Truth teller.

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truth_teller

I am the truth teller in my family. Because of that I have been scapegoated and disowned. I’m well aware of the possibility of my family seeing this, but due to the indifference I’ve been able to develop toward them (which I think is healthier than the hatred and rage I used to feel), I can now say this without guilt. It’s also the only way I can ever “communicate” with them about how I really feel, as if that would make any difference. It won’t, but at least they will know, and they should know. I’ve hesitated about ever writing a post like this, but I’ve kept this inside too long, and need to get it out there for all to see. That’s what this blog is for, after all.  It’s about MY life, not theirs.

1. I was trained by my family to be a victim (scapegoated child). I was never given the emotional tools to do well in life, or much financial help either after I turned 18. My family had money, but would not pay for my college education. I had to pay for it myself and take out loans. (My father did pay for my son’s college education. I’m not bitter about this but grateful at least he got help).

2. I live in poverty because I lacked those emotional and survival tools to do well on my own. I have had extremely low self esteem my entire life and felt incompetent in most things because of the way I was treated. In addition to having no confidence and being painfully shy (which is a handicap out in the world today), I also can’t connect in any meaningful way with people, so I am all alone in my 50s as well as poor.

3. My family, who still has money, refuses to help me. Not that they should have to at my age, and not that I would ask, but they never have (except during the few times they were shamed into it by people in authority, but I won’t get into that here because it’s irrelevant). In loving families, when a child, no matter how old, is struggling, everyone pitches in to help. That doesn’t mean support them forever, just help them get back on their feet so they can make a fresh start. But my family isn’t normal. My mistakes are not tolerated. I failed to meet their unrealistic standards of perfection, so I don’t deserve a second chance. But this shouldn’t surprise me. They are a family of narcissists, both covert and overt, with my mother at the helm. Others in the family live well and get help when they need it. But not me.

4. I have been disowned, even though I was a “good kid” who never got in serious trouble, didn’t do drugs, get in trouble with the law, etc. No, I wasn’t “easy” (I had lots of BPD and complex PTSD episodes and severe mood swings), but overall, I wasn’t a bad kid, just really fucked up in the head. They hold it against me that I “went back” to my sociopathic malignant NPD ex, even though I was so victimized at the time I felt like I had no other choice. I felt like I had nowhere else to go. But I think I would have been disowned anyway, because I was the scapegoat of the family and singled out for this treatment when it became clear I was the one who saw through all the lies and bullshit.  Even though I’m no longer with my sociopathic ex, as far as I know, I’m still written out of the will.  No one ever tells me anything.

4. My mother has triangulated against me and turned the entire family against me so everyone thinks I’m crazy and evil and wants nothing to do with me. She has actually told her relatives I deserve nothing and “brought this on myself.” No one in the family (except my children and my father) talks to me.  (My mother and I do exchange cards, but they are very generic and impersonal).   I’m never invited to any family functions. I’m grateful at least my kids  know I’m not this horrible person the rest of the family thinks I am. Actually, they told me they think I was a good mother who did the best I could with what I had to work with.  That means a lot.

4. They throw their disdain and contempt toward “the poor” in my face all the time, quoting Tea Party screeds about how all poor people are lazy and leeches on society and deserve to be poor. This is done to shame me and make me feel like an outsider, which of course I am.

scapegoat_child

I try not to be bitter about all this, but it’s so hard sometimes. To survive, I had to become indifferent toward them and think of them as pathetic little victims themselves, otherwise the rage would have destroyed me. Actually, I do have love for my father, who I do believe loves me. But he’s under the thrall of the rest of the narcs, who keep telling him how useless, crazy, and undeserving I am.

That’s what I get for being the truth teller in my family. The one who can see through all the bullshit.

Until I found the narcissistic abuse community, I felt all alone. I’d never known anyone who was treated this way by their family of origin. But my experience seems to be a common one among so many victims of narcissistic parents. So many of us have “failed at life” because we were never given the tools to do well, or allowed to develop any self confidence. We were always told we’d fail at anything we ever did and not allowed to try things when we were young. But then later we were blamed for not achieving great things in life. I’ve never seen so many people living in poverty in their 40s and 50s except among other children of narcissistic parents.  Why is it that so many of us don’t discover what we’ve been up against until so late in life?

It’s incredibly painful to realize our own family doesn’t love you and probably never really did.  I used to envy others for their loving families and still do, but it’s time to move on.  Indifference is the only way I can cope with having been rejected by the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally.

I’m getting enraged now so I need to stop writing this and go back to being indifferent.

Further reading:

Why Family Scapegoats Become Lifelong Victims

It’s All About Image: The Skewed Values of Narcissistic Families

 

78 thoughts on “Truth teller.”

  1. Every time I think I may be getting a handle on all my crap, I’m reminded of something else. Yeah. Generally I’ve been lumping the scapegoating in with C-PTSD. But damn! I can check off just about everything you listed as a problem with your family. I’ve become so inward focused that I’m failing to acknowledge the problems outside me, that helped make me who I am. Thanks for the reminder. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • You’re welcome. It’s not your fault you have those problems. It’s common in people with families who rejected us. We never got proper mirroring, and basically were abandoned, leading to complex PTSD and in my case, BPD too. How on earth can you be a happy, successful person with a yoke like that around your neck? Yet I’m determined to, even at my age. I will NOT die the lonely failure they think I am. That’s why I’m working so hard at changing myself. It’s the only thing I can do, and it seems to be working. 🙂
      But no, you can’t blame yourself and the problem didn’t originate with you, it originated with them. Were you the whistle-blower and truth teller in your family? Also, if you’re highly sensitive (I’m an HSP) you’re most likely going to be singled out too, because HSPs can see through all the lies.

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      • I don’t know if I was the truth teller. I may have been, very young. I remember speaking my truth to my mother and her shouting at me to never tell anyone that or I’d be locked away (it was a comment that I saw no reason to live). Certainly anything I failed at became something to bring up for decades. To continue to hold over my head and rub into my wounds. But the greatest behavior exhibited towards me was that my family ignored me. I can’t get over the fact that at 16 when my feet hurt so much I couldn’t walk, no one did or said anything. No offers of help. No condolences. No checking on me. Just walk on by with that strange look on their faces. Like I was faking it or something. I’m never believed, despite my accolades and degrees. I don’t have much to do with most of them now.

        Liked by 2 people

        • That really sucks, I’m sorry that happend to you. You must have felt just awful. 😦
          Yes, anything I failed at kept being brougth up over and over, and usually in front of other people too. The intention was to make me feel like crap, which it did.
          I remember at around age 5, having a dream about my mother and she had those black, demon eyes in the dream. I also saw them once or twice on her when she was in one of her rages. She always frightened me. During my teens, I used to rail on her about her “emptiness” and “shallowness.” Even then, I knew what she was, even though I didn’t have a word for it yet. I read “People of the Lie” years later and I recognized her immediately (and my ex too).

          Liked by 3 people

            • Oh, you should! It’s written from a Christian perspective, but even if you’re not religious, it will still open your eyes, and I think M. Scott Peck tried to focus on the psychological/scientific aspect of malignant narcissism in spite of the somewhat religious overtones. This was the book that started it all–it wasn’t even called malignant narcissism back when he wrote it in 1983, but many ACONs consider this book one of the ones that first opened their eyes to what they’d been up against, even if they’re not religious.

