Writer’s block.

writers-block

I feel like there’s a traffic jam in my brain. Or perhaps, no traffic at all. For some reason I can’t fathom, I can’t work up the motivation to write anything. I feel like my creativity has gone AWOL. I wake up feeling depressed. I go to sleep feeling depressed. It’s a numb, zombie-like depression but underneath that…there’s something coming to the surface. There’s an underlying anxiety and a feeling of impending insanity. I don’t know why. I pray for an answer, some clarity, some ability to process the stuff going on in my head right now, but there don’t seem to be any answers.

I can’t think straight. I had a bad panic attack at work yesterday; it came out of nowhere. I was out of control. I embarrassed myself and was shaken the rest of the day.

I’m using various techniques (prayer, meditation, long hot baths) to calm myself down, but it’s only a temporary fix and I still have no creative ideas for new posts. I forced myself to write this one. I’ve said many times before that writing is at least in part a discipline. You have to make yourself write, even when you don’t want to. Then it gets easier. But I’m ignoring my own advice.

I feel like my small life is growing smaller. I’m isolating myself more. I think about death a lot (not suicide, just the idea of death and it scares me). I keep asking God to intervene and lift my mood but this time he’s sleeping on the job.

writers_block2

I know I have to take responsibility and make myself get out of the house sometimes and make myself write. But when the time comes, I just find it so hard to get motivated. I have problems with the seasons and always get depressed this time of year. But this didn’t happen last year. I wrote like a maniac a year ago and worked through a lot of emotional stuff. I was full of ideas and writing allayed any depression I would have experienced.

I have faith though. I know this is temporary. I know God is there and is sitting back for a reason. He wants me to work through this on my own. I feel like I’m on the edge of an epiphany, something new I need to discover about myself.

I know this post won’t win any Pulitzer prizes and isn’t at all inspiring but at least it’s something. I know I need to just sit down and make myself write SOMETHING every day, even if it sounds uninspired or even stupid. I need to tell my inner critic to STFU. I’m not trying to impress anyone, just get my thoughts on “paper” so I can process them and learn from them. This is only meant to be a journal, after all. Maybe this will even open a discussion about writer’s block and I won’t feel so alone. I’m also going to look into therapy.

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21 thoughts on “Writer’s block.

  1. Wow. You are such a genuine open person. It is so refreshing to see this in ANYONE today but especially online and blogging. Your words are so comforting as it hits me deeply because I am feeling the very same things. I can’t write. Not able to express myself as well this way and it seems because, like you say, creativity is just not there. I desire to write as well, but nothing. Just sleeping a lot. I have been also battling depression. Actually take the first sentence back. One person I know, another woman is also going through this. Oddly, we both believe in God also.

    I believe the world is under attack by darkness. Demons are raging war against us all who have souls. I have called out to God and am receiving little moments like minutes of peace within, but then more attacks of this depression and funk. Not suicidal like you said also, just deeply thinking about a lot.

    I am an end time truth seeker so been involved in the process of dying to flesh for nearly 3 years. It’s not been an easy road dying to the world in the way of being a part of it, but I must say, the past couple of weeks seem to be fille with a continuation to a functioning the way of the world, if this makes sense. Just not interested in anything but being alone, and sleeping.

    I am restless. Seeking what I can to fill me up. It’s been very bizarre. Just holding on to my faith, as it seems that is all that’s left to sustain my hope and moments of joy and peace within.

    Thanks for sharing your journey as of recent. I’m sure more of us are experiencing these systems than just us so your blog will bring comfort to a lot of people.

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    • Thank you for this. I hate to think in terms of Biblical end times, but it may be true for all I know. It certainly feels like it could be. Some weird sh*t is going on. Everyone seems to be depressed or scared these days, and can’t explain why. There isn’t much kindness in the world. Also, the other day I realized how many people (including myself) think time is speeding up at a scary rate. I know that sounds kind of weird but maybe it has something to do with it.
      As for my faith, I have to admit I’ve been questioning it. But I don’t question my faith in God, just the details.

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  2. That’s the most creative, expressive post about writers block I’ve ever read. People who can be open about the shadowy, dusty days we usually leave out are brave. Therapy never hurts either. Election year coming up..everyone’s being marketed with ” doom manipulation ” . I used to be a news junkie, now I’d rather read comics, at least till the storm passes.

