My “friendship” with a famous narcissist is over.

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wtf_narc

Some of you may have noticed I’m posting less these days. Not long ago I was averaging 3-5 new posts a day; now it’s about 1-2. To most of you, that’s probably still considered a lot of posts, but for a blogging demon like me, it’s pathetic and makes me ashamed of my lack of motivation. I hold myself to higher standards than one post a day. Lack of motivation was a problem for me during my years living with a narc; that’s not supposed to be in the picture anymore.

There are two reasons for my lack of motivation, but really just one. The first one is not the real reason but the one I’ve been using as an excuse to not post as much: too much work stress.

That’s a lie because I’ve always had too much work stress. Nothing has really changed on that front. In fact, I’m coping with work stress better than I used to, so that’s not the real reason at all.

The real reason is stupid and embarrassing, and that’s why I haven’t talked about it. Because I’m afraid I’ll be judged harshly because of it.

But I did commit to complete honesty on this blog, and I think it’s become pretty clear that nothing I confess to on this blog will be used against me or will make people judge me harshly (which is one of my biggest fears).

I also think by admitting what my problem is, that in itself might be the remedy and get my blogging mojo back up again.

So here’s the real truth.
I lost what I foolishly thought was a friendship with a man who writes books and is quite famous within the narcissistic abuse community. That man himself is a self-professed narcissist and that in itself should have been a huge red flag. I will not say his name (because I don’t want to have to add it as a tag here), but I think almost all of you in the narcissistic abuse community will know exactly who I am talking about.

I am not going to go into great detail about what happened because there is no reason to. There was never anything other than what I thought was a nice, professional online friendship. However, in my fascination with this man’s unusual mind, I became obsessed to an unhealthy level and found myself being drawn further in, even though I was simultaneously repelled by his personality.

I was not immune to his abuse. No one is. Get too close, and he will abuse you. Just because he writes books and runs forums and makes videos for victims of narcissistic abuse doesn’t mean he isn’t a snake who will bite you if you get too close.

snakes

The man’s initial love bombing of this blog was followed by using it and me for narcissistic supply followed by devaluation and unfair (and untrue) accusations against me. I will not go into the ugly details; it’s not necessary. In a nutshell, I offended him in some way, and now I am “the enemy.” Ultimately he blocked me on most social media. He used me and threw me away when I was no longer of use to him. That’s what narcs do. Just because they’re famous writers who navel-gaze at their own narcissism doesn’t make them some sort of exceptions. A narc is a narc, end of story. They’re all the same.

He no longer comes to this blog, which is probably a good thing, but I won’t lie–it hurts me that he doesn’t. I miss his presence. As a matter of fact, his disappearance and blocking me sent me into a kind of depression. But that’s just part of the abuse cycle a narc uses. I feel so stupid for thinking he was going to continue to be nice to me. That he was some kind of exception just because he’s intellectually brilliant and writes material for people like us.

Ding, ding, ding! WRONG.

But there’s a nice benefit to me from his rejection too. I used to live in mortal terror of offending this overly sensitive man because I didn’t want to lose his “friendship.” I felt like I had to tippytoe around him and never say anything critical about him in order to avoid offending him. I wasn’t even allowed to make a joke at his expense, and once when I said “LOL” to a valued member of this community who made a rather innocuous joke about him, he overreacted and flew into a narcissistic rage directed at me. He blocked me for one day and then unblocked me and apologized, but at the same time lso demanded that I never allow my commenters to make jokes at his expense ever again. Whoa. After that I was very careful not to insult him and never “like” any comment that even implied a criticism.

Now I can call him on his bullshit, and that’s good because calling out the narcs on their crap is part of what this blog is for. Narcissists deserve to be called out.

Offending him was inevitable because he’s a narc, and guess what. I don’t care. In fact I’m glad I offended him and he stopped coming here. Because now I can write whatever I want about him and not be afraid of offending him because I’m already on his shit list apparently, and he doesn’t come here anymore anyway so he probably won’t even see it.

Even though he’s a raging, batshit crazy horse’s ass, to be fair, he helped me a lot in the beginning getting this blog the jump start it needed and maximum visibility. There were heady days in November and December where my blog stats shot through the roof due to something I wrote about him that got shared by him everywhere. That was good for my self esteem. He also taught me a lot of things about narcissism as well as how to promote my blog on my own. He gave me validation, maybe even a little narcissistic supply of my own (which satisfied my own inner narcissist–we all have one).

