Letter from a narcissist’s “true self”

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Here is a hypothetical letter written from the point of view of a narcissist’s True (lost) Self.

The advice given here by the True Self is almost the polar opposite of whatever their False Self would tell you. That’s because their False Self is a lie and isn’t who they really are, even though they may have been wearing this mask for so long they can never access their True Self without enormous difficulty or even at all.

Always follow the advice of their True Self, no matter how much they protest and rage, unless you want further abuse. It’s actually the best thing for them if they ever decide to look in the mirror past the lies they show the world (and may have come to believe is the truth)–and of course it’s best for you.

Letter from a Narcissist’s True Self:

Dear Victim,

I have lied to you about nearly everything. I am not sorry for this behavior because I cannot empathize with you. I chose narcissism so early in my life that I never had the chance to develop a conscience or the capacity to feel remorse or empathy for the way I hurt you. Still. I know it’s wrong on an intellectual level. I just cannot feel your pain. Sometimes I wish I could, but I can’t.

I became a narcissist because as a child I felt too vulnerable. I was sensitive. I felt too much and most of it was painful. I was made to feel like I was nothing, a nobody. I was hurt, betrayed, abused, just like you. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t loved, or why I was treated with contempt and like I didn’t matter. I was also was never given a good example of how to become a good person. I never had anyone to model in a positive way.

Life was so painful for me I had to do something about it. Something drastic. I had to become strong and never show weakness again, because my weakness was killing me. I was trained that being a sensitive person who feels compassion and remorse, a person who can love others, is a weak person. I know that isn’t really the case, but it was how I was trained. I was so young that I couldn’t see how wrong that might have been.

I reached a point where I had to make a choice. In order to survive, I had to sacrifice my humanity. I didn’t want to do it, but I felt like I had to. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I had to sell my soul.

In order to sell my soul, I had to shut you and everyone else out. I couldn’t allow myself to feel too much. I couldn’t allow myself to be sensitive anymore, and that meant I could no longer allow myself to love anyone, feel anyone else’s pain or joy, or feel sorry if I did something wrong.

I had to don this mask that I wear, which is a lie. In order to keep that lie intact, I had to treat others badly. I had to diminish you to prop my false self up. I had to hate you in order to “love” the mask that I show the world, because if I didn’t continually prop myself up by making you feel bad, my mask of lies might fall off and expose the real me, a powerless and vulnerable child which I had to protect at all costs, even if it meant destroying everyone else around me. I am a bully but inside I know I am nothing. I act like I love myself but I really hate myself. I only love the mask I wear. I abuse you to protect that mask.

michelle_mallon_quote
Read Michelle Mallon’s story here.

You can never get through to my true self because the lies I tell are nearly impenetrable. I have lied so often and for so long that I myself have come to believe my own lies. I am a walking lie. That is the truth.

I will never let you get close to what I really feel. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. Most of the time I feel nothing, because a lie has no feelings. But try to destroy my protective armor, and I will try to destroy you. If I must go down in flames, I am going to take you with me. I will rage and abuse you. I will gaslight you and tell you the most horrific lies about yourself.

I may seem nice at first or when I feel like the supply you give me is threatened or you may leave. I know how to get others to trust me–by acting like a nice person. I am good at acting like a nice person but I can’t feel a nice person’s emotions. It’s hard work to act nice, because that’s a lie too.

When you begin to trust me, I will start abusing you, because I must keep you at arm’s length and keep my mask of lies intact at all costs. Both the niceness I show you and the asshole I become are both lies. I cannot even access who I really am. I have forgotten. I just know that my true self is there, somewhere, and I can never, ever, let you meet them.

If you mirror back to me too much of the truth about me–if I become aware that you KNOW this mask I always wear is a fake–I will attempt to destroy you or cut you out of my life. I cannot afford to have the truth about myself revealed to me. Nothing terrifies me more than facing the truth about myself so I have dissociated myself from it. It scares me so much to realize how evil I have become. It hurts me so much that I had to choose this fake self because of what was done to me. I hate being evil. I really don’t want to be this way but I will never, ever admit that. I cannot ever show you or anyone in the world how weak and vulnerable I really am. But deep inside, I know I am.

incrediblehulk

I am still an infant. I never grew up. My emotional and moral development was arrested when I was just a very young child, so I only have the emotional maturity of a child that age. That’s why I can’t care about you. It’s why I must always have my way. Can a two or three year old care about YOUR feelings? Of course they can’t, and like a toddler, I can’t either. I am like a mentally challenged person, only my retardation isn’t mental, it’s emotional and moral. I’m emotionally retarded.

It’s hard work keeping up my false self. I am paranoid and defensive all the time that I will be discovered and exposed. It’s enormously stressful to be a narcissist. It’s stressful and often painful, and I know I have sacrificed the ability to ever feel real happiness in order to never be hurt again.

But still, I hurt all the time. You can hurt me very easily. The only way I dare show my hurt is by projecting it back onto you through my abuse and through my rages. I’m a bully because I always hurt so much. But I can’t hurt FOR you, only for myself. I cannot afford to hurt for you. I’m too busy always licking my own wounds and trying to keep the lie going. I will hurt YOU if I must to keep the lie intact.

As I age, I may soften a little but most likely I won’t. I could even become worse. Don’t wait for me to change because I most likely never will. Once I chose this life, there was no going back. I chose darkness and once that’s done, there is no going back to the light. I sold my soul and there’s no way to buy it back, but through the grace of God himself.

If you care about yourself (because I can never care about you), you must leave now. Don’t play my games. Ignore me and act like I don’t exist. Being treated like I don’t exist is the worst thing I can imagine, but if you care about your own survival it’s what you must do. I will destroy you if you don’t. Heed my warning.

There’s even a small–a very small–chance that your abandoning me and taking away the supply I get from you could make me take a look in the mirror for the first time at the lost child I left behind so long ago. If that happens, I will be in so much pain I may seek the help I need. Don’t count on it though. Even if I ever seek help, once I start feeling too much pain I will probably leave counseling. Feeling that pain is too terrifying. It’s easier to abuse my own mind (and yours) by keeping up the masks and lies.

