It’s time for a little shameless self pity.
I’m actually not in a negative mood right now, but I was yesterday for awhile and I desperately wanted to vent. It’s great to try to be positive and look at the bright side of things, but to deny the shit in our lives is like denying that sometimes you just have to get it out, whether it’s emotional shit or the other kind. Holding it in is bad for you.
So I’m getting it all out here right now and then moving on.
1. I hate the fact I’m over 50 and make poverty level wages. Being poor does seem to be a common complaint among those of us who were trained to be victims by narcissistic families. We just never learned how to navigate the world and lack the confidence to do it very well.
2. I hate the fact I have a job that has nothing to do with what I really love and don’t really know how I can parlay writing into a career.
3. I hate that I love the beach, live so far away from it, and can’t afford to go. I haven’t been to the beach in six years.
4. I hate the fact I want to date again but am terrified of that prospect too. I don’t want to die alone but worry no one would want to stay with me.
5. I hate the fact I have no health insurance and can’t afford to buy any. I don’t qualify for Obamacare because my income is too low and this state won’t allow me to get Medicaid. We do have a free medical clinic in town but I hate the condescending way they treat you there.
6. I sometimes wonder why the hell I ever moved to this state, although it’s really not so bad.
7. I hate the way I acted when I was younger and cringe in embarrassment and shame thinking about it sometimes. I want to divorce my younger self sometimes and pretend she never existed, even though I know that to heal, I need to make peace with her and learn to love her.
8. Sometimes I feel like a huge loser in life. Of course this idea has been drummed into me by my narcs and I’ve internalized it. It’s not an easy belief to let go of.
9. I hate the fact I sometimes doubt my faith.
10. I hate the way I sometimes still hurt people without meaning to.
11. I hate feeling like I’m always guilty of something and always have to apologize.
12. I hate that I’m so socially awkward that people sometimes think I’m daft. Having hearing issues on top of Aspergers and Avoidant PD sure doesn’t help with this.
13. I hate how fair I am. I can’t tan anymore (I could as a child and teenager) but at least I don’t have wrinkles.
14. I hate that I had an abortion and never got to meet the son I would have had (it was male and would have been born in March or April of 1999 so he’d be 16 now). At the time I didn’t feel like I had a choice.
15. I hate the fact I spent three months in a mental hospital in 1996 and at the time didn’t take the DBT training very seriously. I kept the books and do now though.
16. I hate the fact I wasted my young adult years chasing men and obsessing over finding the perfect man instead of focusing on my education and training for a real career in journalism.
17. I hate the fact I don’t have any close friends IRL. I won’t let anyone get close to me because I’m afraid if they found out too much about me they would hate me.
18. I hate the fact my family of origin sucked and have never been supportive of me or loved me unconditionally and judge me so harshly.
19. I hate the fact my family thinks my mental disorders are just an excuse and take no interest in them or why I have them.
20. When push comes to shove, I still can’t say I’m really a very happy person. I’ve gotten better but I wonder if I’ll ever really be happy. I’m looking into getting a therapist.
21. I wish I had been a better mom when my kids were young. I still beat myself up over not having been there for them when they needed me most.
22. I hate that I haven’t seen my son in two years because he lives 700 miles away and I can’t afford to travel to see him.
23. I hate it that I still have so much trouble speaking up when I’ve been hurt or standing up for myself when my rights have been violated.
That felt kind of good.