Narcissists are so %$&# annoying.

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annoying_narcs

I can’t deny it anymore. My roommate, a woman I found on Craigslist back in September to share my house with me and help pay the bills, is another G.D. narcissist. She is one of he most annoying people I’ve ever known, outside my ex who was probably a little more so.

At first she seemed very nice. She gave a good impression. She has some health issues, including near-deafness, so she receives disability. She has one cat who gets along well with mine. She seemed almost too helpful and accommodating in the beginning. She actually wanted to pay me more than the rent I was asking, and kept offering to buy me things or do me favors I didn’t need or want.

She’s still paying her rent on time and hasn’t done anything really horrible, like set fires to the curtains or steal my things, so for now I’m allowing her to stay, until I figure out what else I can do to earn enough money to not have to share my home (which I would prefer), or find another roommate (who could be worse than she is, especially if I find them on Craiglist).

But she’s become almost intolerable to live with. Her personality repels me. I’m at the point where I just want to leave the room if she’s in it. Her voice and even looking at her annoys me.

That is precisely the way I felt about my ex husband before I kicked him out a year ago. I couldn’t stand the sight of him and his voice and everything he did was like nails on a chalkboard. Even the sound of his breathing bothered me. And listening to him eat made me want to puke.

I hated him and everything he did so much there were times I could completely understand how someone could be driven to kill. I never entertained that thought of course, but I could understand why some people could. I also realized I no longer even cared what happened to him. In fact, I kind of wanted him to die, if truth be told. I feel like I’m a horrible person for ever feeling that way, but it’s the truth.

It’s a bad sign when you’re having these kinds of ugly thoughts and feelings about someone you’re living with. The thing about narcs is they turn you just as mean as they are eventually. During the last months I lived with my ex, I was downright nasty to him. It wasn’t right, but it felt like some sort of justice before I worked up the courage to make him leave.

My roommate has gradually shed the “nice” act–that was just the love bombing phase. I knew there was something a little fishy about her over the top displays of affection and insistence on doing things for me I didn’t need or want. I should have paid attention to those red flags.

After awhile, she started guilt tripping me if I didn’t profusely thank her for these unasked-for favors. For instance she liked to clean the house, which I appreciated, since she doesn’t work and really doesn’t do anything all day. I’m too tired when I get home to clean anything and just want to write. I certainly wasn’t going to tell her not to do it (and she probably would have been insulted if I had).

gaslighting_poster

She’s very needy and entitled. She accused me of not being appreciative enough: “I spent all day cleaning the house FOR YOU (emphasis mine) even with my bad back. I didn’t have to do this FOR YOU, all I want is a little gratitude.” I’d already THANKED HER about ten times, for the love of God. Every time she does me a favor, no matter how small, or buys me something (which I don’t ask for), she gets all angry and butthurt if I don’t act like she’s Jesus Christ Incarnate for doing it. She keeps repeating herself over and over, announcing all the wonderful and kind things she does, to make sure you notice how perfect and wonderful she is.

Lately she’s been attempting to triangulate and gaslight using my daughter. But my daughter tells me everything, has read this blog (and knows a lot about narcissists now) and she told me what my roommate has been saying to her. The games aren’t working, and my roommmate’s getting mad. My daughter even told me she thought we were dealing with a narcissist. I was proud of her for that.

Two weeks ago my roommate’s car broke down. A couple weeks before that, she had allowed me to drive her car for two days while my transmission was being rebuilt. That was because she was too tired and sick to drive me to work (I never asked to borrow her car, although I preferred that to having to ride with her). Now she’s acting pissy and hateful because I won’t drive her all over town, even at night (I don’t see well on the road at night). A few days ago, she actually had the gall to suggest I call in late to work so I could take her to the doctor. I refused to do it. I don’t let narcs push me around anymore. I told her about the bus lines, but of course she made excuses why she couldn’t take a bus.

She is getting more hateful, telling my daughter how selfish I am. It’s almost funny, how obvious it is that she’s projecting her own narcissism on to me. It really creeps me out that my ex behaved THIS EXACT SAME WAY and said THE VERY SAME THING. She’s gaslighting me and attempting to use my daughter as a flying monkey. It’s really incredible. It’s like they all read from the same script. They probably do.

