I have issues.

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raking_cash

This post is going to suck.

Today I’ve been obsessing about the hefty lump sum payment my sperm donor is getting in SSI back pay for the seven years I supported him. I have never heard of anyone getting such a large lump sum from the government nor do I know of anyone who will be getting the amount every month he will be raking in.

So now I’m having to cope with the nearly unbearable sting of envy AND righteous anger (because if I hadn’t supported him all those years he would not have been able to sit at home and go through the whole disability application process, which took almost that long; and also because his payments were increased because he’s “homicidal”).

I’m beyond enraged that I have to continue to toil away at a job I dislike, that really doesn’t suit my personality or interests and I have no health insurance, while he will be living quite well off the benefits my goodwill made possible for him without having to work. All because he’s “homicidal.” (I do not know what his diagnosis was. I’m surprised there would be compensation for something like ASPD; maybe it’s his fake “schizophrenia.”). I think he’s gaming the system.

When he was over here on Sunday collecting his belongings (and trying to take some of mine), he started talking about the pottery classes he’s going to take with some of the money and the new car he’s going to buy (I have to drive a 14 year old clunker that’s got an expired registration because I can’t afford to get the tuneup it desperately needs). I finally told him I did not want to discuss money. I didn’t want to think about it, and I’m sure he was rubbing it in on purpose.

rich_and_poor

Must be nice. Yes, I’m bitter. I hate feeling this envious. It’s bad enough on its own, but add to that the GUILT I feel over being consumed by this…narcissistic emotion. I don’t think there’s any uglier or more painful emotion than envy, in this case envy mixed with righteous anger. I’m praying for God to remove this horrible character defect before he actually gets his lump sum payment, because I have no idea what I will do when that happens.

Maybe he sold his soul to the devil or something, because no matter what, he always seems to come out on top in the end.

Where’s Karma when you need her?

Who will take care of me if I become disabled so I could apply for benefits?

I wish I could just stop feeling like this. I sound like a damned baby.

GOD, I hate this.

54 thoughts on “I have issues.”

      • Maybe you need to come here to eastern New Mexico and live through tornado season with us, that will give you a new outlook! LOL

        Liked by 2 people

        • At least it will give me something else to obsess about right? LOL!
          New Mexico is beautiful. My grandparents (paternal) lived there when they were alive, in Santa Fe. I have been there several times and it really is a gorgeous state.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I love it here. I came here in 2003 as I was driving cross-country after my divorce was final. I was about to turn 50 and my intention was to drive to Northern California to the town where I was born and celebrate my big 5-0 all by myself, there. But when I got to New Mexico I loved it so much, I decided to celebrate my day with a hot air balloon ride over the Rio Grande. Then I decided to move here. Then I met my best-friend-husband. BUT I like North Carolina, too, especially the outer banks. And the wonderful mountains. Spent a lot of time there in the 1980s.

            Liked by 1 person

            • It’s beautiful here too, but New Mexico has those HUGE skies I remember as a child visiting there. So amazing. You are very lucky!
              If I could choose where to live, I would live near the beach. I miss living near the ocean. When I lived in NJ and NY, it was a half hour drive away. I spent every weekend in the summer on the Jersey Shore or on Long Island. LOVED it!

              Liked by 1 person

    • The siren stopped. Sorry about that I freaked because it did not even sound like a police or fire truck or ambulance, it sounded like a tornado warning siren and yikes… 3 years ago we had a super cell storm hit our town that destroyed the roofs on all the buildings in town, including ours, plus it broke out windows and destroyed trucks and cars and our RV was totaled by Geico, it was like the world was ending — and we did not get any warning siren then! Our hail was literally the size of soft balls, big as my fist, and it pounded our town for nearly half an hour. It was freaky. DEEP BREATH. ….. Anyway the sky looks clear now and the siren has stopped so maybe they were testing it? But they never tested it before and we have lived here a little over 5 years. Sorry I freaked. A couple of days ago a big super cell hit storm with tornadoes and soft ball sized haild hit Amarillo Texas, which is a couple of hours away from here. Eeek!

      Liked by 2 people

      • OMG ALaina, I feel like an idiot. I didn’t think you meant an ACTUAL siren!
        Yes, those are scary as hell. I remember in the early 2000’s (I forget the year) living in a modular house with no bsaement and we had a tornado WARNING. I looked outside and the trees were swaying like blades of grass and the sky was black and GREEN.
        There was NO WHERE to go. I was in the house with the kids who were very young and was scared out of my mind. I grabbed them and rushed out of the house and ran across the street with them through the hail and hid in the garage of a neighbor across the street who was not home. It was terrifying for all of us!
        Thankfully, the sky cleared and nothing happened.
        I can’t imagine living in a place like Oklahoma or Kansas this time of year.
        I was also in Texas one year in April (it was my father’s house) and we had a tornado warning there too but at least he had a basement.

        I’m glad you are safe and it wasn’t anything to worry about. That is so scary!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh man, thanks, I was feeling guilty for interjecting the siren into this conversation, like what am I, a narcissist, it has to be all about my drama? NOOO!! It just really scared me.

          Liked by 1 person

            • Warning sirens are always so scary. But of course they are SUPPOSED to scare you. I guess with an earthquake they happen too suddenly for there to be any good warning system.

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        • LOL… my very first memory in life is of an 6.7 earthquake in California when I was a toddler. Gave me recurring nightmares for years.

