The day I went to Hell.

singularity-mind

A old friend from another website I used to frequent and I were having an interesting conversation earlier today on Facebook about my conversion to Catholicism on Easter. My friend converted two years ago (from Episcopalian) so of course he knows much more than I do.

Both of us love philosophical musing and talking about weird, metaphysical subjects so as conversations sometimes will, soon I was asking him if he believed in Hell (he does but doesn’t think it’s a hellfire and brimstone sort of place) and if he believes all narcissists will go there (he thinks they will and there’s no hope for any of them; I don’t think that’s necessarily the case unless they’re psychopathic or malignant).

I asked him what he thought hell was like and he replied that it was worse than a fire and brimstone hell because it would involve the lost soul forever drifting alone in between the galaxies, where there are no stars and no light…utterly alone, and lost for all eternity with no hope of finding their way back to…anything at all.

This suddenly brought back memories of a bad LSD trip I took many years ago, when I was in my 20s. I was never adventurous about taking recreational drugs and pretty much stuck with alcohol and pot, which seemed safe. I must have known on some level I didn’t have the right sort of temperament to react well to a strong psychedelic drug, so I never messed with them except for this one time.

Psychedelic drugs make you extremely suggestible, and heighten whatever mood you’re already in or exaggerate what you’re already worried about. This is why it’s recommended that if you decide to experiment with this class of recreationals, to only do it in a setting you’re comfortable in and have a trusted “trip sitter” who is not under the influence there just in case a freak-out occurs. As a person who was constantly on edge and a nervous wreck anyway (and I also took it with someone I didn’t know well), the outcome wasn’t going to be good (but it sure was interesting).

My trip memories came flooding back (not as a flashback, just a memory) so I described these memories to my Facebook friend today. Personally I think these drugs can be extremely dangerous because I think that, much like messing with the occult, they can open doors better left bolted shut, and reveal truths about the universe we may not be ready to know or ever should know. You can be shown things you can’t begin to understand and that lack of understanding will terrify you. Basically, they constitute a way to eat from a Tree of Knowledge that can really fuck your head up for a long time, even causing a psychotic break, or at the least just cause extreme discomfort for awhile.

At first I thought nothing was going to happen, because the weirdness didn’t kick in for almost half an hour. Then I started to shiver as if I was cold but I wasn’t cold. The shivering was coming from inside me. Everything became metallic. My surroundings developed sharp edges that gleamed like the edges of knives and the sounds around me sounded like metal and glass.

metallic_tree

We were outside. I watched a car zoom by and thought it looked and sounded funny–sort of like a cartoon–so I started laughing. I thought it was alive. I started rambling (probably incoherently) about why cars weren’t considered to be living things because they sure acted like living things and even had “systems”–the body covered with a metal skin, the engine (the heart), the transmission and electrical system (the nervous system), the various fluids that lubricated and made it run (blood and other bodily fluids), even a waste elimination system (the exhaust). And they had four “legs” that kept them moving. They could get sick and be “diagnosed.” Their inner workings seemed as complex to me as the inside of the human body. They even had quirks and “personalities.”

This early part of the trip was kind of fun but I was still disturbed by the metallic sound and cartoonish look of everything. The world seemed like it was screaming and shards of metal were slicing into my brain like razor blades. A fly landed on my arm and I screamed because I thought it was some kind of tiny machine that could see inside my soul. The fact that such “engineered insects” and even smaller nanomachines actually exist freaks me out more than a little.

artificial_insect
Creepy artificially engineered insect.

Then I had a bizarre thought that came out of nowhere. I “realized” that nothing was real–that everything and everyone I had ever known, everything I ever learned about or experienced, in fact every person and every experience I had ever had since the time I was born–none of it was real. Everything and everyone I knew was merely a creation of my own mind. (I understand some Eastern religious practices actually do believe this).

But if everything I saw and knew and experienced was nothing but a mental construct I created from my own mind, and nothing really existed, then where were my own thoughts coming from?

nothing_is_real

I was a singularity, a tiny speck of bright white consciousness, floating alone in the black void of deep space, light years away or an eternity away from any known universe. I felt utterly alone and lonely, and wondered why only my consciousness existed. I was overcome with profound sadness.

And then realized this meant I must be God. I was pure consciousness floating bodiless within an eternity of nothingness. I could create my reality out of nothing. If that was the case, I could create a whole new universe. As God, I was the consciousness that brought on the Big Bang. I thought about creating a new universe, one that would make me happy instead of so miserable, afraid and sad. But I was too afraid to create anything at all. What sort of “God” would be so scared and so powerless?

god_creating

I started to freak out. I remembered my past life, my job, my school, my friends, my family. I wanted to get back but didn’t know how. I had a massive panic attack so intense I thought I would die. Maybe I was already dead. Maybe I had never existed at all…who the hell was I? Where was I?

I was trapped in some weird time loop. Although I (think) I only had these realizations, thoughts and visions once, I had the unsettling feeling I had been through this exact experience many times before, and in fact this experience had been my only reality throughout all eternity. Everything else had been a dream. This was the only reality.