She whines nonstop about how generous and kind she was to me when she let me drive her car for two days (when she herself didn’t want to drive me), implying that I never do anything for HER.

She’s extremely nosy and butts into conversations I am having with my daughter or other people, as well as asking me constantly what I’m doing online. Like it’s any of her business. She needs constant attention and validation.

narcs_everywhere

If I buy takeout for myself and my daughter, my narc roommate gets upset that we didn’t get anything for HER. She’s 52 years old, but she acts like she’s 3. She also whines constantly that no one likes her here, and we aren’t nice to her, which is a total lie. But it’s becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I no longer like this woman, and neither does my daughter.

Last night we finally got into it. She said I wasn’t a nice person. I reminded her that I have only been as nice to her as she’s been to me, and furthermore that she ought to not act so entitled because I was giving her a really good deal with the very cheap rent I am charging. I challenged her to try and find something as cheap as the room I rent to her somewhere else. Asheville and Buncombe County in general is expensive. I guarantee she won’t be able to find as sweet a deal.

She started crying because she thought I was kicking her out. Complete with rubbing her eyes with her fists like a three year old who dropped her lollipop. I tried to be nice and not roll my eyes or sigh in frustration. (It’s getting harder to be nice.) I assured her I was not kicking her out but just letting her know how I felt–how entitled I think she acts, and that her gaslighting, triangulating, projecting, whining, wheedling self pity, negativity, nosiness, and absolute absence of any respect for anyone’s boundaries was annoying and crazymaking.

She makes fun of things I like. She puts down my interests (she has never seen this blog, as far as I know and probably wouldn’t read it, even as nosy as she is). I told her one time I was going out to buy orange juice and for some odd reason she found this extremely funny, and to this day keeps making jokes about my “obsession” with orange juice. It’s not funny. It’s damned annoying. I can’t explain it, but it’s that nails on a chalkboard thing, like the way I felt about my ex’s breathing and eating sounds.

living_with_u

I know this can’t turn out good. I know at some point I will have to ask her to leave, but right now I really need the money and don’t feel like taking out another damn ad in the paper. I’ve had worse roommates than her in the past–at least she pays her rent on time and doesn’t do hard drugs (as far as I know).

I know it must be difficult for her to be disabled and have a car that isn’t running (she can’t afford to have it fixed) and be pretty much housebound. That would drive me crazy too. So I can understand a little grumpiness or depression.

But what I’m seeing isn’t just a bored and stir crazy person taking out their frustrations and anger on me. What I’m seeing is pure, unadulterated, 100% genuine, 200 proof NARC.

This post is intended to open a discussion about narcissists and narcissistic roommates, etc. I don’t want or need advice to get rid of her. I already know that. I’m willing to wait things out for awhile because the extra income is worth it–for the moment.

If I ever feel like she’s starting to have a negative effect on my growth or my healing, then she’s out. If she starts finding reasons not to pay her rent, she’s out. For now, she’s just incredibly annoying. Narcs can irritate the living shit out of you.
But I can live with that, at least for now.

Why do they always find me? They’re only 1% of the population, but it seems like they’re everywhere.

42 thoughts on “Narcissists are so %$&# annoying.”

  1. Oh I think they are more than 1 percent of the population. I feel for you, she reminds me of my ex husband too. He used my nail files to sharpen pencils, he used my eye brow tweezers to pick his nose. And laughed, and made me feel that I didn’t deserve these things anyway. That was just to remind me he had total control. He messed with my mind, made everything my fault. If we had take out food, it was the most expensive on the menu, and made sure we couldn’t afford take out food much, if ever. He wanted lobster, but we could only afford burgers, too bad, no take out food then. Somehow, we always had car problems, I don’t know if I can blame this on him, but I think I can anyway. When his brother in law, his sisters husband grabbed my butt he laughed and thought it was funny.

    So please be careful. The mindscrewing alone, just keep it in mind. I hope you can get out of this quickly. But no advice here 🙂 I wouldn’t know what advice to give anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, I know this can’t go on for long. What you described sounds like my ex too–and we ALWAYS had car problems! They turn everything to shit. They do annoying things and then do them more because they KNOW they annoy you. They know where your buttons are and won’t hesitate to press them.