              Liked by 3 people

          • Lucky otter, I want to ask a question about something you said above. “Even then, I knew what she was, even though I didn’t have a word for it yet.” I’ve heard this said once about my narc mother too, I was told,”There ARE people who know WHO SHE IS.” Now, I’m familiar with People Of The Lie and just last week listened to Part 1 of the audio-book. I myself didn’t know WHO narc mother WAS. She was difficult, sometimes irrational, overly-strict etc but I remained a devoted daughter anyway. Then when the mask slipped, and I heard different sounding voices come from her usually quiet, reserved, and composed speech, well, I almost dropped to the ground. I couldn’t believe all of the different sounding and behaving attitudes who came from a quiet woman who appears straight-laced, almost nun-ish, a woman others describe as, “A woman of few-words.” Yes she wears her blouses buttoned-up to the neck, or even chin if she could. So when people say, “Who SHE IS or WAS.” Who is she? Dare I ask? The great impersonator perhaps?

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            • I’m sorry about not replying to your comment right away–I didn’t see it until now. Well, I hate to say that anyone is possessed by a demon–that seems like judgment to me–but I think it’s entrely possible that’s why you heard the different voices coming out of her. I don’t think it was your imagination. Even my father, who simply can’t see my mother’s evil nature (and was codependnet on her for many years) DID hear my ex’s voice change. In fact, he said he never believed in the Devil or Satan until he heard my ex;s voice over the phone once–he said it sounded gutteral and animalistic–like the voice of the demon in The Exorcist. He said it was like he just froze and suddenly KNEW what my ex was, and from then on has believed the devil is a very real presence.

              It’s very common for evil people (what Peck called malignant narcissists before there was a word for them–he just called them “evil”) to present a “saintly” image. Many cloak themselves in pious Christianity and can quote Bible verses at the drop of a hat. That’s why works DO matter–because so many “Christians” act anything but, and treat others like objects or worse. So it’s not surprising your mother was all tight laced and prim and proper. They use that to hide the evil that’s in hiding. It’s the false self you are seeing.

              I think what happens is, when someone has jettisoned their true self, even if it wasn’t their own choice and it happened at an early age due to abuse they suffered, there is an empty void within. That void gets filled with SOMETHING and I think sometimes evil entities enter the void left behind. At that point, the narcissist can not be healed, at least not by conventional psychotherapy. If they are to be cured, it would have to be an act of God, maybe an exorcism could work on some. I just don’t know.

              But I don’t think what you heard was a delusion. I think you were seeing what she really became, and whatever it was, it wasn’t good.

              Liked by 1 person

          • anything that made me feel joyful…she shut down.. instead of praise… one time I was so proud of myself as a 12 or 13 year old..i had done a babysitting job I think.. and I actually donated the $!! $15 or $20 at most,but pretty much all of what I earned from baysitting an evening.. and the evil tone went into her voice… and she said scowling “charity starts at home” we were well off WTF!!???? wanting a CHILDS money???? NO,just didnt want me to feel proud… or good about life and people… she was so angry gave away $20.
            this is a burden to carry in secret what I really feel. my brothers want to beat me up over it..
            last I visited her (I am expected to) I made the trusting mistake ONCE AGAIN to open up and share myself. and was getting all excited and passionate about writing… and telling my mother about a new theory theyre teaching now in colleges, I had already expressed that it INSPIRES me….and suddenly.. demon jumps in…. she scowls ..MEAN tone… “why would they teach that nonsense I wish they wouldn’t” and something worse to that effect im glad I forgot…..but I did speak back to her and say” that was mean, I just told you its interesting to me and you go and say its nonsense and they should have “something better” to teach in school “(the woman never went to school lol) just wanted to get at me….
            its those little digs… that tell us.. when they are supposedly “more tame” to the outward eye..they want us to KNOW they still got it! when we are adult children who have moved out and are no longer under their control….its little verbal digs . insane
            I cant even imagine someone smiling and getting all passionate and sharing their interests with me in joy and excitement and I say “don’t they have something better to teach than that?”MEANNNNNNNNNNN TONE
            I mean cmon
            these people are downright sinister!!!! point was I was sharing of MYSELF and like I said once again I never learn!!!! but how visit if I cant share.. I cant go KNOWING its all shit… I must be happy!!! its HER problem……. in fact after she did that little comment I stood up and went on about it like..no poor mother you must have misunderstood its awesome lol and I waxed rhapsodic about the new writing theory … I continued:) like she never said anything or was just mistaken…
            if anything she was under my control for she then said something rather agreeable…
            BUT I am wise to it all.
            and I have NO DESIRE to be in any power position, I hate it. I was hurt its not like a mother.
            we all have a definition of what a mother is and no one makes them fail but themselves. and if we are better mothers they cant handle it.
            they revert to childlike bullying…
            maybe they are deeply hurt? and feel rejected as mothers?even that is too much to put on a child for we desperately WANTED their love and to love them… and like I said no one is making them act sinister!
            forget bringing religion into the narcissistic mother types..anyone have a religious narc mother??
            now that’s really hard too.
            when I became Christian to spite me and hate me she threw that away too.. talk about hate…or used it against me etc… when she wouldnt follow it herself…
            my family seemed to try and make me stop reading the Bible or something.. it was strange…
            well I certainly wasn’t allowed to have a SAVIOUR!!!!
            or to feel like a good person! a “Holy” happy person… but I did anyway.it was natural with my belief system.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Wait…you are EXPECTED to see your mother? Who is expecting you to? She’s going to continue to bombard you with those velvet gloved insults and sneak attacks and continue to chip away at your life-force! I hope your visits with her are limited! People like your mother hate anything good in you…like your generosity and charity…because they know it’s something they can never be, and they envy those qualities. But of course they will never admit it…

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  2. I was the scapegoat in my family and my sister the Golden Child. I didn’t understand they were narcissists but i took 15 years off from any contact whatsoever with them all to protect my daughter and I. I just reconnected last year and they are worse! My sister, the Golden Child, has been arrested and been in jail. She also stole from her church when she was married and they could have had her arrested if they had wanted to. My mom even admitted to me that my sister became an alcoholic who stole pain meds from her and she pulled her son out of high school to be her emotional husband so he didn’t graduate nor get his GED; and now he he has abandoned his wife, divorced her and left their child moving to a different state working dead-end jobs. My daughter, like me, has a degree and we’ve been living successful lives but when we came back and connected with my narc family we were still treated like shit and scapegoated and my narc sister is still babied and accommodated as The Special One. I think it is because we are truth-tellers and won’t put up with the BS and hold people accountable if they act up or cross unacceptable boundaries. I went back to no contact with the all in less than a year. At least now I know they are narcissists and I can understand them and heal with the help of therapy. Thanks so much for being vulnerable and sharing!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re welcome, Diana, and thanks for sharing your story. Yes, they sound like horrible people. The fact you and your daughter have been able to be successful in spite of their scapegoating you just goes to show that no matter how we turn out, our “roles” in the family as scapegoat are not likely to change. The GC will always be the GC who can do no wrong. The SG will always be the SG no matter what. If I was a millionaire, I’d still be the scapegoat, only my mother would go on and on about how my success “doesn’t count” (whenever I achieved anything, to her it “didn’t count” for some reason and she found some ways to put my achievements down).

