I don’t want to become bitter and full of hate.

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No-Lord-No
Credit: lynnmosher.com

I’m dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions right now in the wake of my dad’s passing, and rage is probably the dominant emotion I’m trying to process. Not rage at my dad per se, but rage at every narcissist I ever knew starting from the time I was a small child, making my life hell. For those of you who have read my recent posts, you might have noticed the increase in anger I’ve been expressing toward narcissists in general. My posts this week sound a lot like my early posts on this blog, during the first few months after I went NC with my ex.

Rage, anger, and even hatred can be useful, even necessary, when you’re going No Contact. Your survival is at stake. Your anger gives you the courage to escape and overrides any fear that may keep you in thrall to your narcissist. But beyond that, it begins to eat away at your soul and eventually can turn YOU into a narcissist. I’ve seen that happen so many times and it’s tragic. I’ve written about this phenomenon numerous times on this blog so I won’t do so again.

I bring this up because my writing lately seems to reflect a return to a narc-hating mindset. I don’t find hating narcissists helpful, personally. I find it more helpful (for myself anyway) to think of them as a different kind of victim, a type of victim that other victims have trouble understanding because their behavior is so predatory and sometimes incomprehensible. Thinking of them in this way seems to give them less power over me and makes me less afraid.

I don’t want to become an embittered, angry, hate-filled person. I don’t want hatred to take over my battered but still intact soul. I don’t want narc-hatred to turn me into a narcissist. This doesn’t mean I forgive the narcissists in my life for what they have done to me; but I do want to attempt to understand why they do the things they do. I want to understand how and why they became that way. It’s important for me emotionally to do this; being able to understand or at least try to helps me heal.

I know the rage and hate I feel right now is out of character for me, but all my emotions are in turmoil following my father’s passing. I pray that this too will pass and I can return to understanding narcissists without condoning or enabling. I still pray for their deliverance and always will.

Matthew 5:43-48:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? …

25 thoughts on “I don’t want to become bitter and full of hate.”

  1. I’m right there with you and yes events happen that plunge us into that space of using hate as protection. I did see you were angry but there was good reason for it.
    That confrontation in which my houseguest (a daughter) launched into a tirade about how angry and bitter I was and that she was fed up with all that judgement I have of “rich bitches” was my wake up call that my steady diet at the narcs that inflicted so much pain was warping me into an angry bitter person. ( I was seeing my sister in those rich bitches and feeling deeply grieved by her rejection I choose hatred as a response to anyone that had that air about them. Sometimes they didn’t and I projected it) It is the brick house I built to protect myself.

    I didn’t know how alienating and repulsive it was to those that know me or how far from God living in that acid bath of fury made me. But, you know, I think God understands we want to be different but don’t know how. And I think He will make a way.

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    • Katie, I’m glad you could see what your hate toward the “rich bitches” was doing to you. I have often felt that way too. In my mind, for some reason, I always think of Ns as rich yuppie types, but in reality there are many narcissists who are neither rich or successful. Some are poor slugs who sit at home all day and act like victims. Or they’re janitors or housemaids. You never know. Also I’m aware there are many rich successful people who are also kind and compassionate. But it’s a stereotype that’s hard to let go of. Because of my experience with narcissistic yuppie types, I have a knee-jerk reaction to that “type” of person –“oh, they must be a narc,” when the reality may be the opposite. I always have to be mindful of this tendency to stereotype. And I have to remember that not all narcs are created equal and a few may not be so far gone as to not be redeemable (not by you or me, of course–but by the grace of God and/or intensive, competent therapy). For the rest, I just pray for them. That’s all you can do.

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  2. Hey there,

    Don’t be too hard on yourself; you’ve been put into an impossible situation (impossible not to have those feelings). It’s really difficult to deal with things when important people like this are in your life. You’ll get over it eventually; you’re not going to turn into a monster or a permanently damaged loser.

    Do you ever do mindfulness meditation where you focus on your breath (the feeling in your nostrils) and breathe with your diaphragm? Then a scenario/rumination pops into your head and just keep bringing your attention back to your breath.

    I’ve been doing this for 20 minutes a day lately and it has allowed me to detach from the whirlwind of the type of emotions and thoughts you’re describing- it enables you not to get sucked into a downward spiral.

    Google “mindfulness meditation”- incredibly freeing. It enables you to choose which thoughts you pursue and quiet down all the chatter in your head.

    btw- I think you’ve got a very bright future as a writer.

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    • Hi Jim, as a Borderline (recovering), I practice mindfulness. I took DBT classes and found them very helpful. But the recent events this week have caused mindfulness to fly out the window and all my bpd/c-ptsd symptoms are back with a vengeance. I guess what I have to do now is be mindful about being mindful! Thank you for your suggestions and encouragement! 🙂

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      • Well, the mindfulness is hard work. I bet if you put all your energy into focusing on (whatever you focus on in the present) now despite all this noise clamoring for your attention, it’ll pay off big time. You gotta fight… for your right… to have a decent life. Yikes!

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        • Oh, and if I may be so forward, please don’t call yourself “a Borderline” (even recovering). I don’t think you’re a borderline. I think you’re a PERSON with characteristics along those lines, who once was 3 and didn’t get what they needed at that stage, just like nobody got all of what we needed at that stage, some more than others. I just don’t see how that’s helpful, especially for someone with black and white thinking tendencies. I mean, who’s to say really?