Here is a song that describes me well.

Don’t wait for me to change. I won’t. Don’t play my games. Even if I rage, hold your ground. You’re stronger than I am. I will never let you know I know this. Don’t fall for my lies.

Better yet, leave now. Keep your soul intact. Don’t allow me to turn you into a shell of what you used to be or worse, a person like me, even though it’s what I want.

Sincerely,
Your Narcissist

70 thoughts on “Letter from a narcissist’s “true self””

  2. This made me feel so emotional. And it made me feel really sorry for the narc who made my life such a misery for so long, because, in the end I walked away but he will always be….”this”. How awful.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Writing it made me emotional too. I actually started crying while I was writing it. I feel so sorry for them sometimes. We were actually lucky to escape that particular disorder.
      I’ll take being a Borderline/Aspie/Avoidant PD over being a narc any day.

      I wish there was a cure for them.

      Liked by 2 people

    • I am a narc and it is true. Our life is a terrible pain, every second of it. I want to love so much but I know I don’t deserve it. I always defend myself and cant do anything else. I dont want anything more than real human interactions, let alone love, my tears falling as I type this. But I dont belong. Today I just sae my ex. A beautiful girl. Amazing. She gave gave me two chance. I fucked it all up and éven accused HER of being selfish. When I was 3 years old my father (possibly a narc psycho) robbed me from my mum and she started to fight with my stepfather. I was trying to make them stop. Maybe that was when it all started. My childhood was full of family fights. I always hoped if I survive all, life will be great. Cuz I came from down there. It’s not. I think about suicide everyday. Or I think about my ex. But I feel like she is better without me. If I am really a narc, then I am telling you N victims that even if your hurt is very rightful and you are angry, move on. You can have a better life but narcs are destined to suffer. More than you can imagine. God bless you, and though I hope he will bless me too. I am in unbearable pain.

      Liked by 4 people

      • I still have energy in me, and I walk everyday seeing people love, respect and care about each other. And – of course the selfishness comes – I think about why I dont deserve it too. I want that. Those people probably had better childhood than me. They enjoyed it, that is why they feel good now. I suffered, and now, I am a stranger. And now, again, who is this post about? Me. Thats why Im alone. Pathetic.

        Liked by 3 people

          • Wow, Sam, I appreciate your posting and it takes great courage of you to bare your soul here like that. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain right now, and I’m so sorry you’re suffering so much.

            First, I have a question for you. Have you been officially diagnosed with NPD or do you just suspect you’re a narcissist because of your selfish and manipulative behaviors? It could be, that you aren’t a narcissist at all–you may have a disorder such as Borderline PD. I’m a borderline, and there are a lot of similarities between these disorders. The reason I wonder is you say you have suicidal thoughts. Not many narcissists become suicidal but many Borderlines do. Of course there are exceptions, especially if a narc has lost everything or has lost their primary source of supply. That’s when they may either seek treatment or contemplate suicide.

            If you do have NPD, it sounds like you have reached a narcissistic crisis due to having lost an important source of narcissistic supply. The type of depression and pain you are going through right now is likely to happen when a narcissist reaches that crisis point.

            I’ve received some flack lately for sympathizing too much with narcissists, but that’s because I get comments and emails from ones like you, who are in pain and want nothng more than to be “normal”–to feel empathy, love, joy and all the emotions of connectedness that non-narcissists are able to enjoy. They are tired of feeling emotionally dead and envious of those who have these qualities.

            If you are a narcissist, Sam, you are fortunate in that you have enough insight into your disorder to recognize it has become a problem for you and your ability to have successful relationships and feel happy with your life. You also sound like you have reached a point where your masks are no longer working for you, and your true self is trying to emerge. It can be painful when that begins to happen because there’s fear of being so emotionally “naked.” Your disorder is so ingrained and your true self is the vulnerable (and real, undeveloped) part of you. Allowing yourself vulnerability can be extremely scary because you abandoned that part of yourself a long time ago. Most narcs in therapy leave when the masks begin to come off, because it’s so painful and scary. But it sounds like you are desperate enough to possibly want to do the hard work it will require to get better.

            As to the concept of choice, I believe for most narcissists, that choice was made at such a young age that it’s hardly fair to hold your responsible. There are those that think no one with NPD can ever change, but I disagree (and if you’ve been reading this blog, you will see I’ve gotten a lot of flack for my beliefs, lol) I do not think malignant narcs or sociopaths can change, because they are too far gone and have become thoroughly evil. Anyone who reaches a point of reaching out the way you have, I do not believe is a malignant narcissist. I recently received a private email from another young man, much like you, who believes he is a narcissist and hates the way he is and wants to have satisfying relationships and be able to feel love. He wants to stop using other people for supply.

            I’m not a mental health professional so I can’t personally help you. But there are therapists (usually expensive) who are willing to work with people with NPD. You can Google it, and also please check “Healing NPD and BPD” in my header– there’s a list of resources there that may be of help to you.

            Also, if you want to talk to me personally, you can always email me and I can try to see what other resources there may be. I know they’re out there. Check “contact me” in the header.
            It always makes me feel good when I get comments like yours, because so few narcissists are able to face that they have a disorder or are willing to change. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain, but believe it or not, it sounds like this could be a step toward healing for you. Keep your chin up and pray a lot too.. It sounds like you have faith in God, so please turn to Him when you feel like you want to kill yourself or just feel hopeless. Nothing is hopeless. Thanks for your comments, Sam, and good luck with everything.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Thank you.

              You know, sad truth is, we can even be willing to change. But we can’t. Yes we can stop hurting people, but that’s just half of the story. We invested our life into a nothing. I invested my life into success (I had some), fame (I had some), and ended up feeling terribly empty with no social circle.

              Life is ZERO without human interaction. Zero. And how I lived in the last 20 years had ZERO to do with people. Only with myself. Can I change? Yes.