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  3. PS I think it is ALWAYS a bad sign about someone’s heart and character when they like or quote the 1% and Tea Party Elite and I think God hates it when the groups affiliate themselves with Him. These people are so cruel and such hypocrites! I don’t think our degrees or finances mean anything about our value to the narcs. I am struggling financially because I just happened to be going through some serious medical things when I reconnected with my family and something in me knew not to trust them with this information about our lives even though of course I wanted emotional support and hugs as I am going through these things; but now, I am SO happy I didn’t trust them with this info of my life! They would have used it put me down. I found it interesting that they treated me the way they did with them believing I was doing well financially. It doesn’t matter once you have been their scapegoat they don’t quit. I think of the famous that made it to the top like Johnny Cash and Tyler Perry and they took care of their abusive parents too after they “made it” and those narc family members still tried to put them down as failures and no good and look down on them with haughtiness.

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    • I agree with you, and imo it’s a sign that we are living in narcissistic times and psychopathy and narcissism are considered virtues, while qualities like empathy are considered a weakness. It’s very, very sick. I don’t like to get too political here because I realize some of my readers are more conservative, and I respect that, but I really just don’t understand the love affair America has with crass capitalism and the denigration of the most vulnerable people in society. Ergh! It makes me so mad!

      It really sucks when it’s your OWN FAMILY throwing that shit at you.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m definitely the truth teller in my family. I accept that I’ve always been and always will be. And like you, I’m simply indifferent now. Just today, I was looking at my finances and thinking about the whole poverty thing. And I came to the realization that I don’t have a lot because I was too busy looking for love (because I didn’t get it growing up) and I made it a priority over everything else. To me, love trumped everything, but after reading your post maybe I’ve unconsciously been responding to all the subtle cues I’ve received since I was a child. But that’s neither here nor there now because since I’ve been on this healing journey, I’ve begun to reprioritize my life. Even though it’s later in life for me, I still believe that it will all work out, that some good is going to come out of my life. Thank you for sharing this post.

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    • YES YES YES! That’s it! I was always so busy when I was younger looking for the “perfect man” (perfect parent substitute) that I completely ignored developing any career skills or ambition in the world. Even when it wasnt fashionable, my only real dream was to get married and have babies, to recreate the perfect family I never had. It was such an unrealistic fantasy. Yes, I have two wonderful kids, but I married a man who nearly destroyed me, and tried to destroy my son too and nearly turned my daughter into a flying monkey. But in the bginning, he was everything.
      I fear my daughter is going in this same direction I did. She’s incredibly intelligent (high IQ) but she has no ambition and is obsessed with “love” at the expense of everything else. But unlike my parents, she will never be abandoned and dismissed as a “loser who deserves what she gets.” I’m praying she sees the light.

      Now that I know none of this was my fault, and that I know why I was so obsessed with creating the perfect family and marrying the perfect man (and am older), I’m finally now beginning to focus on what I want to do for the rest of my life, which is writing. I’m seeing a wonderful trauma therapist who is reparenting me (I really lucked out there) and together we are slowly working on building my self confidence and getting to the root of my BPD and Complex PTSD. I’ve completely given up on ever being accepted by my family. They are all but dead to me.

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  5. Thank you for writing this blog it is a true public service. I wish I’d read it decades ago I think my life would have been far different had I understood what I was dealing with Truth telling is absolutely not tolerated in my narcissistic family and I couldn’t seem to not tell the truth. With the non-verbal learning disability that I have, life was absolute hell in a childhood where no one meant what they said. As a result I was constantly chronically anxious because at any moment the shoe would hit me. Mommie dearest expected me to read her wishes (not her mind, no narcissist wants you to actually read their mind). Her wish is that I would worship her. Narcissists want worship and if you aren’t prone to give them that in some form you will have hell to pay. I think what disturbs me most once I understood what was really going on, decades into a poverty stricken life is that I see so many instances where my siblings perpetrated what my mom started.

    Ironically, the worst Narcissistic perpetrator in my family, now that my mom is stricken with Alzheimers , is my psychotherapist sister. She is a work of art in terms of manipulation genius and keeping up mommy dearest legacy of slaughtering one of her children. She wants the worship of clients, whom she hates in fact. IT makes me sick that rather than deal with her part in what was torture for me, stand in solidarity and heal what is broken, she does her best to keep the myths alive “there was once a girl that should not have been born in the house of the golden people because she was very, very bad” The message from her and my brother was a profound anti-life message, “you should not exist you take up air that belongs to us”

    Luckyotter parts of your story are remarkably similar to mine as I read about the scapegoats life. I was un-invited from family gatherings with these words “your siblings are uncomfortable around poor people, so we don’t want you to come to Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever special event I was invited to. I was thusly uninvited at the last minute.

    This meant I made no holiday plans, and that their snapshops and facebook opulent displays of family togetherness were rubbed in my face as I wept through yet another holiday alone. I repeated this insanity of gratefully accepting a holiday invitation and then being told not to come many times until I wised up. I didn’t understand that my mother got some sadistic pleasure out of ruining my holidays I believed that something about me was so awful besides the poverty that I was intolerable to be around. I became quite isolated as a result To this day I struggle with “every one’s invited but you”

    I found out as well, distant family all over the country heard incredible lies about my life from my N mother that created dramatic tales that I was a drug addicted mentally ill prostitute. In fact, .I was a church attending straight arriw that didn’t dance drink or smoke, or date. None of them knew I’d gotten a masters degree or that I was a kind and generous person. They were all afraid of me when I went East for a visit. One or 2 cousins bothered to meet me and those 2 that did, understood what kind of liar my mom was. But I didn’t have the heart left to meet others and try to explain why someones mother tries to create an orphan life for them in a world that is already brutalizing them.

    Sorry this is long,.. I know others here have experienced these same things. One thing I will not do that is claim to have a mental illness because that serves the family mythology that something is broken about me. They are not that powerful. I had a pain filled life. It never was about what was wrong with me PTSD is the only NORMAL reaction to a life threatening situation. Yes, and writing is part of healing

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    • I got teary eyed reading your story. I can relate so much to it. In a way yours was worse because your mother turned your sister against you to continue the family “tradition.” Your sister a psychotherapist–haha! Unfortunately it’s true–many therapists (fortunately NOT mine, who even agrees with me that going no contact with my mom was a step in the right direction–usually they are trying to get you to “make up with them–they’re your family”!) are narcissists and get supply from being a “guru” to the”crazies” who come to them for help.

      Oh, God, the rejection of being uninvited and having it thrown in your face. It’s horrible. I’ve also had the “you’re too poor, we are upper middle class and your lifestyle embarrasses us”). I didn’t cry–I can’t cry, but I used to rage and the hurt was profound. Now I just don’t care. It’s so much easier once you can reach that point of no longer caring.

      I remember the first time I moved out due to my ex’s abuse. I was actually told to “go become a nun–they’ll take care of you!” I wasn’t even Catholic! I was told by another family member to find a homeless shelter. And I had 2 small children at the time! WHAT SORT OF FAMILY SAYS THAT TO ONE OF THEIR OWN???? An evil one, that’s what kind. That’s when I realized there was no love for me to be had and never was. Before that I used to hope that somehow I was wrong. I was always so afraid of displeasing them but it was an exercise in futility because they would disapprove of me no matter what. Even if I was rich and famous, they would still find something to hate me for.

