Forever alone, revisited.

keep_calm_forever_alone

This is going to be another “running naked” post.

I have mixed feelings about being in a relationship. On the one hand, I long for it because I can’t deny that my inability to connect with anyone on a deep emotional level has caused me a lot of sadness and pain.

At the same time I need my solitude, and it’s almost always my preferred state, due to my avoidant personality. I’d much rather do things alone than do them with others. I’m simply too selfish and don’t want to give of myself to anyone else. I think the selfishness stems from fear though. I’m too afraid: I struggle with fears of rejection, abandonment, judgement, engulfment, being hurt, being used, being abused, etc. I have little to no interest in sex, although I can be sexually attracted. (maybe this is TMI, but I prefer my fantasies to the real thing).

So I have a sort of conundrum. I don’t want to grow old and die alone, but at the same time I don’t want to and am afraid to do what it takes to avoid being alone forever. I was married to my malignant narcissist ex for many years, but the marriage was extremely dysfunctional and I was always in the codependent role. Thinking about the marriage’s failure (which was inevitable from Day One) now makes me feel sad, although for a long time I just felt rage (which is why I started my first blog).

I would only consider a relationship with a non-narcissist now (and really, not with any Cluster B), but that’s a problem because I’m simply not attracted to non-disordered people. I never have been.

The other problem is I’m “in love with the idea of being in love.” Like most Cluster B’s, I become limerent easily (though less so than I used to) and get addicted to the whole “high” that infatuated feeling brings. But it never lasts and I know intellectually it’s not real love. It’s a type of addiction that feels as good as a drug, but the crash (and there always is one) is just as bad as coming down from a powerful drug too. I miss that drug-like high of falling in love though.

To rectify this longing, I live the limerent experience out in my mind by developing powerful crushes on people who cannot give me anything in return for a variety of reasons. Oddly enough, this lack of reciprocation is okay with me. I don’t feel like anything is “unrequited” because I deliberately and consciously get attached to a person only in my own mind and prefer not to share my feelings with the person in question. I have an active enough imagination that there is no need to play it out in reality. In fact, I’d probably run away in terror if it became obvious my feelings were returned. I’d get off on the supply that comes with that, of course–but it would send me into panic mode too. It’s very weird. I don’t know if this is just an eccentricity of mine, or if this sort of thing is experienced by others. Having an active imagination does have its benefits. It’s very narcissistic though.

I think unless I can become non-disordered (which is unlikely), that I need to accept the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. On a day to day basis, I’m okay with that, but it’s sometimes so hard when you look around and everyone else in my age group is married or in a relationship, and I have to do everything on my own. You’re treated by society as defective and if you don’t make a good living, it’s hard to even survive. I feel like a freak sometimes. I can’t look at singleness as a permanent lifestyle or I get very sad and afraid. I have to do what they do in AA, and take things one day at a time.

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12 thoughts on “Forever alone, revisited.

  1. one day @ a time is all we can do. so inJoy each day GOD gives you & look to the Light , Good things in life , not the bad or hafe empty cups but the hafe full cups the flowers & the trees . how lovely thay are. run naked throw the woods & feel the sun & win in you hair& on your Body. & thin you may feel the peace & love with in you.
    just running my mouth :]
    but think I rather be running naked some were ! :] LoL

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  2. Laurel, I totally understand! I was comfortable in my relationship with Jack who was married and living with his wife. I liked having my space. And I was deeply in love with him. I could be kin a relationship with Vicki because I dominated her. Even when I played the submissive role sexually, I was the Alpha Chick. And I totally get your attraction to Cluster Bs. 🙂 I also understand why after that Hell you were in with your husband, you would be twice shy. I guess the answer is not to look at this as the whole rest of your life. Surprise is around every corner. Before I met Jack, I didn’t have any lasting relationships.

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  3. You don’t have to be in a relationship to not be alone. It’s something to have friends, and grow from there. I thought I was alone forever; that is, until I voiced my desperation to a relative, and the doors of communication opened. Things still aren’t great, but… speaking up eliminates suffering in silence.

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  4. Friends will be friends as it says in the song. I feel your pain, but we have to go through life one day at a time and live in the moment, love to you and you will work things out. Don’t worry about being alone just enjoy it, one day you will find someone who’s your perfect match x

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  5. Thank you for introducing me to the concept of limerance.

    In return I offer you this:

    “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ― Bob Marley

    I don’t want to one day wonder “what if I didn’t stop searching for Her?”

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    • Then she would have found you!
      Limerence is a great word, coined by Dorothy Tennov in her book “Love and Limerence” in 1979. (Great book too). I never read anything that described the experience as well and as thoroughly as she did. I’m not sure why the word hasn’t caught on more than it has, though I do see it occasionally. I’m not sure if it’s in the dictionary or not, I think it is. Infatuation is the same thing, but limerence is a prettier word that captures the feeling better than infatuation.

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  6. I’ve been alone for a few years now – and can empathize with the “to love or not to love” conundrum. How many times can you be burned before the asbestos gear comes out?

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