              But what do you think, other people did in that 20 years? They developed as a person, in the normal way. That’s why they understand, like, love and can relate to each other. I’m a child, wanting to socialize with grown ups. God help me.

              Don’t expect us to change. Want to help a narc? Shoot him / her.

              Liked by 1 person

            • Your last sentence concerns me, Sam. I can tell you’re in a lot of pain, but killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I really think that you’ve reached a crisis and are at your most vulnerable — as a narcissist, that’s an intolerable feeling, but it’s also a positive step toward healing should you decide to flow with it and use it as a springboard for self discovery and healing.

              Liked by 1 person

      • If you were in so much pain and genuinely sorry, you wouldn’t inflict pain on other people. It’s a very simple choice to make an effort not to harm other people, but narcissists specifically choose to harm people. And then they blame others: sorry I had to hurt you, it’s just that my (ex, mom, dad, whoever) hurt me. That’s not an apology, it’s an excuse. Don’t accept excuses.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I do have a question. Does a Narcissist become a Narcissist within a few minutes. Do they make a single decision to shut down to block the core of their being? Or is it a gradual process that elivates more and more malignant with age? When they chose narcissism at a young age, does the light of their core still shine through or does the mental block happen rapidly?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m not sure, Mary. Perhaps some do. For others it might be a gradual giving over to evil and a slower sacrifice of their good self over time. When you get a chance, watch the fascinating video “Child of Rage,” about a 6 year old girl named Beth Thomas who was well on her way to psychopathy due to horrific parental abuse when she was a baby, but she was rescued in time by loving adoptive parents and her transformation to a psychopath or malignant narc was successfully halted. She was immediately entered into various therapies plus strict retraining of her conscience that took place in a residential setting.
      Because she was so young, she was rescued from that fate and from all accounts, became normal person with normal levels of empathy.
      I wrote an article about her a while back–you must watch the video. It is fascinating.

      Can a psychopath ever be cured?

      I think over a certain age though, change becomes less likely. If a cure is to work, it has more chance on a young patient whose narcissitic or psychopathic behaviors aren’t too deeply engrained yet.

      Liked by 1 person

        • So completely dependent and they know they can manipulate you more than ever. Also in a rage over their declining health, looks and faculties.

          Can you imagine a narc having to have his diaper changed for the first time after losing bowel or bladder function? He or she would completely melt down at being forced to be so exposed and vulnerable.
          I would not bet that’s a pretty sight watching that meltdown , would you?

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          • No I couldn’t imagine it. At that age they are very cruel. I might have to leave my bible study because of an old narc. I feel like if she could jump me she would.

            As for me I wouldn’t change their pants, let them stay dirty until they apologize. 🙂

            Liked by 2 people

      • I will have to watch the video about the young girl. I am thinking about attending a professional seminar/class on the subject on Cluster B personality disorders and their manipulative behaviors. It’s an advance course for therapists and psychiatrists and all workers in the mental health field. Its open to whomever wishes to take the course…so I thought it would be interesting to learn and mingle amongst the different professionals in that field.

        Liked by 1 person

        • That sounds interesting. I hope you get to go. The girl in the video was obviosly psychopathic and developing ASPD not just NPD. I think it’s great that she was rescued in time to be able to be cured.
          I find it fascinating the way at certain ages, a psychological door slams shut and I think more studies need to be done on what age it happens that the person can’t turn back and will continue to get worse.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I’m looking forward to watching the video. I’m at the bar…listening to my boyfriend play ACDC covers in one of the bands he is in. Its called Sonic Reign. They sound exactly like ACDC. Probably tomorrow I’ll get to watch the video you suggested. I think I’ll go to church..then lunch with a friend….them practice guitar to the song I wrote with him..and than I’ll watch that video. I’m so glad I have tomorrow off from work. I’m looking forward to a day of my own 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

    • What I can say that its not a decision. We were faced life situations in infancy we just werent ready to face. It was no option. They say, we did not get to the phase of realizing that other people are seperate. Thats why we hurt so easily. This is why our abuse is not personal, but of course, people take it personally and they of course right. How else could they take it. And when we become aware – if that happens – we realize that we are everything we hate, look down on and criticize.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know narcissists are held responsible for having chosen their disorder, but it’s hardly fair in some cases, because the choice was made at such a young age, before the age of reason. That choice was made because at the time, it seemed like the only way to survive. It’s my belief that narcissists are essentially more sensitive than anyone else and felt SO vulnerable that shutting out ALL tender and vulnerable emotions was the only way they thought they could survive. It’s an elaborate defense mechanism. Unfortunately, for most, this pattern has become so ingrained and intractable the person can’t even become aware they have NPD at all and project it onto others instead. It sounds like you are one of the fortunate ones with insight AND willingness.
        Both are necessary for healing.

        Liked by 1 person

        • We are responsible. Who else would be. Not only narcs went through hard childhood traumas. But for some fd up reason we ended up this way. I used to think I am special because of my hard childhood. I thought I’m above everyone else.

          “The most miserable people are those who care only about themselves, understand only their own troubles and see only their own perspective.”

          I wish I could change. Right now I’d give my half arm without a second thought to go back and change it. I want people. They are so nice. It’s so nice that they can relate to each other. A romantic relationship is so nice. Having a life on your own and loving the other. Taking care. Kissing the other. Giving gifts. Giving gifts for the sake of giving. Being accepted for the imperfect being you are. Watching movies together. Being loved by a great girl, like my ex.

          Stopped whining.

          Liked by 1 person

          • You’re already halfway to normalcy because you realize how much you want the normal things non-narcs enjoy. The only thing keeping you from having those things in your life is you. You know this. Face the pain and explore it. It will hurt but you’re FEELING. That’s a good thing. Use it. Let your tears flow. Then talk openly and honestly to the little hurt child inside you and tell him you love him. He will listen and start venturing out if you give him the love he was denied that caused him to go into hiding. Does that make sense to you? I hope that helps a little.