I don’t need his help anymore. I can do this on my own. But I can’t help wishing he was still around. It was kind of a huge rush that someone I admired so much and was so well known seemed to like or at least take so much interest in my little blog. His attention made me feel kind of special, if truth be told.

In addition, I wanted nothing more than to see this self professed narcissist get healed, because it seemed to me, a narcissist with that much insight and intelligence actually had hope. But I was wrong. He has no hope because he hangs onto his narcissism as a kind of trophy, but more than that, he hangs onto it as a way to keep punishing himself because he hates himself more than anyone I have ever known. He suffers but he loves his suffering. He believes he deserves it. He believes he deserves to be hated. He devalues those who reach out to him in friendship. He cannot get well because he has chosen to remain a narcissist because he thinks it’s all he deserves and it gives him some sort of twisted satisfaction (as well as being his claim to fame and source of income).

a_girl_once_told_me

So those heady days of fake “friendship” with a renowned narcissistic writer are gone. Whatever kind of friendship we had, if you can call an Internet relationship with a narcissist a friendship, is over.

He knows I no longer need his help. This blog is doing fine without him now. And he certainly wasn’t the only person who helped this blog get started anyway. But I can’t help feeling as if I did something wrong to make him cut me off. I don’t know what that thing was, because he’s not forthcoming and will probably never tell me what that thing was, if it was anything at all. He’s just another narcissist playing his narcissist games. Narcs don’t know the first thing about true friendship or even how to maintain a working professional relationship, which I stupidly thought we had.

I feel like I’ve been duped and taken for a fool, and that threw me off the roller coaster-like high I’d been riding on due to all his attention.

Okay, fine. Not only was my obsession becoming unhealthy, one day back in December, I was horrified to realize my intellectual Aspie obsession with a disordered man’s mind had developed into a massive infatuation. I was realistic about it though; I knew it was just a ridiculous crush. Not for one minute did I ever have any desire for it to materialize into anything but a pleasant mind diversion for myself alone.

For awhile that’s exactly what it remained. But some of my friends told me I had been taken in under his dangerous spell and to be very careful. They thought my obsession combined with the fact we were in direct communication was unhealthy and dangerous. I’m also afraid I might have driven off a few good friends due to my obsession. He’s not very well liked by some of my friends, and for good reason.

I understand I am not the first or the last person this man will have this kind of effect on. He’s charismatic and has a strange charm and many of us find his brilliant but disordered mind enthralling and exciting. These are exactly the same qualities cult leaders have over their followers and we all know how dangerous they can be.

narcissist_friends

The man’s works do have value though. He is a good writer and has a brilliant mind and if you keep your distance from him, his writings and videos can be valuable to us as ACONs and survivors of relationships with narcissists. Many people say his writings have changed their lives. I’m sure they are telling the truth. He gives good advice to abuse victims.

But that’s as far as it goes. I don’t agree with all his opinions and can understand the dislike some people have for his writings too. He’s pessimistic and dark and offers little to no hope for people suffering from NPD. His self hatred is so evident in his writings. He paints all narcissists as monsters because of his self hatred and that view has permeated the entire narcissistic abuse community, whether they like him or not.

While it’s good to think of narcissists as inhuman monsters when you’re trying to leave or disconnect from one, it’s actually a very toxic philosophy because this sort of negativity and pessimism demonizes a group of very sick people and gives them no hope, even those with insight who want to change, and they do exist. I’ve seen boards and blogs for narcissists who actually want to get well. Maybe they’re in the minority, but they’re out there–and they hate being stereotyped so negatively and offered nothing but hopelessness by a man who has turned his own malignant narcissism into a kind of performance art.

navel_gazing

I was foolish and got way too close due to my morbid curiosity about what made this tragically disordered man’s mind tick. Like others have been (and who had warned me in advance), I was drawn too far inside this man’s darkness. A wise person will not go up to a poisonous snake and start trying to pet it, because the snake will bite you. Stupidly, I allowed myself to get too close to the snake and got bit. Duh.

Just because he writes material for victims of narcissistic abuse and some of it can be of value to us, doesn’t mean he’s a nice person. He is not a nice person. He is a narcissist. That should be enough warning right there.

I’m trying to move on from this experience. I appreciate what he’s done for this blog. His help in the beginning was invaluable and I’ll always be grateful to him for that, as well as teaching me so much about the way the narcissistic mind operates. He was a great teacher to me, for as long as that was possible. I will still continue to read his written material, but only as one among many others.