      My own mother abandoned her first two children and now her oldest daughter (who was 7 when my mother left her) takes care of her and has been turned against me too. That’s f’ing crazy!
      Yes, it’s like being an orphan and it’s so, so unfair. You never really get over it, you never really get over the profound sense of abandonment and go through life terrified of being abandoned by everyone you get close to. That’s why I can’t get close to people and live as a near-hermit. I’m working on this in therapy, and I’m lucky enough to have a kind, empathetic therapist who actually got tears in his eyes listening to my story. He says I was horribly abused. He knows about narcissism and cluster B disorders (unfortunately I have one too, but at least it’s not NPD!). I feel like I’m making progress, but it’s going to take a long time and some of the wounds will never heal. But I ‘m glad that through my experiences, I can help others who are in the same boat. And that’s why I blog about it and also about my mental illness(es) which I have because of them (and my ex).
      Thank you for your comments! I hope you read more.

      Liked by 3 people

    • OH WOW — Katiesdream2004 — I relate to almost everything you said. Especially about your mother telling such horrible lies about you that she has actually made the rest of your family afraid of you.

      It’s almost unbelievable, isn’t it? That a mother would tell the most evil, vicious, soul killing, character assassinating lies about her own daughter, and make everyone afraid to even be around you? How do you fight that? How do you prove that none of the lies are true?

      My mother has been lying about me since I was 14 years old. I am now in my early 60s. She’s in her 80s. And she is still lying! I went no contact (for the final time) a few years ago, after my mother sent me a 62 page letter full of hate and lies and twisted, out of context half truths. That horrible letter told me everything that supposedly was ever “wrong” with me in my entire life — and she sent copies of that 62 page hate letter to my siblings and to my aunt, my mother’s only sibling.

      The one good thing about it was that it opened my aunt’s eyes to the truth about my mother. My aunt has referred to my mother ever since as her “evil ex-sister.” She has even called her that right on Facebook.

      But everyone else in my family of origin apparently believes my mother’s lies. It’s a lonely, crazy-making way to grow up.

      And yes, I agree that PTSD is a NORMAL reaction to overwhelming trauma, just as bleeding is a normal reaction to being stabbed. A few years ago I made a graphic in the shape of a red stop sign that has those words printed on it. Those are the words that my doctor said to me when he diagnosed my PTSD in 2003. I used a red stop sign as the background to represent “Stop the Stigma.”

      As holocaust survivor Viktor E. Frankl, MD, PhD, said in his best selling classic MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING: “An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.” 🙂

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      • It’s really uncanny the way they twist everything around so wrong becomes right, lies become ‘truth”, up becomes down and the sky is gteen and you’re crazy if you think it’s blue. Gaslighting is about the most evil thing someone can do to a person. It should be against the law, unfortunately there’s no way to enforce that.

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        • My mother tried to gas us all to death when I was 12, right? She confessed it to me at the time that this was what she was doing all those nights when the pilot light went out and the thermostat on the gas furnace was turned up as high as it would go… but apparently the furnace had a safety shut-off valve that saved us. Either that, or God saved us, I don’t know.

          But a year and a half later, when I had my post traumatic breakdown (more than a decade before PTSD was a known diagnosis), my mother jumped at the chance to get rid of me by putting me in a mental institution at the age of 14. This upset my mother’s new husband, my good stepfather, my grandparents, and my little brothers and sisters that I had been the primary caretaker for, very much. My sisters and brothers cried and begged our mother to let me come home. My stepfather went to a lawyer to try to stop her, and threatened to divorce her. And my grandparents and my aunt, who had seemed to love me before this, were very upset. They wanted to know how she could send her young daughter to the most notorious insane asylum in the state, against my own doctor’s advice, mind you, when I was a good obedient girl and had never acted crazy or violent in any way!

          So then my mother told the worst projecting lies about me, to get them off her back and to save her marriage. She told everyone that she had to lock me up, because I had confided in her that I was planning to kill the whole family!! MY MOTHER TOLD MY FAMILY THAT *I* WAS PLOTTING TO DO, THE HORRIBLE EVIL THING THAT *SHE* HAD IN FACT DONE! SHE did, in fact, try to kill us all when I was 12 and she was so depressed going through her divorce from my dad. She confided in me what she had done and told me she thought she had the right to kill us since she had brought us all into the world. She said life was so hard she would be doing us a favor in killing us. And she told me that I could not ever tell a soul about her confession, otherwise she would go to prison “for life” and the five of us kids would go to five foster homes and never see each other again. And I loved my little sisters and brothers more than life itself, it was a fate worse than death, the thought of never seeing them again. So I kept my mother’s secret, which of course was the WRONG THING TO DO… but I was only 12!!!! and then less than 2 years later she lies and tells my whole family that I need to be institutionalized or else I would kill them!!! I never never never never no way not in a million years would do such a thing or even think it. But they have believed my mother ever since she told that lie in 1968.

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          • Oh my God… I have been afraid to come right out and tell this part of my story… and now I have told it. And I am glad that I told it. I mean, I have told my therapist and my husband and a few close friends. But to write it out like this… I could not do it until now.

            Thank You, Lucky Otter, for being a safe place where I could tell my most painful secret.

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            • I’m always here ready to listen. You have such amazing stories too. So painful and terrible of course, but always riveting and fascinating. Your mother was a monster, trying to gas all of you to death and then say that YOU had planned to murder the family! And then be able to sleep at night? I can’t even wrap my head around that. Scary! I’m happy you were finally able to get the right therapist and realize that you were never the crazy one after all.

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          • This is just horrible. Reading this makes me mad and sad at the same time. Mostly mad at your family members for believing your mother. It doesn’t make sense. Most mothers try to hide their children’s flaws (and if they can’t hide them then they usually defend them). So if a mother is going around telling everyone how awful their child is, red flags should automatically go up. Most mothers will never speak ill of their children, even if they were a serial killer… It’s nothing but pure evil. We were lambs among wolves but we survived… I am in awe of you and others who survived this ordeal and are on these blogs sharing your experience and helping others. As for your mother and the relatives that believe your mother’s lies… WOLVES.

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            • You’re right, normal mothers don’t call attention to their children’s flaws or make them out to be worse than they really are. It’s as if, if you can’t be the perfect mini-me and give them all the supply they want, they turn you into a monster and almost seem to take a weird kind of pride, almost bragging about how horrible you are. It’s really weird. What her mother did is simply unconscionable.

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            • I think they spread all these lies mainly to ruin our credibility which is common among abusers–so that when we do speak up and tell the truth, no one will believe us. And it works primarily because most people can’t fathom a mother treating their child this way–like they’re the enemy. So they get away with murder of our souls.

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            • Lynnette — thank you so much. Your caring, affirming words are like rain in the desert to a parched soul. Thank you!

              I’m not surprised that my brothers and sisters believed our mother’s lies at the time, because they were so young. I was an only child until two months before my seventh birthday, when my mother had twin girls. Fifteen months later, my mother had a handicapped boy, then two years after that she had another boy. So when I was fifteen, which is how old I was when my mother lied about me, my siblings ranged from age five to eight. They didn’t know better than to believe her.

              As for the rest of my family, my grandparents, etc… that’s another story. I will be writing about this in my guest post that I am doing for Lucky Otter in the near future, on the topic of mental illness stigma. In my experience, the worst of stigma comes from your own family.

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            • The sad part about it is that most of the older relatives could see that something is wrong but never spoke up (although in your case, you had several that earnestly tried). It’s truly amazing that we survived all. I really believe that God kept me for a reason and I’m going to tell my story too. I know its cliché but if my story helps just one person understand that it was not them. Your mother is the one that should have been locked away, but like a true narcissist, she projected her evils on to you. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps us survivors too. Bless you.