            Liked by 2 people

  4. I always like to think that maybe if I had a wish, my MN mother would come out of it for five minutes. In that 5 minutes she would tell me all the stuff she did was wrong, that I really was special and should have been loved. Then at the end of that 5 minutes she would say, “Please, please enjoy every part of your life now. I will be gone and what comes back in my place stay away from forever.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • I would love it so much if that could happen. Just for once, to see their true self come out and tell you they’re sorry. I would cry so much if that happened, but in a good way. Of course it would be sad, watching them either go back into narc-hood (like the man in Flowers of Algernon had to go back from being a genius to a retarded man–God that was so sad) or dying right after….but at least they could die in peace and give us seem peace as they passed on.

      Maybe things like this have really happened. I hear strange things happen on deathbeds and some can be pretty miractulous, so it could be sometimes it happens.

      Like

    • All we can really do is pray that God steps in and they have a change of heart. I do believe in very rare cases, a narcissist can actually be healed, but it’s VERY rare. They have to have both insight into their disorder and willingness to change.
      The problem with willingness is that even if a narcissist knows they have the disorder, they are not bothered by their behaviors, it’s others who suffer.

      That being said, there are some narcissists who wish they were different. I’ve seen posts from people with NPD who hate not being able to not feel joy, love or empathy. They really do suffer a lot. They’re in a lot of pain over it. They want to be able to feel what others do, and may be willing to do the hard, hard work it will take to unlearn their selfish behaviors. It will take an iron will though, because the pain a narcissist feels when they begin to shed their masks is usually overwhelming to them and they leave treatment. The best we can really hope for is that they can be trained to react in more pro-social ways through therapies like CBT, but it doesn’t change them inside, it only changes the behaviors they show the world.

      Liked by 1 person

      • When I moved out of our home and left him taking the children with me he told me he hit rock bottom and had to see a counsellor because he was feeling suicidal,he also said that it was the best thing that could of happened to him because it made him feel things that he has never felt in his whole life and he admits he has lived a life feeling very little.I don’t know how true it is but he says I have made him realise a lot about himself and made him feel really things that he didn’t think was possible to feel.I dont belive he has seen a counsellor as i have no proof of this and as soon as I went back to the relationship the counselling appointments were never mentioned again as he said he didn’t need one anyone because he had dealt with his issues.in just one of many arguments I told him to Google the words narcissist and sociopath which he found quite amusing this was over a year ago and but he will not accept this and said it’s a terrible thing for me to say about him and was never mentioned again.This was before I attempted to live with him for the 2nd time and also before I moved out for the 2nd time. I dont know if me moving out and leaving him with nothing was enough to make him hit rockbottom and actually cause him to want to heal and change. I have seen a difference in him and he has been better than ever but his narcissism at times is so obvious it actually makes me cringe and he still continues being verbally abusive and manipulating.it breaks my heart knowing that no matter how much he wants to change and trys I just don’t think he can and I don’t know how much more I can take as i am constantly in a hyper vigilant state And my anxiety is through the roof.I have actually started to pray that God can give him the strength to change and I am not religious but I don’t know what else to do at this point.

        Liked by 2 people

        • That was such a beautiful and inspiring story I actually got tears in my eyes reading it. It’s of course miraculous and wonderful when people with other disorders can heal, but whenever I hear a story of a narcissist (usually non-malignant but still!) humbling himself or herself and being open to healing and beginning to take account of their own behavior and even start to FEEL things like remorse, empathy and love–I really feel like God exists and has stepped in for these suffering people.

          Of course it takes a disaster or major loss in their lives like your leaving that made him wake up and want to change. That will not happen for most, but for yours it did, and this story just proves to me that all the people who keep saying narcs are evil and possessed by the devil and are cursed by God himself (I actually just read a comment on another thread here that said these people are BORN BAD–they are bad seeds!) I have NEVER believed in bad seeds nor do I think anyone is completely 100% without hope. Not even a malignant narcissist. A sociopath/psychopath, maybe.

          I don’t quite know why this topic is so important to me, why I want to cry tears of joy any time I read about a narcissist like this who wants to be healed and actually works at it even though the process is painful and scary. I get so emotional about it!
          Maybe it’s because I have loved so many narcs, and was raised by them, and my daughter may even be one. I am surrounded by ones I care about. It would be so wonderful if all of them could be healed and be who they were really meant to be when they were born. It would be nice to have people who treated me like absolute dog crap finally be able to tell me how wrong they were and how sorry they were. I would like for them to be able to die in peace and give those they abused a little peace too. I would like to see them have a chance at heaven…

          Thank you so much for this, It is very inspiring.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Message to Sam, above: I couldn’t reply directly because I ran out of nested replies. I hope you see this. Please see someone about your depression. Don’t give up hope yet! It’s normal for someone in your shoes who is realizing what you missed out on for so long to be in a state of depression and despair. I don’t believe you are hopeless. Get the depression addressed and treated first, then find a therapist who specializes in NPD or Cluster B disorders.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. It’s strange. I been hating myself for the last few weeks. Realizing painful, more painful and even more terribly painful realities.

    Today, I just imagined letting my family members know I will commit suicide. And I was thinking, what would I say if they ask why? And I realized I’d say: I got tired. And I asked myself, tired of what? And I realzied, it’s being tired of doing everything for others.

    Now, I don’t even look at myself, as a narcissist, as selfish. I feel like I am the opposite. I feel like my narcissism is the lack of selfishness all my life. Strange. I never had any wishes on my own, repressed my needs.

    My need to feel loved, my need to feel safe, my need for someone to be there, My need to have a company, to have people care about me. Repressed all that. And I became a robot, who does things, but is not there.

    Is it a wonder that we, narcissists, all we do is making others look at is, getting supply? Listen to this. If you are a sensitive child, who grew up in a childhood environment which was FULL of problems, fights, alcoholism, lack of safety, you kind of realize instinctly that there is just not enough attention for you. You don’t matter that much. You accept it, you don’t want to cause trouble, because you see that there is enough already in your parents’ life.

