Narcissistic abuse: who is the real victim?

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I’ve noticed the way the Trump administration is constantly “blaming the victim,” and the way they never take responsibility for their own terrible and abusive actions that hurt real people.  Not just that, but they usually paint themselves as innocent victims and use rhetoric that makes it sound as if the real victim is the perpetrator.  They project their own evil onto the victim and often use flying monkeys (in a government, a flying monkey can include state run news, TV pundits, and other propaganda generators) to smear or destroy the victim’s reputation or credibility.   This is a form of emotional and mental abuse common in families run by sociopaths and narcissists and, as we are seeing, it also happens in sociopathic regimes like the one we’re currently living under.

There is an acronym called DARVO in the narcissistic abuse community (DARVO = Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). Narcissistic abuse survivors are all too familiar with this method of mental abuse and emotional manipulation.  It surprises me that more of them don’t see it happening in the Trump administration, when it’s staring them right in the face, but there are abuse victims who actually unconsciously identify with their abusers and this could be an example of that.

There are many examples of DARVO in this administration (it would take a whole other article to name all of them), the most recent one being the GOP ganging up on and blaming a rape victim of trying to “ruin the life of” and making a victim of a “model citizen” (Brett Kavanaugh).   In general, women are held in very low regard in this regime (especially if they are not white), and are usually blamed by the patriarchy for anything that happens to them, including rape. These hateful, entitled men seem to think a man who sexually abuses a woman or even a child (Roy Moore) is just “doing what men do” and it’s the female’s job to somehow stop him, or that she somehow “led him on.”

In this authoritarian regime which emboldens and encourages toxic masculinity and misogyny, men are painted as poor innocents who simply cannot control their sexual urges.   Never mind that forcible sex, rape and molestation have nothing to do with sexual desire and is all about power and control.   If it cannot be denied the rape or sexual abuse was wrong, the woman is blamed for not reporting it in a timely enough manner.  But there are many reasons a woman or girl may not report sexual abuse or may wait many years to do so: shame and fear of retribution being the most common reasons.   According to the patriarchy, the man is never to blame.  It is always the woman’s fault.

Franklin Graham, the dominionist son of Billy Graham (what the heck happened to Graham’s kids anyway? Billy was not a lunatic) even went so far as to say Kavanaugh “respected” his victim by “not finishing.”   Wow.  A real man of God.   He probably thinks it’s okay to rape young girls because that’s what men did in Old Testament times.    Now the corrupt GOP are trying to silence Dr. Blasey Ford and ram Kavanaugh through for the SCOTUS seat in spite of abundant evidence he is not a man of good character.  They are trying to excuse what he did to Dr. Blasey Ford as normal behavior for a teenage boy, even though it is not at all normal.     When I was in high school, no boy with any moral compass would ever hold a girl down while forcing sex on her and cover her mouth to keep her from screaming (and have a friend turn the music up to drown her out), and if he did, it would become a police matter (if she ever reported it).

In light of these developments and the real peril women are in under the Trump regime (we may lose all our rights and freedoms should this nomination go through and if the GOP wins the midterms), I’m reblogging this article I wrote about distinguishing victims from their abusers (it can be hard to tell, if the abuser has convinced you they’re the victim)

Lucky Otters Haven

adult-workplace-bullying

Narcissistic abusers are great at charming people they want to impress, or those people they want to get on their side. When they have targeted an individual for abuse, they will stop at nothing to turn their friends, colleagues, even their families against them–and it’s not at all uncommon for them to claim that THEY are the ones being abused.   The process of using malicious gossip and lies to turn people against the victim is called triangulation and is well known in the narcissistic abuse community. Most of us who have been targeted by narcissistic abusers know all too well about triangulation and its close cousin, gaslighting. Both will be used in conjunction with each other to turn the victim’s potential allies against them, effectively isolating them and ripping away any support systems they could use later.

Those who have been turned against the victim by the narcissist are called

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17 thoughts on “Narcissistic abuse: who is the real victim?”

  1. I’ve heard Brett Kavanaugh referred to as “the Affluenza Candidate” (one could say the same of the man who nominated him). He and his supporters appear determined that, as he is quotes saying, “What happens at Georgetown Prep stays at Georgetown Prep.” Even when some of the men who have lost positions and reputation because of #MeToo do offer what purport to be apologies, they show no real sign of understanding the damage done to the woman or women, and play the victim. Now, it appears that the Republicans on the Judiciary Committee will agree to hear a woman’s story, but hearing is not the same as listening. That is what they do not intend to do.

