Are you being “gaslighted”?

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I found an interesting article on A Healthy Place about the emotional abuse practice of gaslighting. I never knew the various types of gaslighting actually had names!

Here’s everything you need to know about this sinister manipulation tactic used by narcissistic abusers, and how to tell if you’re a victim.

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Gaslighting Definition, Techniques and Being Gaslighted
Written by Natasha Tracy

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates situations repeatedly to trick the victim into distrusting his or her own memory and perceptions. Gaslighting is an insidious form of abuse. It makes victims question the very instincts that they have counted on their whole lives, making them unsure of anything. Gaslighting makes it very likely that victims will believe whatever their abusers tell them regardless as to their own experience of the situation. Gaslighting often precedes other types of emotional and physical abuse because the victim of gaslighting is more likely to remain in other abusive situations as well.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 British play “Gas Light” wherein a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy using a variety of tricks causing her to question her own perceptions and sanity. Gas Light was made into a movie both in 1940 and 1944.

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Gaslighting Techniques and Examples
Gaslighting is emotional abuse that aims to make victims doubt their own perceptions and memories. Find out if you are being gaslighted in your relationship.There are numerous gaslighting techniques which can make gaslighting more difficult to identify. Gaslighting techniques are used to hide truths that the abuser doesn’t want the victim to realize. Gaslighting abuse can be perpetrated by either women or men.

“Withholding” is one gaslighting technique where the abuser feigns a lack of understanding, refuses to listen and declines sharing his emotions. Gaslighting examples of this would be:

“I’m not listening to that crap again tonight.”
“You’re just trying to confuse me.”

Another gaslighting technique is “countering,” where an abuser will vehemently call into question a victim’s memory in spite of the victim having remembered things correctly.

“Think about when you didn’t remember things correctly last time.”
“You thought that last time and you were wrong.”
These techniques throw the victim off the intended subject matter and make them question their own motivations and perceptions rather than the issue at hand.

It is then that the abuser will start to question the experiences, thoughts and opinions more globally through statements said in anger like:

“You see everything in the most negative way.”
“Well you obviously never believed in me then.”
“You have an overactive imagination.”

“Blocking” and “diverting” are gaslighting techniques whereby the abuser again changes the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim’s thoughts and controlling the conversation. Gaslighting examples of this include:

“I’m not going through that again.”
“Where did you get a crazy idea like that?”
“Quit bitching.”
“You’re hurting me on purpose.”

“Trivializing” is another way of gaslighting. It involves making the victim believe his or her thoughts or needs aren’t important, such as:

“You’re going to let something like that come between us?”

Abusive “forgetting” and “denial” can also be forms of gaslighting. In this technique, the abuser pretends to forget things that have really occurred; the abuser may also deny things like promises that have been made that are important to the victim. An abuser might say,

“What are you talking about?”
“I don’t have to take this.”
“You’re making that up.”

Some gaslighters will then mock the victim for their “wrongdoings” and “misperceptions.”

Gaslighting Psychology
The gaslighting techniques are used in conjunction to try to make the victim doubt their own thoughts, memories and actions. Soon the victim is scared to bring up any topic at all for fear they are “wrong” about it or don’t remember the situation correctly.

The worst gaslighters will even create situations that allow for the usage of gaslighting techniques. An example of this is taking the victim’s keys from the place where they are always left, making the victim think she has misplaced them. Then “helping” the victim with her “bad memory” find the keys.

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Are You a Victim of Gaslighting Emotional Abuse?
According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting emotional abuse include:

You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.

50 thoughts on “Are you being “gaslighted”?”

  2. Ok, well, this helps a bunch. Every time I question whether or not I was crazy in regards to my N I am going to read this. Such subtle gas lighting but it was there in every single interaction!

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    • Especially when they have flying monkeys who are all trying to tell you you’re the crazy one or the oversensitive one, you begin to question your own reality. Even if you’re not crazy, it can literally drive you insane.
      My ex was great at this stuff, and also great at getting his flying monkeys to side against me with him. He even got our own daughter siding against me for awhile. The narcissist’s charm and ability to convince others combined with their lying about your reality is deadly.

