Raw nerve.

everything_is_fine

Over the past few days I have been extremely anxious, even panicky. I can’t focus enough to write anything or do much of anything else either. I really have no idea why or what might have triggered it.

Last night instead of writing anything, I poked around on nostalgia sites, reminiscing about the things of my childhood, particularly the snack food. My childhood was terrible, but I have fond memories of the various sugary and salty foods I ate (why in %$#& did Buitoni ever stop making those awful but delicious toaster pizzas? Where’s a chalky, non-chewy Giant Sweet-Tart when you need one?) and the toys I played with (those over 45 or 50 or so will remember that Fuzzy Wuzzy soap that grew “hair” just like a Chia pet and had a small but high quality prize inside). These memories bring me a measure of comfort. Things seemed so much simpler before everything started going to hell about 30 years ago and hearts began to harden and greed became good because a movie character named Gordon Gecko said so. Life has just become way too complicated and stressful for someone like me (although I couldn’t live without the Internet, which for someone like me is the best thing that could ever have happened).

Sometimes I feel like I just can’t cope anymore. I’m so tired. I’m getting old. I have too many unresolved psychological issues. I worry about the future constantly. I have a pervasive feeling of nameless dread, as if something terrible is about to happen.

I don’t know where these feelings come from or what might have triggered them, but I feel like a raw nerve and even at work have been jumpy, quick to take offense to everything, and paranoid. I have too many disorders to function well at a job for any length of time, especially when it comes to dealing with others. Sometimes I just wish I could go off by myself and live as a hermit, never having to deal with anyone, but for that you need money and I have no money. I’m caught in a no-win situation.

The job might be part of the problem. I’m burned out; I hate my job. There. I said it. I hate the politics at work, and the favoritism. I’m not a favorite. I have never been a favorite at any job. I can’t play the game; I have never been able to play the game. I wish I didn’t have to work, or could just write and make a living that way. But I can’t, not yet anyway. I don’t want to look for a new job because I know it will be as crappy as the one I have, that I’ll still be forced to deal with people I dislike and who dislike me just as much. I’ll still feel like the odd one out, the employee who is most expendable and always overlooked. I’m so ill suited for the service industry but I can’t get my foot in the door for anything else. I burned all my bridges a long time ago, and now I’m well past 50 and it’s too late to start over in an employment situation or going back to school. My only hope left is to become a professional writer.

The DBT and self-soothing tools I normally use to focus and center are not working. My thoughts are racing and my hands are shaking. My sleep has been fitful. Maybe it’s the heat but I think it’s more than that. I feel like my head will explode. I don’t know what’s really going on with me right now. I need to find a good therapist. I need to be in a relationship but am too scared. I need to write more.

One thing that might be contributing to my high anxiety is caffeine. I’m addicted to coffee. I’m craving some right now, but I don’t think I should make any. I might have to cut down on my favorite beverage–a prospect which itself causes me anxiety.

I spend most of my free time holed up inside the house on this laptop, which is fine when I’m actually being productive, but last night all I did was poke around on random nostalgia sites and Facebook and wrote absolutely nothing. And then felt guilty about it.

I know what I need to do is go out, do something outside the house, get off the computer, but I don’t have the motivation.

Finally I got the idea to just write about my panic-stricken state. After all, this blog was intended to be my therapy, so what have I got to lose?

24 thoughts on “Raw nerve.

  1. Go for walks at dusk. Get a little sunlight in there. Pop popcorn..watch movies… And try to relax. You need to focus on nurturing yourself. Nuture means…do what you feel like doing and not what you think you should do.

    I only suggest to push in the power walk because you need some sunlight… And the endorphins released from the walk will calm you, and they also fight depression.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Dark walks are the best. I use to like walking with my cousins at night when we were at grandma’s. The noise at grandma’s gave me tummy aches… So we’d go walking in the night and telling each other scary ghost stories.

        Someone always yelled booooo

        And then we all screamed. Lol

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Healing From Crazy and commented:
    I have been hooked on caffeine for most of my 62 years. I like my coffee strong and black, love dark rich chocolate, green tea, and cola drinks from Mexico made with real sugar, not corn syrup.

    For some reason that I was sure had nothing to do with caffeine, as I have gotten older, my anxiety has grown worse. I got to where I literally could not function a few years ago. Couldn’t work anymore, even though I enjoyed my job. I finally had to go on disability for my extreme anxiety, which made me feel like such a loser.