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            • I would love for you to read it. I should have a digital copy available the end of June. It won’t be available in paperback until Sept. Btw, I’m glad to see you back.

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            • My thoughts on that scripture has evolved to the reality that being no contact with my parents is the ONLY way I could ever possibly honor them. No one without experiencing this level of abuse could ever understand how horribly these parents dishonor themselves before God when they indulge in their torments. If they should ever drive a target to suicide ,,,well,,,then there’s really a problem for them. Staying from them is keeping both the victim safe and the disordered safer from their own degrading behaviors. Just because many fool entire families , even entire towns, police forces , judges ect. That doesn’t mean for one minute they’re not answering to God, in His own time, for every single infraction they never repent for. Makes me see no contact in a godly light, instead of the disdain this technique gets from so many Christians and councelors .

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            • Yes, but you didn’t know any better. Don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault. Now you know better. To honor her now might be wrong, but before you knew what she was, it wasn’t evil, it was just ignorance.

              Like

      • Thank you Lady Q for the support and sharing your story. People that never had this sort of mother find it hard to believe that a mother is capable of it. Those relatives that did not give me the benefit of the doubt, are people I can’t afford to have in my life. I live across the country from them, its just as well. Those church people that wouldn’t believe someone as seemingly sweet as my mother created a monster daughter story for attention and turned deaf eyes and ears toward me while supporting her, are not people I want in my life. I found that when I wanted to be understood I was vulnerable to a pain I couldn’t carry. I believed if I just said the right thing, the right way, they’d understand and believe the truth and maybe apologize for treating me like a cockroach. But they didn’t want to hear, they didn’t want to understand and I was driving myself to despair by wanting that from them. In all of it, it is the complicity of the silent good people, the people that should have asked “what about your daughter does anyone care about her?” instead of enabling the monster in my life. She’d leave emails around from her pastor exhorting her to “put boundaries on your daughter, don’t allow her in your house” for me to read. I’d done absolutely nothing but cook and clean for my mom when I saw her. The crazy making part was not knowing the extent of what she said but seeing the malicious joyful satisfaction when some authority figure backed her as the supposed “victim”. I tried to tell the pastor, the woman wouldn’t even speak to me or acknowledge my phone calls or letters. They put “boundaries” around the wrong people and narcissist love it when those authority figures abuse you. I finally found relief when I decided I don’t have to be understood. Those people that will not believe me are not friendship material. This is how I made peace with that. It helped me too that she is so stricken with Alzheimers now that no one believes her. My sister the therapist though is also a blogger that writes for families that have a “mentally ill” sibling or daughter. Failing to own position as golden child she writes about self care for those who must set boundaries with their mentally ill relative. Its code talk to stick it to me and she gets kudos from the therapy world (and probably other narcissists ) Long way of saying, its a work in progress to accept that I do not need to be understood and to walk away from those that cannot hear me. In time all will be revealed, I believe that and it gives me some peace

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        • Your mother leaving those emails around the house for you to read, reminds me of the time when I was about to be homeless (long story, but had to do with my ex’s abuse and all I needed was some love and support) and had made the mistake of crying to my mother about my desperate situation. The next day, I opened my email and found an email from my mother. But it was meant for my father (who she is divorced from) and had his name in the salutation. I don’t remember the exact words, but it said something like, “she will never learn. She has brought this on herself, and keeps making the same mistakes over and over.” I felt like i’d been kicked in the stomach. She had “accidentally” emailed it to me! I called her up and told her about it, and told her how hurt I was (another mistake). You know what she did? She LAUGHED! She said I was making a big deal over nothing and “overreacting as usual.” On top of that, she said that maybe God set things up for me to read it because i needed to know what people were really thinking about me. I was stunned by the callousness and cruelty of her attitude. So these “accidental” things are not accidents at all. They are engineered to hurt us, especially when we’re already down. They just love to kick someone who’s already lying there on the ground bleeding to death, don’t they?

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          • Oh my God…. your mother is as cruel as my mother! Writing that mean -spirited, judgmental email about you, then laughing at you for being upset by it!?!? Minimizing your pain by telling you that you were “overreacting” — and even trying to bring Almighty God in on the cruelty, by saying that maybe He caused you to get that mean email?!?! It is SOUL-KILLING for a mother to act that way.

            Even if she really didn’t “accidentally on purpose” send it to you — although I agree, she probably did do it on purpose, as mean as she is. But I accidentally sent an email to the wrong person once, so I know it is possible to do. However, my misdirected email wasn’t hurtful in any way, and I accidentally sent an email to the wrong person only ONCE, that I know of, out of the thousands of emails I have sent over the years! So the odds are that yes, your mother really did send that mean email to you on purpose!

            But even if it truly was an accident that she sent it to you — the fact that she even wrote such a mean judgmental email in the first place, putting you down to your father from whom she was long divorced, and — worst of all — the fact that she LAUGHED AT YOUR PAIN, and BLAMED YOU for being in pain, and also tried to make it GOD’S DOING, so you would feel like there was nowhere to turn for comfort, like the whole universe was against you — your mother’s actions and attitude toward you are just as EVIL and UNLOVING and UN-MOTHERLY and SOUL-KILLING, as the worst things my momster ever did to me! Including when my mother tried to gas us all to death! What your mother did in this situation, when you were already down and already hurting very badly, was SOUL MURDER. Your own mother tried to kill your soul! And that is just as sick and evil as trying to kill your body.

            Until I read this comment of yours, I never knew what it was about your mother that was so horrible. I figured there must be something really bad, I just did not know what it was. But now that I have read this, I know.

            Your mother was/is just as horrible as mine. Considering that my momster tried to gas us all to death, that is saying a lot. I’m so sorry you have a mother like mine. ((((HUG))))

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            • Yes, it was soul murder, and I agree she probably did do it on purpose.
              I’ve been hesitant to post much about my mother in this blog, knowing she occasionally reads it. I did early on (under “My Story” posts which were my earlier ones) but when I found out some family members had found it, I clammed up. Even though I am NC with her, and live 900 miles away, I still feel intimidated and controlled by her, and am afraid for some stupid reason (offending her maybe?!) to say much about her. She did a ton of evil things like this, but I haven’t talked about them much.
              But yesterday, I had a revelation. I thought to myself, what can she do? I’m not using any identifying names. It’s my blog. WHO CARES? It’s my blog and I can write whatever I wish, and if she doesn’t like it, no one held a gun to her head telling her she had to read it. (See my post “You”)

              As I get deeper into therapy, I’m examining my early experiences more, which means looking at the way she treated me as a child. So for awhile anyway, I’ll probably start writing more about that and stop avoiding the issue for fear of “hurting her feelings” or angering her. I really don’t know what I’m so afraid of. It’s stupid.
              She also was the one who told me to go become a nun when I needed help, callously dismissing my terror of becoming homeless. She said stuff like that to me all the time.
              Here’s another thing that she did that was so typical of her disdain and contempt for me. I remember having a birthday party at her apartment (I think I was around 21). I had a few friends there, but she made sure more of hers were there (a subtle way of showing she was more “popular” than me). When I was opening gifts, she gave me a dark blue dress. I weighted about 125 lbs at the time and was far from fat. However, I was bigger up top and in the rear end than she was. I always have been, even at my thinnest. She said to the room at large, in front of all my friends and hers, “____ will look slimmer in this dress because of its color.” I was mortified and wanted to sink through the floor. I ran into the other room in tears. As I slammed the door behind me, I heard her laughing to everyone, saying “______ is just so sensitive! Such a typical Cancer!” She was making my perfectly understandable hurt (anyone would have been upset by that) my fault! She turned me into a joke, someone to be laughed at. She did that a lot–always called me too sensitive or saying that I had no sense of humor. Or that I had a bad personality and drove people away. She was projecting though, because I laugh at a lot of things–it was always her that couldn’t take a joke, and her that drove people away, and God forbid you ever criticize HER physical appearance!
              I remember one of her lovers, telling me in private, that he broke up with her because of how immature she was and that he was shocked at the way she treated her own daughter!