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        • It’s a real term in the narc abuse community–narcs will get people to side with them against the victim of their choosing–using lies, triangulation, and other deceitful methods to garner support against the victim–the people they recruit to “help” them do this (often other family members) are called “flying monkeys”–the term comes from the Wizard of Oz (the flying monkeys who carried out the witch’s bidding but were really victims longing to be freed)

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  3. I have a copy of this old Ingrid Bergman movie. There is an original version of the movie you can watch on line. Gaslighting can be subtle and tricky. They tell you one thing and do another….and tell you that your the crazy one when you call them out on their behavior. The best way to counter attack the gaslighter is to copy and paste the love bomb text messages and send them back in an email. They fail to respond when you have facts that prove your not crazy. Bomb the Narc. back with documented facts just to remind yourself that he’s the nutter. Its not you. Then go no contact, to maintain your own sanity.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s not a bad idea, Mary. Yes, if you have all the facts, the smarter ones will probably just ignore you or not respond–because they know you have their number and there’s no counterattack that will work for them. The dumb ones (like my ex) will still deny everything, even with the proof shoved in their stupid faces. Actually he was quite intelligent but acted like an idiot most of the time because of his obsession with always being *right* even when he was obviously wrong.

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  5. Just so true. When you do show them proof, it’s amazing how they react. They’re literally speechless. They can’t believe you’ve “saved” something from the past that can cross their words. But that method can help some of them along with no contact. Always one step ahead of them is my motto, but it takes diligence, time and effort, and it’s exhausting. Such a shame when they’re family, too.

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    • It’s very exhausting to try to second guess a narc, because they’re always changing their game and their timing. It can be just as crazymaking as being victimized. That’s why NC is really the only effective way to deal with a narc.
      It is kind of satisfying though, when you’ve bested a narc at one of their own games. I found that when I was with my MN ex, playing his own games right back at him usually got him to shut up and lay off for awhile. I wasn’t very good at this, though.

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      • I thought mine was intelligent too. But I recently watched a video, which..I think I sent you the link with it,..you might have not gotten to it yet). Anyway, the guy who made the video claimed we are calling them Narcissist..but they really are all Psychopath’s because they have no empathy. He claims most of them are not as bright as we think. He claims they are very incompetent at completely any task or performing at a job. He says they just take what other people say and piece it together and reiterate it over and over again. I think he’s right. Because when you think about it, nothing originally comes out of their mouths. He claims they we are smarter than they are. I’ve read many of your articles. I am positive you are far more intelligent and even more interesting than your ex. And you are right. Once they know you have their number down..they fly away to another to land on another victim. Its all business to them. No feelings at all. They look for the next person to exploit… For power & control. Maybe money or their sex organs…or whatever Sadistically interests them. Deep down inside they know they cant feel feelings so they know their Aliens. When they see you have emotions.. It frightens them. They fear intimacy because we are humans and Aliens fear humans.

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        • I think I did see that video, and I’ve read that too– that narcissists don’t have any original thoughts and piece together what other people say. They are good at amalgamating, not really thinking. They may be intelligent, but they are intelligent like a computer–a computer knows a lot and can give you a lot of information, but does it ever really THINK? No.

          Thanks for saying I’m more intelligent than my ex. I am. I mean, his IQ is high (mine is too) but he has completely wasted his life and his dependence on drugs has compromised whatever original intelligence he had.
          And yes, I was originally attracted to him for his mind. I’m attracted to bright men–but they usually turn out to be narcs.
          Aliens…or computers…machines….well, they have shut off their human emotions even though they’re still buried deep inside and no one can access them, not even themselves. Sucks for them.

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        • You’ve got me curious about the video. Can you comment on the name of it?
          I have an ex who so easily goes from one to the next. But not before marrying them. Well, except for me. Long story about circumstances…that incidentally I’m now grateful for.

          He will probably stay with the one he’s with now though… if she’ll have him. He’s getting older and he actually expressed his worry about retirement. I think he was concerned about his own elder care. He has no kids and I’m only a couple years younger than him. And I have no kids.

          He found a woman 10 years his junior and she asked him to move in I guess about 3 months after they began dating. It probably would’ve been sooner if he hadn’t still been trying to figure out what he was doing with me.

          Anyway, I’m a YouTube addict so I’d be interested in the video you’re talking about. When he and I first broke up, videos were my life saver at times I couldn’t focus enough to read.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. This is a great piece. I’ve always had those symptoms, that’s why I can’t hold down a job, people think I’m crazy. I hope people who are searching to why they are like this will find this article, it would have opened up the truth for me a year ago.

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    • Yes…they were either born Alien like or shut their computer down in childhood. Its very sad…but there is nothing that can be done to change the situation. The mourning process is kind of like accepting a death. You have to realize you love a person that isn’t really there.