    The only time you get some “love” is when you are good at something? How else we could build a “self”? This was the only thing that “worked” back then, so we kept doing this. If you are “special”, you get attention. So you conclude that the only case you are worthy is when you do something special.

    I hate my parents now. You could say they did the best they could, but they didn’t do the best the could. I have this huge emptiness in me now. Worst thing is, I know I’m more than that, but it’s not possible to realize anymore.

    Narcissism happens when you are not loved for who you are. I recently felt shameful for suicidal thoughts. Now I see that they are from my essence. I deserve a lot more than what this life became.

    It’s saddening to see that even my hate towards myself was an attempt to gain control over the sadness I feel. To make myself responsible, so maybe I can change it.

    Life is cruel.

    Liked by 1 person

    • And I can’t even focus on my own needs anymore. I feel like I’m at the end of a years long tunnel. Everything around me was built from an unconscious hope that I’ll get “love” when I achieve them. Now I realize that everybody else been enjoying life and themselves in the meantime.

      Nobody cares about my fking sacrifices. Nobody cares about my sacrificed life. No wonder I attracted selfish people. Who borrowed money and never gave back.

      Now I am liking my ex’s photos on facebook. I became kind of codependent on her. And I’m realizing that making others happy with my “performance” is the only thing I ever did in my freaking life.

      this is what someone wrote about Ns (it is in the Humanizing the Narcissistic Style book).

      “When they are not achieving, not succeeding, not making others happy, then they are failing and they are worthless and not lovable.”

      This describes me. If I am a Narcissist, we are not selfish, we are extremely, unhealthily selfless. The reason we come out as selfish is because you WILL BE selfish if you don’t give to yourself. Fact. Nobody is a robot.

      We need to extract that supply from people because otherwise we wouldn’t feel like existing. Other people take it, and go away. Next day they may even deny or forget it.

      This is why I couldn’t understand how can I be the biggest loser and the strongest man I know at the same time. I used my strength in all my life to survive, and not to build myself.

      Life is cruel.

      Like

      • I’m one of the most respected people in the community. I have great achievements and skills. Not fabricated. But nobody loves me. They love my persona. Which I love too. But it’s a product of my talents, intelligence. Not me as a human.

        I am loved for my performance and not for myself. I don’t even know what that means. I don’t even know who would me be if I just go out and pursue my heart. It’s a terrifying thought in itself. It makes me feel like a 28 year old baby, with ZERO friends, ZERO relatives, ZERO family members.

        I must have done some incredibly terrible thing in my last life.

        I was 4 year old when my mother cried in the room, my father was fighting with my stepfather in the other room. Did me, as a young boy cry? No. I soothed my mother, and went at my fathers, and kicked them in the leg to stop fighting.

        “Stop it! I love my father! Stop the fight!”

        And then he threw a vase at me.

        When my parents decided to give me 2-homes, a dual life, I accepted it. It was fucked to not have a home, and constantly move, every second week. Peers in school gave strange looks. Teacher told (not knowing this about me), that a child should have one home. Still, I acted strong. I defended my parents decision, and acted like it didn’t suck.

        In exchange, my father left me home for days sometimes, alone.

        I remember one time when I expressed my needs. My stepfather beat up my mom, and I ran away, to my father’s home. And told him: “He beat mommy up!”. What he said? “He did it because he is a good person.” I think part of me still stands there, shocked. Is it a wonder that I shut my feelings down? 🙂

        As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that yes maybe I’m still selfish. I’m only seeing my perspective. I guess my parents didn’t feel too good at those times either.

        Maybe it’s really that narcissists can only see their sides. We feel entitled to a happy life and expecting others to give it to us and not caring about how they feel.

        Liked by 2 people

        • I’m so sorry you had to go through that shit and had to shut off your true self because of what they did to you. People always forget that narcissists were almost always victims of abuse too. That’s what I keep trying to tell everyone and have been attacked and insulted because I can feel empathy for people who were forced to choose narcissism as a way to survive.

          What you’ve said here makes me believe that yes, you have NPD, and although I’m not a professional and I can’t give you an official diagnosis, I can say your depression results from the emptiness you feel inside because you are living a lie. NPD is a devastating mental illness that is difficult to cure but it’s not impossible. You are not actually dead under the mask of perfection. I’m not sure what else to say, just keep talking. It’s not enough, but at least it’s something.

          Liked by 2 people

      • That’s a very interesting way of looking at narcissism. That it’s paradoxically unselfish but comes across as selfishness and that all you are trying to do is impress others, not really doing anything to make yourself happy. That’s a miserable way to live and it’s become a habit that’s been with you for so long you can’t break out of it. You already know you will always stay miserable unless you can break out of it.
        I know you’re suffering because of the breakup. I know it’s probably really hard to not look at her photos but is there any way you can resist doing that? Staying off Facebook maybe? Pining over her and liking her photos isn’t going to help, it will make things worse, make you hurt even more. But I know the temptation to do that is probably overwhelming.
        Ijust want you to know I care about you and don’t want to see anyone this depressed. I’ve been that depressed and it’s no way to live.
        You can be happy, Sam. You can be a real person who can make a real difference in the world. You must tell yourself this and start to believe it. But you need to talk to a counselor as soon as you can. In the meantime, you can write to me and I’ll listen, if there’s no one else who will. Be gentle with yourself.

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        • Can I stop liking her photos? yes. Stay off facebook? Yes. But the problem is, I have nothing else left to do then. My whole life been created in order to make others happy by performing good. I make money to inspire people, not to have money.

          Can I stop liking her photos? No. I don’t think I can. I deserve that girl. Period. And she’ll soon be with someone else, and even if she’d come back, I can’t offer her anything else than what I been doing. The rescuer.

          I been OVER- and UNDERCARING about her. She is a grown woman, she didn’t need me to solve her problems, She actually left me when I tried to do that. She was feeling down and she wanted me to just be there, yet I forced her to tell me what the problem is, until she got mad and went away.

