All my narcissistic lovers.

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johann_heinrich

Not long ago, when I started studying narcissism in depth for this blog, I came to a shocking and disturbing realization: Every single one of the men I had relationships with or fell in love with were narcissists. It’s because I was trained by my family to be Narcissistic Supply, and as a Borderline, these relationships tended to be stormy.

Having BPD means I’m not the ideal codependent doormat, and when I felt violated–even though I’d allow the abuse to continue because after all, I was trained that way–I’d still try to fight back, at least for awhile. This led to lots of drama and some truly terrible fights with narcissistic men who I could never fix, no matter how hard I tried. I sure wish I knew then what I know now.

I have always been attracted to narcissistic men and they have always been attracted to me. I’m easily taken in by their elaborate displays of romance and promises in the beginning–there’s no one more romantic than a narcissist trying to procure you as supply. It’s fun while it lasts, but as soon as they know they have conquered you, the abuse begins. One red flag to watch out for: a man who moves in too fast, or starts talking about a permanent commitment or marriage only weeks after you met them.

Here’s a list of the narcissists I was seriously involved with (or married to). Only one wasn’t a narcissist, but he was severely bi-polar. The names are made up.

narcjoke

Steve P: my first serious boyfriend in high school. Steve called constantly (like 8-10 times a day at first), wanted to be with me all the time, regularly sent flowers, was very passionate and loving at first. He actually would cry because he “loved me so much.” After a while he became physically and mentally abusive, insulting me, questioning me about other boys, what I was doing when he wasn’t around, calling me names, and finally becoming physically abusive. One day, with absolutely no warning, he called me and told me he was dumping me because he met someone else. I was enraged at the nerve of this but actually relieved to be rid of him finally.

Mark S: my second serious lover during my college years. Mark was very cool–knew everything there was to know about art, music, theater, and he had offbeat, interesting friends. He used to take me to the East Village in New York City where we’d attend all the punk and new wave clubs and shop in funky vintage clothing and record stores. We had a lot of fun. But he was also an intellectual snob and looked down on my “pedestrian” tastes in music, movies, etc. He looked down on my friends, whose intellectual abilities he felt were beneath him. Mark saw himself as a rogue and a cultural rebel, and after awhile his constant put downs became annoying and we’d fight. He also never wanted to have sex (he was a cerebral narcissist), thinking it was a huge waste of time that could be better spent feeding his mind with new cultural experiences. After about a year, he told me I was too boring and my tastes too commercial and pedestrian, and he dumped me for a woman who looked exactly like me but was apparently much more hip and “in the know” about what was cool and cutting edge than I was. He wound up marrying her.

new_wave_guy

David B: David was not a narcissist; he was bipolar and suffered from severe depressions and substance abuse. He drank heavily to self-medicate and was always in and out of the psychiatric ward. He regarded me as a sort of mother figure and I liked the idea of being needed so much. But his neediness and clinginess became cloying and suffocating, he was constantly drunk, so eventually I left him, not without a little guilt in doing so. But he was really driving me crazy.

Michael B: The malignant narcissist I married. He is actually a psychopath. Michael acted very much like Steven in the beginning–showering constant attention and gifts on me, moving in very fast, talking about marriage just three months after we met. Being that I was in my mid-20s, I was open to marriage and he seemed perfect. I should have seen one HUGE red flag: the expensive engagement ring he insisted I have was purchased with my own credit card, because he had already maxed all his out. He always lived way above his means. He’d take me to expensive restaurants and insist I pay (and of course, he would pay me back later, but he never did). The rest of our story can be found in the articles under “My Story” in the header. Let’s just say the man is a psychopathic monster with serious substance abuse issues and a parasitic monster at that.