There is a Buddhist proverb: “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” I believe he had a purpose to me, and his purpose has been fulfilled. But there will be other teachers. There already are other teachers–all of you who share your experiences with me on this blog. I value each one of you.

teachers

I have learned you will never be able to really understand the narcissistic mind. I tried, using his mind. The Poster Child of NPD. I tried to get as far inside his mind as it’s possible to go for someone who’s never actually met the person. I read voraciously, did my research, read interviews, heard stories from insiders who do know him, devoured his journals and poetry. I was so drawn to his disordered and undeniably fascinating mind, almost against my will. He had drawn me, as he has many others, under his powerful spell. But once I gained a kind of entry to his mind, it was like entering a hall of smoke and mirrors. I just kept getting more confused and disoriented and found that instead of my questions being answered, even more questions arose. Questions that led to more questions but never any real answers. That’s what happens if you are foolish enough to attempt to figure out what makes a narcissist tick. You will never figure it out but feel like you are losing your own mind in trying to do so.

I’ve been licking my wounds and feeling a little down because of what happened, and there you have it, folks. That’s the reason I haven’t been posting like a maniac. Please don’t judge me for that.

I love this blog and love my community of supporters and readers, and my TRUE FRIENDS. Soon I’ll have forgotten all about what happened. It won’t matter to me anymore. And I’ll be posting like a maniac again.

91 thoughts on “My “friendship” with a famous narcissist is over.”

  1. I think that when we one time have been drawn into a narcissist, it is possible again, even we can feel like this will never happen to me again. They are often very charismatic and good to attract other people’s attention. They tell you their sad story, you feel bad for them and get closer into their net.
    I think that you need to be happy, that it was him leaving your online friendship. That spared you for being stalked and what else they can imagine will hurt you, even it is always more easy to be the one choosing to leave a relation. In this case you stand better. Send you my best thoughts.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Good points. thank you. It is very easy to be drawn into their web over and over again, especially when you come across a “special” and “famous” one who makes you feel special yourself–because let’s face it, he doesn’t follow or comment on many other ACON blogs.

      Why he picked mine I’m not sure. Maybe because the first article I wrote about him (which wasn’t even very flattering) he really liked. Being flattered can be seductive and dangerous. It can make a sucker out of you and ultimately make you feel like an idiot for believing it. You want to make an exception in a case like his when the narcissist is renowned and actually understands this disorder. But that doesn’t mean anything really. The love bombing and initial attention never lasts.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Should I share this on Facebook? I want to. But I’m afraid of offending some of my other ACON friends there who are active in his groups and hang onto his every word like he’s God.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It was definitely a learning experience. Something that I learned from too. But it wasn’t personal towards you, nothing that a narc does is ever personal.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Oh Lucky otter! ((Hug)) Unlike your famous narcissist “friend” your online friends here don’t look down on you. They also understand the seductive draw of the narcissist and have plenty of grace for you. I am so proud of your bravery to be honest about this. You are awesome. Keep blogging. You don’t need him.

    Liked by 4 people

      • I’m sure it does! Caring for a narcissist really is like petting a snake, isn’t it? But if I’ll take that even further to say it’s like petting a snake with an injury. You are compelled to help it because even though you know it’s a snake the thought of any creature suffering brings about your compassion and spurns you to help. It is nearly a compulsion.

        Liked by 2 people

        • I’m nodding my head in agreement with what Quixotic Faith said: you are Brave, Honest, and Awesome. You are also very compassionate. That’s why we love you. ❤

          When a brilliant, charismatic, fascinatingly quirky narcissist shines his (or her) light on you, it can feel better than True Love, crazy gorilla sex, winning a mega-million-dollar lottery, and a big box of melt-in-your-mouth Belgium chocolates, all at once. With whipped cream and a cherry on top. 🙂

          Multiply that by at least 10 when the narc is world famous and WOW what a rush.

          When the N's lovebombing stops and the spotlight goes out…… Big Ouch.

          Wishing I could give you a hug. The pain is real and the pain really sucks. 😦

          Liked by 4 people

            • Thanks, Faith. I was trying for funny because I figure that Lucky O could use a laugh…or at least a smile… right now. Plus I know how it feels, because I’ve been there — not with a world famous Narc though, the last N I had a major addictive crush on was a master plumber, of all things. Plus he was also a gorilla, if you get my drfit. I literally moved almost 2,000 miles across the country just to get away from the gravitational pull of his orbit.

              Not quite a year later, I met the awesome non-narc who is now my best-friend-husband, so my geographical cure worked out for the best in the end. But first I had to get through the awful emotional pain of losing my plumber-gorilla-narcissist and that was really hard.