          But I feel like I can’t give anything to a woman than caring all about her, solving her problems and making her happy everytime. But she didn’t need me as a “father”. She is cool by herself. She’s strong. A woman I always wanted to have.

          I really think I’ll commit suicide. It’s the core of my personality, I can’t offer anything else to this world or myself than who I am.

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          • It’s not about just the breakup. I’m not desperately “in love”, like I can’t live without her. The problem is that she WAS the girl for me, personality wise. And I realize that what I did FAILED.

            I perfected the way I want to treat women to a point where I was very proud of it and it FAILED. Because I been doing a fkd up thing from day one, without knowing it.

            I been caretaking about people all my life, only to realize at 28 that nobody else does that and nobody relates to me and nobody needs me in that way. It is a dysfunctional way to live.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Maybe this is the reason Ns think they are the most important thing in the world. Because when your parents suffer and you want to rescue them, you are REALLY something like the most important thing in the universe.

              Liked by 1 person

            • That is what happened to my daughter. SHe may be a narcissist, and when she was very young (like 8-12), her malignant nacissist father used her as his sounding board and therapist. That’s child abuse but probably made her feel important too.

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            • Maybe the guilt of a Narcissist stems from this: “I still feel empty and not loved. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I hurt them and did something wrong. That’s why noone fking loves me.”

              Liked by 2 people

          • Do not kill yourself, Sam. You don’t have to do this. Please go talk to a professional, tell them what you have told me.
            There’s a technique called reparenting. I think you need much more than CBT because you have reached a narcissistic crisis and CBT won’t stop the suffering and misery. There are therapists who work with NPD patients and can reparent you. You can look at the links on healing narcissism in the header. It does work on some narcissists and I think it could work for you if you let it. It’s not going to be easy for you but I think it’s the way out of this trap you are caught in. Please don’t kill yourself.

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      • Sam, I have read all your comments and I am touched. What I see here is a beautiful soul. Beauty of the soul is not about the mistakes we have made nor includes the frequency or even the impact on others. Beauty is hidden within, and often more deeply in they who have the most beauty. I don’t know you, but there is no way to create that soul felt speak without actually having a soul. You may feel you sold your soul to the devil, but have you ever considered the devil is using your sensitivity against you while God is working out His way right now and has always been to restore what was taken from you? My ex is a narcissist. I’m Questioning he’s grown into a sociopath. I had an affair on him. It’s when everything changed. He’s been out to get me ever since. This was 18 years ago, it began. I live with guilt because I was a kid, just 18. And so was he. We got married and it was after marriage he found out. I have immense empathy despite knowing I’m the butt of his joke. He knows my guilt so plays me and I remain feeling guilty because I can see past his masks to how fragile he is underneathe and all I want to do is hold him and let him know everything will be okay, even if the pain feels so overwhelming, unbearable to face. I care very much about my ex husband. Because I see what’s underneath his masks. Narcs see this as a weakness, however it takes a great strong soul to care that much for someone who has and continues to try to destroy their life and existence. I share this in hopes that you will see the love God has for you through some people out there that have a big heart like I do. All is forgiven. Always has been. We just want to see you heal. But that false self does lie to us in convincing us we lose if they are right. Demons, Sam. It’s demons attacking you. Demons attack me and us all, 24/7. The more sensitive a person, the easier it is for those demons to get in an begin to kill, steal and destroy a soul. For you, you have a fighting chance because in your words, your soul remains. The devil has not gotten it. And if that’s true, odds are he never will but we must fight hard the good fight to look at ourselves. Know what the greatest strength is? Someone who can look in the mirror at themselves. We all endure suffering when we do, and it csn nearly kills us especially when we believe the lie we are worthless. What we see in the mirror due to being fed we are worthless, feeds our suffering. The way around this for me has been turning to God (JC) in a way the world doesn’t know how to. I just talk w Him no matter what I feel. I don’t fool myself He can’t hear every thought I have so He became my best fiend, and because He did, I can face my reflection in the mirror. I still hit bottom at times, however because of my trust in Him and what He says that He loves sinners or what I say lovers of darkness at times because we all have fallen away, your darkness is not more evil than the darkness I was and am in. A sin is a sin. Not greater or worse. It’s all the same, your journey and also mine. He knows your heart though. That’s the thing. He sees even what you can’t. What’s hidden behind your pain is a soul that never asked for this. Forgiving ourselves is the most difficult thing. They who are soulless do not feel things you have revealed you feel through your words. The beauty of a soul is the ability to reflect upon the mistakes we have made. This act alone is rare and very greatly cherished by God. He is already with you, my friend Sam. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

    • Sam, are you really thinking about suicide? Even if it’s just suicidal ideation, that’s a serious matter. IThere is help for you. Things aren’t as hopeless as you think they are. I know that’s hard to believe but it’s true.

      I can’t help you personally but I might be able to help point you in the right direction to get the kind of help you need.
      You may not be a narcissist, but you ‘re obviously suffering from severe depression; whatever is behind it is fueling that depression. It runs deep. You need to get to the root of what’s going on, but I don’t think you can do it by yourself, no matter how much insight you have into yourself or willingness to heal.
      I don’t know how old you are, but you sound fairly young? I could be wrong.
      Please email me if you’d like to keep these conversations more private. I will listen and try to help as much as I can, but I definitely think you can benefit from professional help, especially if you’re entertaining thoughts of suicide. You have value as a person—there’s a wonderful, feeling, creative person under that robotic exterior, desperate to come out of hiding. It’s true. You are not a robot even if you feel like you operate on automatic pilot because of the abuse done to you. You have shut off your feelings to protect yourself from being hurt anymore.
      I have no doubt that whatever your mental problem is–narcissism or something else–you can’t access the real you by yourself. Please know you are supported and others care about you.
      I am praying for you and hope you reach out to get the help you need, and ask God (I surmise you believe in God from your earlier comments) to help guide you out of the darkness.
      Please stay in touch either here or via email.