      I should have seen the red flags when he made me buy my own engagement ring and put it on my credit card because his cards were all maxed out. He totally ruined my credit doing shit like this.

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    • Ok, so you’ve got yet another blood sucking monster in your midst. They are absolutely crazy making aren’t they? You know how this story is going to end, how it HAS to end, maybe instead of watching (living) each episode you should fast forward to the end and boot the bitch.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yeah I know. I do seem to attract them like flies to honey. I’m not afraid of making her leave but I have to find other arrangements first. and that will take some time. I cannot survive on just my income alone and don’t even get me started on my family.

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        • Other arrangements. Yeah, I’m in that scenario as we speak. It’s my house, why does it seem he has all the say/control of things? AND I walk on eggshells. Well damn! It’s MY house!!! How does this sort of thing happen? Right? We know better, yet it happened again! Ugh…I get so mad at myself sometimes. Like being addicted to a puss infected crack pipe. And if money wasn’t an issue, then the situation would exist. F**king money! Ultimately though I’ll trade sanity and peaceful existence over money. Either that or my monster roommate is just going to drive me to crawl into a bottle of whatever alcohol I can get my hands on and stay numb to it all until he vaporizes in his own angry insecurities. Frikken monsters. Aliens. All of ’em. Man or woman. They aren’t human.

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          • “F*cking money.” I agree. The need for money to live sucks, especially if you’re poor as dirt and are forced to do things like live with someone you can’t stand because you need the money. Try living on what I have been earning lately. Its not possible. I already tried and almost went insane from the stress, which at this point would be worse than the stress of putting up with this annoying woman.
            If she gets any worse, that cost-benefit analysis could turn on its head quick.

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            • I get that. I really do. I quit my job that was paying me pennies because I just couldn’t handle abuse there and then abuse at home. I said screw the bills, screw it. I can’t do this anymore. Although that decision alone presents a lot of stress. However, that stress…the bills? Is a lot less than how do I deal with a maniac mean boss then come home to a narcissistic monster. Now all I have to deal with, confront, handle is the anxiety ball that forms when I know the monster is getting off work and eventually coming home. All in all it’s easier. Manageable. To have to handle only one nasty person rather than two. Am I impacted? Definitely! Did these two people mess me up? Absolutely! The depths of the damage I am still assessing. Do I feel regret for getting rid of one monster? Not for one nano second. Money is only one aspect/hurtle/burden/issue in our life. That’s just a “thing” to me. Just a thing. But when we’re around a thing masquerading as a human and they are steadily, methodically destroying us, that becomes the biggest issue. At least to me it is. Mostly. That cost-benefit analysis..I’m in that spot right now. My monster versus what can I manage on my own financially since I quit my job to rid myself from yet another controlling monster. I daydream of an island with no one anywhere. I have books, internet so I can interact with people behind my safe computer screen and no one to falsely judge me or criticize, or give an uninformed judgment against me for my actions with this monster who they know is a “good, nice, reliable, easy going guy”.

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          • Rose Chimera, I would’ve prioritized getting rid of the ‘roommate’ first, before the awful boss! Nothing is worth being mistreated, but especially in your own home. Taking care of that first and foremost might empower you to find a better job, settling for nothing less than working for someone who respects you. Perhaps you can find a new and better job asap so as to get yourself out of such financial vulnerability? Just my two cents. Good luck!!

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  2. I had a narcissistic roommate years ago. I remember I had lobster leftovers in the refrigerator. I came home one night and opened my bedroom door to find her in my bright red nightgown with brand new tags on it. She had her hair tied up and a cigarette in her hands She said, “I hope you don’t mind that I ate your lobster..and slipped into your brand new nightgown”.

    I was extremely disgusted by her. .

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      • Yes…I was thinking of single white female. She was a creeper. She even snuck long distance phone calls in the middle of the night.I did make her leave. But I did get hit with a huge phone bill. Narcissists sure do think they have entitlement to do the darndest things.