              Liked by 2 people

            • Plumber-gorilla-narcissist? Now that made me LOL! I actually really love real-life gorillas btw. I don’t exactly know what you mean by “gorilla” but I can imagine so no need to explain –ha! So glad you escaped! Good move 😊

              Liked by 2 people

        • It really is like petting a snake. You never know when they will strike–and they strike without warning. Yes, it’s like a snake with an injury–or even a dog with an injury–they will snap and bite at you because they are in pain and don’t know how to tell you or can’t tell you. Of course you feel compassion for a suffering animal even if it attacks. the viciousness of the attack indicates their level of pain.

          I think the more vicious and malignant a narcissist, the more pain they are in. They may not remember why, but they’re in pain. But you can’t help them so don’t go up to them because they will bite. If they really want your help they will ask you to help them find a therapist. Other than that, they’re on their own. Don’t go petting a narcissist (LOL that sounds so wrong!) or a snake.

          Liked by 3 people

    • Oh God, QF–this was so hard to write about. It was so scary to write. I was trying to not let on that he and I were in communication and had a falling out, because well…I just didn’t know what anyone would think. But I know a lot of people knew anyway, because it was kind of obvious. Why would I write about someone that much? Partly I wanted to write about him, but a big part of it was also trying to get view stat spikes, and it always, ALWAYS worked. Narcissistic supply for me? IDK. Kind of, I guess.

      Anyway, I actually wrote this post a few days ago and had it set to “private”–it took me awhile to work up the guts to post it in public. I’m still afraid to share it on social media, even though i should and want to.

      He is unbelievably seductive if you allow it. I invited it by walking right into his web. I was repelled too–and yet couldn’t stop moving farther into his trap. I wanted to run away–but I couldn’t. It was like something possessed me. I don’t want to get into metaphysics here or anything but maybe it was his charima and power–cult leaders and successful psychopaths have that same charm. You start doing things against your will. I was allowing him to dictate what I could and could not say on this blog when it concerned him. So yes, I was being controlled against my will. Not that the things I wrote were insincere-they never were–but if I was critical I was careful how I said it, and I could no longer allow negative comments about him. I’d have to delete them or not approve them. There were quite a few negative comments about him from people who wren’t following me and Icould not approve their comments. I feel bad about that because it makes a hypocrite out of me–when I said I would allow differing viewpoints in the comments because it makes more interesting discussions than if everyone agrees.
      I feel bad about that now and want to apologize to anyone who’s comment I did not approve due to my fear of Sam’s wrath.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Oh, I’m so sorry. I kind of had this horrible sinking feeling you were going to get really hurt by this guy. Not that a person would ever want their “failure” to be used as an example, but this experience I believe makes you even better equipped at helping sufferers of narcissistic abuse. Anything you can do to get this out in the open is probably better because evil likes to hide itself in the dark and work through shame and secrecy.

        Liked by 3 people

        • Oh come on now, it wasn’t THAT bad. I didn’t cry. I was more ANGRY than anything else. Also just feeling blah and a little depressed. Slept more than usual. Well, I guess that’s pretty bad. But it only lasted a couple of weeks.

          However, that being said, it does still smart and writing about it finally is so liberating and really helping me get over the hurt. I’m glad I took that post out of private.

          Thank you so much for your kind words! 🙂

          Liked by 3 people

          • You are welcome and I would never presume how bad it was except that I know when dealing with a narcissist I just know it’s going to be bad. 😜 may you catch up on sleep and blogging (not that you have to post 5x a day, but if you want to you totally should)!

            Liked by 2 people

            • SLeeping a lot repaired a lot of the exhaustion–mostly physical exhaustion from staying up all hours of the night feeding my obsession and reading everything I could find…and emotional exhaustion. It’s just like coming down from a high. You crash for awhile. Your body needs to repair itself.

              It would have gotten bad if it went on or if i didn’t have the ability to restrain myself. I was aware all the time how my obsession was taking over my mind and deliberately would do things to pull myself away–taking a walk a hot bubble bath, eating something, reading a novel whatever it took. So I knew how to control it enough to keep from becoming one of his hangers on/converts/worshippers. I was not about to allow that to happen. That’s just going from one abusive situation into a different kind…like divorcing a narc and then joining a cult

              Talking about this helps me so much, omg. ❤

              Liked by 1 person

            • You are making me feel so much less crazy about my experience with my maybe narcissist. Crashing…yes, that’s a good way to describe it. I’d imagine it would be like coming down from some sort of “upper” drug (amphetamine or similar). It probably chemically does similar things to the brain.

