Contaminated memories.

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Last night I was temporarily able to get rid of the awful empty feelings I wrote about yesterday with a little “Cyclops Therapy.”   🙂
But it didn’t last.

I actually felt pretty good again until today.  Everything just makes me want to cry.  It’s not really depression; I’m not sure exactly what it is.   It’s just this yawning empty sad feeling. I spent a little time trying to examine the feeling, taking it apart to try to understand it.

It’s like every good memory I ever had is somehow contaminated by sadness or some other negative emotion arising from the sea of emptiness that lies beneath.   Once a good experience enters my long term memory, it’s shot through with painful longing and a feeling of great loss and even grief.   Or sometimes it’s contaminated by guilt, or knowing that it wasn’t going to last–not having any idea at the time of what sort of disaster was waiting just around the corner.  So my happy memories make me sad.

If you’ve ever seen the animated film “Inside Out,” you’ll know what I’m talking about.  Riley’s long term happy core memories were in danger of being touched by Sadness (a character depicting that emotion) and a few already were, so Joy (another character) tried to intercept so Riley’s happy core memories would stay that way.

Thank God I see my therapist tonight.   I really don’t know what all this means.  Maybe I’m on the edge of another big breakthrough.  I hope so!

12 thoughts on “Contaminated memories.”

  1. Don’t tears feel so much better than depression? I mean, they are a release, aren’t they? Once, I had this really shitty temp job where they gave me the most medial task in the world. I had to sort an enormous pile of paper alphabetically. It didn’t take much concentration so I spent the time going through Act I of Tristan und Isolda in my mind. I must have been very close to grief because the opera made me cry actual tears. It was very releasing, not depressing.

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    • I agree. Real depression just sucks, you don’t feel anything — just sort of dead and zombielike, no interest in anything or energy to even do the simplest things. It’s much better to cry than be in that kind of depresison.

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  2. I used to cry at the drop of a hat, whereas now, I can’t remember the last time I cried, so I ask myself, am I better or worse? Anyway, you don’t think it’s depression but it kind of sounds like it to me. You have SAD, right? And we are into September now. I know I used to use the tanning booths in the cooler months and it worked like a charm but I know they’re not good for your skin, but, I used to get like this high off of them. I’m glad you see your therapist this evening, let him have a crack at what’s going on with you. He sounds like he’s good at his job.

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  3. I really believe that sadness is a clue from God that there is a secret hidden in our past that will set us free and bring us joy, if we are brave enough to get to it. Don’t have anxiety about figuring it out, just let yourself feel it. Offer it up. God will do the rest. Trust in God. Ask Him to illuminate your mind. He has this habit of exposing to us pearls hidden in the deep, the paradox of joy, even as we sleep. Think of the pain as Satan saying “Don’t look there, never look there, be afraid don’t feel that” because he knows God hid our joy there. Satan is a liar. The next thing you know if you trust in God you will be crying tears of the most exquisite joy.

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      • I am fifty years old now. ..and I have seen much evidence that God speaks directly to abused children in a very special way…continuing into their adulthood. It would only make sense that He would. He promised not to leave us orphans, and He knew many of us would have our natural trust in Him and in His goodness contaminated, poisoned or thwarted by parental error. God is like that stubbornly hopeful and grounding freight train that keeps running beneath the core of our beings. God never asks of us more than we can give, just that we keep trying, and trust in Him, because He will do the rest. He never points an accusatory stick or says honest sadness is a bad thing. Christ even gave us a fill in, free from error mother, His own, when He said, “Behold thy mother” from the cross. Mary’s tears beneath the cross were not just for her Son, but for us as well. They both suffered not to condemn us, but because they loved us THAT much. So many people misunderstand this within all religious denominations.

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        • Yes, they really do. As crazy as this sounds, sometimes I find comfort by imagining Jesus holding me like a baby, stroking my hair. I know he is taking care of me and is taking care of you too. I don’t think God gives some of us difficult lives because he’s a big mean bully in the sky, but he does use them to shape us into what he wants us to be. Our suffering is not in vain. I’m beginning to see the path God has laid out for me and it has everything to do with all the injustices I suffered. Thanks for your comments.

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          • God did not give you sadness, trauma did, but He allows us to feel that pain to show us there is still something to be unraveled, and looked at. Intense joy is hidden underneath it. Abusers layer on “sadness” so we will be afraid to look where our treasure is hidden. God says no, sadness is just a big giant X over the treasure they’re hiding, My incredible gifts just for you.

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            • Yes! You hit the nail on the head. God doesn’t give us trauma or sadness, but uses it to mold us and make us better. God always knows how to turn sh*t into gold, if you don’t mind the graphic analogy. 🙂

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