I don’t need your damn fake apologies.

Posted on by

narc_apologies

My sociopathic ex was never sorry for anything. Oh, yes, he “apologized” sometimes, but it was only to get me to shut up or because he knew he’d already lost the argument or knew I was right (but he wasn’t really sorry.) It was insulting how stupid he must have thought I was to believe these “apologies” were sincere.

Unless they are incredibly good actors and are hoovering you (trying to reel you back in, like a Hoover vacuum sucks up dirt) or love-bombing you (stalking you as prey), no apology coming out of a narc’s mouth is going to sound sincere. Of course, it’s easy to fall for those “sincere” apologies when they’re feeling needy, but there are always other red flags you can look for, such as crowding you, moving too fast, or trash-talking all their exes (make no mistake, he or she will eventually trash-talk you too).

Once they have you trapped in their web of deception, a narcissist’s “apologies” are going to sound more like the following (if they even bother to apologize for anything at all). Some of them are actual “apologies” I got from my MN ex.

Gaslighting, projection and devaluation/invalidation are embedded in almost every narcissistic “apology,” as is lack of empathy. The “shut up” apology or the “I will not take responsibility for my actions” apologies are common too. All of them are represented here. So, without further ado, here’s a list of what you might hear.

Narcissist “Apologies”

bullshit

1. “I’m sorry, but you always get so hormonal and overreact to everything when you’re on the rag.” (invalidation; devaluation)

2. “I’m sorry you have no sense of humor.” (projection and gaslighting)

3. ” I’m sorry you overreact to everything I say.” (projection and gaslighting; devaluation)

4. “I’m sorry your family gave you such horrible examples of how to be a compassionate person and made you so self-centered and narcissistic.” (it’s true about my FOO but this is blatant projection!)

5. “I’m sorry, but I always talk loudly and you just take it the wrong way.” (denial of truth–it wasn’t that he was “too loud,” but that he was saying hateful things in an angry tone of voice).

6. “It’s your responsibility you feel hurt by that.” (a favorite of my mother’s)

7. “Your feelings are not my responsibility.” (this gives them carte blanche to say whatever they want)

8. “I’m sorry, but you are driving everyone here crazy with your constant whining.” (projection, gaslighting, possible triangulation)

9. “I’m sorry you are mentally unstable and can’t understand what I said.” (projection and gaslighting; there may be veiled sarcasm there too.)

10. “Alright, fine. I’m SORRY!!!!!!” (said sarcastically or in an angry tone of voice–this is the classic “shut up” apology)

11. “(HUGE sigh) I’m sorry. Are you happy now?” (another version of the “shut up” apology)

12. “I’m sorry but it’s not my problem.” (lack of empathy; taking no responsibility)

13. “I already apologized.” (said when they didn’t). Gaslighting and denying the truth.

14. “I’m sorry about arguing with you, BUT you started it.” (this may or may not be true, but they always have to take a jab at you anyway. Their apology feels hollow.)

15. “I’m sorry I forgot your birthday, BUT I had to be at that meeting. You know how important my job is.” (that job is more important than you, and he or she wants you to be aware of that).

16. “I’m sorry I hit you, BUT you deserved it.” (why even bother saying you’re sorry, asshat?)

17. “I’m sorry I got drunk and threw up all over you, BUT I told you to not let me have any more drinks.” (dead if you do, dead if you don’t–he would have handed you your head if you had actually told him not to have another drink).

18. “Apologies are for wusses, but whatever, fine, I’m sorry if that makes you happy.” (another “shut up” apology)

19. “I’m sorry you think I’m such a horrible person.” (guilt-tripping, possible projection)

20. “I’m sorry you hate everything I ever do for you.” (see #19)

21. I have no idea what I did to upset you, but whatever it was, I’m sorry. (They know damn well what they did and are trying to play “innocent” or “dumb.”)

22. “I’m sorry. Now get over it.” (a shut up apology)

23. “I’m sorry, but nobody’s perfect.” (this is just a cop-out apology; they are not taking responsbility)

I think we’ve heard enough of these. I feel kind of sick now. Their fake apologies are just another weapon narcissists can use to hurt you.

sincere_apologies
See the difference?

40 thoughts on “I don’t need your damn fake apologies.”

  2. My ex rarely apologized but I guess that was a good thing because it meant he didn’t give out fake apologies. It just shows what an insensitive ass he is.

    About this part:
    7. “Your feelings are not my responsibility.”

    That reminds me of someone I knew in real life and online who wrote in their blog “Your feelings are not my concern” because she doesn’t care if she hurts your feelings. I also think she has some narc in her and I don’t think she is a nice person either.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s become trendy to say that. Because of the whole codependency trend, people think showing any compassion, empathy or generosity is being codependent. Narcs use that trend as an excuse to abuse the ones who love them.