              Liked by 2 people

  6. Alaina–
    I ran out of nested reply space (I need to add more and think I will today ) so I’m replying down here and will put your part of the comments in bold.

    I’m nodding my head in agreement with what Quixotic Faith said: you are Brave, Honest, and Awesome. You are also very compassionate. That’s why we love you. ❤

    Aww. I love all of you too. You’re going to make me cry. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am for all the support you have given me. You guys are awesome too.

    When a brilliant, charismatic, fascinatingly quirky narcissist shines his (or her) light on you, it can feel better than True Love, crazy gorilla sex, winning a mega-million-dollar lottery, and a big box of melt-in-your-mouth Belgium chocolates, all at once. With whipped cream and a cherry on top. 🙂


    Yes. Exactly. You make it sound um, romantic…I wouldn’t dare describe it like this, but….well, yes. No, there was nothing going on in case you wondered. I need to make that clear! LOL 😀

    Multiply that by at least 10 when the narc is world famous and WOW what a rush.

    Try 100 times that. Honestly it felt like winning the fucking lottery or a recording contract with a big label or something. I’m not kidding.

    When the N’s lovebombing stops and the spotlight goes out…… Big Ouch.

    Oh, hell yes. Excrucating.

    Wishing I could give you a hug. The pain is real and the pain really sucks. 😦


    Thank you so much for that, but anything you learn a lot from really hurts. I forget who said, “Crisis is Opportunity.” It’s a Chinese saying–Lao Tzu? IDK. I’m not that hurt anymore, I’m actually grateful I learned so much. I feel like in some way my life is changed for the better. It was part of the whole journey to wellness. It just had to stop somewhere. I think maybe God even stepped in and stopped it before things got really dangerous.

    What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
    I had missed you I really need my Otter fix you know. Think of him as valuable research. You also know now that you have that attraction so must be on alert for these types of people. I think he has a lot of the sociopath in him so he will mirror that which you want to see. When you got into what he projects as his mind you saw what he has created as a persona not a real mind so I can see where you ended up confused. These kinds of people are dangerous. Yes he is brilliant. He is also a very skilled manipulator. I do worry about those that end up in his orbit. Unless you worship at that altar you will end up being cast off. Your own strong mind got you free for that I am glad. Now no more sabbaticals. We need you right here to keep us informed and entertained. Welcome back my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I didn’t worship at his altar and that’s a good thing or I might have been compeltely drawn in–what that would have entailed, I have no idea, but it probably isn’t good. I think he’s like a cult leader and like you said, possibly sociopathic. I think there are many abuse victims who follow him around like groupies follow a rock star–attending all his lectures, worshipping the ground he walks on, calling him their guru (one lady actually used that word about him), stalking him on social media, probably offering other services as well 😉 — well you catch my drift. He’s the effing rock star of narcissism.

      Maybe he was just projecting what i wanted to see. That would explain the smoke and mirrors disorienting affect I experienced.

      He’s manipulative and bright enough to do that successfully. It almost became a sort of psychic thing–like he could read my mind? *shudders* Anyway, intelligent narcs know what you want to see, especially one who’s probably quite intuitive as well. I didn’t quite give him the right kind of supply he wanted (whatever that was, God knows) or insulted him by not giving him #1 prioroty or something and so he was done with me.

      But thank God this happened! It’s a very good thing, I got what I needed from him and no more. But I wonder what he was getting from stalking me/playing with me/pretending to be my friend/being verbally sadistic/blocking and unblocking me/setting rules about what kinds of comments I could allow on this blog/sharing so many of my articles all over social media. The whole experience was so crazymaking (and fun early on, of course). But why me and this blog!?! Sure, the attention was flattering but I will never understand why. I probably wouldn’t want to know why either.

      Liked by 2 people

        • That’s a really kind thing to say but I don’t think I’m a better writer than him, just have a completely different style. As for expertise, no, he knows more. But I agree the fact I’m an empath who can experience emotions and those of others too , that gives me a type of insight he can’t ever hope to have in his wildest dreams.

          Liked by 1 person

          • It isn’t just the writing it is the connecting. He can’t do that. He can only lecture. He knows about being a narcissist but is totally ignorant as far as the feelings of the victims of narcissist. He is fascinating, like watching a rattler.

            Liked by 2 people

            • I just increased number of nested replies allowed from 4 to six, so now I can reply to this. I dont think 4 was enough anymore.
              Yes, watching Sam is like watching a rattler. Or an exotic, poisonous bug with big, colorful wings.