              When I found the ACON community, I was surprised to learn that the “you’re too sensitive” thing is almost a meme among scapegoated children. They love to hurt your feelings, and then blame your hurt on you being oversensitive. I realized this is pretty common and finally felt like maybe I wasn’t the defective one. It’s a form of gaslighting, of making everything your fault, or it could be projection because a narc’s feelings are hurt by everything. You can’t criticize them, ever, or there will be hell to pay!

              Until you spelled out what she did in your own words, I never realized just how truly evil what she did was. She was out from day one to destroy my soul, because I refused to play the family game. She knew I could see through all that shit and I think that scared her. So she tried to stop me by waging war on my soul.

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            • I am glad you can see it now. What your mother did was soul murder. And I understand totally about not being able to see it until much later in life, because you grew up that way and so the insanity is “normal” to you. The same thing happened in my case. I didn’t start to really see and understand my mother’s malignant narcissism until my mid fifties.

              I also completely understand feeling afraid or like it’s “bad” to write about the hell our mothers and family of origin put us through. I wrestle with that even though my mother never was on a computer in her life. But PLEASE write more about this, if you can. We need to know we aren’t alone!!!

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            • OMG… I just reread your comment and I hope you will write a post about this:

              “I remember one of her lovers, telling me in private, that he broke up with her because of how immature she was and that he was shocked at the way she treated her own daughter!” OMG, my stepfather said similar things to me…. which is why my momster told her Big Lie about me being dangerous, to get him and everyone back on her side and against me.

              Also, my mother told me countless times, all my life, that I am “too sensitive.” But many other people, including therapists, have told me that I am amazingly strong! It really is them projecting and gaslighting imaginary faults onto us.

              Not that I am perfect, not that you are perfect, of course… no one but God is perfect. But everyone has the right to be imperfect and still be loved and cherished and respected — especially by their own mother! Scientific studies have proven that babies and children need love and approval as much as they need food and water to survive and thrive.

              Now I’ve gotta get off here and get ready for church. XOXO

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          • Yes. I thought about that today, that my siblings and my mother waited until the worst possible time and they gang kicked the living daylights out of me Like right before going to surgery for cancer. I remember I had a hospital acquired infection nearly delirious in stomach pain and my sister chose that moment to launch into a tirade about what a loser I was. I could count on it, sometimes I wondered if they were really hoping I’d get pushed over the edge and end it all. Choosing to live is an act of resistance sometimes.

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            • Don’t give up. Your mother and sister are evil. There’s no other way around that. You are a good person and evil people hate the good ones and try to destroy your soul. That’s what they do.

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            • Katie… I am stunned by what your sister did, when you were so sick and in the hospital. That is evil in the extreme.

              I love what you said, that choosing to live is an act of resistance. I know exactly what you mean!

              And that reminds me of yet another horrible thing my momster did when I was sixteen. I was horribly depressed and I foolishly hoped that my mother would care. So I told her that I was thinking of killing myself. And she said, “Well if that’s the way you feel, go ahead and do it. I’m sure you have enough pills.” And she turned and walked out of the room, leaving me alone in the room with the medicine cabinet that had all the pills.

              I hadn’t even gotten far enough in my suicidal feeling to come up with a plan yet on how to kill myself. But my evil mother not only told me that suicide was what I should do, she told me how to do it.

              Have you ever had the feeling that your heart was so badly broken, there was nothing left to break…. and then you feel it shatter all over again?

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            • My momster is still alive, last I knew.

              I was so stunned when she told me to go ahead and kill myself. It still hurts when I think about it, all these years later.

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            • That’s such a horrible thing to say to anyone, especially your own child. My mother said some pretty bad things too, like go live in a homeless shelter or become a nun when I still had 2 small children. No empathy. How can you not feel empathy for your own child?

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            • I know, right? Our mothers could almost be sisters. I say “almost” because my mother has one sibling. My aunt refers to my mother as “my evil ex-sister.” She has called her that on Facebook, lol.

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            • Yes and sometimes when I have nothing left to lose I get reckless with my life on the negative end of the spectrum. ON the positive end their mistreatment pushes me to speak the truth boldly, courageously choosing life by cutting off contact, calling evil what it is, engaging in self-care and attempting generosity out of my own need. All of it is propelled by my refusal to lay down and die. Not that I wasn’t tempted but they used those hospitalizations for attempts as further evidence I was worthless and defective. I won’t give them that satisfaction any more. They killed my soul and attempted to destroy me every opportunity they could, they don’t get my life. Every breath I take is an act of resistance and the more joy I can find is further resistance. Yet, I do still have some days in which getting out of bed at all was a major victory. Small victories are still good ones. Finding people that get it, is a victory to me…

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        • “In time all will be revealed.” I truly believe this. I heard the other day that “A lie runs but the truth walks.” The truth may take a little longer but when it gets there, the record will be set straight.

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  7. Lucky otter, you are a beautiful woman. Of course you’re very pretty, but, I’m talking about your insides, your words. This post of yours made my eyes moist. You make me feel more ok about myself and my situation. You are so healing. I just turned 50 and am poor. I recently moved from the NJ area to the South and have found that I could live better. That helps. There are so many problems that feed off of each other when we hurt in our wallets. If we don’t live very carefully and have some luck on our side, we could be sucked downward. My family too has plenty, more than they need, like 2-4 extra bedrooms in their homes while I had been(before) living in a rough area that I didn’t have the street smarts for because I was raised more middle-class. I was going to 3 different foodbanks at the time to get buy, along with skipping haircuts etc. I moved a carload only when I moved South so here I am at 50, having to buy almost everything all over again. I liked the quote you posted with the picture of the goat, near the end it said, “…pegging them as the source of all that’s wrong in the family(and world).” I had wondered about that, bc, the scapegoating I experienced was taking place outside of the family as well. I used to think I was somehow asking for it, but now, I think narc mom was ruining my reputation even in local businesses that I frequented.

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    • Hello S, I’m touched by your comments. I think we were separated at birth? I too, came from upper middle class New Jersey and moved to North Carolina. Things didn’t improve by me moving here but here I am, and have been here for almost 22 years! I think a big part o why I moved was to escape from my FOO. But, of course, I still carried her hateful words and actions inside of me, a constant presence in my brain, nagging me every second of every day, and things were made worse by being with the narcissist I married. But through him, I was also trying to escape, and to find love. As Kenny Rogers (?) used to sing, I was “looking for love in all the wrong places.” I had to love myself first.
      It’s not too late to start over, I am doing it too, it’s harder when you’re over 50 though and your prospects are slimmer. I feel like I wasted a lot of years and it’s tempting to blame myself, but I was doing what I was programmed to do, I couldn’t help the way I was back then. I didn’t know better, I thought I was the problem and thought to myself, I must have been a pretty horrible person for even my own mother to dislike me so. It wasn’t until I found out about narcissistic abuse that I began to see what was REALLY going on, and that I never had a chance with them, because I didn’t play their game and could see through them even from an early age.
      I’m glad you’re finding my words healing, and I hope you keep reading. I think I’m going to make more posts like this in the future. Thank you for your comments!