      Liked by 3 people

  5. I get it, I used to apologise the way you describe (maybe I was narcissistic). I now know that in order to feel apologetic I have to admit to being in the wrong. Yes, it always was my fault, I just couldn’t accept that. Am I becoming more empathetic? I would certainly hope so.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I doubt you were a narcissist, because narcissists don’t just spontaneously get better or start becoming empathetic. You might be borderline, or have some narcissistic traits, but if you had NPD it’s highly unlikely you would just suddenly become a non-narcissist. I think we all are guilty of using some of these apologies sometimes, I know I have at times too. A narc would use them ALL the time.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Cousin beat me up after I caught him in a lie. He vilified me and victimized himself afterwards while minimizing what he did.
    “I’m sorry I HIT you…but it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t called me a liar…I hate being called called a liar.”

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Yes Yes Yes — I have heard every one of these smarmy fake apologies, in one form or another, numerous times.

    My meanest ex usually did the “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive/crazy/hormonal” apology. Another favorite of his was “I’m sorry if I hurt you,” said when I was in so much pain I could barely breathe.

    He also liked the “I’m sorry!” said with a martyred sigh, while doing a simultaneous eye roll.

    Then there was the friend who made an unbelievably cutting remark to me in passing as we were leaving a 12-Step meeting one night. His words were so unexpected and harsh that I just stood there, rooted to the spot, dumbfounded… while he nonchalantly went on his merry way. I mulled his mean words over in my mind as I drove home, wondering why in the heck my friend would say such a hateful thing to me.

    As soon as I got to my apartment, I called this guy and told him that his harsh remark had really hurt me. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Now get over it.”

    !!!!!

    I got over it, all right. I got over thinking of that JERK as my friend!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Here’s another one I just thought of: “I’m sorry it happened.” When the thing that happened was he (or she) was being a hateful abusive A–hole.

    “I’m sorry! What else do you want me to say?!!” Said while shrugging the shoulders and with both palms held up toward the ceiling.

    “Nobody’s perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. You did things wrong, too. There’s right and wrong on both sides. I was having a bad day. Sh!!t happens….”

    Funny how there are countless ways to insincerely apologize — but like the graphic says, there is really only one way to SINCERELY apologize: “I am sorry. It was my fault. What can I do to make it right?”

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Wrapped within these non-apologies is stark raving slander. These creeps know no bounds. But no “earthly” judge is able to convict – narcs are too slick. Ya’d think narcs would come to grips with the fact that the real court Day is coming – that Day which has many a redeemed non-narc in fear and trembling.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Well as I was telling Lucky, 2 of my past narcs returned to me in the last few weeks.

        Both did the exact same thing. They contacted me. One of them contacted me through his Lindekin page by requesting me as a friend. The other friend requested me on Facebook. When they learned I had a new boyfriend, they deleted their entire profiles.

        Its crazy. Both of them had the exact same reaction. Is this a normal reaction? I don’t think so. I would think you’d understand that smart women don’t sit on some shelf and wait around so that a man can dish out another cycle of abuse. We all have better things to do, and the world has lots of good men that appreciate good women.

        Liked by 2 people

  11. Oh my. Thank you for your post. (I have listened to the exact same wording apologies for 3 and half years. I have lost my judgement.)

    From “I am a honest and loyal person. You made me cheat on you (for multiple times),” to “I am sorry I hurt you. I have tried to move on and do better (by forbidding infidelity conversation and locking my every techno device over night).” To a breakup, “I don’t think I can continue since I am still hurt by you. You don’t need to be back. I will mail you your stuff (since you left for a out-of-town project)” and “yes, I may be interested in someone.”

    After a few contacts for 3 months (some texts every 10 days), I asked for the money he owed and my belongings which he suggested to mail. He got upset, and blamed me “the bank account you gave me doesn’t work,” and “you don’t even know where you will live after the project” (I gave him my parents’ address for the 3 boxed of belongings. We’d lived together for 3 years).

    He finally got irritated and came up: “I was in an abusive relation.” I repeated and asked him if he wholeheartedly believes that. Without any hesitation, “YES.” I therefore came up, “Ok. Then as your abuser, I will promise to stay away from you. Please send my stuff, and stay away from me, for your mental health.” He agreed. I apologized, “sorry it didn’t work out.” He repeated the sentence. We hung up.

    I then got another text the next day. “Hello, are you okay today?”

    How do I move on?

    Like

    • Welcome! Those “apologies” are nothing more than lame excuses for continuing bad behavior toward you. I like the way you handled him about returning you your stuff–when you said to him,”…as your abuser…” LOL! I like that.
      I think you handled him well, from what you said.

      I have no idea why your comment was sent to my “spam” folder. Good thing I skimmed through my spam before deleting it.
      Anyway, narcs make it hard to move on, because sometimes they won’t let you go completely. He sounds like he’s trying to keep you on the back burner “just in case” and is doing that by texting you the next day asking you how you are. I suppose the best way to move on would be to cut off all contact with him and refuse his “friendly” calls, which are just meant to keep you guessing and keep him in control. He may rage if YOU turn around and reject him, but you will have freed yourself of his control over you. The emotional attachment may take longer however, but trust me, it will pass.
      Good luck.

      Like

Comments are closed.