              Liked by 1 person

            • He is utterly unable to connect on any meaningful level. Almost all his replies here and on Facebook, etc. are about one sentence followed by long lists of links to his writings. I’ve looked at his forums–there are quite a few–I never joined any or would want to (that’s where most of his hangers on and “groupies” will be found though) and people would be pouring out their whole life story of abuse and his reply would be some impersonal, terse sentence followed by a bunch of links. He did that here too.
              I remember two or 3 of his comments here were more personal and very sweet. I think they were sincere, but maybe not. You never know with a narc. Or he might have been trying hard to sound more personal.

              Liked by 1 person

            • I think he is more of a sociopath to tell you the truth although they really are related some of his tricks are straight from his hand book. I wouldn’t believe anything he says is genuine. I think he just says what he thinks you want to hear.

              Liked by 1 person

      • No I don’t know who you are talking about. I don’t do facebook and/or anything else just this website of Buddha9. I am sorry that you had to go through this horrid shit!

        Liked by 1 person

        • That’s okay, it was horrid no matter what (but not as bad as a lot of other things I had to go through) . If you go through my categories list and scroll through until you find the man’s name with the most posts talking about him, that’s who I’m talking about. I won’t actually say who.

          Liked by 1 person

  9. I think the Narc gave you an insight to yourself. You have a higher understanding of yourself. Higher than most people will ever know. A Narc gives you an insight to your childhood and your own behaviors. All the books, poetry and videos you feel you got lost in, you actually found yourself in. You know what you want in life. And you know exactly what you don’t want. Consider his rejection a graduation party to knowing yourself. Its a self-esteem graduation party. A writers degree of knowledge is exactly what you achieved through hard work and studies. It is true. A Narcissistic-Pyschopath can not change at this point in medical/pyschiatric history. At the moment there is not a cure, yet. It is not unusual for you to go through what you went through. You suffered from past Narcissitic abuse and you emotionally fell into the Guru of the Poster child of the abuse you grew up with. The abuse you found in partners. It feels comfortable. Normal. This is why I encourage the survivors of Narcissistic abuse to open the doors to knew friends that are kind, loving friends. I’m not talking about friends that charge your core with excitement and cold empathy. I am talking about steady, kind, warm and caring love. I am talking about lovers that love you openly and honestly. I am talking about romances that do not emulate the latest mystery romance novel. I’m talking about the genuine love that each and every person deserves to have. A love that is strait up and full of compassion and empathy. You and many others on this blog have the ability to feel. And each and every one of you deserve to love and be loved….

    Liked by 2 people

    • Mary,
      I am speechless. I don’t even know what to say. Your first sentence is so right on. Like I said before, he was my teacher as long as I needed his mind to find my own. Being a sort of mirror image of me (as an Aspie–that is almost the opposite of NPD) allowed me to look into the mirror AT MYSELF! Incredible observation. So in that sense the whole thing was a GOOD thing, because I learned so much about MYSELF instead of him. He just reflected me back to me. I don’t know if I’m making too much sense. But isn’t what happened exactly what happens in the therapist/patient relationship? The therapist is silent and mirrors back what the patient him self is thinking. Strong emotions called transference and countertransference happen in therapy, sometimes one sided, sometimes not.
      So in a way he was like my therapist. I didn’t need him anymore. Because I can do for myself now what he was doing for me.
      As a spiritual person I believe everything and everyone has a purpose. Everything that happens has a purpose. Even the narcs who abuse us–they are put there to teach us valuable lessons we need to become better people. If we can really see the lesson we learned beind all the pain–then they taught us something. Maybe they really hated us and didn’t intend to teach us anything. But God made sure we learned rom that experience. Or will make sure we do in time.
      Obviously Sam doesn’t have the same importance in my life my parents or ex did, but he was there as a sort of guide for me toward healing and God set things up that way.
      I know that sounds a little crazy.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Argh! I need to increase the number of nested replies. I want to reply to this one by QF.

    QF: You are making me feel so much less crazy about my experience with my maybe narcissist. Crashing…yes, that’s a good way to describe it. I’d imagine it would be like coming down from some sort of “upper” drug (amphetamine or similar). It probably chemically does similar things to the brain.

