone” when it was her behavior that was preventing the conversation. Sigh…

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  2. I agree. It’s rude to talk to others while on the phone with someone else. I used to LOVE talking on the phone. When I was younger it was one of my favorite things to do, although I still would’ve rather have been face to face with the person.

    But I always got annoyed and irritated if I was on the phone with someone and they started to talk to someone else like I wasn’t there.

    Someone saying, “Hold on a second,” like if someone’s parent or sibling or whoever had something of importance to say during our convo I don’t see a problem with that, but something like someone interrupting to tell a joke? Yeah, that’s pretty rude.

    I think when it was done to me back in the day though, it was kind of a passive aggressive way of bullying. It’s one (mean) way of getting someone off the phone if you don’t want to talk to them, without actually telling them that.

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      • I don’t blame you. I wasn’t saying she was doing that to you…trying to passive aggressively get you off the phone, that is.

        Lol…sorry I didn’t mean to suggest that she was doing that. Your story just reminded me of that happening to me. I imagine it’s a whole different scenario between a mom and daughter.

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  3. This has been my entire life:

    My mother often interrupts me when I’m on the phone talking. She also interupts after I cook and when about to enjoy the dinner, and interfears because she is bothered that I’m not eating what she cooked. She interupts when I wake up and enjoy looking out the window in a meditation state. She interupts while I’m reading and she likes to bust up my conversations at a party when I’m serious and deeply engaging with another person and I’m enjoying myself. She likes to raise her voice and wake me up out of a deep sleep. She does the same late at night. When you go to church on Sunday she’s disappointed I’m not around because she wants me to do something for her. Going to church doesn’t count as church to her, simply because I’m not a Catholic mass. (To her, if it isn’t Catholic its not real. It doesn’t count as a sacrament). You know that sacrament, “Keep the Sabath day holy.” And if I attempt to negotiate a boundary she goes into a rage, and before you know it she’s brought up everything wrong ive done since I was 2. Not long ago she said, “You turned rotten when you turned 5. That’s when you decided to do your own thing. You had a mind of your own.” Then the tears… The silent treatment.

    Think about it. Children don’t turn sour at 5. Its normal that they start to think independently. After all, they are individuals.

    This is my take on your daughter:

    She’s seeking approval from her friends and that is why she put there conversation first. She knows mom will always be there, but fears Abandonment from her friends if she doesn’t act cool and interesting. I think its possible she doesn’t know how to put up a boundary with her friend and say, “I’m taking to my mom right now. I’ll speak to you when. I get off the phone.”

    Do you think its possible she had fear of Abandonment healthy boundaries issues?

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      • You just can’t figure it out when your a little girl. But I learned sp much from all these articles… From Lucky.. Vaknin… Kim Seed and many many more out there. Information can change your life.

        I forgive my mother, because its all coming from a place I’m sure of her own inner child in which no one talked about generations ago. My mother taught me that I’m allowed no boundaries and I must respect all of hers.

        This phone conversation sheds a lot of light on the big picture. Because you have to ask yourself what lies behind a person allowing a Narcissist to step over the boundaries in the first place.

        Remember Ivans Pavlovs classical conditioning: “And when the bell rings the dog Salvages.”

        I believe if a child grew up in a dysfunctional atmosphere in regards to healthy boundaries, then the stage is set for allowing dysfunctional relationships in, in an adult life.

        And so in this phone conversation of Lucky’s. I see her daughter has a rude friend who stepped all over her phone conversation with her mother. When my friend picks up the phone, I am quiet until she finishs the conversation. And luckys daughter couldn’t put up a boundary with her friend, but instead rudely did with her mother.

        Perhaps she mimicked what she learned in childhood. And the reason why a Narcissist and a codependent match, is because they feel normal together because this is what they learned as children.

        I’m no expert, but I think it goes sort of like this.

        Now you have to correct the damage done: That starts by immersing yourself around healthy people with healthy boundaries and rejecting dysfunctional people by putting up boundaries.

        It feels weird at first…but as you go along your self esteem goes up…up..up!!

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        • That’s why I can’t really hate narcs. I hate the way they act, but I can’t forget the fact that they become that way because of attachment/abandonment issues.That isn’t enabling, it isn’t being too soft, I still believe in no contact, but it makes it easier to understand why they act as they do and as a person with a mother with severe NPD, trying to understand her on that level (without having contact with her) somehow makes me feel less like a victim myself. I think to myself, she couldn’t help it, instead of she’s an evil witch who hates me. I hope that makes sense.

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          • Yes,..I agree. It’s much better to go the forgiveness route and not to be angry. Because anger and hate just makes a person become bitter within.

            I think when you see the violater (in your situation was your mother) as weak and broken she loses her power over you. This is how I felt with my mother too and that changes the perspective.

            I also feel this way about the Narc man. Believe me, I genuinely feel sorry for him. I might be one of the only woman that genuinely feels sorry for him. His ex hates him terribly. I see his extremely sad past. No child deserves to go through what he went through. He was Abandoned and any amount of limited attention he received was Narc abuse.

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        • So true, Mary. We learn a role in childhood and we typically continue that role in adulthood, unless and until we get some help, healing, and education. I continued my childhood role of being the dependent, abused scapegoat through several horrific adult relationships. I was fifty years oldvwhen I finally got some good therapy and learned how to break out of my codependent role.

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