Gradually I began to come back to the world. My friend told me he was worried about me because all I had done was sit on the floor, backed into a corner of his kitchen, moaning and mumbling incoherently. He said my eyes looked like black pools of terror. He tried to give me some coffee but I had pushed him away. I didn’t remember doing that.

It was definitely an interesting experience but one I would never try again.

My Facebook friend and I started talking about the devil and whether he existed. Anyone who would think of themselves as God, even in a deluded drug induced state, was being influenced by Satan, who thought of himself as God or at least that he should have been God. I’m still not sure I believe in Satan, but this argument made a kind of sense. The overall feeling of my LSD experience was one of profound despair, terror, evil and separation from God.

blackhole2
Could this be Hell?

Being “God”–a singularity of consciousness amid an eternity of nothingness–was terrifying. I told my friend I thought perhaps I went to Hell and it was exactly as he had described: a place of nothingness between the galaxies or even outside any known universe, perhaps within a massive black hole, an eternal separation from all that was real, whether bad, good or in between.

I was never so glad to return to the mundane and too often very boring and painful reality of the earthly world I lived in, just one insignificant human among billions of others just like me. I actually appreciated all the little things that angered, upset or annoyed me, at least for a little while.

Looking back on that experience now, I think I actually was in hell. I think that, if Satan does exist, utter aloneness, terror and despair is what he feels (but don’t worry, I’m not Mick Jagger and have no sympathy for the devil). Satan is the Ultimate Narcissist, and still believes he is greater than God, the source of all that is–and he hates God for casting him out of heaven into that eternal black void of nothingness.

12 thoughts on “The day I went to Hell.

  1. Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
    Interesting post. Growing up in the sixties I had plenty of opportunities to try drugs. LSD and pot were pretty much easy to be had but never interested me. Having a bipolar mother was enough of an existential experience for me. I did like alcohol and enjoyed quite a bit of it. Give me a nice pinot grigio over drugs any time but then alcohol is a drug isn’t it. Oh well. I think we all have our own versions of hell inside of us. I don’t think that Dante really portrayed the real hell just his version. Either way I really don’t want to visit there. Not sure what heaven is either. Most of it sounds pretty boring. Perhaps we are all a bit of God and make up the universe and go back to becoming a part of that. Anyway really thought provoking post. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for reblogging. I actually don’t regret this experience now because I think Ilearned from it. We learn something from everything that happens to us and from every choice we make.

      I would never do hard drugs or psychedelics ever again. That one time was enough for me. I was always too afraid to get into them.

      I do enjoy a drink from time to time (and drink a LOT less than I used to) and have to admit, very occasionally, like to smoke a little weed. I’m glad 3 states have legalized it. I don’t see what the big deal is and don’t think people should be imprisoned for smoking a little weed. But I’m definitely not a pot head either LOL. That’s more like my ex.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Used to love cigarettes really enjoyed them and some wine. Gave those up long ago. The wine I don’t really have the metabolism to drink like I use to a couple of glasses is my limit. I really don’t care what other people do. Weed doesn’t bother me except for the smell. Tried it and all it did was play havoc with my allergies. LSD scared me I heard about too many bad trips. Thanks for sharing your experience though as it gave me an idea what it was like.
        Always happy to reblog your stuff it is good.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you. Cigarettes are the hardest thing to give up. I still smoke but less than a pack a day-I split them–I never smoke a whole cigarette and never to the filter. People wonder why I “waste” them. They’re wasted anyway–a totally useless, disgusting and expensive habit that’s unhealthy too. It’s so hard to quit.

          If you like to read “trip reports” (they can be fun and interesting to read), you can do a Google search. There are plenty of websites where people post about their weird drug experiences.

          Like

  2. Wow, what a crazy experience! What you described sure does sound like Hell. Darkness, separation, believing you are god. Sounds about right. What an awful feeling.

    I personally never experiemented with illicit substances. I saw what alcohol did to me and that was truly enough to keep me sober.

    Liked by 3 people

    • It was definitely a very bad and scary experience. But interesting. The time loop thing was incredibly weird.

      These kind of substances are dangerous because I do think they show you another dimension of things we are not supposed to know about. What you see is real. But not for us to know.

      I used to have a problem with alcohol. When I was in my teens, 20s and 30s I drank a lot. I mean a LOT! I thought I was an alcoholic and even went to AA meetings.
      But I guess I’m not one because today I can drink one drink and leave it unfinished. I don’t crave alcohol and don’t like it anywhere near as much as I used to. So I guess what I had was a drinking problem but not to the point of being an alcoholic. They say real alcoholics can never take another drink without losing control.

      Like

  3. Thanks for sharing your psychedelic experience. I’ve always been afraid of them too. How old were you when you tripped? Just curious really. I had a lot of friends who tripped on both acid and shrooms and I had plenty of op myself but like you stuck with pot and alcohol.