    It actually does change the chemistry of the brain. Infatuation on someone is a euphoric experience caused by the brain producing lots of dopamine (the feel good drug) but dopamine, like any opioid substance like heroin or methadone or opium (I think dopamine is an opioid, I’d have to look it up), is also addictive, so when the source of the drug (the person who for whatever reason your brain has decided to obsess over removes their attention) is suddenly removed , you literally will crash from dopamine withdrawals. I can’t find the source for that right now but it’s a scientific fact.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Alaina, this comment:
    You have taught me a lot!
    I cry easy. I cry when I’m happy, cry when I’m sad, cry when the dust storms here in high desert country are blowing and dust gets in my eyes.
    I loved your comment and was happy that my comment meant that much to you. So I smiled and cried.

    God, I can’t even. This just made ME cry. Thank you because I’ve been needing to.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Just for the record–the stats on this are blowing the roof off and I didn’t even put his name as a tag or category OR share it to FB or any other social media except Twitter. 😮 !!!!!!!
    How did that happen?!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I can tell you from long and painful experience that trying to get close to, or understand and be friends with a narcissist, is like trying to unclog a drain. Your sink keeps filling up (the friendship) and then is slow to drain (the let-down) and then you try to fix it (the unclogging). Guess what? All you come up with is slime, odd bits of hair and blech, and a feeling of not wanting it to happen again. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You reacted to a charismatic person and got caught up. It happens to writers all the time. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • Interesting analogy to the clogged drain, especaially the icky part with all the hair and gunk coming up–blech! From now on I’ll think o all narcissists–even famous, charming, intelligent ones(the most dangerous ones) as drain gunk. Ew.

      Why does this happen to writers? Because we’re always studying people’s minds and then dive too far in? Is it because writers are more emotional than other people? What is it?

      Liked by 2 people

  15. Talk about smoke and mirrors. He confused me. He did a very strange thing just before he blocked me permanently. This was after he unblocked me the first time.
    Out of the blue, he sent me a message saying “You have earned this.” Attached was his entire book of poetry. He told me to do anything with it I wished.
    I have no idea what I did to earn that or why he sent it to me. I did disseminate it as much as I could. He knows how much I like his poetry. But I don’t think that was the reason.

    Everything he ever did or said was cryptic and he spoke in riddles. He’s like a puzzle you have to figure out but you will never solve it because there is no solution. He never ever said anything directly. He wasn’t a liar like most narcs, but he lied by being so oblique you just sat there shaking your head saying WTF did he mean by that?
    His poetry is more direct than his style of communication. Oblique, coded messages that could mean anything–or nothing at all.
    The mystery of him is part of his enormous appeal. It’s also why a lot of people hate his guts.

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  16. Pingback: Narcissist Achilles Heel | galesmind

  17. Reblogged this on Marilyn Munrow and commented:
    Otter, this is beautifully written and true to your heart. Congratulations on your journey. You have been to hell and back, and are still here to tell the tale. I applaude you sugar. You are probably my favourite poster on here. I feel your pain, and i understand you. Well done sugar.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Dear God, how awful! Please stop beating yourself up about this, as you very well know you always have to expect a massive let-down with a narcissist. I think I know whom you’re talking about and well, brilliant mind or not, the man is an a*****e – end of. You are a very clever and caring person and that’s all that matters – I hope you get your mojo back soon. This blog is amazing and so are you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Purple–I appreciate this ❤
      But really, I'm not broken up over it. I knew while it was going on that things would change and he would show his true narc colors. I went into it knowing exactly what was likely to happen so I was prepared. I was also careful to pull myself away from obsessing too much by engaging in other activities, even if I had to drag my feet to do so.
      I was more angry than anything, but really, what did I expect? Just like that film director, Ian Walker (who made the movie documentary about him) who also suffered while filming him due to his over the top, childish and explosive behavior on the set. I read it took him 2 months to recover. If that's true, then I'm in a LOT better shape than he was.
      This writer is brilliant but has a very dark soul and a powerful pull–it's inevitable anyone who gets at all close to him , whether IRL or just online like me, is going to get burned. I consider myself lucky it wasn't much worse!
      That being said, I still value (and will always value) the man's contributions to writing and the field of narcissism–and for teaching me so much. It was a real education for me. So to him I want to say thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I did get the impression from that post that you were handling it well, considering your horrible experiences in the past with narcs but I can’t help but find it upsetting when somebody who’s already had abuse from narcs somehow gets MORE. So maybe I read this and ended up more upset than you actually are because I identified – lol
        I’m glad you’re okay in any case 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you, and I am fine. I’m going to write something later about this because in a weird way, this was all a really positive experience and came to an end just when it should have . I’ll explain later.