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  9. Incredibly powerful post! Thank you for sharing! Made me cry too…My narcissistic father attempted suicide recently, after his whole world fell apart..It was devastating seeing him lie in ICU, looking so vulnerable & unwell…The mask was definetely gone…and when he woke up all he could do was cry and say ‘How did I end up like this? ”What a loser”.
    My dad has deeply tried to control all aspects of his life since he was much younger. He always controlled his marriage to my mother in many ways, mostly emotional & financial abuse. 15 years ago he married his now wife who is half his age and he had a 9 year old little boy with her! They have had a severely dysfunctional relationship right from the start.He cheated on her, threw her out, cheated again, threw her out…He did what he wanted all the time..She is also narcissistic and a megalomaniac…much more than my Dad…Money was spent on the most expensive of everything…They have spent their lives threatening each other, and recently because my Dad wasn’t earning money anymore he was depressed. His wife was fed up as she wasn’t getting her gucci bags & expensive holidays..
    My Dad only feels ‘worthy’ when he has money coming in & when he has a woman at home..
    His suicide attempt was due to the fact that his wife was threatening to leave him…for the first time…He couldn’t handle the fact that she would divorce him and take the last of his wealth..His poor child on the other hand, has been severely abused and I couldn’t even do anything to prevent it..
    My father sees himself as selfless, not selfish…He has given money to so many people over the years, to help them out financially…He never got it back…By giving money to people, he saw himself as a kind person…Unfortunately though, there is also an element of control there, especially in family…and also ‘he is seen as the powerful man with money, who helps people selflessly…’, when actually by giving too much, there is also some selfishness there..
    I feel utterly devastated that after his suicide attempt, we tried to support him and get him help but he is still where he was before his attempt…back to the dysfunctional threats and his wife demanding things otherwise she will leave…The only difference this time is that he is on anti-depressants..
    My dad believes that his life isn’t worth living if he is divorced and doesn’t have an income..Which is not true! But that is how empty he feels inside, which is sad..I do have empathy for him but I have also been deeply hurt…I have been traumatised again with his suicide attempt….Suicide isn’t the answer…I do believe that some narcissists can definetely improve..My dad is 66 and will not improve unfortunately..

    Sam, you sound very self aware and that is a great start…Try the therapy…I really think there is a chance for you to feel better…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, you dad’s story is just heartbreaking. I am so sorry you are going through this with him. Some people have taken issue with my blog because they think I take too much pity on narcs…I just don’t agree with them that they are ALL evil and ALL hopeless. I don’t think I’m going to hell for thinking that way either. (Someone actually said this to me–that I’m going to hell because I pity narcs too much.)

      Your dad sounds like a low-mid spectrum narc. It sounds like he wants to be a good person but keeps going back to his old ways because it’s like a drug addiction. I’ve sometmes wondered if a 12 step program might help some narcs control themselves better even though they wouldn’t be cured–sort of like the way an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic but can choose to not drink one day at a time. Maybe that’s the way a narc can control their behaviors, one day at a time. But they have to be willing.

      I’m worried about Sam. He was posting here a lot and on the Psychforums NPD forum and then he disappeared. I hope he’s okay. Sam, if you see this, please post something so we know you are alive. I hope you decide it’s not all hopeless and get the help you need.

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      • I also hope Sam is ok. He understands a lot about his condition and I also believe he could make progress.. My Dad on the other hand doesn’t understand and doesn’t listen to anyone.He knows better and is a great manipulator and compulsive liar.. We had to get him admitted to a psychiatric hospital for a week after his attempt, just to get him on anti-depressants ….That took 4 hours of convincing…it was either that, or to do it against his will! My Dad has had sadistic tendencies and has always used women for sex and then discarded them..I have no idea where on the range he is but he definetely has narcissism…Prob Mid range..
        I agree with you on the fact that some Narcs might be more curable but it all depends on how willing they are to reveal that true, scared, vulnerable child..

        Liked by 1 person

        • I agree. Most are unwilling to become vulnerable because that was what hurt them so much in the first place, which is why they adopted a false self. (see the article I posted last night: https://luckyottershaven.com/2015/06/12/malignant-narcissists-hsps-gone-bad/
          I think most NPD’s are incredibly sensitive and had no defenses at all, that’s why it’s so painful or impossible to let go of the mask.
          I know someone who is attempting to heal himself of Npd (he hasn’t been diagnosed though, so he might actually be Borderline) and says he is feeling a lot and crying all the time. He says it feels good though, so I don’t think he’s going to quit. I have no idea how you would go about healing yourself. Obviously he has a lot of insight and willingness but it’s pretty rare. That’s why I think he might not actually have NPD or if he does, is very low on the spectrum.
          I’m very interested in healing methods for Cluster B disorders (mainly NPD and BPD–I don’t think there’s much hope for Antisocial PD) and even have an entire section about it in the header–you probably already saw it though.

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          • You have some very interesting posts lady. I did see them yes..and it is interesting to know if there is help for these people..I don’t necessarily think there is a ‘cure’ but support & improvement is definetely good, if they are willing. The more severe, the harder the chance of them getting help but like you said, if they are low on the spectrum there is definetely hope.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Yes, I do think behavioral treatments like CBT can be very helpful, even if a cure isn’t possible. Borderlines can be cured more easily, and are also responsive to medications that people with NPD are not. Thanks for all your insights and your open-mindedness. Not all ACONs are as open minded as you. They think we should just ignore the fact that narcs were victims too. If one wants to get well, I see no reason why we can’t be supportive of that. The blatant hatred I see on some ACON blogs distresses me. I think anger is fine when you’re trying to go No Contact (which I always recommend–I do NOT think we should stay in relationships with narcsissists) or having to deal with one– that anger is healthy at first because it give you the courage to disconnect, but when it no longer serves a practical purpose, it becomes toxic. Some abuse survivors just will not let go of their hatred. They hold onto it like a trophy and it eats them up inside and makes them bitter and makes it impossible for them to heal. I think holding onto all that rage (which is understandable when you have been abused) is dangerous because it can actually turn you into a narc! I have seen it happen. They even think BPD’s like me are “evil” — even when we have our symptoms under control.