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  8. This was an amazing post. I’ve been avoiding this topic lately, but this helped me recenter. When you have a huge “loving” family you’re no contact with , the need to remind yourself why is important . Otherwise I start feeling guilty, and question my decisions.

    My father is sociopathic and highly intelligent . An encredible actor. After he retired, his constant manipulations on beloved family members amped up 10x. It was all over then, I just didn’t know it .

    Two things that still haunt me are 1. Why did I strive for decades to change my hated status for so long? I wasted money , time , energy giving to family who then proceeded to shred my rep to pieces every time. They will shit in one of your hands , while demanding a neck rub with the other.
    I’d be in such better shape now in every way if I’d kept more resources for myself and mine.

    2. How do otherwise normal people get so easily hypnotized by sociopathic lies? My mom acted so offended once after he assaulted me in front of her. I asked if he behaved that way with other family members. She was so outraged I would even suggest it. But him attacking me was ok it seemed. I deserved it in her eyes.
    There’s dozens of other episodes. Dreary and dripping with old pain and shock . I just grieve my adult sibs, my nieces and nephews I helped bring up. Not really missing my parents at all. Just relieved they’re leaving me alone.

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    • Hi, Alex,
      Mine leave me alone too, which is good. I’m sorry you had to go through that with your sociopathic dad, and your enabing mother. It makes me sick too, to think of all the years and time and effort I spent trying to get my mother to approve of me. Oh, she SAYS she loves me, but I know it’s all BS. Her actions don’t show it and have never shown it. My father is only a little better, but he’s drawn into the whole family dysfunction and still worships the ground my narc mother walks on, and always jumps to defend her, even though they’ve been divorced for over 40 years. I don’t know how people in families can be so brainwashed by one person. It’s like they fall under some kind of spell. Do they practice black magic or something? I wonder.

      Like

      • I believe everyone who suffers from the disordered and their machinations are victims of abuse that is spiritual in origin. The Devil being the father of lies keeps all these sordid pots stirring in a cesspool of degradation and despair. Humans seem to be directed when they have these brain conditions. We’re all subject to demonic influence, but the sadists don’t fall into it from time to time , they wake every morning aching to hurt and lie. They must be seen as very important assets in the eyes of Satan and his agents. I don’t think you have to be active in ritual satanism to be controlled and utilized by him. Most evil people I’ve known are even fake Christians . I guess the dark can disguise itself well.

        One other thought, reading all these stories, it’s clear tringulation with horrific motivations that never stop during a whole lifetime seem to be homicidal in nature. I was mocked by dad the few times I asked him for help when I got into dangerous situations . I could feel his glee in imagining my demise. I see other scapegoats were basically wanted dead.

        We’re all really miracles . We haven’t died, overdosed, committed suicide, been locked up for crimes we haven’t committed that we’ve probably been accused of by enemies. We even say out loud what has been done to us. Every blog and post, and comment can bring more and more victims to understanding. If I hadn’t been educated about these things I’m pretty sure I’d be gone by now. Carry on folks!

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        • Alex, I agree with you that these toxic abusers and narcissists have an illness that is spiritual in nature. I think all Cluster B disorders have a spiritual component inherent in them, and I think that needs to be addressed in treatment (when they are treated). I don’t doubt the devil exists and uses certain people to do his bidding, but I’m not sure most of them are aware of who is using them that way. They probably think, on some level, that what they are doing is right. Even Hitler thought he was doing good, even though he was evil to the core. They believe their own lies! They poison their own minds as well as their victims.
          If their victims are wanted dead by them, I think it’s because we have something they envy and hate–usually high sensitivity or the ability to see through all the lies. That terrifies them because we’re the ones who can see through into the emptiness inside their souls. We don’t believe in the false self they have created to dupe everyone into believing they’re something they’re not, and so we are a huge threat to them. They are dangerous to us because they perceive us as being dangerous to them, so they must stop us in any way they can, which usually means some kind of soul-murder. Yes, it’s evil, but I don’t think most of them think they are doing evil or are even aware of why they are doing it. Most of them have little to no insight. They are like automatons.

          But yes, we are miracles because we survived all that! We are strong, and if we survive it all, I think that makes us even stronger. We’ve been through all this for a reason only God knows.

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          • I agree about the lack of self awareness. Most people don’t accept how vulnerable we humans are to spiritual control, but I believe we’re all created propose fully to be led by either the Holy Spirit or be suscptable to lower spirit entities. We’re wired to have either force actuate our minds , then our minds compel us to movement , verbal , physical. I still think we mostly have free will on specific behavior , so we’re all accountable for our acts, but if you’re being influenced or even oppressed or possessed by a lower spirit , your decisions will be damaging and lead to suffering .

            The flip side of our vulnerable fleshly state is how beautifully the Holy Spirit can compel us to benefit ourselves. I know this power is real, or I don’t think any of us would be surviving these crazy abusers.

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          • I am so comforted to hear others talking about the spiritual part of what’s going on in these N families. I don’t expect to live my full life expectancy at this point, too much has happened. I did read that the life expectancy of BPD’s is 20 years less than the average. I am waiting for our Maker to return. I have this fantasy that in the end good and evil are revealed for all to learn and see. What a surprise so many people would be in for. I know we can’t judge but even though one is pointing the finger at the other, it’s really a no brainer because certain people ARENT hurting or punishing others(no matter how in the right they feel). That’s not for us to do. I would think the ones who are doing the harming are in the wrong. But you gotta be able to prove it.

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  9. my God,same as my own story! I was totally scapegoated and not given tools to survive.. my family was well off and I was pretty much homeless too. there was abuse from my own brothers that my mother condoned/allowed/pretended to not see etc or say its my fault..I lived in poverty as a result too.. how did we end up with narcissists on top of all the rest. all I can say is its BRUTAL. even at 28 years old , it was like I was 10 years old on my own for all intents and purposes. and whats sad is they KNEW that. everyone who met me knew I was gentle delicate and childlike even at an older age.. I had no experience in life! I was shy and kind and trusting. and naturally joyous… imagine throwing that out onto the streets. that’s exactly what they did. and ive been in shock trauma ever since… it never made sense…… I was freezing in my apartment and asked my mom for a blanket once and she literally said no its for the couch! like a “throw” to DECORATE the couch..not in use…!!! one time my brother went to hit me in a rage..and he broke the chair instead that I was sitting on (just to show how much damage he could have done to me) and my mother jumped up and said “oh no my chair!” all she cared about was her chair… its still shocking to this day… when I think about it…she never even looked at me or spoke to me at anytime after that incident to see if I was ok…
    went on like that for years…………I never told anyone, just two close friends, I never thought anyone could understand ADULT sibling abuse.. from YOUNGER brothers and also the dynamic with a mother who turns a blind eye.. I seemed soooo guilty!!!! she TOLD cops (if ever they were called by me just once a year) that im mentally ill/lying etc.. while id be in my room crying… it never occurred to me I could go to the door myself to tell the cops myself. I was totally a victim…also they didn’t ask me.. the whole “well oiled system” works well together doesn’t it????
    she spent too much time on the phone telling my older brothers what a monster I was!! so they were primed to never believe me… seems like demons to me
    I was scared to tell my older brothers for fear of disbelief..they had already turned on me as well anyway.
    they told my mother to KICK ME OUT
    what an unhealthy attitude I developed towards MEN, as me being the only female and only daughter…the boys were coddled and never had to imagine being kicked out while the girl , who also was shy and highly vulnerable,fragile anxious type…! was told to go to a homeless shelter!!!!
    it hurts my stomache to even think of this now….
    its so warped
    my mother with her house and my old EMPTY ROOM and bed.. told me I cant come into her house while my brother is there as he may attack me instantly 9which he did try once) even after I was gone a year!!! and acted HIGHLY OFFENDED that I said if I had to go to a homeless shelter I wouldn’t call her
    why would I call my mother?
    with a house and an empty room while im at a homeless shelter?? as the only white blonde there!! (I WAS TERRIFIED) and yes in such a place id stick out!!!!
    what would I say to others in the shelter who had TRUE socioeconomic issues while im just there because I have a mean mother who is well off?
    when I was working though she sure liked to take a huge chunk of $ for me for rent so I couldn’t save to leave!!! and NOT EVER charge my adult brothers for rent
    (maybe a $100 token rent which if they didn’t have and she asked for it they would yell in her face)
    but she sure preferred them!
    it went back on her though
    both of them later on with their own homes told her she is a burden…. how could be be surprised unless a narcissist herself or sociopathic!!
    SCARY STUFF HERE GUYS!