          Liked by 1 person

  20. You should be proud! If you were weak or accomodating to his needs, he would not have rejected you. Well done on leaving that sack of self-pitying s— behind. SV is not worth wasting your time on. He needs to go to the “sense of humor” store and get his broken humor system repaired, if it ever worked in the first place. If one cannot laugh at oneself, things are going to be pretty hard.

    I felt guilty for a second – only a second – while reading this post, because I realized that my comments lampooning his ridiculous distortions may have contributed to him rejecting you. But then I realized; if it was me, I have also done a good thing! Contributing to people becoming free from “snakes” like SV always has a bright side.

    Liked by 2 people

    • BPD, OMFG… the way you wrote that comment and what you said literally has me screaming with laughter. Holy fuck. Laughing so hard I’m almost crying.

      “He needs to go to the “sense of humor” store and get his broken humor system repaired, if it ever worked in the first place. ”

      OMG That is priceless.
      (Hey, SV–if you’re lurking, sorry about poking fun at you, but try to see the humor and the TRUTH in what she said)

      Seriously, the man brings it on himself.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I have to admit I am RELIEVED. I think it is better you are far away as possible.

    In our world they have what are called gatekeepers. I know I may be going into what some call conspiracy, but the study of narcissism or “evil” itself, the powers that be want it controlled, and I suppose you can see where my opinions about certain individuals come from.

    If one sees a guy that goes to every narcissist themed blog, website and message board on the entire internet with rare exceptions, that is time to be wary. I believe some of the gatekeepers almost have day-jobs gatekeeping, if you get my drift.

    I may be writing an article soon, you may disagree with, it will be called Malignant Narcissism can’t be cured. The bible makes it clear once a conscience is seared and one has entered a reprobate state of mind, then it is too late. I know none of my narcs will ever wake up. I of course have opinions who is seared and not seared.

    One thing about sociopaths and narcissists they are highly intelligent. That can be the most disappointing thing about them in that there is intelligence there but darkness behind it. Some even craft personas to lead victims in and they know “mystery” sells.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I never heard of “gatekeeping” but it’s interesting and it makes sense. Do you have some links I can read about it? It doesn’t sound crazy, but I want to find out more.
      I agree most narcs and socio/psyhopaths are very intelligent and it’s the intelligent ones that are also the most dangerous. They are expert manipulators.

      Like

    • I am actually relieved too. Yes, there was hurt and anger, but even then I knew it was for the best. I was always careful, so didn’t get drawn in so far I wouldn’t have been able to get out quickly should that need have arose.

      The Internet is a powerful thing, and I think the dynamics between people online can be as strong as those in real life. You can pick up and sense things about people online, even if you never met them face to face. This can be a great thing, especially for Aspies who have problems with social situations, but one has to be careful because there are psychopathic people all over the web and it’s easier online to pretend to be something other than what you are. I’m not necessarily referring to you know who here, but in general, it’s prudent to be careful when interacting with people you have not met.

      I think God intercepted just when he should have. I am grateful for the things I learned, but enough was enough. I think God used him to teach me a powerful lesson but that’s all it ever was supposed to be.
      I’m ever more grateful for the things God is showing me every day. It’s truly incredible what I am realizing about myself and my place in the world.

      Keep praying and just be patient with yourself. You are getting where you need to be too.

      I am definitely interested to read your article about Malignant narcissism–and you may be surprised that I’ll agree with more than you think. I don’t think all narcs can be cured, and I don’t think malignant narcs and psychopaths can be cured at all. That’s another thing I learned and I do not think SV will ever be cured. I put that in my last post “My final words about this.”
      I forgive him for his abuse and manipulation but I think Hell will freeze over before he gets healed. So that idea, which was based on wishful thinking, has changed.

      Like

      • I am relieved for you. I know it can be difficult. One thing to remember as ACONs since growing up with sociopaths is familiar to us, some of the more crafty ones can draw you in. I had to start testing people myself with one question years ago in my mind to avoid my own involvement with narcs. “Are they kind” is that question. While I was attached romantically young and have been out of the dating world since age 25, it could happen in other dealings and in some friendships. Yes online we have to be careful too. There are people who will play roles and seek to deceive. I pray God will protect you and yes this definitely could be His interception. I know I am still thinking about the “They can’t be cured” article, I may write more about what “seared” means and what a closed conscience brings forth, though definitely smakintosh has covered that topic in his video

        Liked by 1 person

        • I am actually really looking forward to reading it, and I would like it if you explained what seared means. I am not sure and I don’t think a lot of people know exactly what it means either. I’m open to being educated!

          They can definitely be very crafty, especially smart ones. You have to be on guard.

          Like

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