    Liked by 3 people

    • These are privileged, white, rich republicans who were raised with a sense of entitlement and never developed normal empathy or caring for others.
      They were told all their lives they were masters of the universe and would never need to be accountable to anyone. They were also used to women falling at their feet because of their privilege and social status, and are genuinely puzzled that women actually expect to be treated well and not like props.

      Liked by 2 people

        • The scariest thing of all — even scarier than the fact this sexual abuser and serial liar may well be able to make decisions about women’s healthcare and reproduction that hurt or even kill them — is that he is the only SCOTUS candidate who actually thinks a sitting president should not be indicted or investigated. Which means if he’s appointed, the Mueller investigation may be closed and once again, Trump will not be held accountable for his many crimes, including treason and crimes against humanity. In simpler terms, if Kavanaugh is comfirmed, Trump will literally be above the law and can do anything he wants. From there, I can’t even imagine the hell he will unleash on us all. He will go especially hard on those who opposed him and I’m sure concentration camps will be set up for his detractors and critics.

          I think there will be a “Reichstag Fire” type of event in which he declares martial law and seizes absolute power. He will not be a benevolent dictator either. He is not a person with a shred of benevolence or goodness and neither is anyone who works for him. Plus, if Kavanaugh is confirmed, we women might as well be living in Iran. Our only hope then is to win the midterms. But, although all the polls look good for Democrats, the fact the GOP has done nothing about the gerrymandering, hacking, and Russian interference doesn’t bode well for us. The fact they are ramming through unpopular policy and seeming not to care that their poll numbers are dropping is very concerning. It makes me think they already know they have it in the bag in November (all those trips Trump’s staff was taking to Russia and the secret meeting with Putin were probably all about the midterms) and so our votes won’t even matter. They can even find some way to suspend or cancel the election if they can’t successfully hack it in their favor.

          Liked by 1 person

          • One thing we don’t know is what the other four “conservatives” on the Court think about the issue of the indictment and possible prosecution (other than impeachment) of a President. As far as I know, Kavanaugh is the only one who has expressed an opinion on the subject. The closest thing to a clear president I can think of is the decision about the Nixon Tapes, which went against that President, but that was a different set of Justices.

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            • The stories that are coming out about his drinking at parties (sounds like binge drinking) lead me to consider the possibility that he actually doesn’t remember much of what happened, and he is strongly motivated not to remember. Then, there are the people who knew him then who agree that he couldn’t possibly have done those things. They remember the shy, studious, choir boy who didn’t date. They weren’t at the parties – separate social group. It will be interesting to see how this woman prosecutor the Republicans have hired to do their questioning handles him. She is supposed to be very good at interrogating perps. The Republicans may get something other than the window dressing they are looking for.

              Liked by 1 person

            • I also think Kavanaugh has a serious drinking problem. He has the look of an alcoholic, and apparently he was often drunk at these parties. Blackouts are common in alcoholism and in people who drink very heavily. Whether he was too inebriated to remember anything or not, things aren’t looking too good right now for him. I do feel bad for his wife and daughters.

              Liked by 1 person

      • America is like a family headed by a narcissistic abuser and journalists from the professional class don’t know how to cope with it. Rational people can’t fathom trump’s naked abuse of power so they behave as if they think they’re imagining it; it’s ground hog day and we wake up to a nation in shock because Trump has done something outrageous and the GOP does nothing and this is how we’ve lived since the middle of 2016.

        The only thing that changes is that Trump and his GOP enablers continue to consolidate power.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Groundhog Day, that is a great analogy! I feel like we’ve fallen down the rabbit hole into Opposite Land where truth is lies, evil is good, vice is virtue, insane is sane (and the reverse of all of thiose). It is exactly like being in a family headed by a sociopathic narcissist, with no easy way to go No Contact.

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            • Idon’t know wth happened to Lindsay Graham.
              I used to think he was one of the more reasonable ones. I think it’s Kompromat or blackmail. He changed a lot since McCain died. Maybe it’s how he’s expressing grief, but I don’t think he’s honoring McCain’s memory bythe way he is acting. Trump seems to have an almost supernatural power over all his flhying monkeys and they do indeed start acting just like him. It’s creepy as hell. But cult leaders have that kind of effect and essentially that’s what he is. It’s a cult of personality.

              The only way to go No Contact with a pathological government is to leave the country. If that’s not an option and if resisting becomes impossible/dangerous/illegal, I guess just ignore the news (you wouldn’t be getting the real news from state run media anyway) and try to just live your life.
              Develop hobbies, spend time with family and friends. Try to find whatever happiness you can.

              Liked by 1 person

            • I don’t know if I can be happy living under a tyranny. It’s not in my DNA. My partner and I have discussed this. Not resisting is not an option, not while our government tortures children as a matter of policy.

              I think Graham has fleas.

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