rottencard

Daniel S: The only lover I’ve had since the divorce. Well, okay, we were actually still married. (I’m not proud of this). But my marriage was already long over and I was desperate and miserable and not thinking straight (not that it’s an excuse to cheat). Daniel was actually a worse malignant narcissist than my ex, if that can be believed. He had that intense predatory stare, which I took to mean sexual and romantic interest, but was really his way of sizing up me as his prey. Of course I found him irresistably attractive. Unfortunately Daniel was another cerebral who had very little interest in sex. After a huge show of ardent romance and all that goes with it, he started the abuse, which included insulting me and comparing me (unfavorably) with his past lovers and what he saw as an “ideal woman.” He said he wanted babies with me but constantly criticized my parenting skills (as if he could know, since he never met my kids). He raged a lot although he never actually became physically abusive. He sulked and gave me the silent treatment when I didn’t do things his way or wanted to spend time with my family. He was stingy and although he had a lot more money than I did, he always made me pay my own way on dates. He obsessed about money. He would buy me things and constantly remind me how much those things cost him. He also would give me gifts and then ask for them back later, telling me he was only letting me “borrow” them. I am serious about this. After I ended our relationship (due to guilt at least as much as his abusive treatment), he still continued to call me constantly “as a friend.” After several of these phone calls, I finally worked up the guts to tell him to bug off and blocked his number.

ucallthislove

I have not had one lover or husband who was a just a nice regular guy. There have been a few of these men who seemed interested in me, but I always found them boring and rejected their attentions because I didn’t feel any “chemistry” with them.

I think it’s time to change all this. I want to start dating again soon. I know what red flags to look out for now so I think I can avoid the narcs, but can I fall in love with a normal man who will treat me well?

32 thoughts on “All my narcissistic lovers.”

  2. I think its wonderful that you are thinking of dating again. It is a painful and yet rewarding experience. To have love that we really all do crave. I’ll be writing about that soon, it is my most favorite topics, I was worried about boring my readers, talking about it so much, but you have inspired me to write about it again. I had a marriage of convenience, he helped me escape mother, then we grew to passion. That’s why I’m the ultimate authority on it, just kidding, but not really kidding. lol

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    • I worry that I’m too old though. 😦 I know that shouldn’t really stop me, I don’t look anywhere near my age and most people think I’m attractive. But! Due to my APD (avoidant PD) and Aspergers I am painfully shy and socially awkward…
      I don’t want to die single though.
      I’m looking forward to reading your article. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • My best-friend-husband and I met when we were both in our 50s. We’ve been together going on 12 years now. Although our relationship hasn’t been perfect, these 12 years have been the very best years of my life, by far.

        My widowed aunt is in her 70s. She called me recently and told me that she was traveling with her new boyfriend. “Only he isn’t a boy, he’s my age, and he is much more than just a firend,” she said. They met on an online dating site. I think she said the site she used was eHarmony. She dated several different men over the course of several months before she met this guy. Now she says she is “in love.” She sounds like a giddy teenager.

        It’s normal to feel scared and unsure of yourself, especially after what you’ve been through in your past relationships. But you are so much wiser now than you were back then! You aren’t in any danger of repeating the past because you are a very different person today.

        I know this is true, because I see a lot of myself in the things you write. My romance resume is even worse than yours. Really, embarrassingly worse. But when I finally wised up and began to figure out myself and my crazy life, the way you are doing now… that was when I finally found the right relationship. It happened when I was ready. Not a minute too soon and not a minute too late. I had to be ready.

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          • I am so glad that what I shared gave you hope, BHP. Just yesterday my husband and I were talking about how vitally important it is to have hope in life. Without hope, life seems miserable and pointless. But with hope, the sky is the limit – regardless of your present circumstance.

            Thirty-six was a hard year for me. Well, to be honest, I’ve had a lot of hard years, due to multiple traumas and PTSD. But 36 was especially tough for a lot of reasons. I spent most of that year between relationships, feeling very lonely, unloved, and thinking I was unlovable. Like you, I was afraid that it was too late. I thought I was too old (or soon would be) and that I would never find love. Yes, I remember feeling old at 36.

            Now I’m in my early 60s and I know how very young 36 really is. But when I was there, single and heartbroken, it was awful.