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        • I need to see that movie again. It haunted me for a long time.
          In your opinion, Mary, was the creeper (I forgot the actress or her name in the movie) a psychopath or “just” a malignant narcissist? Whatever she was she was creepy as hell.

          Narcs act entitled and they have absolutely no reason to deserve the ridiculous things they want everyone to do for them. They are parasites.

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          • I think she was a Malignant Narcissistic. Maybe somewhat a Psychopath. She would try to take advantage of anyone she could. She abandoned her children and her husband to try to dig gold from wealthy men. But she didn’t go far. Her looks faded and she was a heavy drinker. I don’t know what happened to her. I knew her for around 6 months. She blew in and out of New Jersey quickly and left a trail of angry men and landlords behind her. I recall that she dated this multi-millionaire from this wealthy town called Bernardsville. They were happy together at first. But then she complained because he’d go to bed a 9 o’clock. She kept saying that she was bored. Then one day her threw her out. She told us he called the police on her and had her removed from his mansion. I thought… Damn!!…She blew it!!! She blows it everywhere she goes. Lol

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            • Definitely malignant and probably a psychopath. There are some MNs who are just utterly evil and seem to exist to make life miserable for everyone who comes into contact with them.

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            • Oh…and I forgot to mention about the way she dances. My friend Kathleen and I went out dancing at a place called Wurlitzer’s. We were quite embarrassed by Jill’s dancing. Jill dances much like a poll dancer. It was really strange and not appropriate for a 50s club. Anyway…maybe she had Borderline Personality Disorder. She was definitely nuts…

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        • I agree! It might be the worse thing about them…but then again as I go through the list of their horrible mindset then I have to say, all of it is bad. Just bad. Evil. Ugly. Unhealthy. Monstrous. The invasion of boundaries though that’s deliberate I think. They do that to put you off kilter and then you are just flummoxed and can’t even think straight. That’s when they strike! So yes I think it’s another part of the list of behaviors that would describe a NARC.

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          • My daughter and I nailed it. 🙂 I’m so glad we are educated about them now.

            I agree about they use the invasion of boundaries to confuse and disorient you.

            At least this time I know exactly how they operate and can identify exactly what she’s trying to do–and I’m calling her out on those behaviors or mirroring them right back at her. She does not scare me. She just annoys the living crap out of me.

            I’m not afraid to confront these POS losers anymore. Most of them are toothless when you counterattack or use their narc games against them. I can do that now.

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            • My monster scare me so much as causes levels of anxiety. The never knowing how they are going to react thing bugs me to no end. I mirror the behavior back and find great enjoyment at how much monsterman doesn’t like it! Ah!

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  3. We dealt with a housemate similar…taking on the cleaning then carrying on how no one appreciated her, saying no one else pitched in but criticizing everything anyone else did because it wasn’t done HER way. This came to micromanagerial things like how I stacked dishes in the drying rack as opposed to how SHE would do it…demanded payment for her “cleaning services” though she wasn’t a hired cleaning woman…I don’t know if this was narcissism, but it was definitely weird and annoying! I’m just as content sharing household duties with the others. Last night I made a fantastic pot of communal chili…and cleaned the pot exactly as I damn well pleased after! 🙂

    As for this one I’d suggest you encourage her to find a deal elsewhere as sweet as yours…as soon as possible.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow. she sounds like a narc to me. Some of them play up the “I’m such a saint” role. That’s the mask they wear. My ex’s MN mother did that.
      My roommate wants some sort of payment for her cleaning services too. Like total adoration as if she just handed me a million dollars.

      Congratulations on the chili and getting to clean the pot your own way! 😀

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      • Well… it was interesting. She was born and raised in Brooklyn so her attitude and perspective on life is very different from mine, as I grew up in a small midwestern town. She is loud and I am mostly quiet, she is opinionated and loves to argue politics, and I vote but other than that I don’t much care about political issues. It’s enough of a challenge for me just trying to manage my own life, I can’t possibly figure out how the country or the whole world should be managed. She is ten years older than me, and she is six years older than my husband, so right from the beginning she thought she should be the boss… in OUR home. And that was a problem.