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      • “The mourning process is kind of like accepting a death. You have to realize you love a person that isn’t really there.”

        You couldn’t have described the feeling better with that phrase. I have done that….oh god, I have done that. It’s so hard.

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      • From what I understand…it’s like doing business to them. Although, I recall the Narc. acting angry over prior lovers of his. But I bet he was just triangulating. Its difficult for me to understand. They can feel devious. They can feel Sadistic. They rage. They are angry. If you can feel all those emotions…. Then why couldn’t you feel love?? I don’t understand this. Love is a feeling and emotion. As hate is also feeling and emotion. It doesn’t make sense to me…

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      • The videos are “Labrynth of the Psychopath”. They are on youtubes… And I did send luckyotter the article…with the link. I like the way this man explains things. His thing is…quit calling them Narcissists…Borderlines…and all those names. He refers to them as Psychopaths and that they are different. Sort of like another species of humans because their brain is wired differently. They are predator like. They do not feel love and empathy because the really can not do it. He claims they are not human…but a human sub-species and that 1 out of every 25 people are Psychopaths. Maybe… The reason why the feel negative emotions could be because they know they are different. They have struggled fitting in with feelings humans…and they become sad and even possibly suicidal because the don’t understand themselves. I wonder what it would be like if they knew they were different and it was recognized and social excepted. Meaning people wouldn’t look down upon them for not having empathy. The predator behaviors must be the result of competing and trying to survive in a world they just dont fit in. Is my analogy getting too weird on this?

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  8. I never knew the exact term until recently: gaslighting. How ironic that I didn’t even know what it was called when I was on the other end of it for so long. The sad thing is that people don’t realise that intelligence has nothing to do with it. I mean, in the sense that you can be an intelligent individual and still fall victim to this. By this time last year I was in therapy, unable to eat or sleep and wondering how I could have let it happen to me when I’ve always been a confident person. But I did let it happen, and I could see it was happening from the beginning, knew what he was doing/saying was wrong, YET i ended up doubting myself all the same. Because I AM quite a sensitive person, his words, repeated over and over, finally struck a chord: “You’re too sensitive, you drive me crazy, you read too much into things, I can’t be around you anymore because of my sanity. I need to get away from you because you’re making me unhappy with your high-maintenance, and crazy demands…’ etc
    Weird that they can actually make you doubt yourself when you are a very self-aware and intelligent type of person….narcissist are so dangerous.

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    • Gaslighting is mental and emotional cruelty and very crazymaking. After too long being exposed to it, you can actually go insane. Projecting , which is similar and part of gaslighting, is big with MN’s too–they like to project their own character flaws onto you: my MN ex loved to tell me and anyone who would listen how narcissistic I was–and he was believed because he set me up in situations (like demanding unreasonable things from me) where I actually did look selfish and unreasonable. He would tell his flying monkeys lies about what he asked for (making it seem like less) and go on about how selfish and ungiving a person I was. What he did was evil. Especially because he tried (and almost succeeded) in turning our daughter against me.

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      • They do project their character flaws on you. Like accusing you of not loving them unconditionally or to make statements like, “I don’t do crazy anymore. I did crazy with my ex and I’m not doing that again.” When in fact “crazy” is their major character flaw… And everything has a condition with them. They can not love unconditionally. They love bomb until the victim is hooked. Eventually the victim questions their behaviors.. And then they devalue and discard. They will repeat the cycle of abuse again and again to gain control if you let them. Its all about power & control.

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        • I have heard about the “cycle”, what I would like to know though, is how my narc has now been in the same relationship for 6 months and it seems to be going very well. The person he’s with loves him like crazy and never questions him though. The narc recently told me that: “they have never ever had an argument” and that he loves that because me and him argued all the time and he hated that and never wants to go through that again. Blaming me again for the arguments of course but that’s not the point, how come his new relationship is going so well? Is it because his new love doesn’t ever question him?

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          • Before you know it, Mary, he will be trash talking her too. He’s in the love bombing phaze. If he’s really the narc he seems to be (and he definitely sounds like one), soon he will be devaluing her too. He sounds very dangerous.