            Hang in there. The best is yet to be – as long as you don’t give up hope. ❤

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            • Oh… wow. This is another weird coincidence, Lucky. Yesterday I was struggling so hard trying to write my memoir… and the thought came to me that maybe part of my problem is that I have picked the wrong title for my book. I’ve been calling it GOING CRAZY, from Horror to Healing. I even have the book cover with that title already designed and ready to go. But the problem is that I’m not 100% completely healed from my PTSD. Yes, I have come a very long way from where I was when I was in my most broken, “crazy” condition. But I am still on a healing journey, and I expect that I will be for the rest of my life. In other words, I am so NOT the poster person for I-Once-Was-Crazy-And-Now-I’m-Sane, you know what I mean? 😀

              Above all, I want my story to be honest and real. As I was thinking about all of this yesterday, I thought: “Maybe I should title my book GOING CRAZY, from Horror to Hope…” Then my husband and I talked about that idea, about how important hope is, and then I made a new design for my book cover using the word “Hope” instead of “Healing”. Just so I could try it out and see how it looks. So then, immediately after I finished and saved my new design, I logged online and found this comment thread that is all about… HOPE!

              Liked by 1 person

            • I’m going to email you a copy of my new cover design. Tell me what you think. Criticism is welcome. And then… good night… it is past my bedtime here. Do you ever sleep? XOXO

              Liked by 1 person

            • Actually I was so exhausted when i came home from work I went to take a nap (it was about 5 pm) and didn’t wake up until 12:30 am! Totally missed dinner. So I’m making up for lost time now.
              Looking forward to your email

              Liked by 1 person

      • I think if you just embrace all of the APD and Aspergers, as well as all of your attributes, it will be fine. Its just too easy to hate certain things about ourselves.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m slowly learning to accept these traits as I’m learning so much more about my disorders. Some of them can be controlled, some cannot. Those that cannot — mostly my Aspieness–I’m actually learning to love in some ways. Aspergers isn’t all bad, but PD’s of any stripe kind of suck.

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  3. Awesome! You deserve to be happy.

    Here’s the key, “There have been a few of these men who seemed interested in me, but I always found them boring and rejected their attentions because I didn’t feel any “chemistry” with them. ” That chemistry thing, I call it a psychic bond. It’s almost spooky, but if you have been trained for narcissism, they will find you. There’s an old joke, “when your eyes meet across a crowded room, run like heck.” 😉

    The solution is to rewire your attraction cues. You can control your own chemistry. One thing that can help is to try and figure out what you got out of these relationships. We all do that, we are drawn towards something in them, even when they are bad relationships and not our fault.

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  4. Very interesting post 😉
    Think good about what you have to offer a new man and what kind of man you would like to attract before you start new dating.
    Do you have some specific demands to this man?
    Be very careful and take good care of yourself. Don’t accept any kind of abuse again.
    Good luck 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I dated a nice, regular guy once, and broke up with him after a year because I was “tired of him.” Boy, if I could hit undo, I sure would!

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    • I would too. Although if I hadn’t married my narc, I wouldn’t have my 2 wonderful kids who I love with all my heart. I would have some other kids instead though, and wouldn’t miss what I never had.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. LOL, you might be amused to know that husband (who first played at CBGB’s in 1978 when he was 13) & I looked at the photo of Mark S. and read the description of his behavior and attitude towards you, and we think HE seems very pedestrian and affected! Thought you might get a kick out of that one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • LOL, that photo is a stock photo of a random guy! I don’t even have any photos of “Mark” and he looks terrible today from the pictures I have seen of him. But thanks 🙂
      That’s cool about your husband playing at CBGBs. I used to go there a lot back in the day. 1978- 1979 was about the time too. Good times.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you for your article! I feel less alone on the terrible path of cumulating narcissic vampires… I meet them at work, in romantic relationships and even in friendship. Now I’m getting scared to get involved in a relationship or a job (seriously), fearing the abuse again. With blogs like yours I feel a bit of support and see we can cope and grow out of that 🙂 so thank you that ❤

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    • You’re welcome and I’m glad you found this blog 🙂
      It is scary, thinking about dating again. Even though I know the red flags now i’m still so afraid of getting involved with another narc. They really suck away your soul, don’t they?

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