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    • Wow, Susan. I’m sorry. Your mother sounds very, very malignant and your brothers were brainwashed to be her flying monkeys. Yes, you were scapegoated BECAUSE you were sensitive and vulnerable. They both envy and hate those qualities, because they are afraid of them. Why afraid? Because it’s those very qualities that makes you a truth teller, the qualities that can zero in on what’s really going on behind all the smoke and mirrors and see the emptiness behind the mask. It’s the sensitive child in a family who is usually teh scapegoat. It’s incredibly unfair, but that’s because our high sensitivity is a strength that makes us able to see the truth when everyone else is blind to it. They try to stop us any way they can because we terrify them.
      It is scary stuff. All you can do is cut your losses and get as far away as you can. As horrible as it is to be living in poverty, it’s 100x better than living with an active abuser or in your case, several abusers. She may have also singled you out because you were the only female. Many narcissist women hate other women, and will take that out on a female child, especially as they approach adulthood. Keep your chin up. I truly believe in the end, justice will be done. Your story can help so many. Thanks for sharing, and big hugs!

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      • thank you so much for this site and your support:) I am now almost 42… I am shocked to recently find out that this all still dwells deep within me. (due to a recent attack, PTSD triggers.. dredged up all this as well) therapy didn’t help me, neither did Prozac or Zoloft. I take herbs.. vitamins.. for others I can say that Zoloft Prozac,low dose DID GET ME THROUGH a rough year…but now I feel on my own again…. just going it alone.. I feel.. like somehow to allow myself to feel it all.. is better than the numbness….
        thanks again!

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        • You’re welcome! It’s weird to start feeling emotions again after feeling like a zombie, isn’t it? It gets easier. It’s something I’m still working on too. I can’t access all my emotions yet.

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  10. also I was the truth teller who never did drugs even once. like you the “good kid” the goodie goodie even! I didn’t even have sex… until such a late age ok I can say it.. I was 28!! as I was very young like for my age.. and even that guy was the narc.. and I ONLY ended up with him as coming FROM that situation at my moms house with my brothers (abusive) I was lost! (I had tried to move out several times from age 19 , including a marriage, so i wasnt living at home all the way until 28, that was the last time i was there) they were CRUEL people.
    some people seem to think that just because you “judge them” (means you want better in life) that you think youre “better than them” when truth is I wanted us all to love each other and get along.. they saw it as arrogance and HATED me for it.. so just because our standards may seem higher as “truth tellers” they think well kick her out then she is strong enough to believe that let her live on her own then! VINDICTIVE!!! they KNEW I WASNT READY NOR CAPABLE but it was my PUNISHMENT for truth telling.
    I never got over males (my brothers)being allowed to stay at home while girls get kicked out when the world I got kicked out into was all MALE perpetrators.and I was in danger! .. I NEVER got over that to this day!

    oh I do have a mouth on me though, not foul.. just that truth teller thing.. so they all hated me..i felt it was my ONLY defense!!! not like I was lying!!
    I was complaining!! about my treatment but that WAS NOT ALLOWED.
    they hated also when other people loved me and even expressed jealousy over it
    unbelievable that..thats what some people call a family!!
    its embarrassing.. that I couldn’t have friends over much for fear of an incident…but that further isolated me…

    well I couldn’t “make them better” as they mocked and taunted me about
    turns out I never had to! :)!!
    not my job.
    I can say I failed the way they always wanted me to say but who is the loser then?

    they don’t understand the true heart
    only that theyre being “judged” and that as negative is all they see
    as if youre a stranger!!
    its almost like your the bar or gate blocking the way to heaven!!! and instead of inquiring how to get in they hate you for it..
    (I say this also because I had become very religious-Christian..and they used that against me too and taunted it.. at a time when I was doing WELL in it.. in Church and in life..morally..joyous etc..
    and shared it with them.. took the to my church..prayed over meals with them and their friends
    only to be abused so much I had to move out abruptly with a very bad person…..
    even now I struggle with “God asks you to forgive”
    and actually I cant
    some things are too insidious and must change first or be acknowledged before forgiveness takes place..even Bible says that… (make it right with your brother first before you come to me with an offering etc”)
    no one is going to “scapegoat” me with religion too!!!!!
    not people who don’t even practice one
    they enjoy tormenting mentally and emotionally child like minds? and even the religious soul too?
    no
    im wise to it
    and didn’t want to be
    id rather have passed on the knowledge and wisdom of them

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    • I am sure my mother thinks of me as very judgmental–even though all I am trying to do is be free of my abusive, gaslighting past with her and finally be happy! I do have higher standards than she does, it’s a fact. Maybe not higher standards about things like presenting a “proper” image or always looking great or being the “best”–but I have moral standards about the way people should treat each other. Yes, I do judge her I suppose–because I can see what she does to people, especially her own children, is wrong. But I’m not a judgmental person, in fact I go out of my way to try to act non-judgmental and some people have even told me I’m too tolerant of narcissists and give them the benefit of the doubt (only if they are self aware and show signs of wanting to change–there are a few low spectrum Ns who are like that). But for malignant narcissists, no. I believe in No Contact with them and don’t think they can change. I think some reach a point where it’s too late to ever reclaim the true self and at that point they have become evil.
      I think NPD, more so than any other personality disorder, is as much or more a spiritual disorder as a psychological one. I also don’t think we’re requried to “turn the other cheek” or “forgive them.” I try to understand them, that is, to know why they got that way (and mostly because doing that helps me to feel less afraid and angry and seems to give them less power over me), but that’s not the same as forgiving them or enabling them.

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  11. Lucky Otter, thanks for gettting to my comments. I’m pretty new here and I guess I should comment after the very last comment which is what I will do from this point on. Your responses were SO helpful. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m reaching the end of my rope but I keep going onward, forward, trying to build and re-build my life. It’s odd that my next logical step, is always being interfered with. To other people, it can sound like I’m not taking responsibility for my choices in life or that I’ve lived irresponsibly but I can tell you, I haven’t. The only way I can make sense of all that’s happened is to make the blanket statement that this is about good vs evil and that I’m probably, like they say, fighting the good fight.

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