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  9. Yes, I know about that too. My narc was the biggest liar and fact twister ever and he liked to tell me those were MY faults. When our mutual friends, who could see what was happening, turned against him, he went into an absolute rage, told me I had “poisoned them against him with my lies” and then did an actual Facebook message adding me and ALL our friends as recipients in which he proceeded to tell them all what a liar and horrible person *I* was, not him, very cleverly adding lots of info (nothing private at all) about our friends that I had told him in the course of normal conversation but making it sound to them as if I had said A LOT MORE. He tried to turn them against me that way, luckily my friends knew I had never betrayed any of their secrets and i confronted him anyway in front of them and said: PROVE it, you’re telling them I betrayed them and lied to them, I dare you to prove it.” Of course he couldn’t, (he said “no, this is not the place for me to reveal everybody’s secrets, I respect that each of you might not want their personal lives revealed to the others” – so he was manipulating and lying to the end!) but had my friends not been so loyal, they might have believed there was a grain of truth in what he was saying. I was simply horrified by his nastiness, his powers as a manipulator and his need to be in absolute control. I actually believe now that when he twists facts like that, he ends up believing it. I feel terribly sorry for you that your narc tried to turn your own daughter against you. Now, that’s pure evil! I’m terribly glad it didn’t succeed.

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    • Its called the cycle of abuse. Maybe lucky otter might have or find a photo of it. I can send it to her. I can find it. Its the classic Domestic Violence cycle of abuse. Its a circle and it shows abuse is cyclic.

      Here is an example:
      Idealize-He will say or do anything to emotionally captivate you. He will tell you your soulmates and make you believe the love you share is the love of the century. He will convince you that what you have with him is unique and noone else can give this to you.

      Devalue: Once he knows he’s got you hooked he will degrade and devalue you. He can not handle your emotions. He loaths and fears an emotional bond. He will introduce and test physical abuse if he is a Psychopath. And usually in this stage he is securing a new supply.

      Discard: He will Discard you out of Narc injury and boredom. He is idealizing his new supply and punishing you. He’s Sadistic.

      *Re-Cycle- He becomes bored with the new supply and realizes you.

      Each cycle is quicker and shorter. The more abuse his victims take…the last respectful he is and the more Sadistic he acts.

      *This is a general description. Not all abusers are Somatic… But the majority are. They feel entitled to do whatever they want.

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      • Yeah, I guess it all makes sense. It’s just that I was part of that “cycle” so I know how it works and I suppose I expected his new love to have hit the skids by now, because of said cycle. It has been 6 months after all……. but he has been flirting with me again, out of fear I have really moved on I guess, but I have the feeling he does genuinely misses me too (although of course I could be deluding myself). All i can say is that if I was the “new love” I certainly wouldn’t like and approve of the conversations the narc has been having with me. But of course the new love doesn’t know about any of it. New love sounds pretty stupid if you ask me and I guess that was part of the attraction for the narc.
        Anyway, thank you both for your insight – you guys are really knowledgeable 🙂

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    • Facebook is a favorite tool for narcs. Mine bashed me publicly on his timeline, posting frequent updates about what a Bitch or c**t I was, and what a horrible wife and mother I had been. Well, I wonder why my kids prefer me to him, lol. His updates came out of nowhere, for no reason….it was just him ranting on because he’s miserable and hates his life but can take no responsibility for his own failures….just blames me and everything else he can think of. He’s so entitled and acts like he’s the most perfect thing to ever walk on earth. Yeah right.

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    • It was pure evil alright, but these monsters will stop at nothing to destroy their target or get their way. Due to her role as his flying monkey, her head got really messed up and she has PTSD, anxiety and possible BPD.

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      • That’s just terrible and I think it proves without a shadow of a doubt that victims of narcissists who think they can “help them and change them” (I was one of those for far too long) are completely deluded and must accept that NOBODY can help them if their own flesh and blood are not even immune to their mind games.
        I mean, when I first told my narc I was sick to death of him and didn’t want anymore to do with him, he kept his job at the place I was working at in the evening, just for one night a week, but he did it just so i “couldn’t escape”. Everybody wondered why an accountant with a full-time and well-paid job would work one night a week when he obviously didn’t need to. Well, they all realised it was so I couldn’t escape his clutches. This went on for a full year of me begging him to LEAVE but he just wouldn’t do it until the cycle was full and he was ready to discard me. Then he literally left from one day to the next, didn’t even work his notice. Gosh, those people are evil.

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  10. Yeah, Facebook and Twitter have been favourite places for my narc. All the horrible retweets he would do: “Thank God i finally got rid of my stalker, my life is so much better now” is a good one. It was a tweet that was 2 weeks old so he had purposefully “hunted it down” out of the pure rage that I had told him to get out of my life. He gets into terrible rages when he doesn’t get his own way, like, scary rages where the nastiness is off the scales. It would always shake me to my core. But, like yours, he acts like he’s perfect all the time but deep down, they realise they are just full of s***e, right?

