My character flaws.

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not_there_yet

Just because I write a blog that sometimes gives advice to others about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and other mental disorders such as Aspergers, doesn’t mean I don’t still have a long way to go in recovery myself.

Blogging and prayer have helped immensely in raising my self esteem and general outlook on life, but it’s important to stay humble too. I’m not anyone’s “guru” even though I may have good ideas from time to time. So lest anyone think I’m tooting my own horn or purporting to be some kind of expert, here’s a list of my character flaws that sometimes get in the way of recovery.

Aspergers/Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) Flaws:

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1. Shyness in social situations that comes off to some as aloofness, coldness or sometimes stupidity (when combined with my Aspie tendency to be “out of it” sometimes).

2. Awkwardness in social situations — doing or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time; occasional social gaffes that make me look obtuse or clueless.

3. Obsessiveness.

4. Narrow focus on one or two interests at a time. I dislike interruptions from the real world that interrupt my focus and force me to engage with the world.

5. Sometimes instead of not talking at all, I talk too much.

6. I avoid people. I prefer being alone (or with my pets) to being with other people.

7. I am a creature of habit and dislike interruptions from my routines.

8. I don’t like “surprises” or things being sprung on me at the last minute, where I don’t have a chance to prepare for them.

9. I get freaked out and overwhelmed by too much input from the world at one time. I can’t stand chaos, loud people, too much going on at once, or too many people around me outside of formal settings like a classroom or meeting. When I feel like too much is coming at me at once, I shut down and tune out–or get annoyed and angry.

10. Tendency to like to put everything in categories, or as some like to say, in “little boxes.” This leads to a tendency to label people and like labels.

11. General weirdness. This is probably a good thing.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)/ PTSD Flaws:

all-or-nothing

These have been getting a lot better and I have learned some valuable tools in dealing with the symptoms in myself that have become second nature now, but it’s hard to be cured of this disorder and I still have some Borderline traits:

1. Tendency to either idealize or devalue people.

2. Hypersensitivity to criticism, jokes at my expense, or rejection.

3. Snap judgments about people before I truly get to know them.

4. Black and white thinking. Things and people are either all good or all bad.

5. Insecurity and worry about being liked (even though I avoid people). Try to figure that one out.

6. When angry, I can sometimes get so enraged I lose common sense and just want to do something to even the score without thinking about the consequences. Healthy fearfulness goes out the window and I act out in anger. Fortunately this happens a LOT less often than it used to; actually it’s pretty rare these days.

7. Rapid mood swings. This goes hand in hand with being bipolar too (that’s in remission). This too has been getting a lot better.

8. Paranoia and hypervigilance. I have a hard time trusting anyone.

9. Envy.

10. Excessive worry. Someone once told me, it’s useless to worry about things because if the bad thing does happen, then you’ve experienced it twice, and if it doesn’t happen, you’ve wasted energy on worrying. Wise words.

11. Fear of taking risks. This too has been getting a lot better, but in the offline world, I still have a long way to go.

15. Defensiveness.

16. Excessive guilt and shame. Easily embarrassed.

Other flaws.

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1. Smoking. (I’ve cut down to less than a pack a day though)

2. A diet that doesn’t include enough fresh fruits and veggies.

3. Laziness.

4. Procrastination.

5. Self-sabotage (this has gotten a lot better).

6. Excessive worry about my adult kids. Overprotectiveness.

7. Beating myself up.

8. Beating myself up for having character flaws.

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All in all I’m far from perfect, but I think my flaws probably make me more interesting too.

17 thoughts on “My character flaws.”

  2. You have very good insight in both the Asperger and BPD, which is great when you try to become a better you.
    The most difficult to change is the Asperger, because that one people mostly are born with. You can learn to get a more positive view at the world as an Aspie, if you really wish to.
    The BPD comes often after abuse of some kinds. This one is possible to learn to control maybe by therapy, if needed.
    I do have insight in both, why I comment here.
    I think that you are doing well and on the right path for your own healing 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m worried. I think certain people have suggested that I may be a narcissist. Not here though. Now I’m really worried I might really be one. I always worried about it anyway.
      If I am (now I feel like I should get a diagnosis) I will be devastated but I also promise to be honest about it and blog about that too. I really don’t want to have those traits, but how can someone with NPD also feel empathy and so much guilt all the time? So I don’t think I really am one. I hope not.

      Liked by 2 people

      • People with NPD don’t feel empathy, you do also know that. So no, I don’t think you need that label.
        I think that your Aspie are teasing you now. No more diagnoses, you need to work to get rid of the BPD instead. Wish you the best and I do know it is not easy. I work with that one too, but not impossible 😉

        Liked by 2 people

        • It’s someone I really respect a lot and isn’t a bully or a narcissist who might have suggested it so I don’t think I am being played with. I could be being paranoid too, but I really don’t think I am.
          I can’t afford a psychiatric dx but I’m about to take one of those online PD tests (which I know aren’t really that great) and see how it comes out. Frankly, I am freaking out right now. It’s almots as bad as waiting for a cancer dx. But thank you. I’ll try not to fret about it too much but it’s hard. Finding out I have NPD would be one of my worst nightmares.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I do really understand your concern, but I don’t think that you have more of NPD than the rest of us. You do show both empathy and feelings, which is not possible for people with NPD. We do all have something as we wish to share with the world as bloggers, but that does not mean that we all are NPD. Blogging is just a great way to spread our knowledge. Right now I feel that the part of you, who suffer with Asperger is the worried one, who are talking now. If you ask your daughter what she thinks and she use to be honest to you, you will get a much more qualified answer than anyone else, also doctors, can give you.

            Liked by 2 people

            • We are here to support each other and sometimes a peptalk can help 🙂
              Try to remember when someone tell you anything or you tell another something, that we are only responsible for what we say but not how the other are listening. Maybe you just have a sensitive day and take all more deeply today. Try to feel how it feels tomorrow, if you sit and think about your talking or writing, maybe you feel different tomorrow and better can see all with distance 😉

              Liked by 2 people

  3. Even after years of no contact I can still hear my mother teasing me in public. That’s why I start to feel like I’m worth less than others. And all those social things are so hard for me. I need to be around people who are accepting and kind all the time. Just last week I was at my quilting class and a woman was teasing me about not bringing my lunch. But I was meeting my husband for lunch, and I couldn’t seem to say it. All I felt was teased.

    It must be hard to have to go to work everyday and feel this way all the time. So please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are dealing with a lot. The people who should have loved us didn’t and we can’t take the blame for it.

    Liked by 3 people

      • I was told once, “Welcome” to the club. lol. Its ok.

        There are so many good things to focus on, and many more good things to come.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Nothing. I still need to keep working on them because they are keeping me from being as effective a person in life as I could be and hold me back from God’s plan for my life, whatever that is.

      Liked by 2 people

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