Real vs. imaginary good and evil.

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6 thoughts on “Real vs. imaginary good and evil.”

  3. I had a NPD mother, very domineering, controlling, violent, abusive verbally – I am diagnosed Aspergers – as a very young child, I could see my mother’s behaviour was just not right – One of five siblings, I was the only one who could see through her and in my naievety I asked her Mum, do you love me, to which I was smashed around the head and told not to be ridiculous of course she loved me. I was five years old when that happened. I was the Scapegoat, it took me years and years to work out that I was the scapegoated one, even my siblings abused me because they had the ‘unspoken permission’ to, plus my mother was always bad mouthing me to them and making me out to be a liar, a trouble maker, someone not to be trusted, crazy – even today my siblings treat me as if I am weird, untrustworthy and a bit with the fairies. Whenever I have tied to talk to them about what happened to us as kids, they all feel they were equally targetted and that I was no different. I do not agree. I had a breakdown aged 24 – diagnosed with Severe Anxiety coupled with Severe Depression, I weighed in at 5 and a half stones. My mother told the family I did this on purpose, I put myself in a mental hospital (it was a psychiatric ward in a hospital) and I was putting it on that I was depressed just to spite her, I was doing it all to myself. My brother came steaming up the hospital just to tell me mum is throwing herself on the floor, beating at the floor in agony because of what I had done by putting myself in the hospital. My breakdown was partly because I thought I must be mad because I am the only one who sees what mum is really about, so it must be me. Anyway this looks like its going to end up being a very long comment if I don’t stop it here, didn’t mean to get into it quite so much – its just that I still wonder if I am a narcissist or not – I don’t have the money to get mental health support/counselling and the NHS here in the UK I have tried many counsellors and not felt I got the help I needed. I am now aged 62 and still feel I need help – my whole life has been dysfunctional, I have three marriages behind me all went off with other women, I have stopped trying to form my own family, been left a single parent twice over – my kids are amazingly not too bad – my daughter and I have discussed how I was an inadequate parent, but I also vowed I would never do to my kids what was done to me, and every which way that I did neglect my daughter, she knows it was not deliberate or malicious in any way – yet she still holds me at arms length (which hurts a lot) but I do try to respect her feelings, I always told her to have her own mind, to make up her own mind about her decisions, it was extremely important to me that she knew her own mind, and my son also. From this I think I can say I am not a narcissist but my daughter feels I have narcissistic traits – I am open to whatever the case may be. I am only now able to embrace the full scope of the damage done to me and my personality, all my life I have tried to be with the fairies in a magical way, also I think this could be my aspergic side too, this was how I coped in the end – but the truth is the truth and I need to learn and understand how it impacted me, to understand it and hopefully move on. I am No contact now with my mother, its been five years now, all my siblings have gone no contact, and even though we are in contact with each other there are clearly trust issues between us all and sometimes it seems we are just too damaged to salvage anything between us as brother and sisters. So I will leave it there, thanks for listening/reading and I look forward to learning through this blog about NPD and the experience of it from someone who has Aspergers Syndrome.

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    • I am sorry your mother was so abusive to you and you were scapegoated. I know what that’s like, since I too was the scapegoat of my family (sometimes alternating with a golden child type role that I could never fulfill, because I was the only child). I am glad you went No Contact with your mother, there is no way a relationship like that can ever be a healthy one. I think recovery is even harder when you also have Aspergers (I thought I was Aspie for a long time) because I think those symptoms are exacerbated by narcissistic abuse. Also, because Aspergers makes you more vulnerable, I think Aspies tend to become targets for other narcissists and sociopathic personalities who seem to have an uncanny way of smelling that vulnerability and use it against you. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal, and don’t give in to any love bombing your mother may try to do to reel you back into her lair.

      How did it feel to write all that? I bet you feel a little better getting it out.

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      • Thank you for your comment luckyotter. It felt quite good to write on a blog such as yours when it not only shares about NPD but by someone who also has Aspergers. This, for me, is rare and I have often wished I could converse with someone on the Aspergers Spectrum who was raised by a Narcissistic Parent, and not only that but you had the same role of scapegoat. I know each case is individual and differs in some ways, but already you have confirmed something for me that I have been contemplating for sometime now regarding an Aspergic little girl such as me who was/is still highly sensitive, empathic and can’t even watch violence on the tv, and how I had been targetted at places of work, my three husbands were all Narcs, I now know, and that yes being those things (vulnerable) did cause me to be sniffed out by Narcissists and bully type people, plus I was rather a pretty slim young woman and I was sexually abused in the office as well and had to leave several jobs because I would not sleep with the bosses they made my life hell afterwards, so I would leave. I was extremely naieve because of my aspergers I feel which also caused different predatory behaviour from others, including women at work. I seem to greatly lack any skills at all at defending myself of standing up for myself in any of these situations and I would always come off worst because I would take the easy way out and be without a job, as a single parent always ending up on benefits, then take up with the next Narc who found me and so the whole sorry thing happened all over again without me seeing it coming, Again. Right now I do not go near people because I am afraid of my own lack of discernment, though I do think I could spot a narcissist now from a mile off. I have read about Gentle Narcissists, covert Narcs and inverted narcs, the gentle narc seems to resonate quite a lot with me, usually the scapegoated one in the family dynamics is gentle, sensitive etc. And I seem to fit the bill. Though Aspies are also considered to be gentle people. Anyway, I will leave it there for now, its great to be able to write my feelings out here, thank you Luckyotter…………….

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