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    • “Thank God i finally got rid of my stalker, my life is so much better now” is a good one. It was a tweet that was 2 weeks old so he had purposefully “hunted it down” out of the pure rage that I had told him to get out of my life.”

      Don’t you love the way they make up shit but it’s really them projecting their own actions onto you? Oh, I remember after my divorce I dated another narc for a short time. Not only did he try to tell me I was raising my son all wrong (my son is fine) and would become a juvenile delinquent (far from it!), he also told everyone how I was clinging onto him after we broke up EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ME WHO BROKE UP WITH HIM and HE kept calling after wards.
      He also gave me a gift one, and then later on ASKED FOR IT BACK. He was a horrible, very malignant narcissist, probably even worse than my ex. They always find me.

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      • Oh I know! It’s actually really hurtful though because whether on Facebook or Twitter, you know that all their friends (the ones they present the nice side to) are going to read it, know it’s about you and assume you’re a demented harpy! I also think I attract narcissists because, the one I’m talking about is the one who got under my skin and did lots of damage, but he wasn’t the only one I’ve been involved with. I really do think they can smell that weakness because I grew up with a narcissist mother. Also, because of my mother, this kind of twisted and sick relationship is all I know so I can’t help but respond to it. It’s that old saying, isn’t it?: “better the devil you know”

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        • They have a sixth sense for codependent “yes” types they know they can use as supply. They eventually use you up, and then move on when you’re of no use to them anymore. Yes, we ACONs were trained by our parents to be victims of OTHER narcs, unless we became narcissists ourselves (which is worse IMO)

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  13. The first time my daughter’s father hit me… we were arguing about something, when he suddenly slapped me hard, right in the face. I was so stunned, I just stood there looking at him in shock. I didn’t move, I didn’t speak, I just stood there. Then he grabbed me and started dragging me into the bathroom, yelling “I did not hit you! You’re crazy, you’re just imagining that I hit you!” But I still hadn’t said a word, I hadn’t said “you hit me,” I hadn’t said anything. He drags me in front of the bathroom mirror, spins me around, and orders me to look at my face in the mirror. “See there!” he screams. “There isn’t a mark on you, because I DID NOT HIT YOU!”

    In the mirror I clearly see a bright red handprint on my left cheek. Talk about crazy-making! That happened forty years ago and it still makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.

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    • That is one of the sickest examples of gaslighting I ever heard about. The evidence right there in plain view, right after he did it. and you didn’t even say anything and he’s already lying and gaslighting. Was it his “guilty” conscience or fear you might tell? Most likely the latter.

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      • Good question. I don’t think he had the capability to ever feel much guilt. He seemed to have a twinge of guilt about some things sometimes, but the guilt was never strong enough to stop him from going ahead and doing whatever in the heck he wanted to do.

        …OH wow… it just now came to me… this is what I think happened: I think he was trying to “undo” what he had just done! NOT because my physical or psychological pain mattered to him, but because his own self-image meant everything to him! He saw himself as this great awesome practically perfect guru type of person and suddenly there was the evidence right in front of his face, his big red handprint on my face, telling him that he was nothing like the man he wanted to believe he was!!

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        • I don’t like to use real names but his name was Noble and he tried to live up to that but he was so NOT…. he was Fake, Anti-Noble. He was a liar and a cheat and so much worse. A few weeks after our daughter was born he told me he had come up with a “perfect fool-proof plan” for robbing a bank and not getting caught, only he needed an accomplice and I was it. Thank God I had enough self-esteem and sanity by then to tell him NO! Prefaced with a great big H-E-L-L!

          Wow.. I feel like a big blurry picture that was taken 40 years ago just snapped into focus. He was a lot older than me. I was his second wife, only a few years older than his kids from his first marriage. He told me right after we got married that he had purposefully chosen a much younger woman to marry the second time around, so he could train me to be the wife he wanted! He told me this several times! I should have run screaming the first time he said it! He is a prime example of my relationship “repitition compulsion” that I unwittingly went through again and again, until I was 50 years old and finally got some good counseling. I was subconsciously looking for the familiarity of my first “home” in my adult relationships, trying to fix my original sick childhood relationship that I had with my crazy parents, by finding similar people to be in relationship with and then trying to fix them. I kept doing the same thing over and over again… wondering why I kept getting the same results. Ha. Definitely a good definition of insanity!

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