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    • Thanks so much πŸ™‚ I’m surprised, because I thought it was a terrible post, tbh. But it is honest and that’s what counts. I’m not really worried about the election although I will vote. I think my guy has a good chance and I could live with one of the others. I’ll laugh if Donald Trump, Narcissist, is our next POTUS. πŸ™„

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    • I agree with Alex, this is the most creative, expressive post about writer’s block that I have ever read, also.

      Your first two sentences really grabbed me, Lucky: “I feel like there’s a traffic jam in my brain. Or perhaps, no traffic at all.”

      Simply brilliant.

      I’ve been struggling with darkness, too. Sleeping too much, thinking scary thoughts, feeling lost and adrift. With my hereditary hemochromatosis, I thought probably my iron levels had gotten too high. Now after reading this, I’m wondering if it is something else? But I’m still going to have my iron tests done next week, to be on the safe side.

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        • Thank you. I just said a prayer for you, too.

          I agree, emailing is a good idea. Sorry to say, I haven’t even been keeping up with my email, but I am trying to do better.

          Whatever my problem is, I’m getting really sick of it. I was doing fine until the days started getting shorter. And when we had that tornado last week, yikes! That did a huge number on my anxiety.

          Yesterday I climbed up on the roof and discovered that it’s steeper than it looks! I was hoping to patch the leaks but the entire roof is now pockmarked with quarter to half dollar sized holes in the shingles from last week’s hail. Unfortunately we don’t have the money for a new roof and our insurance won’t pay for it because they paid money for a new roof in 2012 when it was damaged by hail, and what we did was just patch the roof and then we bought a car for my daughter who needed that worse than we needed a roof. Or so we thought. Now I think we were really stupid.

          Now my whining is getting on my nerves. Sorry! Going to shut up and go to bed. πŸ™‚

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          • I’m really sorry about your house being damaged by hail again and the insurance not covering it. That really sucks. The tornado must have been very traumatic. I think it would have traumatized me too. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
            Emailing is hard for me too. I’m just terrible about checking it/replying.
            I hope you feel better soon.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I’m terrible about checking and replying to email, too. There’s so much of it, and even though I try to block the spam, I still get overwhelmed.

              I finally finished my tornado story on my blog, almost a week later! Basically what happened was: when the tornado warning siren went off, the sky was a solid wall of almost-black in every direction, with no sign of any twister, no lightning far off in the distance, nothing but a midnight sky at 10 something in the morning. When the 3 minute warning siren stopped, there was an eerie dead silence. No wind, not even a hint of a breeze.

              Then I actually felt a sudden extreme drop in the barometric pressure! It felt like all of the oxygen in the air around me was being sucked up away from me! But still there was no sound.

              Then the storm hit. It sounded like the bottom had fallen out of a big lake that was suspended in the air right over our house! A deluge of rain cascaded down, hail hammered everything, lightning flashed, thunder rolled, and the wind roared, while I huddled on the floor in the kitchen with the dogs in my lap. The raging storm only lasted a few minutes, but it took me at least 3 days to stop shaking.

              The fiberglass top of my husband’s golf cart was shattered. The Geico insurance guy determined that there was over $5,000 in hail damage on to our car. (We owe on it, so the money has to be used to repair the car. I wish we could put it on the roof instead.)

              But… our house is still standing, all of the other buildings in town are still standing, and no one was hurt. For this, I am grateful.

              I wish we lived near each other so we could go out for lunch. Sending you a big virtual ((((HUG)))).

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  3. Why must you always be writing something? I wait until I have something to say. Then it practically writes itself. That said, I think this blog is important and eerily parallel to my latest. The depression you describe makes me think of a state I was trying to describe but my emphasis was on the up side and how to stay there. But still realizing the necessity of the down side. It’s part of our mortality. It’s not our nature to always be in one state. That low-level anxiety seems to be fear of putting myself out in the world. Lots of people fantasize about being vampires. Anne Rice’s vampires are the most classic vampires. Their blessing is having an unchanging power. They are immortal. And their curse is being unchanging. They can’t grow. Their power is a death. They are undead but not alive. We are alive and it’s both a blessing and a curse. Part of me would make the exchange. This is kind of what I struggled to articulate in my recent blog. This comment is revealing more of what I was struggling to say

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    • I’m very hard on myself. I set my standards high. That probably isn’t always healthy and leads to a lot of unecessary anxiety and guilt. I feel guilty when I’m being unproductive. It’s a problem that originated from my parents obviously.

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