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            • I am very much aware that narcs were once traumatised..This is one of the reasons I kept forgiving my parents for so many years…I don’t know until this day what traumatised them specifically, but nevertheless it happened. My empathy has always been too high too for them..Now I have learnt to set boundaries & in the process of grieving the loss of my childhood…Anger is a healthy emotion after abuse but like you said, it needs to be worked through and released…It doesn’t help in the long run..Once you grieve properly, then you really feel free of the narcs in your life..You might be left with ptsd or other conditions, but you will feel free…I’m not quite there yet, but with the help of my therapist I am hopeful I will get there…
              I think it is brave of anyone, no matter what their disorder, to seek help to get better..

              Liked by 1 person

  11. Pingback: Letter from a narcissist’s true self. | Down the Rabbit Hole

  12. This post is very powerful. I came across this after my bf sent me a series of text messages after a meltdown after trying to reconnect with his family. Some of the lines in his texts are almost an exact copy of the letter from the true self save he expresses incredible remorse for the way he treated me and the pain he has caused. He identifies and acknowledges most of the standard Narc tendencies. I ended it six weeks ago after I couldn’t bear the behaviour and lies anymore. It was mainly cheating behaviour and triangulation. He rarely criticised me or abused me. He is in a lot of pain at the moment and is wallowing in anger, guilt, self hartred and remorse. He feels like the hurt child whom his parents only abused and criticised and rarely said they loved him. He knows he has to love that hurt child and grow up emotionally. I took some of the comments here to help him through the night as he is a plane flight away with his family. His father sounds awfully narcissistic and his sister was the golden child and he was the scapegoat. He hates his sister. He thought he could share his self-awareness with his father and heal the relationship. Sadly and predictably this has not worked out. He will probably need to heal away from them. The pain appears to have caused him to want to drop counselling. I think he should find someone more specialised. In any event as far as I am concerned he has dropped the mask and can never put it back on. He says he will be eternally grateful to me as I opened him up. When I ended it it sent him into a deep crisis. I am back with him ( at the same time being kind to myself as much as I can given I failed to walk away)- waiting to see if he sticks it out. He recalls putting up his defences as a school boy and has conscious memories of changing the way he thought and putting on the mask. It is extraordinary to hear. He says he hardly remembers what real love is. He says he has always felt alone with an attitude of contempt and hate. He says he was always ridiculed as a child. So incredibly sad. I will stay but will maintain my boundaries and will go if he hurts me again or if it sucks up too much of my energy. Thank you for this. I hope he doesn’t slip back.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi, Spider. Before I say what I’m about to say, I want to warn you to be careful. If he has NPD he could be hoovering you and he could become abusive once he knows you won’t leave. He may not, but he could, so just be vigilant.

      Also, you probably will not be able to “fix him” on your own. He does sound like he’s reached a crisis phase, and for someone with NPD, even though their world is falling apart and they are at their most vulnerable, this is actually a very good thing for them because it does open them up to possible healing. Vulnerability and facing the pain and hurt is necessary and is the first step. Most narcissists who go into therapy have reached a crisis (loss of supply) and have run out of other options.

      You sound like a compassionate, empathic person who truly cares and could be a support to him should he decide to go for professional therapy (which he should, since you cannot be his therapist). But just be careful and like you already mentioned, keep your boundaries firm. He doesn’t sound malignant to me (malignants rarely become this self aware or remorseful) so there may be hope for him, should he stick with the therapy. The only problem is that if he begins to feel better, or feels like he’s getting supply (which you are giving him by getting back together with him) he may want to quit therapy, thinking he doesn’t need it anymore or is cured. Encourage him to see it through, no matter how painful it gets for him (and it will get very painful).

      You are a strong and compassionate person to be doing this. I wish both of you luck but it does sound like he’s reached a point of wanting to heal from his disorder.
      I’m glad my post helped you and him. Thank you.
      Let me know how things turn out, will you?

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  13. What complete nonsense. These narcissists can’t even “apologize” to their victims without blaming their behavior on someone else. “Poor little me, I was so hurt I had no choice but to hurt you.” Bullcrap. And y’all feel sorry for them? Nauseating. They know what they’re doing is wrong and they do it anyway. They don’t care about their victims, they enjoy their games, and they are able to stop at will. They don’t because they’re evil. At some point in my recovery from the abuse, I felt sorry for my narcissist for about 6 hours until I realized he had no trouble being nice to other people, it was just me and his other victims. Why feel sympathy for the devil? I’m happy to have learned my lesson, and I will never accept an apology or feel empathy or pity for a narcissist. I’ll save it for people who are worth my energy.

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  14. I am a very newly self aware Narc myself. (2 months) and I remember during one of the numerous break ups that my ex and I went through I sepecixally told her “stay away from me as all I will do is cause you more pain and grief and you deserve better”. I wasn’t even aware of what NDP was yet at that time however that was probably the most honest thing I have ever told her in our 8 years. We are done now and of strangely she was keeping me around a bit until I started doing some deep personall looking into past behaviours and thought patterns etc. And yes I feel worthless and like nothing more than a shell. I can now see how much harm I have done and even to my chikdrenn. Hell I even cried the other day alone thinking about times I have not been around for our children because of my selfishness. So I’m looking for hope not for me but for my children. Because without them I would just run into the woods and let myself die there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your honesty. May I suggest you find a good trauma therapist, if you haven’t already, if only to handle the inevitable depression. You can’t get better on your own. Psychodynamic therapists who use reparenting and focus on trauma work best for people with NPD (and other cluster B disorders). All personality disordered people are at their core suffering from complex PTSD. You may not be “cured” but you can get better. You also might have some other disorder, like BPD. It’s possible. At the very least, you could find a CBT therapist where you can learn mindfulness and better ways of relating to others, but for any hope of a cure, you will need a good psychodynamic trauma therapist. If you’re at all spiritual, prayer and meditation can help too. Good luck!

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