        Still, I actually got along pretty well with her, all things considered. I grew to like her and she liked me, too. I did not allow her to be boss, but because I hate confrontation, I asserted myself quietly for the most part. If she had been an N, that would not have worked, but she isn’t, so it did work. Here’s an example: her first full day in our house, she goes into the living room and turns on the TV, very loud because she was hard of hearing, and she announced to my husband and me that she is NOT going to miss any of her favorite programs, she doesn’t care what we want to do. So I went to Kmart and bought a TV for her bedroom and told her she could watch her programs in there, but not in the living room, unless we were watching the same thing. We would also control the volume on our living room TV. She seemed to apreciate that.

        The problems we had with her living with us for so long were more due to ancient history issues between my husband and her, than anything else. My husband especially hated the fact that she wanted to talk talk talk talk talk all the time about political things. He also hated that she was so negative about everything. Her favorite pasttime is complaining and griping about everything and everyone. OH it was exhausting just listening to her, when she got on a roll like that!

        I was lucky, I got to go to work every day and get away from it, but my husband was home on disability and could not get away. One day when I was not scheduled to work, my husband and his sister got into a yelling match about something, I don’t even remember what. She kept looking over at me like she thought I ought to take her side, but I didn’t want either side, thank you very much, it was my day off from work and I was tired and not in the mood to fight, so I just kept reading. Later that day my husband and I went out to do some shopping and when we came back we found that she had packed her things and moved out. My husband was very sad and I was, too. That was back in 2006. Going on 9 years ago. We haven’t heard anything from her in all this time.

        I still miss her, although I would much rather have her living next door than in our house! My husband tried to find her and learned that she had gone back to New York. He talked about trying to contact her but he never did. They are stubborn, my husband and his sister. I doubt if they will ever speak to each other again.

        As for me, I am still staying out of it.

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        • I have to admit though that I did get mad and tell her off once, about three weeks before she had the big blow up with my husband. I thought at the time that she had it coming… but don’t we always think that, when we get mad and tell someone off?

          But even so, because it is my nature to avoid confrontation, I don’t believe I would have been so angry if.. something very sad.. my baby grandson hadn’t died shortly before that. I am able to handle the tough stuff in life pretty well for the most part, but when someone I love dies, I don’t do so well. My grandson dying in 2006 knocked me for a loop, and then when my very precious younger cousin drowned in 2011, the day after our last hour long phone conversation… oh my God. She was my only blood relative living in this state, the same age as my adult children, she was an RN, and it wasn’t her time to die and OH I still miss her every day, all the time. And I had anger issues during the first couple of months after her death, too, the same as I did when my grandson died. I hope I don’t get all pissy now since our precious Cattle Dog died day before yesterday. Right now i am still mostly numb. I love her and miss her so.

          Grr. I really hate when grief turns me into a Bitch. So far I’m not doing that this time.

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          • Alaina, I’m so sorry about your grandson. I can’t even imagine. What dd he die of if you don’t mind me asking.
            That also really sucks the way your cousin died.
            I’ve been lucky so far that no one close to me (outside of various pets) has died. When my grandparents died I wsan’t that upset because my parents never were close to them and they lived far away.
            I think anger is a normal part of grieving. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

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        • Wow, she sounds like a character all right. It’s easy to forget that not all difficult people are all narcs. Sometimes it’s just a personality clash or trying to live with someone in close quarters. It’s hard to share a home with someone even if you get along swimmingly otherwise. You’re probably wise to stay out of the drama, but I hope your husband gets to see her again sometime.

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  5. Dear Joan S, yeah, have noticed how these narc-oids won’t trouble themselves with the mundane issues of general maintenance. It’s either too cold, too hot, too windy… yeah, it’s always too something; guess the Lord’s very weather is supposed to bow to these petty-pharohs’ agendas. When the ongoing neglect finally causes the car, furnace, roof, whatever… to take a dump, well, it must be that someone must have broken in somehow and messed with it. Yeah, always someone else’s fault! The older i get, the more i am repelled by their glaringly reprobate behavior. (‘am not judging their eternal souls, just their pathetically destructive behavior.)

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    • Sue,
      They’re incredibly oblivious to the consequences of their own actions and always find a way to blame others or their circumstances (which they have usually brought upon themselves) . It’s like a kind of blindness really.