    Nothing I tried helped to alleviate my anxiety. Not therapy, not psychotropic medications, not mindfulness or cognitive behavioral therapy, not self-help books, not deep breathing or going to my happy place — nothing. My anxiety grew until it ruled my life. Anxiety kept me from going where I wanted to go and doing what I wanted to do. Trying to control my anxiety took all of my energy, so that most days I had no energy left for anything else. I sometimes felt like I was in hell.

    If anyone would have suggested that caffeine was the cause, I would have laughed. I had been consuming caffeine all my life and it never bothered me before!

    But maybe, as we age, some of us change so that we can’t handle it anymore?

    A couple of months ago, after praying that God’s will would be done in my life, no matter what His will was, I got sick and could not eat or drink. With the exception of cold filtered water, I felt like I was going to throw up any food or drink that went into my mouth. I was sick like that for about a week, which forced me into a massive caffeine withdrawal. I had pounding migraine headaches and I felt like I was coming apart, both physically and mentally.

    And then….. it was like someone opened up a window in my brain and let sunshine and fresh air into my soul for the first time in too many years to remember. I have been completely off all caffeine now for at least a month, and I feel like a brand new person. Calm. Peaceful. Content. Happy. Accepting of reality as it is, even the parts of reality that I don’t like.

    Sure, I sometimes miss coffee, chocolate, colas, and tea that isn’t herbal mint. But no delicious taste or “jolt” is worth the horrific anxiety hell I was in, a hell that was as bad as Lucky Otter describes in her post, Raw Nerve. Caffeine just isn’t worth it. Not for me.

    Please click the link below and read Lucky Otter’s blog post about her worsening anxiety:

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I have to agree with the walking/light exercising suggestion. Exercise will release natural endorphins which will help adjust your mood.

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  4. Something has shifted in the atmosphere giving many unexplained anxiety. I’ve been struggling a bit myself in recent days. Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You may already know this, but some of your symptoms may be from writing about narcissism on a regular basis. I used to have the same symptoms before I started taking better care of myself. I love what I do, but I am an Empath and so I often absorb the painful energies of people I work with and respond to. Plus, the subject matter is a consistent source of subconscious triggers.

    There is a new focus on healing for healers. I began feeling the way you described yesterday. I forced myself out of my apartment, headed over to Barnes & Noble, and ordered my fave coffee drink and did some research on self-esteem recovery and checked out Melody Beattie’s book, “The Language of Letting Go Journal”, which I then purchased. Worked like a charm. Also, here is a guided meditation that almost always helps me feel better: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1u4HfsfGzdg

    Maybe those things might help you, too πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was thinking that too–and maybe my lack of motivattion to write last night is my mind’s (or God’s) way to protect me from the worse effects of immersing myself in such a dark subject as narcissistic personality disorder.

      Thank you for your suggestions; the walk thing I will definitely do, and I think maybe a long bubble bath is in order too. Maybe reading or watching something funny. Relaxing music. And no coffee!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. There’s so much happening in the world, in society right now. One shooting after another, police brutality/abuse being highlighted, an election coming up. I sense an ominous sense of dread in the air that’s best left alone. Internalizing it can lead to serious depression. Like chemical illness depression, so I try not to follow to many news pieces or current events when I get overwhelmed.

    The sense of powerlessness over huge changes in human interactions and lifestyles is upon us I believe. In the world run by sociopathic and narc forces, everything can seem hopeless. Then I remeber how God put a hook in the nose of those all powerful Assyrians back in the day and even used a violent and hatefilled people to fulfill prophecy. Like it’s all above our pay grade, and it takes so much to keep faith, hope, love, mildness, meekness, patience, long suffering,,ect ect.

    On the work thing, a change of scenery can do a lot of good. Even if you just change companies . Wouldn’t you make more profit if you cut the company loose and developed your own Clients?

    Private employment makes it all worthwhile in the money department . Just free floating ideas.

    Hope you feel better Otter! Hugsssss!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I definitely agree with you that in the world we live in right now, most people are having trouble coping, even if on the surface they seem like they’re doing fine. There’s a lot of tension in the air, I have no idea what will happen or if it will ever go away or lessen.

      I feel all the tension keenly due to my high sensitivity and my avoidant PD/Aspergers make it harder to want to face the real world or people in general.

      Thanks for the advice. Hugs back!

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