    I did a research paper in college on LSD, a rather interesting subject. I remember sitting in the college library and while working a friend of mine from another class came over to say hi and asked what I was doing. When I told him, he proceeded to tell me about an experience of his.

    I was always afraid I wouldn’t come back from a trip. And given how ridiculously sensitive I am to everything…I mean tipsy on one beer sensitive, there was a possibility too real for me to take a chance. lol

    Oh yeah, love the new wall paper. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Trip reports are always really interesting. I was about 25 when this happened, so that would have been around 1984. Just before I married my narc, lol. (I wonder what was worse, the bad acid trip or marrying him???)

      I’ve heard Salvia, which gives you a 5 minute trip, is one of the most intense experiences you can have on psychedelics. I’m not sure Salvia is legal anymore though. DMT is supposed to be pretty intense too, and is the only psychedelic our own body can produce. Obviously not enough to make us trip all the time.

      I’m glad you’re liking the new wallpaper. I really like it too, even if it looks like the pattern on a pair of jammies. (I would totally get jammies with those cute little otters all over them)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Good grief, Lucky O!! Remember when you told me that my epiphany story had your jaw on the floor? That’s me, right now, after reading your hell story!

    Speaking of my epiphany, I have never even looked at the post you did about that, because I didn’t want to see what others might have thought about my strange experience. CrAzY, huh? 😀

    I never did LSD on purpose. But during my two year incarceration in a state hospital in the 1960s, I was one of several patients who was unknowingly experimented on with LSD. I only found out about it because a nurse took pity on me and told me, when I told her that I could see the molecules of everything and the walls were breathing in and out and the floor was undulating. It was terrifying! I thought I was going crazier! I was only 15 or 16 then and I had zero rights because my mother had made me a ward of the state when she locked me up.

    Awhile back I did an online search about LSD experiments supposedly being done on mental patients, the military, and even orphans some forty or so years ago. According to what I found, the CIA was behind it. Now if THAT assertion doesn’t scream “paranoid schizophrenic” I don’t know what does! But thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, there are official CIA files on record that admit to at least some of this insanity.

    LIfe is so F’d up! Sometimes I think life really isn’t real. I mean, how can it be? But maybe I’m just having a decades-old flashback caused by the CIA’s LSD… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Geez, Alaina, that’s horrible that was done to you. Unknowingly giving you LSD and other drugs in that awful hospital as an experiment. What did they think you were, a lab rat? That has to be illegal now. It probably was then too. It was equally awful that your own mother put you in that hellhole.

      You should look at the post I wrote about your epiphany. I know that feeling youre talking about though.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Your friend said all narcs go to Hell? Isn’t that rather harsh. I guess I’m a hopeless case as a psychopath. But I don’t believe it. This comedy series from England, “Bless Me Father” had this very stern, scary nun say that Catholics must believe in a literal Hell. And the priest answered, “Only a lunatic would think there’s anyone in there.” That’s the attitude I agree with.

    I fell in love with acid and took over 100 trips, some of which were really profound. I described the best one I ever had under your other blog. But the thing is that I reached a certain place and I realized acid had taught me everything it could. Did you say it’s like eating the apple? But the Bible says we all ate the apple, all guilty of original sin. I think of original sin as the fact that we are each born in a state of enmity with other people. Some people starving. Some having too much. And, before we can even make a choice, we are smack dab in the middle of it.

    But I don’t think my experience of God consciousness was from the devil. And, yes, it is scary because you are responsible for everything. You think Satan is a narc? Maybe Hell is like Psych Forum in the narcissist section. LOL!

    Like

    • Your last sentence had me rolling. 😀
      No I do not think all narcs go to hell, and I’m not even sure hell exists anyway. If anyone goes to hell, it’s the malignant narcs and the psychopaths (sorry) and sociopaths who have no self awareness, no conscience at all, and no desire to change. High spectrums Ns and ASPDs are usually pretty much evil to the core (although even Hitler loved dogs!)

      But I know one alleged psychopath who isn’t evil. But she may not be one anyway. She wants to take the Hare test to find out. 😉

      Evil to me means a person who wants to bring harm to others and has no remorse over it and doesn’t care about the suffering they cause or even enjoys it.
      A lot of people in the narcissistic abuse community think ALL narcissists are evil, and some think BPDs are too. (In fact there are some BPDs who are worse than some Ns). It’s understandable why they feel that way, but the people who abused them were usually malignant. The stigma is very pervasive and it’s getting worse. NPD used to just be a psychiatric diagnosis. Now all Cluster B’s, especially narcissists, are all “evil” even if self aware/wanting to change. It’s always assumed they “have an agenda” or are “full of shit” and lying about it. I know that isn’t true because now that I know I’m one myself (vulnerable type) I really, really want to change and every word I say here is my reality and truth.
      People who demonize all Ns are doing exactly what narcissists and BPDs do–engaging in black and white thinking. They don’t realize narcissism is a spectrum disorder and those in the bottom half of the spectrum aren’t evil at all, but usually pretty miserable.

      Like

Comments are closed.