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          • The “borderline” label is very stigmatizing, but I’m used to it and it doesn’t bother me. However, my therapist recently told me he thought I’d recovered and only had PTSD. That may be the case but my identity is still tied up with being “BPD” lol. Personally, I think BPD is just another name (a more pejorative one) for severe PTSD or C-PTSD. I don’t think they’re much different. Some people think the borderline label should just be done away with completely, and I don’t disagree with that.

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        • I truly believe it, you get right to the heart of the matter quickly, interestingly, and enjoyably. And your writing seems very honest to me. It’s what I needed to hear today, so I think you’ve got something important to say. I think you should take this course and get right to it, time’s a wastin: https://www.udemy.com/kindle-publishing-course/ (that’s not an affiliate link or my course). People like us, all people actually, need a goal. It will be good for you. You can do it for sure- it’s not like successful authors are gods. You’ll do it eventually anyways, so don’t end up kicking yourself for wishing you had started sooner. I agree about the ptsd. To be blamed for everything, and co-opted into nodding your head while your mother calls you insipid in a sideways and completely deniable manner (oh don’t be so sensitive!)… I can relate. It’s very confusing and traumatizing- constantly as a child. Thanks, Mom! But our brains can remodel, I’ve been watching YouTube videos about neuroscience and mindfulness meditation … Your amygdala (fear and anger part of brain) actually shrinks after 8 weeks of 20 minutes/day, probably sooner . I was reading the other day that MRIs are showing even schizophrenia can be healed. You’re motivated, that’s really all it takes and that’s something a scapegoater can probably never have. I’m gonna watch that video now.

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          • Sorry can’t help myself… Before you beat yourself up too much with the Matthew verses, remember this promise from Isaiah 54:
            4 “Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
            5 For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.
            6 For the LORD has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God.
            7 For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you.
            8 In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the LORD, your Redeemer.
            9 “This is like the days of Noah to me: as I swore that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth, so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you, and will not rebuke you.
            10 For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
            11 “O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundations with sapphires.
            12 I will make your pinnacles of agate, your gates of carbuncles, and all your wall of precious stones.
            13 All your children shall be taught by the LORD, and great shall be the peace of your children.
            14 In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you.
            15 If anyone stirs up strife, it is not from me; whoever stirs up strife with you shall fall because of you.
            16 Behold, I have created the smith who blows the fire of coals and produces a weapon for its purpose. I have also created the ravager to destroy;
            17 no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD and their vindication from me, declares the LORD.”

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          • Thanks for the info and the link! I’ve heard about the fear and anger part of the amygdala shrinking too. I didn’t know that about schizophrenia–interesting! What about narcissists? What happens to their brains and can they be healed too?
            Thanks for the Kindle publishing info too. I’ll bookmark this and yeah I do plan to write a book at some point. Witing this blog has been so helpful to me and it feels great that it helps others too.

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  4. Karma, or God, or the Universe will balance all this out for you. Horrible things seem to happen to people who’ve hurt me. People can either choose to make things right, or something forces them to make it right, or they get their Karma, and that kind of Karma is much worse than anything I’d ever wish on them. Be confident in this because vengeance is a million times better when you leave it alone. Just wait . . . and you will see.

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  6. Friend, do not afraid, for God is with you, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” – Matthew 28:20
    I know this is a hard time, a time when Satan is trying to overpower you making you believe whatever that is troubling you.
    But I know that only a miracle can make you strong again, and you know that miracle is now God telling you that He loves you a lot. And that he has a great plan for you.
    Satan is defeated.
    I will pray for you friend, I know my words cannot heal you of your loss, but God’s word can.
    I will pray for you friend. Do not worry. God is close to the broken heartened. He is surely gonna lift you up, and be with you always.
    I ask this prayer through Jesus Christ our Lord, in the Spirit of God to our father, Father, help her. Amen Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

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  8. Awesome post! I am going no contact with my elderly parents right now due to the fact that they are so predatory, compulsively lying deeply immoral people . I know that you and others understand that the narcissist is never benign. They are virulent, infectious, invasive, uncontrollable, dangerous, incurable, life-depleting…..hence malignant!

    I thought I could maintain some type of limited relationship with them at a distance because of their age. But they just never stop scheming. They try to pull me into all sorts of crazy even at their age. It always feels so good when you finally make the break from a narcissist because it drains so much life-force to be involved with them. By the time no-contact is established it feels like the noose coming off your neck. You know whats so interesting though? So many adult children even from relatively “normal” families are whoring themselves out to parents who continue, even in adulthood, to impose a false role and identity onto the adult child. Because they never individuated from their parents… they don’t realize that they grown independent selves. So they continue in codependent relationships with their parents. And the adult child THINKS he has a relationship and a bond with the parents. But in a way they don’t unless the parent is really healthy and has allowed them to launch . Frequently many adult children sold their growth and maturity to keep the parents pleased because they fear loosing the parents approval. They fear breaking the bond. They fear being alone. It takes courage to leave parents. For me it’s not a big deal as it was in previous years. I had to go no-contact with my mom for many years a while ago. And I have individuated from my parents so it’s not excruciating as it once was. I’m grateful that they can’t really harm me at this point.

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    • LMary, I think what you said is true. Even “normal’, non-N parents can’t cut the ties with their adult children (and vice versa), but I think this is something more common among Millennials, for a few reasons: 1. jobs are scarce and the ones that exist are low paying and can’t support an adult; and 2. Boomer parents, I think, have encouraged prolonged dependency. I don’t think Millennials are any more “entitled’ and “narcissistic” than any other generation (that’s the sterotype though, because they’re still young) but I do think for both social and personal reasons, they’re a lot more dependent for a longer time than earlier generations.

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