          Liked by 2 people

          • OH NO!!! My LOL comment was posted BEFORE NormalIsBoring’s commented about living through bad earthquakes in California. OMG… it looks like I am saying “LOL” about that and I wasn’t, I was laughing because my first childhood memory is of an earthquake. Although it was 6.7, it was brief and there wasn’t a lot of damage nor were there any fatalities, I don’t think there were, anyway… so it wasn’t a horrible earthquake. My LOL is because it is sort of ironic that my first memory in my crazy life is of an earthquake. (Feeling very stupid right now…)

            Liked by 1 person

            • Oh man… I do feel really stupid. I should not have even mentioned it. I was sitting here all alone, with the poodle on my lap, and the siren went off just as I was starting to reply to this post and I freaked. Eeek. I need to calm down, I am still a little freaked. Going for a walk now… but ANYWAY, what I was going to say before the siren sidetracked my head… are you sure he isn’t lying about how much he will be getting? Our neighbor’s son-in-law became disabled and he was not given the huge lump sum of back money that he was expecting, he was told that the SSD no longer gives huge lump sums all at once, because people tend to blow it, so they give the back money a little at a time. Anyway… whatever… I am just glad that you are YOU and you are not HIM. Otherwise we would not have this great blog to read!

              Liked by 1 person

            • Oh no, it’s perfetly okay and very understandable. If a siren went off here while I was writing I would have been freaking out too and would probably have said something about it too. No worries.

              Liked by 1 person

            • Last year, I stayed with my daughter in the LA area for several days while she recovered from surgery. Her surgeon said she needed to do a lot of walking to prevent blood clots. So we were walking in Beverly Hills one evening when a brief 4-point-something tremor hit… I stumbled and nearly twisted my ankle. But my daughter, on her pain meds, just floated right on down the sidewalk and did not even notice the brief shaking.

              Liked by 1 person

            • Yeah, you are right. Although my daughter laughed at the time when we got back to the house where we were staying and her actor friend said, “DId you guys feel the earth tremor that just happened about 15 minutes ago?” Then I said, “Oh, that’s why I stumbled. I thought it was just me. I guess my daughter is too relaxed on her pain meds to notice.” She is fine now, my daughter, but she did have a rough time of it for a while last year.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. You must feel sorry for him, he will spend it all very quickly, as I am sure he has no idea how to invest properly. Then he will be just as poor as when he started. It’s been proven statistically, I have no idea why they give large lump sums to people?!
    NIBSIH

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s times like this that I begin to almost understand the conservative mindset…
      our taxes are going to support losers like him feeding off the government teat.
      Dammit, I just said that and I’m a liberal.

      Liked by 4 people

  4. That sucks! My ex did the same thing, only he snuck around and hired an attorney and all while we were married-I was at work everyday! I never saw a Penny of the lump sum-I continued to pay all the bills while he played with his money. Oh, he got the marital home and all my stuff, because he doesn’t work and I do, therefore, I was more able to rebuild in the eyes of the law! It’s not right or fair, God knows…in the end, they LOSE!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I wish I could make it all better for you. Envy sucks the big one. Maybe it will help if you think about how awful it must be to be living inside his head? No amount of money can fix that mess.

    Liked by 1 person

      • You are such an awesome and HONEST person, and you write a terrific blog. Can you imagine the ex being able to write something like this? And to keep up with it day after day like you do? No way, huh?

        Liked by 1 person

        • No, and I know he’s looking for it too. He told me on Sunday he knew I had a blog about narcissism ( I guess my kids told him) but I would not give him the fake name i have it under (he did ask), and my FB posts that I share are not visible to people who aren’t on my friends lists. He’s not stupid though and probably can find it if he looks hard enough. Hell, my parents found it. Nothing happened.
          Plan to write a post about this later too.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh that’s funny! I don’t know what political affiliation I am anymore, it’s all convoluted and confusing.

    I have to agree, I believe the concept of helping one another has turned into a hand out, via public assistance, etc. When it was established during The Depression, (don’t quote me, school was a long time ago), public assistance was meant as a temporary fix, not a means of permanent living, granted there are exceptions and extenuating circumstances. Also finding a job is horrible too right now, especially if you have a limited skill set.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. While its natural to be angry over this situation, it also highlights why you are not together. Be thankful that you have your own life apart! Focus on what you can positively affect – your life!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I think we all get envious at times, with me, it’s when a young kid (teen ager) can afford to buy/lease a brand new car right off the lot, I work like a dog and can only afford $500 or less cars, or folks that can buy a nice shiny new house , with all the warrantees and guarantees that go with it, and here I am in a 100+ year old house and the kicker part is I have another 7 years to go before the house is mine outright, meanwhile these young families will have their new homes paid for in 5 years or less… it irks me to no end, but then I stop myself and think… yeah my car may be old , but there are many who can’t afford to even buy a $500 car, I look at my house and think, so what it will have taken me 14 years to pay off, but at least I have a house, there are many families sleeping in cars and under bridges that wouldn’t care if a house was 100+ or older , they’d be happy to have a roof over their head, leaks and all… I just stop and put things in perspective, when I look at those that have even less than I do, I am grateful , my envy turns to thankfulness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well you know mine. The Predatar Narc that romanced me to try to suck me into a cult. And I finally found hard core evidence in the video I shared with you that he is an active member of that cult. They steal money from innocent people around the world and they sip Pins Coladas in Cancun, Mexico and laugh at their victims. I wonder when karma will get back at these mean people. It sure does seem unfair. Its a strange universe.

      Liked by 1 person

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