      BTW, for some reason your comments wind up in my spam folder. I have no idea why because you provided no links (which will usually send a post to spam if it;’s more than 2 or 3)

      That’s why I won’t let my spam blocker automatically delete my spam, even though there’s usually a lot of it and weeding through it every day is very tedious.

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    • It surely is always someone else’s fault. That’s why they described as being at the emotional level of a three year old.

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  6. “The thing about narcs is they turn you just as mean as they are eventually.”
    Dear LuckyOtter, got that right! The absolute worst thing about those putrid excuses-for-humanity is how they purposely damage the souls of people around them.

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  7. I cannot bear a Narcissist. They’re so hard to ANYTHING with! Oh it’s the most infuriating thing anyone reasonable can encounter. Oh yes. I love this post. Terribly sorry for your suffering. Of course, you know whatever happens, you’ll be to blame!
    Are they really only 1% of the population? Seems low to me!

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  9. HEYYYYYYYY THERE!

    I’m so annoyed right now; I’m currently healing from allowing a narcissist in my bubble for far too long.
    This boy was so annoying, conceited, overweight, entitled, he had no concept of boundaries, everything and everyone was his if he wanted it.
    I’m so upset I kept him in my life for so long, I thought he was a friend that the God I serve wanted me to stand by to help overcome some issues. This is not the case. Things like being overweight don’t bother me, but it’s clear he overcompensates for being overweight so in that case in my evaluation of him I reflect and just think to myself……dude, you’re overweight, sit down!
    I cannot believe how many passes he made to me romantically. I let it go when he sat too close,I let it go when he kissed me on the cheek, I let it go when he would oversexualize me in conversation. And to think, my significant other told me he did the same thing to an ex-girlfriend of his! Enough is enough!
    I was trying to redeem you, thinking you’d grown up after all this time and you proved to be the same insecure fat 26 year old you were at 22 when you spit all over the so-called brotherhood you had with my love.
    GRRRR! I’m so upset!
    I’m normally a pretty reasonable, no nonsense person. With this so-called “friend”, everything was my fault. I am okay with being wrong but geez; I’ve never had so many problems back to back for being myself AND I’ve never argued so much with a grown man. He act so much like a little girl. I had to kick him to the curb for my own sanity. And also because when I sat back, I realized my God was telling me the whole time to get outtttaaa there! 😭 I just felt so toxic. What kind of person forces themselves on a woman who is clear they are focused on someone else? Let alone the same person you’ve already done this to. What a dodo….no self respect

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    • Anyways.
      There’s an ebb and flow with me getting over this. I am not pleased with myself for putting myself in that kind of situation for so long. In a situation where I was used and abused for someone’s sad ego.
      And yes, I temporarily acquired his 3 year old way of temper tantrum. I feel like I have to reevaluate my whole life. How do they do that??! Thanks for this. It’s detoxifying. The boy exalted himself as a god; he wanted to be worshipped. People really need to get their egos in check!

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  10. Oh my god I feel you, girl. I have this “friend” who is exactly the same way. I cannot stand her. She thinks she’s such a good humble person, but she has tantrums like a three year old, is hopelessly unempathetic, manipulative, and is in constant need of attention.
    Also, she always repeats good things she does. Like she’s a suburban white girl, and she cannot shut up about how she’s taking an African Lit class. Like it’s normal to talk about your classes, but she talks about it every chance she gets (especially around poc). She never just calls it her Literature class. She practically does this with everything though.
    Then the most annoying shit she pulls is trying to be funnier than me. It’s a competition to her. If I am slightly better than her at ANYTHING she will throw a tantrum or try to show me she’s better. Basically, I am not the most humorous person in the world, but I make witty comments here and there. I suppose that bothers her because she wants to be funny, I guess. So if we’re ever having a conversation (which will be 100% about her) she will tell me ALL the jokes she made that day or in the past and always mention “and the teacher laughed SO hard” or “so and so laughed REALLY hard” and then expect me to laugh.
    I’m so sick of this narc like wtf. My friends have been telling me to ignore her, but she calls and texts me everyday. I don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, sometimes I think I’m the narcissistic one and she’s actually a genuine person.

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